7 Ways to Stay Strong When Everything Goes Wrong

POST WRITTEN BY: MARC CHERNOFF

When life is “falling apart,” it could actually be falling together… for the very first time.  Which is why it feels so darn uncomfortable.  Consider that what’s in front of you may be serving you in valuable ways you don’t even understand right now.

“Today, on my 47th birthday, I re-read the suicide letter I wrote on my 27th birthday about two minutes before my girlfriend showed up at my apartment and told me, ‘I’m pregnant.’  She was honestly the only reason I didn’t follow through with it.  Suddenly I felt I had something to live for.  Today she’s my wife, and we’ve been happily married for 19 years.  And my daughter, who is now a 21-year-old college student, has two younger brothers.  I re-read my suicide letter every year on my birthday as a reminder to be thankful – I am thankful I got a second chance at life.”

That’s the opening paragraph of an email I received last night from a reader named Kevin.  His words remind me that sometimes you have to die a little on the inside first in order to be reborn and rise again as a stronger, smarter version of yourself.

People and circumstances will occasionally break you down.  But if you keep your mind focused, your heart open to love, and continue to put one foot in front of the other, you can recover the pieces, rebuild, and come back much stronger and happier than you ever would have been otherwise.

Angel and I have dealt with our fair share of adversity over the years too – losing loved ones to illness, financial and business turmoil, etc. – and we’ve written a lot about it.  But today, in light of Kevin’s email and a dozen other emails I've received this past week from readers who are struggling with hard times, I want to revisit and discuss seven key actions Angel and I take to find strength when everything seems to be going wrong.

1.  Fully accept the reality of what is.

You cannot find peace by avoiding life.  Life spins with unexpected changes every hour; so instead of avoiding it, take every change and experience as a challenge for growth.  Either it will give you what you want or it will teach you what the next step is.

Finding peace and happiness in life does not mean to be in a place where there is no noise, no challenges, and no hard work.  It means to be in the midst of thosethings while remaining calm in your heart.  It’s about letting go of the pictures in your head about how things were “supposed to be.”

Of course, this isn’t easy – it will be an ongoing struggle.  But it’s infinitely easier than continuing to fight to conform your life to some antiquated delusion.  It’s an infinitely more satisfying journey as well.  When it’s working, when you can detach from those old images, there is peace, there is beauty, and there is happiness.

Honestly, life is too short to spend at war with yourself.  The biggest disappointments in our lives are often the result of misplaced expectations.  Letting go of needless expectations is your first step to happiness.  Come from a mindset of peace and acceptance, and you can deal with almost anything and grow beyond it.

2.  Remind yourself that everything in life is temporary.

Every time it rains, it stops raining.  Every time you get hurt, you heal.  After darkness there is always light – you are reminded of this every morning, but still you often forget, and instead choose to believe that the night will go on forever.  It won’t.  Nothing lasts.

So if things are good right now, enjoy it.  It won’t last forever.  If things are bad, don’t worry because it won’t last forever either.  Just because life isn’t easy at the moment, doesn’t mean you can’t laugh.  Just because something is bothering you, doesn’t mean you can’t smile.  Every moment gives you a new beginning and a new ending.  You get a second chance, every second.  You just have to take it and make the best of it.  (Read The Last Lecture.)

3.  Push yourself to take another step, and another, no matter what.

After studying the lives of many successful people, I’m convinced that about half of what separates successful people from everyone else is pure perseverance.  In a culture that seeks quick results, we must learn the beauty of effort, patience and perseverance.  Be strong, present and steadfast.

The most beautiful smiles are usually the ones that struggled through the tears. Because breakdowns often lead to breakthroughs in the end.  Every mistake, heartbreak and loss contains its own solution, its own subtle lesson on how to improve your performance and outcome next time.  Thus, the most reliable way to predict the future is to create it yourself.  Participate in life today instead of just watching it pass you by.  Don’t let the few things that are out of your control interfere with the infinite assortment of things you can control.

The truth is we all lose sometimes.  The greater truth is that no single loss ever defines us.  Learn from your trials.  Grow wiser.  Press on.

