Wednesday 24 December 2014

27 Simple Things to Start Doing for Your Happiness


27 Simple Things to Start Doing for Your Happiness
It only takes one person to make you happy and change your life: YOU.
I am endlessly fascinated by the link between the way we choose to live our lives and the happiness we enjoy on a daily basis.  There are choices that you make every day, some of which seem completely unrelated to your happiness, that dramatically impact the way you feel mentally and physically.
Over the years, through our coaching practice and premium course, Angel and I have literally spoken to thousands of people who are struggling to find happiness in their lives.  And what we’ve found is that it usually isn’t what you have, where you are, or what you’ve been through that makes you happy or unhappy, it’s how you think about it all and what you do with it.
In our day-to-day lives it’s easy to miss the forest for the trees and completely overlook some of the small, simple things that can disproportionally affect our levels of happiness and general fulfillment in life.
Luckily, you don’t have to figure it out all by yourself.  Angel and I have spent the better part of a decade working one-on-one with our coaching clients and finding the right habits and behaviors that support sustained happiness.  Below, I take a quick look at some of the more actionable tips that can be easily worked into your daily routine.
  1. Start learning to be more human again. – Gadgets are great, but they can get in the way if you aren’t careful.  Control them so they don’t control you.  In other words, put down the phone.  Don’t avoid eye contact.  Don’t hide behind a screen.  Ask about people’s stories.  Listen.  And smile together.
  2. Start filtering out the noise in your life. – Be careful about who you give the microphone and stage to in your life.  Don’t just listen to the loudest voice.  Listen to the truest one.
  3. Start choosing differently, for your own well-being. – A big part of your life is a result of the little choices you make every day.  If you don’t like some part of your life, it’s time to start tweaking things and making better choices, right now, right where you are.
  4. Start being way more productive than you are busy. – There’s a big difference between being busy and being productive.  Don’t confuse motion and progress.  A rocking horse keeps moving but never makes any forward progress.  In other words…
  5. Start dedicating time every day to meaningful activities. – What you do every day matters, but WHY you do what you do matters even more.  So quit doing just what you’re able to do; figure out what you were made to do, and then do more of it.  And if you only have fifteen minutes a day to spare, no problem – make those fifteen minutes meaningful.
  6. Start being present. – If your mind carries a heavy burden from the past, you will experience more of the same.  Let it go.  And also be careful not to dwell so much on creating your perfect future life that you forget to live today.  Be here now and make the most of it.  (Read The Untethered Soul.)
  7. Start replacing your worries with positive actions. – Most of the things I’ve worried about didn’t happen.  Most of the things I’ve hoped for and worked hard for did.  The same is true for the happiest and most successful people I’ve talked to and worked with over the years.  So keep dreaming and keep DOING.
  8. Start running toward things, not away from them. – The best way to move away from something negative is to move toward something positive.
  9. Start letting your love overpower your fear. – There are only two energies at the core of the human experience: Love and Fear.  Fear pushes what you want away from you.  Love draws it in.
  10. Start doing what’s right, even if it’s not the easiest option. – Just because you can, doesn’t mean you should.  Just because it’s easy, doesn’t mean it’s worth your while.  Do what’s right, not what’s easiest right now.  It’s a less stressful and regretful way to live in the long run.
  11. Start comparing yourself to yourself, and no one else. – Forget what others have and where they are.  You’re not walking in their shoes, and you’ll never comfortably walk in your own if you keep comparing yourself to them.  So focus on what’s best for YOU and your unique circumstances.  What do you need to do next for your own objectives?  Do it!  You won’t be distracted by comparison if you’re captivated with purpose.
  12. Start genuinely being happy for others. – The more beauty you find in someone else’s journey, the less you’ll want to compare it to your own.
  13. Start being more tolerant of those who see things differently. – Remember, love and kindness begets love and kindness.  The way we love people we disagree with is the best evidence of what we really believe about ourselves.
  14. Start letting grace have the last word. – We’ll only lose the arguments our pride insists on winning.  When it’s more important to win arguments than love people, we need to start all over again with our faith and priorities.
  15. Start giving without expectations. – You will end up very disappointed if you expect people will always do for you as you do for them. Not everyone has the same heart as you.  Which is why you sometimes must give twice as much without expectations to eventually get something better than you ever imagined.  It’s about the long-term, big picture.  The fact that you can plant a seed and it becomes a flower, share a bit of knowledge and it becomes another’s, smile at someone and give them hope, is proof that generosity works wonders behind the scenes.  So…
  16. Start being the difference you want to see in the world. – Honestly, you were born with the ability to change someone’s life.  Don’t ever waste it.  Be kind.  Be present.  Be someone who makes a difference.  What you give to another person is really what you give to yourself.  When you treat others with love, you learn that you are lovable too.
  17. Start making your “relationship wealth” a top priority. – People who spend all their time trying to make money, spend all their money trying to make time.  Don’t do this to yourself.  Put first things first.  Be wealthy in good friendships and family time from the get-go.  (Read The Happiness Project.)
  18. Start SHOWING your loved ones what they mean to you. – Our closest relationships are vital to our happiness.  As we tell those we love that we love them, we must never forget that the highest compliment is not to utter words, but to live by them.
  19. Start being grateful for the life that is yours. – Gratitude is simply the awareness of what’s good.  Count your blessings, no matter how small, and start with the breath you’re taking now.
  20. Start replacing the phrase “I have to” with “I get to” whenever you catch yourself starting to complain. – So many activities we complain about are things others wish they had the chance to do.
  21. Start opening up to new growth opportunities. – In almost every situation, a little more willingness to acknowledge that there may be something you do not know could change everything.  Go somewhere new, and countless opportunities suddenly appear.  Do something differently, and all sorts of great new possibilities spring up.  Keep an open mind and have fun with life.
  22. Start letting little frustrations go as soon as they arrive. – You can’t let one bad moment spoil a bunch of good ones.  Don’t let the silly little dramas of each day get you down.  Happiness starts on the inside.  You control your thoughts about everything.  Meaning, the only person who can hurt your happiness in the long run is YOU.
  23. Start focusing only on what you can control. – Never force anything.  Give it your best shot and then let it be.  If it’s meant to be, it will be.  Don’t hold yourself down with things you can’t control.
  24. Start turning the pages that need to be turned. – No book is just one chapter.  No chapter tells the whole story.  No mistake defines who we are.  Keep turning the pages that need to be turned.  
  25. Start embracing the lessons life is teaching you. – Everything that happens helps you grow.  Sometimes painful experiences teach us priceless life lessons we didn’t think we needed to know.  If you’re having problems, that’s good.  It means you’re making progress.  The only people with no problems are the ones doing nothing.
  26. Start measuring your progress every day, no matter how small. – You are a work in progress; which means you get there a little at a time, not all at once.  You may not be where you want to be yet, but look how far you’ve come, and be grateful that you’re not stuck where you once were.
  27. Start embracing the uncertainty in front of you. – Don’t let not knowing how it’ll end keep you from beginning.  Uncertainty chases us out into the open where life’s true magic is waiting.

Afterthoughts

Today, I hope you will have a delightful day, that you will dream boldly and dangerously, that you will make something that didn’t exist before you took action, that you will love and be loved in return, and that you will find the strength to accept and grow from the troubles you can’t change.  And, most importantly (because I think there should be more kindness and wisdom in this crazy world), that you will, when you must, be wise with your decisions, and that you will always be extra kind to yourself and others.

