post written by: Marc Chernoff
Your behavior is a little thing that makes a big difference.
In our line of work, Angel and I hear from hundreds of coaching
clients every month. Through this experience, we’ve come across scores
of toxic behaviors that push people away from each other. And we’ve
witnessed the devastation these behaviors cause – to relationships, to
personal and professional growth, and to the general well-being of both
the individual behaving negatively, and to everyone in their life.
Let’s be honest – we’ve all acted in toxic, damaging ways at one time
or another. None of us are immune to occasional toxic mood swings, but
many people are more evolved, balanced and aware, and such occurrences
happen only rarely in their lives.
Whether your toxic behavior is a common occurrence, or just a once in
a blue moon phenomena, it’s critical for your long-term happiness and
success that you are able to recognize when you’re behaving negatively,
and consciously shift your mindset when necessary.
The twelve most common toxic behaviors we see are:
1.Being envious of everyone else. – Don’t let envy
(or jealously) get the best of you. Envy is the art of counting someone
else’s blessings instead of your own. There is nothing attractive or
admirable about this behavior. So stop comparing your journey with
everyone else’s. Your journey is YOUR journey, NOT a competition. You
are in competition with one person and one person only – yourself. You
are competing to be the best you can be. If you want to measure your
progress, compare yourself to who you were yesterday.
Taking everything too personally. – People are
toxic to be around when they believe that everything happening around
them is a direct assault on them or is in some way all about them. The
truth is that what people say and do to you is much more about them,
than you. People’s reactions to you are about their perspectives,
wounds and experiences. Whether people think you’re amazing, or believe
you’re the worst, again, is more about them. I’m not suggesting we
should be narcissists and ignore all feedback. I am saying that so much
hurt, disappointment and sadness in our lives comes from our taking
things personally. In most cases it’s far more productive and healthy
to let go of other people’s good or bad opinion of you, and to operate
with your own intuition and wisdom as your guide. (Read The Four Agreements
.)
Acting like you’re always a victim. – Another toxic
behavior is persistent complaining that fuels your sense of
victimization. Believing you’re a victim, that you have no power to
exert and no power over the direction of your life, is a toxic stance
that keeps you stuck. Working as a life coach with people who have
suffered major trauma in their lives but found the courage to turn it
all around, I know we all have access to far more power, authority, and
influence over our lives than we initially believe. When you stop
complaining, and refuse to see yourself as a helpless victim, you’ll
find that you are more powerful than you realized, but only if you
choose to accept this reality.
Hoarding pain and loss. – One of the hardest
lessons in life is letting go – whether it’s guilt, anger, love or
loss. Change is never easy – you fight to hold on and you fight to let
go. But oftentimes letting go is the healthiest path forward.
It clears out toxic thoughts from the past. You’ve got to emotionally
free yourself from the things that once meant a lot to you, so you can
move beyond the past and the pain it brings you. Again, it takes hard
work to let go and refocus your thoughts, but it’s worth every bit of
effort you can muster.
Obsessive negative thinking. – It’s very hard to be
around people who refuse to let go of negativity – when they ruminate
and speak incessantly about the terrible things that could happen and
have happened, the scorns they’ve suffered, and the unfairness of life.
These people stubbornly refuse to see the positive side of life and the
positive lessons from what’s happening. Pessimism is one thing – but
remaining perpetually locked in a negative mindset is another. Only
seeing the negative, and operating from a view that everything is
negative and against you, is a twisted way of thinking and living, and
you can change that.
Lack of emotional self-control. – An inability to
manage your emotions is toxic to everyone around you. We all know these
people – those who explode in anger and tears over the smallest hiccup
or problem. Yelling at the grocery store clerk for the long line,
screaming at an employee for a small error she made, or losing it with
your daughter for spilling juice on the floor. If you find that you’re
overly emotional, losing your cool at every turn, you may need some
outside assistance to help you gain control over your emotions and
understand what’s at the root of your inner angst. There’s more to it
than what appears on the surface. An independent perspective – and a
new kind of support – can work wonders.
Making superficial judgments about others. – Don’t
always judge a person by what they show you. Remember, what you’ve seen
is oftentimes only what that person has chosen to show you, or what
they were driven to show based on their inner stress and pain. Alas,
when another person tries to make you suffer in some small way, it is
usually because they suffer deep within themselves. Their suffering is
simply spilling over. They do not need punishment or ridicule, they
need help. If you can’t help them, let them be.
Cruelty (or lacking empathy and compassion). – One
of the most toxic behaviors – cruelty – stems from a total lack of
empathy, concern or compassion for others. We see it every day online
and in the media – people being devastatingly unkind and hurtful to
others just because they can. They tear people down online in a
cowardly way, using their anonymity as a shield. Cruelty, backstabbing,
and hurting others for any reason is toxic, and it hurts you as well.
If you find yourself backstabbing and tearing someone else down, stop in
your tracks. Dig deep and find compassion in your heart, and realize
that we’re all in this together.
Cheating and cutting moral corners simply because you can.
– Cheating is a choice, not a mistake, and not an excuse! If you
decide to cheat, and you succeed in cheating someone out of something,
don’t think that this person is a fool. Realize that this person
trusted you much more than you ever deserved. Be bigger than that.
Don’t do immoral things simply because you can. Don’t cheat. Be honest
with yourself and everyone else. Do the right thing. Integrity is the
essence of everything successful.
Hiding your truth. – People cannot connect with you
if you’re constantly trying to hide from yourself. And this becomes a
truly toxic situation the minute they become attached to your false
persona. So remember, no matter what age, race, sex, or sexuality you
are, underneath all your external decorations you are a pure, beautiful
being – each and every one of us are. We each have light to shine, and
missions to accomplish. Celebrate being different, off the beaten path,
a little on the weird side, your own special creation. If you find
yourself feeling like a fish out of water, by all means find a new river
to swim in. But DO NOT change who you are; BE who you are. Don’t deny
yourself, improve yourself. (Read The Untethered Soul
.)
Needing constant validation. – People who
constantly strive for validation by others are exhausting to be around.
Those men and women who get caught up in the need to prove their worth
over and over and over, and constantly want to win over everyone around
them, are unintentionally toxic and draining. Know this.
Over-attaching to how things have to look to others can wear you out and
bring everyone else around you down. There is a bigger picture to your life,
and it’s not about what you achieve in the eyes of the masses. It’s
about the journey, the process, the path – what you’re learning, how
you’re helping others learn too, and the growing process you allow
yourself to participate in.
Being a stubborn perfectionist. – As human beings,
we often chase hypothetical, static states of perfection. We do so when
we are searching for the perfect house, job, friend or lover. The
problem, of course, is that perfection doesn’t exist in a static state.
Because life is a continual journey, constantly evolving and changing.
What is here today is not exactly the same tomorrow – that perfect
house, job, friend or lover will eventually fade to a state of
imperfection. But with a little patience and an open mind, over time,
that imperfect house evolves into a comfortable home. That imperfect
job evolves into a rewarding career. That imperfect friend evolves into
a steady shoulder to lean on. And that imperfect lover evolves into a
reliable lifelong companion. It’s just a matter of letting
perfectionism GO.
The floor is yours…
If you can relate to any of these toxic behaviors, remember, you are
not alone. We all have unhealthy personalities buried deep within us
that have the potential to sneak up on us sometimes. As stated above,
the key is awareness – recognizing these behaviors and stopping them in
their tracks.
So, what toxic behaviors (or mood swings) sometimes sneak up on you?
What toxic behaviors push you away from others? How do you cope?
Leave a comment below and share your insights with us.
Photo by: Brett Arthur Donar
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