In the end, good things don’t come to those who wait; good things come to those who are patient… while working hard, through good times and bad, for what they want most in life.  It’s about courage.  It’s about being scared to death and then taking the next step anyway.

4.  Use positivity, rather than letting negativity use you.

There may not be an obvious reason to be positive today, but you don’t need a reason.  Being positive is a strategy, not a response.  The most powerful time to be positive is precisely when everything around you is not so positive.

Happiness in the long run is not the absence of problems, but the ability to deal with them.  Raise your awareness to your own inner strength and positivity.  You are in charge of how you react to the people and events in your life.  You can either give negativity power over your life, or you can choose to be positive instead by focusing on the great things that are truly important.  So talk about your blessings more than you talk about your problems today.

In other words, don’t wait for a reason to be positive.  Choose to be positive about your situation, about your possibilities, and about what you can do to move forward from here.  Instead of looking for reasons to be positive, look for ways to express your positive vision.  Work to make your life resonate with that vision, and enjoy all the rewarding outcomes you create.  (Read The Happiness Advantage.)

5.  Focus on making tiny fixes.

Don’t build mountains in your mind.  Don’t try to conquer the world all at once.  When you seek instant gratification (big, quick fixes) you make life unnecessarily painful and frustrating.  When you choose instead to treat each moment as an opportunity to make a tiny, positive investment in yourself, the rewards come naturally.

When everything is broken, it’s easy to find plenty of little things you can fix.  When nothing seems to be going right, even the most fundamental positive effort can make a significant difference.  Times of great adversity are also times of great opportunity.  When there are problems in every direction, there is also great value waiting to be created.  When everything is going well, it’s easy to get lulled into a routine of complacency.  It’s easy to forget how incredibly capable and resourceful you can be.  Resolve to persevere by making tiny fixes every day.  It’s these minor tweaks that take you from where you are to where you want to be in the long run.

Small steps, little leaps, and tiny fixes (very small repetitive changes) every day will get you there, through thick and thin.

6.  Look for something small to appreciate.

You may not have what you want, and you may be very hurt, but you still have more than enough to appreciate right now.  Epicurus once said, “Do not spoil what you have by desiring what you have not; remember that what you now have was once among the things you only hoped for.”  Meditate on this quote when life seems unfair.

Remember that being positive in a negative situation is not naive; it’s a sign of leadership and strength.  You’re doing it right when you have so much to cry and complain about, but you prefer to smile and appreciate your life instead.  So don’t pray for the big miracles and forget to give thanks for the ordinary, simple, and yet not-so-small gifts in your life.  It may seem strange to feel thankful for those events in your life that appear to be ordinary, yet it’s precisely by being thankful that you can transform the ordinary into the extraordinary.

Think about it: What if you woke up tomorrow with only the things you were thankful for today?

Think of all the beauty that still remains around you, notice it and smile.

At the end of the day, it’s not happiness that makes us thankful, but thankfulness that makes us happy.  Showing appreciation for the good things you have is the most powerful happiness boosting activity there is.

7.  Give yourself the extra attention you need and deserve.

Resisting and ignoring your own feelings and emotions does not serve you.  It leads to stress, illness, confusion, broken relationships, fits of anger and bouts of deep, dark depression.  Anyone who’s experienced any of the above knows that these states of mind are horrifically unhealthy… and when you’re in the habit of self-neglect, it’s near impossible to escape.

You have to admit, to a certain extent, you have spent too much of your life trying to shrink yourself.  Trying to become smaller.  Quieter.  Less sensitive.  Less opinionated.  Less needy.  Less YOU.  Because you didn’t want to be too much or push people away.  You wanted to fit in.  You wanted people to like you.  You wanted to make a good impression.  You wanted to be wanted.

So for years, you sacrificed yourself for the sake of making other people happy.  And for years, you suffered.

But you’re tired of suffering, and you’re done shrinking.  Right?  Good!

It’s not your job to change who you are in order to become someone else’s idea of a worthwhile human being.  You are worthwhile.  Not because other people think you are, but because you are breathing your own air, and therefore you matter.  Your thoughts matter.  Your feelings matter.  Your voice matters.  And with or without anyone’s approval or permission, you must be who you are and live your truth.  Even if it makes people turn their heads.  Even if it makes them uncomfortable.  Even if they choose to leave.