The floor is yours…

What would you add to this post?  What’s something you do on a regular basis that has helped you find more happiness in life?  Leave a comment below and share your thoughts.
Photo by: Dada

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Friday 19 December 2014

8 Ways to Free Your Mind and Take Back Control of Your Life

post written by: Marc Chernoff


8 Ways to Free Your Mind and Take Back Control of Your Life
Emancipate yourselves from mental slavery,
none but ourselves can free our minds!
―Bob Marley
Since we were born, our minds have been gradually programmed by our surroundings and by society at large.  As we grow, evolve and awaken to this reality, we learn that it is in our best interests to uninstall some of this programming and take back control of our minds.
What are we taking control back from, specifically?  Well, in part, the immense amount of cultural, societal and institutional brainwashing that has greatly influenced who we are and how we view ourselves and our abilities.
For example, despite what you may have heard… You don’t need to be a person who requires everyone to approve of them.  Your relationships don’t need to model modern day sitcoms.  Your daily energy doesn’t need to be directed by mindless drama, which is often stirred just to distract you from your deeper purpose and passions.
You can clear yourself of this corrupt thinking and reclaim your sanity and effectiveness.
But it’s hard, because distractions are everywhere, pulling at us and creating needless points of focus meant to disempower us.  They drive us into compulsive consumerism and egotism, rather than meaningful connections and emotional freedom.
So today, it’s time to flip the switch.  It’s time to free your mind and take back control of your life.  Here are eight smart ways to start doing just that:
  1. Be selective about the media you consume. – Marketers all across the world are tracking your patterns, buying your personal information and studying your online and offline habits in order to funnel you into purchasing products from the companies that hire them.  If you are inclined to cave, and make impulsive, unhealthy purchases – like greasy fast food – they are aware of this, even to the exact percentage of likelihood that you will make this impulse buy.  They push ads upon you until your willpower gets weak.  This is just one form of mind control being practiced publicly every day.  It’s manipulative and it was created to be.  You have to take back control from these mega-corporations by making strong-willed, healthy decisions that support YOUR best interests.  Buy things that benefit you and those you love, not things that benefit big companies that don’t care about you.
  2. Prioritize YOUR desires ahead of external and internal resistance. – You’re the one that’s got to die when it’s time for you to die, so let yourself live life the way you want to live it.  Seriously, life is too short to waste profuse amounts of time wondering what other people think about you.  In the first place, if they had better things going on in their lives, they wouldn’t have the time to sit around and talk about you.  What should be important to you is not their opinions of you, but your opinion of yourself.  So don’t let others get in your way!  And don’t let your fears get in your way either; they’re not there to scare you.  They’re there to let you know that something is worth it.  If a particular pursuit makes you feel alive, stand strong and step forward, no matter what.  (Read The Happiness of Pursuit.)
  3. Stop wishing for it and start working for it. – Do what you have to do today so you can do what you want to do tomorrow.  Through the grapevine you may have heard that what you should want is “an easy life.”  But that’s not true; what you really want is a life you are proud to have lived, and that takes work.  Because the only way that we can truly live, is if we grow.  The only way that we can grow is if we change.  The only way that we can change is if we learn.  The only way we can learn is if we are exposed.  And the only way that we can become exposed is if we are willing to put ourselves out there and work through life’s difficulties.  Do it!  It’s worth it!
  4. Create healthy daily rituals. – The person you are destined to become is the person you decide to be every single day.  Because how you spend your days is how you spend your life.  In a nutshell, when it comes to working hard to achieve a substantial life goal of any kind – earning a degree, building a business, fostering a relationship, raising a family, becoming more mindful, or any other personal achievement that takes time and commitment – one thing you have to ask yourself is: “Am I willing to spend a little time every day like many people won’t, so I can spend the better part of my life like many people can’t?”  Think about it.  We ultimately become what we repeatedly work hard at.  And isn’t it funny how day by day nothing changes, but when you look back everything is different?  That’s the power of daily rituals. 
  5. Flip your perspective from negative to positive. – We can complain because rose bushes have thorns, or rejoice because thorn bushes have roses.  You’ve heard this before.  Don’t let negativity influence you.  When others are being negative, ignore them.  Keep in mind that how others see things is rarely the truth.  There are no facts, only interpretations, and it is our interpretations that make us or break us.  If you look at things the right way, you can see that the whole world is a beautiful garden.  It’s your job to tend to it, and to see and appreciate the roses.  Because in the end, the quality of your vision drives the quality of your living.  Train your mind to see the beauty in everything.  Positivity is a choice.  The happiness of your life depends on the effectiveness of your perspective.
  6. Stop looking for and expecting “perfect.” – You are flawed, so is everyone you know, and that’s just as it should be.  Seriously, have no fear of perfection; you will never reach it.  And don’t expect that others will achieve it either.  We’re all imperfect beings filled with flaws and imperfections, therefore we shouldn’t wish to highlight the weaknesses of others at the expense of denying our own.  In the end, you will come to realize that perfection, especially in relationships, is only ever found in the beauty and honest appreciation of imperfection.  (Read The Gifts of Imperfection.)
  7. Give yourself a break. – Yes, you have battles out in the world to fight, insecurities to overcome, loved ones to contend with and goals to achieve, but a break from it all is necessary.  It’s perfectly healthy to pause and let the world spin without you for a while.  If you don’t, you will burn yourself out.  So refill your bucket on a regular basis.  That means catching up on sleep, making time for laughter and fun, eating healthy enough to maintain solid energy levels, and otherwise making time for recovery from the chaos of your routine.
  8. Loosen your grip on the past. – Sometimes we have to let go of what’s killing us, even if it’s killing us to let go.  Letting go means to come to the realization that some circumstances and relationships are a part of your history, but not a part of your destiny.  Cry.  Forgive.  Learn.  Move forward.  Let your tears water the seeds of your future happiness.  And remember, sometimes the hardest part isn’t the act of letting go but rather learning to start over.  This is normal.  This is a new day.  A new beginning.  And things will change for the better.

Afterthoughts

The Dalai Lama once said, “A new way of thinking has become the necessary condition for responsible living and acting.  If we maintain obsolete values and beliefs, a fragmented consciousness and self-centered spirit, we will continue to hold onto outdated goals and behaviors.”
Today, make it a point to defragment your consciousness and center your spirit on positive, productive thoughts and habits.  Tune out the drama around you and tune in to your own intuition.  Free your mind.  Smile and be grateful.  Life is too short to waste on negativity and those who create it.

Your turn…

What clutters your mind and holds you back?  What ideas, people and circumstances do you need to free yourself from in order to move forward?  Leave a comment below and share your thoughts.

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Wednesday 17 December 2014

7 Rituals You Should Steal from Extremely Creative People

post written by: Marc Chernoff

7 Rituals You Should Steal from Extremely Creative People
“Creativity is just connecting things.  When you ask creative people how they did something, they feel a little guilty because they didn’t really do it; they just saw something and connected the dots.  It seemed obvious to them after a while.”
―Steve Jobs
Over the years, through our coaching practice and premium course, Angel and I have spoken with dozens of entrepreneurs, artists, and creative types about their unique rituals and routines.  The really nice thing is that we often learn just as much from our clients as they do from us.  They tell us about some of the most incredibly creative ideas and projects imaginable, and we teach them how to fine-tune the process of getting from where they are to where they want to be.  A good coach/client relationship is truly a win-win.
Today, I want to share seven of the most common rituals we’ve seen repeated by the most creative people we’ve worked with.
It’s often said that creativity can’t be contained.  That creative inspiration and ideas arise suddenly out of nowhere and then fail to show up when we need them most.  And while that may be true for a specific idea, when you look at the broader picture, you realize that sustained creativity – having lots of creative ideas over time – doesn’t come from a flash of brilliance or a single moment of inspiration.  It comes from a consistent set of rituals that serve as the bedrock for getting remarkable things done.

1.  Engage deeply in meaningful pursuits.

Marcus Aurelius once said, “Stop whatever you’re doing for a moment and ask yourself: Am I afraid of death because I won’t be able to do this anymore?”
One of our coaching clients brought this quote to my attention about a decade ago.  Today I have it pinned to the bulletin board in my office.  It stops me from squandering my most precious resource: my time.
Creativity as both a lifestyle and a profession is a daring adventure, and a truly rewarding one.  To thoroughly love what you do while also being fulfilled financially and emotionally is an aspiration and a challenge.  That aspiration can become a reality, but it takes lots of hard work, dedication, and some luck that eventually comes from persistently doing the right things.  Which is why you must remind yourself on a daily basis of what’s actually meaningful to you, and fully commit to the actions that yield progress in that area of your life.