Refuse to shrink.  Choose to take up lot of space in your own life.  Choose to give yourself permission to meet your own needs.  Choose to honor your feelings and emotions.  Choose to make self-care a top priority…

Afterthoughts

I can tell you from my own life experience that life is a wild ride.  I’ve found happiness, lost it, found it, lost it and then I found it once again.

But each time what I found was more incredible than the last.

So remember that everyone suffers in life at some point.  Everyone feels lost sometimes.  The key is using your experiences to grow, inch by inch.  When you apply what you’re learning to your future choices and actions, you move forward not backward.  You become stronger and wiser.  It’s not easy, but it’s worth it in the end.

Your turn…

What helps you stay motivated when you’re stressed and struggling?  What’s something positive you try to keep in mind when everything seems to be going wrong?  Leave a comment below and share your thoughts.

Photo by: Jessica Neuwerth

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5 Simple Questions that Will Make You 5 Times More Successful

POST WRITTEN BY: MARC CHERNOFF

Doing your best at this moment puts you in the best place for the next moment.

There’s nothing more disheartening than a perfectly healthy, reasonably affluent human being with the whole world in his or her hands who’s chronically unhappy and unproductive.  There’s really no excuse for it either, yet I see this phenomenon unfolding every single day – people who choose to be stuck in misery and refuse to admit it.  This mindset results from an extremely unbalanced life – one with too much expectation and not enough discipline and appreciation.

What’s the point of achievement if your life has no balance?  There is no point.  Without commitment for what you want most, and gratitude for what you already have, you’ll never know the true joy of success, because nothing will ever change, and even when it does, it will never be good enough in your mind.

But how do you cultivate balance in life when everything is already so far out of whack?

For a decade now, Angel and I have had the privilege of coaching thousands of people from every walk of life, with various socioeconomic backgrounds, from dozens of countries around the world, including some extremely powerful and successful businessmen and businesswomen.

Across the board, we’ve found that successful people habitually ask themselves (and work through) five key questions that dictate both the effectiveness of their decisions and the quality of their lives.

If you avoid these questions and make decisions unconsciously, you’ll end up like the majority of people who tend to be out of shape physically, exhausted mentally, and personally and professionally stressed out.  But if you ask yourself these questions on a regular basis, and make your daily decisions consciously, you can literally change the entire course of your life from this moment forward.

1.  Am I focusing on the right things?

At every moment, millions of little things compete for your attention.  All these things fall into one of two categories: things that are important and things that are not.

People never get more done by blindly working more hours on everything that comes up.  Instead, they get more done when they follow careful plans that measure and track key priorities and milestones.  So if you want to be more successful and less stressed, don’t ask how to make something more efficient until you’ve first asked, “Do I need to do this at all?”

Simply being able to do something well does not make it the right thing to do.  I think this is one of the most common problems with a lot of time-management advice; too often productivity gurus focus on how to do things quickly, but the vast majority of things people do quickly should not be done at all.  (ReadGetting Things Done.)

2.  Is my mindset in the positive or the negative?

Where your mind goes, energy flows.  Which area of your life do you tend to focus on: what you have or what’s missing from your life?

I’m sure you think about both sides of this equation.  But if you scrutinize your habitual thoughts, what do you tend to spend more time dwelling on?  The positives or the negatives?

Rather than focusing on what you don’t have and begrudging those who are better off than you, perhaps you should acknowledge that you have lots to be grateful for.  Developing a habit of appreciating what you have can create a new level of emotional well-being and strength.  But the real question is: do you take time to feel deeply grateful with your mind, body, heart and soul?  That’s where the energy to take positive action comes from.

So don’t let negativity and drama get the best of you.  Your brain is a radio transmitter.  It broadcasts thoughts, directions and vibrations into your life – you get to choose the station it’s tuned to.  Happy, successful people understand this and tune out negativity to make room for positivity.  Be wise enough to follow in their footsteps.  Walk away from the nonsense around you.  Focus on the positives, and soon the negatives will be harder to see.

Also, along these same lines, accept the fact that there’s a lot you can’t control.  And if you focus on what you can’t control, you’ll do nothing but create more stress for yourself.  So remember, you can influence many aspects of your life but you can’t control them entirely.  Once you fully accept and adopt this pattern of thinking, another important question must be asked:

3.  What meaning am I assigning to my challenges?

Even when we’re being positive, we all have challenges; there’s no escaping that.  But how you feel about your life has little to do with the events in it or what has (or hasn’t) happened to you.  The meaning you assign to these things controls the quality of your life.  Most of the time, however, you may be unaware of the effect of your unconscious mind in assigning meaning to life’s events.  So check-in with yourself…

• When something happens that disrupts your life (an illness, an injury, a job loss, etc.), do you tend to think that this is the end or the beginning?
• If someone confronts you, is that person insulting you, coaching you or trying to care for you?
• Does a big problem mean that God is punishing you or challenging you?  Or is it possible that this problem isn’t really a problem at all, but an opportunity?

Bottom line: When something negative happens, view this circumstance as a chance to learn something you didn’t know.  Don’t wish it never happened.  Don’t try to step back in time.  Take the lessons learned and step forward.  You have to tell yourself, “It’s OK.  I’m doing OK.”  You need to know that it’s better to cross new lines and suffer the consequences of a lesson learned from time to time, than to just stare at the lines for the rest of your life and always wonder.

Also keep in mind that the past, even when troubled, is invaluable to your present.  It provides a solid foundation for everything you’re doing now.  Learn from it – the mistakes and the successes – and then let it go.  This process might seem easier said than done, but it depends on your focus.  The past is just training; it doesn’t define you in this moment.  Think about what went wrong, but only in terms of how it will help you make things right.

When we shift our habitual focus and meanings, there’s no limit on what life can become.  A change of focus and a shift in meaning can literally alter our biochemistry and the trajectory of our lives in a couple minutes flat.  (ReadAwaken the Giant Within.)

So take control and always remember: Meaning equals emotion and emotion equals power.  Choose wisely.  Find an empowering meaning in any event, and best will always be yours for the taking.

And that leads right in to the next question…

4.  What will I do next to progress?

While everyone else is talking about it, successful people are quietly doing it.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: It doesn’t matter if you have a genius IQ and a PhD in Quantum Physics, you can’t change anything or make any sort of real-world progress without taking action.  There’s a huge difference between knowing how to do something and actually doing it.  Knowledge and intelligence are both useless without action.  It’s as simple as that.

Successful people know that a good plan executed today is better than a perfect plan executed someday.  They don’t wait for the “right time” or the “right day” or the “right (impossible) circumstances”, because they know these reactions are based on a fear and nothing more.  They take action here and now, today – because that’s where real progress happens.  

5.  What tangible reminders do I need to see to stay motivated?

You want to lose weight, but when you’re tired, it’s easy to rationalize that you’ll start exercising and eating right tomorrow.  You want to build a more profitable business, but when you’re caught up in the daily grind, it’s easy to just do what’s familiar instead of what’s required for growth.  You want to nurture your closest relationships, but when you’re busy, it’s easy to rationalize that you really need to work on that client proposal instead.

Few good things come easy, and when the going gets tough we often take the easy way out – even though the easy way takes us the wrong way.

To combat this, successful people create tangible reminders that pull them back from the brink of their weak impulses.  A friend of ours who has paid off almost $100K of debt in the past five years has a copy of his credit card balance taped to his computer monitor; it serves as a constant reminder of the debt he wants to pay off.  Another friend keeps a photo of herself when she was 90 pounds heavier on her refrigerator as a reminder of the person she never wants to be again.  And another fills his desk with family photos, both because he loves looking at them and because, when work gets really tough, these photos remind him of the people he is ultimately working for.

Think of moments when you are most likely to give in to impulses that take you farther away from your ultimate goals.  Then use tangible reminders of those goals to interrupt the impulse and keep you on track.