2.  Set up triggers that get you into the rhythm for a routine of creating.

Maya Angelou only wrote in small hotel rooms.  Jack Kerouac made sure to touch the ground nine times before sitting down to write.  And many of the artistic clients we’ve worked with over the years have done everything from meditating, to singing, to running, to even doing two-hour long workouts immediately prior to working on their creative projects.  For example, take a look at our client Fay’s morning routine.  Here’s what she recently told us:
“I begin every day with one simple ritual: I wake up at 6 a.m., put on workout clothes, walk outside my downtown San Francisco home, hail a taxi, and tell the driver to take me to my gym.  I workout for an hour and forty-five minutes, and then I take a leisurely fifteen-minute jog back home.  The important part of the ritual is not the training I do at the gym; what’s important is getting in that cab every morning and getting the day started in the right direction.  The rest just falls into place.  I get home feeling good and ready to work.”
Think about your days.  How are they structured?  What triggers your creative (and productive) mind?  Are you consciously structuring your days with this trigger in mind?
Whether it’s waking up early, working in a specific location, or hitting the weights first thing in the morning, you need to find a trigger that gets you into rhythm – your rhythm.  When you design a healthy daily routine that starts automatically every morning, you save lots of mental energy for the creative thinking that comes naturally when you find yourself in your rhythm.  Through this personalized routine you will bring out your most intuitive work.
Of course, your routine will change occasionally due to evolving circumstances.  The idea is that you make the necessary adjustments and maintain a routine that works – one that maintains the necessary triggers and rituals to develop and nurture your creative mind, and to ultimately do the work necessary to get you from where you are to where you want to be.  (Read The War of Art.)

3.  Spend daily downtime daydreaming.

Creative types know that, despite what their grade school teachers likely told them, daydreaming is anything but a waste of their time.  While structured routines are important for the actual process of creating, our minds need downtime filled with the freedom to wander.
Neuroscientists have found that daydreaming involves the same brain processes associated with imagination and creative thinking.  According to psychologist Rebecca L. McMillan, who recently co-authored a research paper titled Ode To Positive Constructive Daydreaming, daydreaming can aid in the “creative incubation” of ideas and solutions to complex problems.
Perhaps that’s why we sometimes get our best ideas while taking a long, hot shower.

4.  Schedule in new experiences.

When they’re not daydreaming in their downtime, creative types love to expose themselves to new experiences, sensations and states of mind.  This willingness to stretch themselves is a significant predictor of their creative output.  Because creative growth always begins at the end of your comfort zone.
Of course, a big part of this happens inside a routine when you’re “in rhythm” and working hard to stretch your creative and intellectual muscles.  But new experiences help balance out your routines.  They force you to think differently.  So make an effort to try something new at least once a week.  It can be a whole new activity or just a small experience, such as talking to a stranger.  Once you get the ball rolling, many of these new experiences will open doors to life-changing perspectives you can’t even fathom right now.
And with a strategy of continuous small, scheduled steps into new experiences, you are able to sidestep the biggest barrier to thinking outside the box: Fear.

5.  Observe your mentors and study the work of other masters.

If you study the lives of enough successful creators, it becomes obvious that most world-class performers in all fields – musicians, entrepreneurs, artists, dancers, etc. – had incredible mentors, coaches or role models who made the activity of practice worthwhile and rewarding.
If you can speak with a mentor face to face, that’s incredible – do so!  But keep in mind that just observing a mentor works wonders too.  When we observe someone we want to learn from, and we have a crystal clear idea of what we want to create for ourselves, it unlocks a tremendous amount of motivation.  Human beings are socially inclined, and when we get the idea that we want to join some elite circle up above us, that is what really motivates us to achieve greatness.  “Look, they did it.  I can do it too!”  It may sound overly simplistic, but spending time studying people who are great can be one of the most powerful things you can do for yourself.
In his book Mastery, Robert Greene emphasizes the importance of studying the work of others using Mozart as an example.  This is an essential building block for mastering your craft and cultivating your creativity at the same time:
“Throughout his career, Mozart never asserted any particular opinions about music.  Instead, he absorbed the styles he heard around himself and incorporated them into his own voice.  Late in his career, he encountered for the first time the music of Johann Sebastian Bach – a kind of music very different from his own, and in some ways more complex.  Most artists would grow defensive and dismissive of something that challenged their own principles.  Instead, Mozart opened his mind up to new possibilities, studying Bach’s use of counterpoint for nearly a year and absorbing it into his own vocabulary.  This gave his music a new and surprising creative quality.”
The bottom line is that studying mentors and other masters can help you diversify your own creative output.  Doing so facilitates the process of cross-pollinating ideas and strategies, introducing you to new approaches and ways of thinking.  Not everything others do will be relevant to you, of course, but it will help refine and develop your style and tailor it to your own unique creative goals.

6.  Lean heavily on your intuition.

Intuition is very real and something that is never wise to ignore, because it comes from deep within your subconscious and is derived from a combination of your previous life experiences and core perceptions about the present.  If everyone else is telling you “yes” but your gut is telling you otherwise, it’s usually for a good reason.  When faced with difficult decisions, seek out all the information you can find, become as knowledgeable as you possibly can, and then listen to your God-given instincts.
Creative people know that trusting your intuition is equivalent to trusting your true self; and the more you trust your true self, the more control you have of making your biggest goals and wildest dreams come true, just the way you envision.

7.  Gradually turn life’s obstacles around.

Many of the most iconic novels, songs, and inventions of all time were inspired by gut-wrenching pain and heartbreak.  Therefore, the silver lining of these great challenges is that they were the catalyst to the creation of epic masterpieces.
An emerging field of psychology called Post-Traumatic Growth has suggested that most people are able to use their hardships and traumas for substantial creative and intellectual development.  Specifically, researchers have found that trauma can help people grow their long-term contentment, emotional strength, and resourcefulness.
When our view of the world as a safe place, or as a certain type of place, has been shattered, we are forced to reboot our perspective on things.  We suddenly have the opportunity to look out to the periphery and see things with a new, fresh set of beginner’s eyes, which is extremely beneficial to creativity and personal growth. 

Afterthoughts

Walt Disney once said, “Around here, we don’t look backwards for very long.  We keep moving forward, opening up new doors and doing new things, because we’re curious – and curiosity keeps leading us down new paths.”
This is one of my favorite quotes.  It inspires me to write and create.  And to move on to my next piece of work, even when I catch myself judging my last piece of work as “not good enough.”

“I thought this was a great article.  Why aren’t people reading and sharing it?” Or I’ll feel like I fumbled through an article only to watch it receive 25,000+ shares on Facebook.  Regardless of which outcome I’m dealing with, I’ve realized one thing: As human beings, we are often terrible judges of our own work.  We are just too self-critical to see the truth most of the time.
And not only that, it’s not our job to judge our own work.  It’s not our job to compare it to everyone else’s work, or to how we thought others would perceive it.  There’s no use in doing that.
Instead, it’s our job to create.  Our job is to share what we have right now in this moment.  Our job is to come as we are and give it our best shot.
There are people in nearly every career field who make each day a work of art simply by the way they have mastered their craft.  In other words, almost everyone is an artist in some way.  And every artist will have the tendency to judge their own work.  The important thing is to not let your self-judgment keep you from doing your thing and sharing your creative gift with the world.
Just like Walt said, the key is to “keep moving forward.”

The floor is yours…

What else would you add to the list?  What rituals, routines and lifestyle choices help you think more creatively and work more resourcefully?
Please leave a comment below and share your thoughts.
Photo by: Anthony Sigalas

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Friday 12 December 2014

10 Tough Truths Happy People Aren’t Afraid to Face

post written by: Angel Chernoff

10 Tough Truths Happy People Aren't Afraid to Face
by Kendra Wright
Some changes appear negative on the surface but when you look back you’ll see that your deepest pain often gifted you with your greatest lessons.  The same way coal is only transformed into diamonds because of intense pressure, only through our challenges will we be changed.
Truth be told, life isn’t always easy; but if you can find opportunities in your oppositions you’ll spend less time wishing things weren’t so hard and more time being grateful that they are.
Rest assured – happy people are not immune to hard days, heartbreak, or feeling like a fool!  The difference is they turn frustrations into fuel and rebuild from the pebbles they discovered after hitting rock bottom.
If you’re having a hard time seeing the beauty in the ugly things life has handed you lately, here’s some truths happy people are already facing that could help you too:
  1. If you want the benefits of something in life, you have to also want the costs.  Most people want the reward without the risk.  The shine without the grind.  You are praised in public for what you practice in private.  You can’t have the destination without the journey.  Instead of thinking about what you want, first consider: What are you willing to give up to get it?
  2. You are going to be inspired by your dreams and also terrified by them.  Don’t run from the things that scare you, chase them.  Do work that keeps you up late and wakes you up early.  Don’t be persuaded by the “stability” in practicality – you can fail at something you don’t love too, so why not take a chance on what you do love.  There’s no promise that passion will pay your bills, but you’ll never hit a home run if don’t step up to the plate.  (Read Quitter.)
  3. A comfort zone is a beautiful place, but nothing ever grows there.  Easy things will never make you proud.  The same walls you build to protect yourself will also imprison you if you build them too high.  The biggest dream killer isn’t a lack of opportunity or talent, it’s the addiction we have to our comfort zone.  Fools believe they can conquer fear.  But those who go far in life understand that uncertainty will never quite go away when they are doing great things.  They are prepared to walk beside it everyday for as long as it takes to get to where they want to go.  Don’t let fear be a stop sign.  Instead, use it as a roadmap to a life well lived.
  4. If you want to see what’s holding you back, look in the mirror.  It’s you… and only YOU 99% of the time.  The toughest battles you’ll ever fight will begin between your own two ears.  Before you get the rest of the world onboard, you’ll have to convince the biggest critic of all – YOU!  There are a lot of things that are going to get in your way in life, don’t let yourself be one of them.
  5. Being “realistic” is the fastest traveled path to mediocrity.  Small people will doubt big dreams.  It’s easy for people on the sidelines to doubt and judge when they aren’t taking any risks themselves.  So don’t dim your light just because it will hurt someone else’s eyes.  Don’t let a drop of your self worth rely on their acceptance of you.  Decide you’ll do it with or without them.  They may call you crazy when you’re just getting started but they’ll label you a genius once you’ve succeeded.
  6. You can learn great things from your mistakes when you aren’t busy denying them.  Life is a “practice,” not a “perfection”… and it’s only coming around once.  This is IT!  So live fully while you’re here.  Have fun, be crazy, be weird.  Go out and make mistakes.  They are a necessary part of a life well lived.  When something goes wrong (and it will), don’t run or try to hide.  See it as an opportunity to learn something you didn’t know about yourself.   The goal is not perfection; just be an excellent example of being human.
  7. People will love you, and people will dislike you.  And most of the time, it will have nothing to do with you.  How others treat you is their karma, how you respond is yours.  Love them anyway.  Be kind because it’s who you are, not because they have to earn it.  The hardest people to love are often the ones who need it the most anyway.  (Read How to Win Friends and Influence People.)
  8. You don’t have to live your life the way other people expect you to.  You were not meant for a mundane or mediocre life.  Take chances when you’re young; tell stories when you’re old.  The goal is to not look back and say, “Wow, I felt safe.”  The goal is to say, “Wow, that was an adventure.”  If your life is awesome, it’s your fault.  If your life is boring, it’s your fault.  If you wouldn’t read the story you’re living right now, write a different one.
  9. People who are out making a difference in the world are not like everyone else.  So don’t blend in.  You will always be too much of something for someone – too big, too loud, too soft, too edgy, and so forth.  If you round out your edges, you lose your edge.  Once you’ve truly accepted who you are – quirks, flaws, and all – no one can use them against you.  For those who truly care about you, there are no flaws in you larger than their love.
  10. Every wrong relationship leads to the right one.  If you can love the wrong person so much, imagine how much you’ll love the right one.  Every heartbreak presents an opportunity to grow into an improved version of yourself.  Great love shakes us up, excites and terrifies us simultaneously, while making us feel so desperate and out of control that we have no choice but to transform our lives.  When it leaves us, we can choose to become bitter or to become better.  Will you become stronger and wiser with an increased ability to love?  Or will you miss the gift?  One day someone will come into your life and make you see why it didn’t work out with anyone else.  Until then, use every chance you get to grow into the kind of person they couldn’t imagine living without.  (Read It’s Called a Breakup Because It’s Broken.)

Afterthoughts

It’s OK to feel confused, frustrated and even lost – happy people experience all these emotions too.  It’s a sign of intelligence.  Only fools are totally sure about their path and every choice they make.
Find a way to be happy regardless of what life hands you.  You may not be able to control it, but you can learn and grow from it.
As you breathe right now, another person is taking their last breath.  They are praying for all the things you and I are taking for granted.  So don’t complain.  Be grateful for every experience, every challenge, and every surprise that you’re blessed with.
If you haven’t found the lesson in your latest struggle yet, keep looking, it’s there.  And if all else fails, stay grateful that you’ve been given more time to figure it out.  Not everyone has been so lucky.

Your turn…

Which one of the truths in this post resonate with you the most?  What’s one tough truth you’ve had to face, or hardship you’ve had to deal with, that taught you a great lesson and helped you grow?
Please leave a comment below and share your thoughts.
Photo by: Jo Munday

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Wednesday 10 December 2014

7 Things Happy, Healthy People Do Every Morning

post written by: Marc Chernoff

7 Things Happy, Healthy People Do Every Morning
When you get up in the morning, think of what a priceless privilege it is to be alive – to breathe, to think, to learn, to love – and then make the day count!
The morning is extremely important.  It is the foundation from which the day is built.  How you choose to spend your morning can be used to predict what kind of day you are going to have, and thus, what kind of life you are going to live.
Each morning truly is a brand new opportunity.  Each day is another chance to get it right.
The happiest, healthiest people I know embrace this truth and use it to their advantage.  They have effective morning rituals that gradually improve their well-being and give their lives purpose.  Here’s what they do differently:

1.  They wake up with a sense of gratitude.

In other words, they start the day with love in their hearts and minds, and are truly appreciative of their life and all of its priceless idiosyncrasies.  They practice small acts of gratitude in the morning by expressing thankfulness directly to the people they care about, and to the immediate circumstances (health, opportunities, etc.) they could so easily take for granted.
From the research and coaching Angel and I have done over the years, we’ve found that the more a person is inclined to gratitude, the less likely he or she is to be depressed, anxious, lonely, envious, or neurotic.  Bottom line: Consider how very fortunate you are.  Consider it every morning.  The more you count your blessings, the more blessings there will be to count, and the happier you will be.

2.  They begin anew.

They know it’s a brand new day to start over and do something different.  Yesterday may have been a complete bummer for them, but today is a new day for learning, success and adventure.  Realize this.  Live now.  Not before.  Not later.  Just NOW – in the moment you’re in.
Inhabit your morning completely.  Don’t rent it out to the past.  Don’t let your history interfere with your destiny!  Let today be the day you stop being a victim of yesterday’s circumstances and start taking action towards the life you want.  You have the power and the time to shape the rest of this day.  Break free from the poisonous victim mentality and embrace the truth of your greatness.  (Read The Book of Awakening.)

3. They use self-inquiry to affirm a purposeful start to the day.

Steve Jobs’ morning routine used to start by looking in the mirror and asking, “If today were the last day of my life, would I want to do what I am about to do today?”  And Benjamin Franklin asked himself each morning, “What good shall I do today?”  I challenge you to come up with questions that keep you on track and push you to live a purposeful life.  Here are three questions I often ask myself:
  • What would I like to remember about today?
  • How will I sincerely honor my own desires and truth today?
  • What can I do to make a positive difference in the lives around me today?

4. They read something positive.

Some happy people read a bit of scripture each morning, while others read inspiring books, articles or quotes to get their day started.  Either way, they have a ritual to read some form of self-improvement literature to stretch and grow their insight and knowledge.  It’s starts their day off on a positive note with positive, productive ideas to guide their day’s journey.
And that’s crucial, because in life you often have to create your own sunshine.  So read something positive every morning when you wake up, and let it inspire you to do something positive before you go back to sleep at night.  That’s how memorable days are made.

5.  They follow an effective morning routine.

Happy, healthy people know that morning routines are critically important.  They help you focus and build momentum for your day, and they give you the freedom to be present and relaxed – to enjoy just being right where you are each moment, rather than rushing from somewhere to somewhere.
Once you get your routine in order, for the first time in a long time, you will be able to, quite literally, smell the coffee.  For truly easy-going mornings, reduce the number of decisions you must make.  There are two simple ways to do this:
First, make your big morning decisions the night before: what to eat for breakfast, what clothes to wear, what you need to take to work, etc.
Second, build a simple routine for as much of your daily morning tasks as possible.
Really, there’s no need to drastically alter the simple things like how much time you give yourself to get ready for work, how complex of a meal you make for breakfast, or bathroom and shower rituals from one morning to the next.