Afterthoughts

Now that you’re aware of the power of these five questions and their subsequent decisions, start looking for role models who are experiencing what you want out of life.  When we observe someone we want to learn from and we have a crystal clear idea of what we want to create for ourselves, it unlocks a tremendous amount of motivation.  Human beings are socially inclined, and when we get the idea that we want to join some elite circle up above us, that is what really motivates us to achieve greatness.  “Look, they did it.  I can do it too!”

And yes, you CAN do it too!

It may sound overly simplistic, but when you spend enough days asking yourself the right questions and you spend enough evenings studying people who have been where you want to go, you’ll gradually clear a pathway to create the positive change you desire in life.

Your turn…

Which of the questions above (and/or related circumstances) do you struggle with the most?  What other questions should we be asking ourselves?  Leave a comment below and share your thoughts.

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10 Proven Ways to Raise Smarter, Happier Children

POST WRITTEN BY: MARC CHERNOFF

Children have never been perfect at listening to their parents, but they have never failed to imitate them.

When you ask parents what they want for their children, what are the most common replies?  They want their children to be smart and happy, of course.

From what we’ve studied, the education and well-being of their children is more important to parents than just about anything else — health care, cost of living, public safety, and even their own well-being.  And believe it or not, most non-parents also say they’re concerned about the well-being and intellectual growth of society’s youth; this concern seems to cut cleanly across gender, ethnicity, age, income and political affiliation.

As new parents, Angel and I get it.  We feel the same way.  We’re concerned about our son’s education and happiness.  So we’ve spent quite a bit of time researching just that — how to raise a smart, happy child.  If you’re looking to do the same, I’ll save you some trouble.  Here’s what our extensive research tells us:

1.  Walk the talk — always set a great example.

It’s not what you say, it’s how you live your life every day.  Don’t tell your children how to live; LIVE and let them watch you.  Practice what you preach or don’t preach at all.  Walk the talk.  Your children look up to you and they will emulate your actions and strive to become who you are.

So BE who you want them to be.

In other words, be the change you want to see in your child.  Give what you expect, reflect what you desire, become what you respect, and mirror what you admire.  Every single day.

Your children are the greatest gift life will give you, and their souls the heaviest responsibility it will place in your hands.  Take time with them, and teach them to have faith in themselves by being a person they can have faith in — a person they can trust without question.  When you are old, nothing else you’ve done will have mattered as much.

2.  Reduce YOUR stress, and thus the stress level in the household.

Not easy, I know, but believe it or not what children want from their parents more than anything else is for them to be happier and less stressed.

In a survey of a thousand families discussed in the book The Secrets of Happy Families, a researcher asked children, “If you were granted one wish about your parents, what would it be?”  Most parents predicted their children would say something about spending more time with them.  But they were wrong.  The children’s number one wish was that their parents were less tired and less stressed.  They wanted their parent’s household to be a less stressful place to live.

The book goes on to discuss various studies proving that parental stress weakens children’s brains, depletes their immune systems, and increases their risk of other unhealthy mental and physical ailments.

3.  Believe in your children.

The greatest compliment you can give to a child is to believe in them and let them know you care.  When you see something true, good and beautiful in them, don’t hesitate to express your admiration.  When you see something that is not true, good and beautiful in them, don’t neglect to give them your wholehearted assistance and guidance.

The simple act of believing that your child is capable and worthy makes a big difference.  It gives them confidence and makes them feel qualified to do great things.

In The Heart of Social Psychology, a research study is discussed where elementary school teachers were told that they had certain students in their class who were academically above average.  These students were in fact selected at random (they were not necessarily above average in any way).  Absolutely nothing else was done by the researchers to select these children.  Yet by the end of the school year, 30 percent of the children arbitrarily named as “above average” had gained an average of 22 IQ points, and almost all had gained at least 10 IQ points.

In other words, when the teachers were told certain children were “better,” those kids did better in school.  When someone you respect believes in you, it helps you be the best you can be.  Give your children this opportunity.

4.  Praise your children for their effort, not their intelligence.

Based on the point above, this might sound a bit counterintuitive, but when you praise a child’s efforts you are bringing attention to something they can easily control — the amount of effort they put in.  This is immensely important because it teaches them to persist, and that personal growth through hard work is possible.  They come to see themselves as “in control” of their success in life.