6.  They give themselves enough time to eat a wholesome breakfast.

You can’t possibly have a happy, healthy day if you feed your body garbage first thing in the morning.  Period.  Your body is a temple.  You are what you eat.  So do not eat processed food, fast food, and all the filth the big processed food companies try to pass off as “healthy.”
Does it take ten extra minutes to prepare a wholesome breakfast?  Yes it does.  Is it worth it?  Yes it is!  Most foods that you don’t have to prepare manually statically cause sickness, cancer, and disease.  Do they taste good?  Sure.  It’s all well-seasoned, pre-packaged poison.  This is why so many people are sick – mentally, emotionally, physically, and spiritually – because they are hooked to the taste of poison, instead of being hooked on the truth and to real foods that heal and provide the human body with good health and wellness.  Don’t make this mistake.  Fuel your body properly first thing every morning.  (Read 100 Days of Real Food.)

7.  They move on gracefully to what’s most important.

As human beings, we are goal oriented.  We like making progress.  When we accomplish one of our goals, we smile about it.  That’s why the happiest people I know are also some of the most successful people I know.
And success is not something you have; it’s something you DO.  It’s something you experience when you wake up and act accordingly.  So let your first hour set the theme of proactivity and success that is certain to echo through your entire day.  The key is to focus your attention first thing in the morning on the right things.  Why?  Because at some point we all wonder, “Why is it so impossible to get everything done?”  But the answer is stunningly simple: We’re doing too many of the wrong things.
Several research studies have shown that people never get more done by blindly working more hours on everything that comes up.  Instead, they get more done when they follow careful plans that measure and track key priorities and milestones.  So if you want to be more successful, less stressed, and a lot happier at the end of a long day, don’t ask how to make something more efficient until you’ve first asked, “Do I need to do this at all?”  Simply being able to do something well does not make it the right thing to do.  I think this is one of the most common problems with a lot of time-management advice; too often productivity gurus focus on how to do things quickly, but the vast majority of things people do quickly should not be done at all.

Afterthoughts

Angel and I have our alarm set to the song Happy by Pharrell Williams.  For us, it’s impossible to not smile when this song plays.  This, combined with the other rituals above, set the tone for a productive, happy and healthy day.   :)

The floor is yours…

So what about you?  What helps you start the day off right?  Please let us know by leaving a comment below.
Photo by: Riana Green

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Friday 5 December 2014

10 Habits of Happy, Healthy Couples

Post written by: Angel Chernoff
10 Habits of Happy, Healthy Couples
by Ash Roy
It’s important to understand that love is not just about finding the right person; it’s about working with them to create the right relationship.
Do you struggle in your relationship with your significant other from time to time?  Do you wonder if there’s a way to live together more harmoniously?
I’ve been there.
Can I tell you a little secret?
Most “happy, healthy couples” don’t expect to be happy and harmonious all the time.  They deal with their little quibbles and make conscious choices that lead to happiness as a couple in the long-term.
Being in a relationship with one person for more than a few years is one heck of a ride.  It ain’t always easy.  In fact, it’s hard a lot of the time.
See, it’s not about finding the right one, but rather about being the right one.
Before I got married, I embarked on a mini research project.  I asked over 100 couples who’d been married for more than 20 years this one question: “What’s the secret to a happy marriage?”
What I learned from them really broadened my perspective on relationships.  It set a realistic framework for my marriage.  Ten years later, my wife and I still love each other dearly — despite the various ups and downs all marriages are subject to.
The lessons that research project taught me, combined with my own experiences, have revealed key daily habits necessary for a happy, healthy relationship.
Here are 10 things happy, healthy couples do every day:

1.  They cherish their differences.

Have you noticed a happy couple together?  They aren’t fiercely independent or pathologically dependent.  They’ve struck a healthy medium.
I think of it as interdependence.  They can agree to disagree on the little things.
Sure, they’re aligned on the big things like life goals.  But they don’t feel that they have to like the same music and share a favorite color.  They don’t expect their partner to approve of all their choices.  Each partner stands in his or her own power and respects the other’s opinion.
Each partner is a happy and successful person in his or her own right.

2.  They keep their assumptions in check.

We go into most situations with certain assumptions —based on our life experiences.
Let’s say one partner grew up in a touchy-feely family and the other didn’t.  The one who did grow up in a touchy-feely family is likely to interpret the other’s behavior as distant or indifferent.
The incorrect assumption?  To express affection, we must be touchy-feely.  That assumption right there can wreak havoc in a relationship!
The solution? Be mindful of your underlying assumptions that sabotage your relationship.
So how do you actually do this?  The next time you’re upset with your partner, check in with yourself first.  Ask yourself: “What are the facts and what are my opinions (based on my assumptions) about this situation?”
Fact: He’s not very physically expressive.
Opinion (based on your assumptions): He doesn’t love me as much as I love him.
Now that you’ve separated the facts from your opinion, question your opinion.  Does that opinion help or hurt your relationship?  I find this kind of self-inquiry to be surprisingly powerful.  Try it.  (Read The Mastery of Love.)

3.  They don’t confuse their spouse with a carnival psychic.

It’s quite common to think of our partner as an extension of ourselves.  It just happens.  We often assume they know what we’re thinking… almost as if he or she lives in our head.
Here’s an example: John loves his wife Alice.  They’ve been married for 8 years.  Alice comes back from an awful day at work and John greets her enthusiastically.
Alice somehow expects John to know she’s had a bad day.  She wants space and finds his enthusiasm annoying.  Meanwhile, John has no idea what’s going through Alice’s mind, and is trying to work out why she’s so cold and distant.
See the problem here?
We often assume our partners live in our heads and then expect them to respond to our un-communicated frustrations.
Not. Going. To. Happen.
Happy, healthy couples have worked this out.  They make a conscious effort to communicate their needs to each other — even if it seems obvious.
Especially when it seems obvious.

4.  They do their best to step into each other’s shoes.

In other words, they are mindful of each other’s unique perspective.
Imagine this: You know your partner had very little sleep last night.  If you are mindful of this, you’ll interpret their abruptness through their lens (not yours): “I’m tired and I’m not myself right now.”
You won’t take things as personally as you otherwise would have.  You’ll realize it has nothing to do with you and won’t feel hurt.  You won’t react with anger.
Conflict averted.
Even better, you’re more likely to be considerate and offer to give them a back rub to take the edge off.  A little empathy driven shift in perspective goes a really long way.

5.  They recognize the value of personal growth.

You know how to tell if something is alive and well?  You look for evidence of growth.
Great relationships usually have partners committed to lifelong learning and growth.  They’re curious about things.  They are keen to learn from the world and from each other.
Because of their love for learning they afford each other the freedom to develop as individuals within the relationship.
I’ve seen quite a lot of unhappiness in relationships caused by one or both partners being clingy.  They don’t want their significant other to change so they don’t have to change themselves.
But here’s the simple truth: Change is a part of the universe and humans are no exception.
If you want to have a successful relationship you’ve got to embrace learning and personal growth with open arms.

6.  They assume the best of intentions.

Life throws a lot of challenges in every couple’s way.  Happy, healthy couples have figured out the solution lies in consciously adopting an optimistic attitude towards each other and the world in general.
In practice, this means they choose to look for good intentions behind each other’s actions rather than assuming the worst.  They build their relationship on this platform of faith in each other.
The result?  Their approach engenders trust and respect — two key cornerstones of a successful relationship.
Cultivating learned optimism gives you an opportunity to ‘set the tone’ in the relationship.  You feed off each other’s energy and can create a bond where the whole is greater than the sum of the parts. 

7.  They seek rapport even in moments of conflict.

Smart couples know the importance of mirroring their partner’s feelings by repeating their partner’s words.
“What I heard you say was that you’re very angry and hurt about my having forgotten your birthday.  I’m sorry that I forgot your birthday and I understand that you’re angry and hurt.  I’d feel the same way if I were you.”
By repeating their partner’s exact words and phrases it forces them to empathize deeply.
Honoring each other’s feelings reinforces mutual trust and respect and builds deep understanding.