Emphasizing God-given intelligence takes progress out of your child’s control, and it provides no good recipe for responding to a failure.  In turn, your child may begin to think that innate intelligence is always going to be a missing ingredient for them, and disregard the importance of their effort to learn and grow.

With that said, a word to the wise: Don’t over-praise your children for no reason.  Make sure your gestures of praise are warranted.  Because if every single move your child makes is based only on rewards like constant praise, when the praise stops, the effort stops too.  And that’s not good because it means they won’t be able to perform well when you’re not around.

The best thing to do?  Again, praise purposefully when it’s truly warranted.  And when your child gets stuck, give them a chance to learn that frustrating issues can be worked through.

5.  Don’t read TO your children, read WITH them.

Got a youngster who’s learning to read?  Don’t let them just stare at the pictures in a book while you do all the work by reading every word to them.  Instead, call attention to the words.  Point to them.  Point to the pictures that illustrate them.

Read WITH them, not to them.

Research shows this tactic helps build a child’s reading comprehension.  When shared book reading is enriched with explicit attention to the development of a child’s reading skills, it truly becomes an effective vehicle for promoting early literacy.  Perhaps even more importantly than that, it makes learning more fun.  And as you know, fun times are happy times in a child’s mind.

6.  Eat dinner together as a family.

Eating dinner together makes a difference.  According to The Secrets of Happy Families, children who have dinner with their families do better across pretty much every conceivable metric.  “A recent wave of research shows that children who eat dinner with their families are less likely to drink, smoke, do drugs, get pregnant, become depressed, and develop eating disorders.”

Additional research also suggests that children who enjoy family meals have larger vocabularies, better manners, healthier diets, and higher self-esteem in the long run.  The most comprehensive survey done on this topic, a University of Michigan report that examined how American children spent their time between 1981 and 1997, discovered that “the amount of time children spent eating meals at home was the single biggest predictor of better academic achievement and fewer behavioral problems.  Mealtime was more influential than time spent in school, studying, attending religious services, or playing sports.”

Even if eating dinner together every night isn’t possible, you should make it a point to eat together as a family at least once a week.

7.  Create logical, reasonable rules and boundaries for your children.

Children don’t do well in a free-for-all environment.  It’s a myth that being too strict guarantees rebellion and being permissive drives better behavior.  From the research we’ve done, it’s clear that children who go crazy and get in trouble mostly have parents who don’t set reasonable rules and boundaries.  If their parents are loving and accepting no matter what they do — even when they are unruly — children take their parent’s lack of rules as a sign that they don’t really care about them — that they don’t really want the job of being parents in the first place.

On the flip side, parents who are consistent in enforcing rules and boundaries are often the same parents who become the closest with their children.  According to a Penn State study by Dr. Nancy Darling and Dr. Linda Caldwell, parents that set logical rules pertaining to key principles of influence, and explain why the rules are there, engage more closely with the children and ultimately have a happier, healthier relationship with them.

Of course, this doesn’t mean you should over-do the rules, or make rules just for the sake of making rules.  Parents that are too controlling raise children that are stifled and bored.  And stifled, bored kids are likely to rebel.

Again, via Dr. Linda Caldwell, “Even busy kids get bored, for two common reasons.  First, they are doing lots of activities only because their parents signed them up — there’s no intrinsic motivation.  Second, they’re so accustomed to their parents filling their free time that they don’t know how to productively fill it on their own.”  And thus, they often turn to mischief or even substance abuse when their parents back off or aren’t around.

8.  Give your children an opportunity to make healthy peer relationships.

The peer group your children associate with has an enormous effect on their long-term happiness and educational aspirations.  As parents, we sometimes only talk to our children about peer pressure when it’s negative, but more often than not, it’s positive.  Living in a nice child-friendly neighborhood, going to highly rated schools, and making sure your children associate with the right peers can make a world of difference.

In his book, The Happiness Advantage, Shawn Achor shows that the easiest way for a college kid to improve their grade point average and self-confidence in class is to simply pick a smart, supportive roommate.  He found that “when students with low grade-point averages simply began rooming with higher-scoring students, their grade-point averages increased.”  These students, according to the researchers, “appeared to infect each other with good and bad habits — such that a roommate with a high grade-point average would drag upward the grade point average of his lower-scoring roommate.”