8.  They figure out a way to reconnect.

One of the best books on relationships that I’ve read is called Getting the Love You Want by Harville Hendrix.  Hendrix believes the main reason couples fight is because they feel disconnected.  And happy, healthy couples have figured out ways to reconnect.  They both take individual responsibility to reconnect after a little argument or any sort of friction that inevitably creeps into their day-to-day lives.
They don’t let their daily resentments eat away at the relationship.
Sure, they give each other space when necessary, but then they figure out a way to reconnect with each other — usually via acts of good will and kindness.
A bunch of flowers picked from the garden.  A bit of humor to lighten the mood.  A hug.  Heck, even a smile.  It doesn’t really matter what.  They do something to reconnect and they do it as soon as possible.

9.  They make time to nurture their relationship. (Especially if they have kids!)

Ever seen a couple with kids at the grocery store.  See that look on their faces?  Like they’re about to explode.  That’s cause they are!
Kids can obliterate essential ‘couple time’ — critical to any happy relationship.
Happy, healthy couples know this and they make time to spend exclusively with each other.  Whether this means getting a babysitter and having a date night every week or just having a glass of wine together after the kids have gone to bed.  They make sure it happens.
It’s essential to make time!  I can’t stress it enough.  Don’t do this and it could be years before you really connect with each again — if at all!  And if you eventually do you won’t recognize each other.
So, when was the last time you went out for a planned date with your partner?

10.  They are committed to weathering the peaks and valleys.

I’ve saved the best for last, because this is the most crucial point of them all.
Show me any great couple and I’ll show you two people who are committed to making their relationship work.  No.  Matter.  What.  They put in the effort day in and day out.  They’re willing to have the difficult conversations.  They fight, but they admit to their mistakes and apologize.  They argue, but make the effort to understand the other’s perspective.
Because every healthy relationship needs an argument every now and then… just to prove that it is strong enough to survive.  Long-term relationships, the ones that matter, are all about weathering the peaks and the valleys.
Happy, healthy couples know this, and they persevere.  They don’t give up on each other.  They stick it out.

Afterthoughts

A happy, healthy long-term relationship as I’ve described in this post may be one decision away from you.
And that’s the decision to be that ideal partner you’re looking for in your partner.  In most cases, what you bring into the relationship has a direct impact on what you get out of it.
I believe every one of us is capable of making this decision.
I did.  And so can you.
It won’t be easy.  But it’s well worth it in the end.

Your turn…

In your experience, what helps create a happy, healthy relationship?  Please leave a comment below and share your thoughts with the community.
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Wednesday 3 December 2014

30 Things to Let Go of Before the New Year

post written by: Marc Chernoff
30 Things to Let Go of Before the New Year
You will find that it is necessary to let some things go, simply for the reason that they are heavy.  So let them go… LET GO of them.  Tie no weights to your ankles.
“Yesterday afternoon my twin sister called me from her hospital room.  She’s been in a coma for almost a year now.  Entering the holiday season and New Year with my sister back at my side is a priceless feeling.  We actually spent the entire night together, talking and laughing.  She’s still weak, of course, but surprisingly coherent.”
That’s the opening paragraph to an email I received this morning from a reader named Amber.  It caught my attention for obvious reasons.
Amber then went on to say, “But you know what the really crazy thing is?  A month before my sister’s accident, we got in a ridiculous argument and didn’t speak to each other for that entire month. And today, honestly, neither one of us can even remember why we were so darn mad.  We were just being stubborn and holding on to the wrong thoughts.  I’m so grateful we were able to let it go and get another chance to love each other.”
Wow!  Talk about a wake-up call and a great reminder for all of us to LET IT GO.
And since the New Year is just around the corner, which inspires many of us to refocus our energy and attention on the right things, I think it’s a perfect time right now to start letting go of the wrong things.  Wouldn’t you agree?
So today, I challenge you to this:
Before the New Year…
  1. Let go of your temper. – Never do something permanently foolish just because you are temporarily upset.
  2. Let go of petty grudges. – Life is far too short to be spent nursing bitterness and registering wrongs.  If there’s someone in your life who deserves another chance, give it to them.  If you need to apologize, do it.  Give your story together a happy, new beginning.
  3. Let go of the idea that everyone has it better than you. – If the grass looks greener on the other side…  Stop staring.  Stop comparing.  Stop complaining and START watering the grass you’re standing on.
  4. Let go of lingering false beliefs. – Stop from time to time and ask yourself, “Is it true?”  It’s funny how we can sometimes wrap our minds around things and fit them into our version of reality.  But thinking something does not make it true.  Wanting something does not make it real.  So watch your thoughts.  Be wise.  When your identity is not rooted in the truth, it can lead to toxic and lonely places where we seek approval from the wrong things.  (Read Loving What Is.)
  5. Let go of expired ideals. – Growth is painful.  Change is painful.  But in the end, nothing is as painful as staying stuck somewhere you do not belong.
  6. Let go of yesterday’s tragedies. – You are not what has happened to you; you are what you choose to become in this moment.  Drop the needless burden, take a deep breath and start again.  Ultimately, you will know you are on the right track in life when you become disinterested in looking back, and eager to take the next step.
  7. Let go of your tendency to avoid problems. – You cannot change what you refuse to confront.
  8. Let go of life’s little annoyances. – Don’t let dumb little things break your happiness.  Frustration and stress come from the way you react, not the way things are.  Adjust your attitude, and the frustration and stress is gone.
  9. Let go of assuming other people are more “normal” than you. – The only normal people you know are the ones you don’t know very well.  Period.
  10. Let go acting standoffish and unapproachable. – We all need to learn to be more human.  Don’t avoid eye contact.  Don’t hide behind gadgets.  Smile often.  Ask about people’s stories.  Listen.
  11. Let go of the idea that some people are below you. – Even if you’ve worked really hard to get to where you are in life, there’s no such thing as a self-made person.  Someone believed, encouraged, and invested in you.  Be grateful and be that someone for others too.  What goes around eventually comes around.  No one has ever made themselves strong in the long run by showing how small someone else is.  So don’t be lazy and make assumptions about people.  Ask about their story.  Then listen.  Be humble.  Be teachable.  Be human.  Be a good neighbor.
  12. Let go of the idea that you are what you physically own. – You are an incredible human being who’s entirely detached from what you have physically acquired in this world.  Remember to remain humble.  Ultimately, two things define you more than anything else: Your patience when you have very little, and your attitude when you have more than enough.
  13. Let go of wanting stuff you don’t need. – Don’t think of cost.  Think of value.  And remember, it’s always easier to find wealth by needing less, instead of making more and more and more.  (Read The Total Money Makeover.)
  14. Let go of seeking happiness from outside yourself. – In life, you have to create your own sunshine.  Happiness starts from within.  So read something positive every morning and do something positive before you go back to sleep.  Keep your focus on all the positive possibilities and opportunities, and you will feel great.  Feel great, and you will do great things.
  15. Let go of wanting to be repaid of every good deed you do. – Don’t worry too much about what’s in it for you.  If you’re making a positive contribution to others, there’s always something in it for you.  You were born with the ability to change someone’s life.  Don’t ever waste it.  Be kind.  Be present.  Be someone who makes a difference.
  16. Let go of all the little white lies and charades. – How do you build credibility?  It’s not rocket science.  Be honest.  Follow through.  Honor your promises.  Say sorry when you screw up.  Be the type of person you want to meet and spend time with.  Be the type of person whose actions, words and values always agree with each other.
  17. Let go of any hypocrisy. – For instance, don’t pray when it rains if you don’t pray when the sun shines.
  18. Let go of putting everyone else’s needs in front of your own. – Give as much as you can every day, but don’t allow yourself to be used.  Listen to others closely, but don’t lose your own voice.
  19. Let go of fearing what your intuition is telling you to do. – Fear kills more dreams than failure ever will.  So don’t let fear shut you down; let it wake you up.  Do one thing every day that scares you.  The more that you act on your intuition fearlessly, the more your intuition will serve you.  If you genuinely feel something, pay attention.
  20. Let go of waiting for the stars to align. – Remember, you don’t always need the perfect plan.  Sometimes you just need to give it a try, let go, and see what happens.  Just do the best you can until you know better.  Once you know better, do better.
  21. Let go of the need to get everything done at once. – Keep going.  True purpose has no time limit.  True purpose has no deadline.  Don’t stress and overwhelm yourself.  Just do what you can right now.
  22. Let go of the “all or nothing” mentality regarding success. – Appreciate the grey area between the extremes of success and failure – the journey, the process, the path – what you’re learning, how you’re helping others learn too, and the growing process you allow yourself to participate in.  And above all, never let success get to your head or failure get to your heart.
  23. Let go of criticizing yourself. – Nobody is inspired by your misery or self-deprecating comments.  If you wish to inspire yourself and others, be joyful.  Have fun.  Love yourself.  Forgive yourself.  Accept yourself.  Be unapologetically YOU.
  24. Let go of those who say you aren’t attractive enough. – More women worldwide are suffering from anorexia and bulimia than are fighting breast cancer.  There are similar statistics for men too.  Love yourself the way you are, because you are beautiful just the way you are.
  25. Let go of changing just to impress people. – Change because it makes you a better person and leads you to a brighter future.  Change because you know it’s the right thing to do for YOU.
  26. Let go of needing everyone to like you. – Everyone doesn’t need to like you, and some people won’t no matter what you do.  Try not to take the things these people say about you personally.  What they think and say is a reflection of them, not you.  (Read The Mastery of Love.)
  27. Let go of all negative influences.  Period. – You can’t expect to feel good if you surround yourself with negativity.  Be with those who bring out the best in you, not the stress in you.
  28. Let go of thinking that giving up the wrong things (and relationships) means failure. – Giving up and moving on are two very different things.
  29. Let go of the idea that it’s too late to start over and get it right. – Remember, it’s always better to be at the bottom of the ladder you want to climb than the top of the one you don’t.
  30. Let go of putting things off for one more day. – Stop procrastinating.  Stop wishing for it and start working for it.  Do what you have to do today so you can do what you truly want to do, and be where you truly want to be, tomorrow.

Afterthoughts

Sometimes the hardest part isn’t letting go, but rather learning to start over in certain areas of your life.  This is a challenge all of us face.  If you’re struggling with any of the points above, there is a clear path to the new beginning you seek.  Your present habits are simply broken and need to be mended.  When you trust a broken set of habits every day, it’s only a matter of time before you feel broken too.
It doesn’t have to be this way though.  You can make adjustments starting today that will instantly help you feel better, think more clearly, and live more effectively.

The floor is yours…

What’s the #1 thing you need to let go of before the New Year?  Leave a comment below and share your thoughts with us.

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Friday 28 November 2014

10 Great Privileges We Forget to Be Thankful For

post written by: Marc Chernoff

10 Privileges We Forget to Be Thankful For
Even in times of uncertainty – even when life seems far from perfect – it’s always important to keep things in perspective.
Wealth is the ability to fully experience life.
― Henry David Thoreau
  1. You are alive.
  2. You didn’t go to sleep hungry last night.
  3. You didn’t go to sleep outside.
  4. You had a choice of what clothes to wear this morning.
  5. You haven’t spent a minute in fear for your life.
  6. You know someone who loves you.
  7. You have access to clean drinking water.
  8. You have access to medical care.
  9. You have access to the Internet.
  10. You can read.
Some might say you are incredibly wealthy and privileged, so remember to be thankful for all the things you do have.

Your turn…

What would you add to the list?
What do you sometimes forget to be thankful for?
Please leave a comment below and share your thoughts.
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Wednesday 19 November 2014

9 Good Reminders that Will Change the Way You Think

post written by: Marc Chernoff


9 Good Reminders that Will Change the Way You Think
“The world as we have created it is a process of our thinking.  It cannot be changed without changing our thinking.”
― Albert Einstein
“This morning, nearly five years after my husband’s passing, a beautiful couple and their three kids knocked on my front door.  The man smiled and said, “Your husband was my heart donor.  He saved my life.  Not a single day has gone by that I don’t pray for him and think of you.  Thank you!”
This is the opening paragraph right out of an email I received today from a reader named, Colleen.  She goes on to admit that she couldn’t see any positive sides of her husband’s death, until she was staring at them on her door step.  “It doesn’t necessarily make things easier, but it certainly changed the way I think.  I feel like a small piece of my broken heart has healed.”
And the truth is, it happens just like that.  Although Colleen’s experience is unique, and somewhat extreme, at some point life slaps all of us with a good reminder that shifts our perspective.  Personally, I have been slapped with several of these reminders over the years.   And today, I want to pass a few of them along to you…
  1. Everything that happens helps you grow, even if it’s hard to see right now. – Circumstances will direct you, correct you, and perfect you over time.  Sometimes these circumstances knock you down, hard.  There will be times when it seems like everything that could possibly go wrong is going wrong.  And you might feel like you will be stuck in this rut forever, but you won’t.  When you feel like quitting, remember that sometimes things have to go very wrong before they can be right.  Sometimes you have to go through the worst, to arrive at your best.  Because our most significant opportunities are often found in times of great difficulty.  Thus, you will face your greatest opposition when you are closest to your biggest miracle.
  2. The way you feel about people and situations will shift, and that’s OK. – Things will seem totally different to you at some point in the future, just as you feel different now than you did in the past.  So remember, just because you liked something at one point in time doesn’t mean you’ll always like it, or that you have to go on liking it at all points in the future as an act of loyalty to who you are as a person, based solely on who you once were as a person.  To be loyal to yourself is to allow yourself to grow and change, and challenge who you once were and what you once thought.  The only thing you ever have to be for sure is unsure, and this means you’re growing, and not stagnant or shrinking.  (Read The Untethered Soul.)
  3. There will always be more tough changes to make. – Growth is painful.  Change is painful.  But in the end, nothing is as painful as staying stuck somewhere you do not belong.  Again, you’re not the same person you were a year ago, a month ago, or a week ago.  You’re always growing.  Experiences don’t stop.  That’s life.  It takes a great deal of courage to admit that something needs to change, and a lot more courage still, to accept the responsibility for making the change happen.  But doing so is worth every bit of effort you can muster.
  4. Those who complain the most, accomplish the least. – It’s always better to attempt to do something great and fail than to attempt to do nothing and succeed.  It’s not over if you’ve lost; it’s over when you do nothing but complain about it.  If you believe in something, keep trying.  Don’t let the shadows of the past darken the doorstep of your future.  Spending today complaining about yesterday won’t make tomorrow any brighter.  Take action instead.  And regardless of what happens in the long run, remember that true happiness begins to arrive only when you stop complaining about your problems and you start being grateful for all the problems you don’t have.
  5. The happiness of your life depends on the quality of your thoughts. – The mind is your battleground.  It’s the place where the greatest conflict resides.  It’s where half of the things you thought were going to happen, never did happen.  But if you allow these thoughts to dwell in your mind, they will succeed in robbing you of peace, joy, and ultimately your life.  You will think yourself into a nervous breakdown, into depression, and into defeat.  You are what you think.  You can’t change anything if you can’t change your thinking.  A beautiful day begins with a beautiful mindset.  When you wake up, take a second to think about what a privilege it is to simply be alive and healthy.  Breathe onto the bathroom mirror, just to see how amazing your breath looks.  The moment you start acting like life is a blessing, I assure you it will start to feel like one.
  6. You were born with the ability to change someone’s life. – Don’t ever waste it.  Be kind.  Be present.  Be someone who makes a difference.  In a gentle way, you can shake the world.  Truth be told, the purpose of life is not just to be happy in your own little bubble; it is to be helpful, to be honorable, to be compassionate and kind, to have your life make some kind of difference that you have lived and lived well.  Go ahead; leave the world a little better than you found it.
  7. You can best serve yourself and others by giving yourself what YOU need. – That’s right, your needs matter more than you can imagine.  Don’t ignore them.  Sometimes you have to do exactly what’s best for you and your life, not just what seems best on the surface for everyone else.  Decide this very minute to never again beg anyone for the love, respect, and attention that you should be showing yourself.  Today, look at yourself in the mirror and say, “I love you, and from now on I’m going to act like it.”  Because the truth is, when we practice self-love and self-respect, we give ourselves the opportunity to be happy.  And when we are happy, we become better friends, better family members, and better lovers.  (Read Loving What Is.)
  8. Everyone you meet serves a purpose in your life. – We meet no ordinary people in our lives.  If you give them a chance, everyone has something amazing to offer.  They may not be what you expected or wanted, but their presence is important.  Some people will test you, some will teach you, and some will bring out the very best in you.  So be thankful for everyone in your life.  Yes EVERYONE!  It’ll be hard sometimes, but do your best to be grateful for the rude, difficult people too.  They serve as great reminders of how NOT to be.
  9. You are not alone in feeling weird and alone. – I used to think I was the strangest person in the world, but then I thought about how there are so many people in the world, there must be someone just like me who feels weird and flawed in the same ways I do.  I would imagine him or her, and imagine that he or she must be out there thinking of me too.  Well, I hope that if you are out there and reading this, you now know that, yes, it’s true I’m here, and I’m just as strange as you.  I often feel and think and struggle much like you do.  I care about many of the things you care about, just in my own way.  And although some people do not understand us, we understand each other.  YOU are not weird and alone!

Afterthoughts

I hope you will have a wonderful day today, that you will dream boldly and dangerously, that you will make something that didn’t exist before you took action, that you will love and be loved in return, and that you will find the strength to accept and grow from the troubles you can’t change.  And, most importantly (because I think there should be more kindness and wisdom in this crazy world), that you will, when you must, be wise with your decisions, and that you will always be extra kind to yourself and others.

The floor is yours…

What else would you add to the list?  What’s one good reminder you try to keep in mind to keep yourself on track?  Leave a comment below and share your thoughts and insights.

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Friday 14 November 2014

The 10 Most Important Questions You Can Ask Yourself Today

post written by: Marc Chernoff
The 10 Most Important Questions You Can Ask Yourself Today
At the end of the day, the questions we ask ourselves determine the type of people we become.
When you’ve been running a successful personal development blog and life coaching business for the better part of a decade, one thing becomes crystal clear:
Everyone has the same basic wants and needs.
No kidding, over the years Angel and I have gotten to know thousands of people of different ethnic backgrounds, from different cities and countries, who live at various socioeconomic levels, and trust me, every one of us basically wants the same things.  We want validation, love, happiness, fulfillment, money, and hopes for a better future.  The way we pursue these needs is where things branch off, but the fundamentals are the same.
Think about it.  If I ask you, “Quickly, in one sentence, what do you want most out of life?” I bet your rushed response is going to be something like, “I want to be happy, and have a healthy family, and a career I like that pays well, etc.”  Your response is going to be so common and ubiquitous that it basically doesn’t even mean anything.  Which is precisely why senseless, happy-go-lucky questions like this aren’t very helpful.  And yet, this is precisely the kind of questions we often ask ourselves.
So what kind of questions might you ask instead?  Questions that force you into a corner.  Questions that help you embrace the sacrifices it takes to get where you want to go.  Questions that motivate you to focus on the next step forward.  In other words, questions like…
  1. What is worth suffering for? – If you want the benefits of something in life, you have to also want the costs.  If you want the six-pack abs, you have to want the sweat, the sore muscles, the early mornings at the gym, and the low carb meals.  If you want the successful business, you have to also want the late nights, the risky business deals and decisions, and the possibility of failing fifty times to learn what you need to know to succeed.  If you find yourself wanting something month after month, year after year, yet nothing happens and you never come any closer to it, then maybe what you actually want is just an idealization, a fantasy, and a false promise.  Maybe you don’t actually want it at all, because you’re not willing to suffer though the work it’s going to take to achieve it.
  2. Based on my daily routines and actions, where can I expect to be in five years? – This question just backs up the first one.  If you have an idea about what you want the next chapter of your life to look like, you have to DO things that support this idea every day.  An idea, after all, isn’t going to do anything for you until you do something productive with it.  In fact, as long as that great idea is just sitting around in your head it’s doing far more harm than good.  Your subconscious mind knows you’re procrastinating on something that’s important to you.  The necessary work that you keep postponing causes stress, anxiety, fear, and usually more procrastination – a vicious cycle that continues to worsen until you interrupt it with ACTION.  (Read 7 Habits of Highly Effective People.)
  3. What do I need to spend more or less time doing going forward? – Most of us spend way too much time on what is urgent and not enough time on what is important.  In other words, productivity is not just about getting things done, it’s about getting the right things done.  At the end of each day, look at how you have spent your time, and adjust the allocation as necessary for tomorrow.  Do your best to get rid of your schedule’s complexities so you can spend more time on the things that matter.  This means fine-tuning and eliminating all but the essential tasks, so you are left with only the ones that add value to your life.  And above all, know when to set aside the important things for the vital things, like family.
  4. In service of what? – As Viktor Frankl so eloquently put it: “Don’t aim at success.  The more you aim at it and make it a target, the more you are going to miss it.  For success, like happiness, cannot be pursued, it must ensue, and it only does so as the unintended side effect of one’s personal dedication to a cause greater than one’s self.”  So think bigger.  Be a part of something greater than yourself.  This could be anything.  Some people take an active role in their local city council, some find refuge in their faith or family, some join social clubs supporting causes they resonate with, and others find passion in their careers.  In each case the psychological outcome is the same.  They engage themselves in something they strongly believe in.  This engagement brings happiness, success, and meaning into their lives.
  5. What am I pretending not to know? – Reality denied always comes back to haunt.  There are two ways to be fooled by your own subconscious.  One is to believe what isn’t true; the other is to refuse to believe what is true.  Both are tragic forms of self-deception, because the person who lies to herself and listens to her own lies comes to a point that she cannot distinguish the truth within her, or around her, and so loses respect for herself and for others she cares about.  Don’t be this person.  All possibilities open up when we stop deceiving ourselves.
  6. What old rejections are still holding me back today? – All too often we let the rejections of our past dictate every move we make.  We literally do not know ourselves to be any better than what some opinionated person or narrow circumstance once told us was true.  Of course, an old rejection doesn’t mean we aren’t good enough; it just means some person or circumstance from our past failed to align with what we had to offer at the time.  It means we were graced with more time to improve our thing – to build upon our ideas, to perfect our craft, and indulge deeper in to the work that moves us.  Don’t let old rejections take up permanent residence in your head.  Kick them out on the street.  
  7. What do I not want others to know about me? – This question cuts right to the heart of your insecurities.  Let it remind you that problems and flaws are a part of everyone’s life.  If you try to hide them, you don’t give the people in your life a chance to truly know you and love you.  And you allow small problems to escalate and dominate your self-confidence.  When you make a mistake, it might be irritating, but don’t bury it.  Be open about it, address it, and move on.  Our problems are really our blessings if we use them to grow stronger.  And, ultimately, the people who belong in your life will see your problems and flaws simply as signs that you are just as human as they are.
  8. Are the people around me helping me or hurting me? – A big part of who you become in life has to do with who you choose to surround yourself with.  And as you know, it is better to be alone than in bad company.  You simply cannot expect to live a positive, fulfilling life if you surround yourself with negative people.  Distancing yourself from these people is never easy, but it’s a lot harder when they happen to be close friends or family members.  As hard as it may be, it’s something you need to address.  To a certain degree, luck controls who walks into your life, especially as it relates to your family and childhood friends, but you decide who you spend the majority of your time with.
  9. How are my “shoulds” getting in the way of my “haves”? – The desires of our ego are often in conflict with the emotions of our heart.  Find your balance between planning and presence – between striving and appreciation.  Work hard, but don’t go looking for something better every second.  You must be willing to loosen your grip on the life you have planned so you can enjoy the life that is waiting for you in this moment.  It may not be everything you want for your future, but it’s everything you need right now.  Experience it and appreciate it.
  10. What is worth smiling about right now? – As Shawn Achor describes in his book The Happiness Advantage, a recent scientific study showed that doctors who are put in a positive mood before making a diagnosis consistently experience significant boosts to their intellectual abilities than doctors in a neutral state, which allows them to make accurate diagnoses almost 20% faster.  The same study then shifted to other vocations and found that optimistic salespeople outsell their pessimistic counterparts by over 50%.  Students primed to feel happy before taking math tests substantially outperform their neutral peers.  So it turns out that our minds are literally hardwired to perform at their best not when they are negative, or even neutral, but when they are positive.

Your turn…

At any given moment, life is filled with unanswered questions, but it is the courage to seek these answers that continues to give our lives meaning.  Honestly, you can spend your life wallowing in despair, wondering why you were the one who was led down a road strewn with trouble and confusion, or you can be grateful that you are strong enough to survive it and step forward.
So with that said, which of the questions above hit home the most?  Why?  Leave a comment below and share your thoughts and insights with us.
Photo by: Marco Bellucci

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