Bottom line:  As a human being, you are the average of the people you spend the most time with.  And that’s why it’s not always where you are in life, but who you have by your side that matters most.  The same is true for your children.

9.  Make sure your children get enough sleep every night.

A tired mind is rarely constructive or content.  And it’s even worse for children than it is for adults.  According to the insightful book, NurtureShock: New Thinking About Children, missing an hour of sleep turns a sixth grader’s brain into that of a fourth grader.  Even a loss of one hour of sleep is equivalent to the loss of two years of cognitive development to the typical child.

There’s also a direct correlation between good grades and the average amount of sleep a child gets.  Teens who received A’s average about fifteen more minutes of sleep than B students, who in turn average fifteen more minutes than C’s, and so on.  The data from NurtureShock was almost an exact replication of results from an earlier study of over 3,000 high schoolers that’s referenced in the book.  Certainly, these are averages, but the consistency of the two studies stands out.  For children, every fifteen minutes of sleep counts.

10.  Help your children maintain a gratitude journal.

Again, via the NurtureShock: “In one celebrated example, Dr. Robert Emmons, of the University of California at Davis, asked teenage students to keep a gratitude journal — over ten weeks, the young undergrads listed five things that had happened in the last week which they were thankful for.  The results were surprisingly powerful — the students who kept the gratitude journal were 25% happier, were more optimistic about the future, and got sick less often during the controlled trial.  They even got more exercise.”

Bottom line:  Children who keep a gratitude journal are happier, more optimistic, and healthier.  As soon as your child is old enough, help them start one.

Afterthoughts

Angel and I have learned a lot from the research we’ve done, but one thing really stands out to me.  It’s clear that truly happy, well-nurtured children become successful people almost automatically.  In other words, healthy parenting creates happier children that are more likely to turn into successful, accomplished adults in the long run.

Also, happiness by itself, for all of us, is a tremendous advantage in a society that emphasizes high performance.  On average, happy people are more successful than their unhappy counterparts in all walks of life.  Because they feel better, they put in higher levels of effort and get better performance reviews, have more prestigious careers, earn higher salaries, and they’re also more likely to maintain happier, healthier relationships.

The floor is yours…

What would you add to the list?  What else can parents do to raise smart, happy children?  What has personal experience taught you?  Please leave a comment below and share your thoughts and insights.

Photo by: Irfan Cheema

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7 Ways to Change Your Attitude When You Can’t Change Anything Else

POST WRITTEN BY: MARC CHERNOFF

Attitude is a little thing that makes a big difference.

Sometimes changing your circumstances isn’t possible – or simply not possible soon enough.  You can’t get to a new job in an instant.  You can’t make someone else change against his or her will.  And you certainly can’t erase the past.  So what options do you have left?

Change your perception, belief or opinion about your circumstances.  Doing so will help you change your attitude and ultimately allow you to grow beyond the struggles you can’t control.

The Greek philosopher Epictetus said it perfectly more than 2,000 years ago: “People are disturbed, not by things (that happen to them), but by the principles and opinions which they form concerning (those) things.  When we are hindered, or disturbed, or grieved, let us never attribute it to others, but to ourselves; that is, to our own principles and opinions.”

Modern behavioral science agrees too.  American psychologist Albert Ellis, famous for developing rational emotive behavior therapy (REBT), has proven that how people react to events is determined predominantly by their view of the events, not the events themselves.

Have no clue how to change your perception of things – and improve your attitude?  Here are seven easy ways to start:

1. Still your mind. – In order to gain conscious control of what goes on in your mind, you need to develop a keen awareness for this process.  What helps is to hold still for a moment, take a deep breath and free your mind of all the chatter that’s going on inside and all around.  This makes room for a change of state, for something new to enter.  So give yourself a break.  Don’t say you can’t.  Yes, you have battles out in the world to fight, insecurities to overcome, loved ones to contend with and goals to achieve, but a break from it all is necessary.  It’s perfectly healthy to pause and let the world spin without you for a while.  If you don’t, you will burn yourself out.  You must refill your bucket on a regular basis.  That means catching your breath, finding quiet solitude, focusing your attention inward, and otherwise making time for recovery from the chaos of your routine.
2. Change your focus. – From the awareness of your thoughts and emotions you become able to consciously redirect your focus.  It’s time to take it willingly away from something that drags you down, and zero it in on something that inspires you.  Focus on the next logical, meaningful step.  There are no hopeless situations; there are only people who have grown hopeless about them.  So keep your hope alive through positive awareness.  Don’t let the pain make you desperate.  Don’t let the negativity wear off on you.  Don’t let the bitterness steal your sweetness.  Spend your energy moving forward.  Change your thoughts and you change your reality.  Our thoughts are the makers of our moods, the inventors of our dreams, and the creators of our will.  That’s why we must sort through them carefully, and choose to respond only to those that will help us build the life we want, and the outlook we want to hold as we’re living it.  (ReadThe Power of Intention.)
3. Surrender your worries and embrace acceptance. – Realize that, somewhere within us all, there does exist a supreme self who is eternally at peace.  Because inner peace does not depend on external conditions; it’s what remains when you’ve surrendered your ego and worries.  Peace can be found within you at any place and at any time.  It’s always there, patiently waiting for you to turn your attention toward it.  Peace of mind arrives the moment you come to peace with what’s on your mind.  It happens when you let go of the need to be anywhere but where you are, physically and emotionally.  This acceptance of the way things are creates the foundation for inner harmony.  The need for something to be different in this moment is nothing more than a worry, and worries simply lead you in circles.  Remember, the same part of you that longs for peace is the part of you that experiences peace.  It is not complicated to achieve and is as close as your next thought.
4. Practice gratitude.  – What you must realize is that you don’t really need more; you just need to appreciate what you have.  It’s a beautiful and bittersweet way of thinking all at once.  If you don’t have what you want now, you don’t have what you want, but you still have enough.  Be thankful for what is, and also be thankful for what has not yet come to you.  For that means there are still many possibilities available.  Find peace in the thought that you can’t ever have it all or know it all either.  You are always just a fraction of the whole.  For if you weren’t, there would be nothing more to experience.  Value what you know, and also value the countless things you don’t yet understand.  For in what you don’t understand, there is the joy of growth.  Life will always be incomplete and a bit asymmetrical.  Realize this and embrace it.  Be happy and sad at the same time, be hungry and thankful at the same time, be nervous and excited at the same time, and be OK with it.  (Read Buddha’s Brain.)
5. Reframe your struggles as growing pains. – Remind yourself that there’s scarcely any happiness, passion or success without struggle.  If the road is easy, you’re likely going the wrong way.  Everything that happens helps you grow, even if it’s hard to see right now.  Circumstances will direct you, correct you, and perfect you over time.  Sometimes these circumstances knock you down, hard.  There will be times when it seems like everything that could possibly go wrong is going wrong.  And you might feel like you will be stuck in this rut forever, but you won’t.  When you feel like quitting, remember that sometimes things have to go very wrong before they can be right.  Sometimes you have to go through the worst, to arrive at your best.  Because our most significant opportunities are often found in times of great difficulty.  Thus, you will face your greatest opposition when you are closest to your biggest miracle.
6. Look for the beginning in every ending. – Everything in life has to come to an end sometime.  It’s important to acknowledge and accept the end of an era – to walk away sensibly when something has reached its conclusion.  Closing the door, turning the page, moving on, etc.  It doesn’t matter what you call it; what matters is that you leave the past where it belongs so you can enjoy the life that’s still available to be lived.  This ending is not THE END, it’s just your life beginning again in a new way.  It’s a point in your story where one chapter fades into the next.  Take a look at the first page of this new chapter; it’s a beautiful one. 
7. When all else fails, use your body. – The mind reflects your body by responding to its levels of tension, rate of breath, speed of movement and mental focus.  Likewise your body mirrors your thoughts, feelings, mood, and responds to your state of mind, the questions you ask and the words you speak.  So if the mind and body are intrinsically connected – meaning that one has a direct affect on the other – it becomes clear that if we directly and consciously take control of one, it will influence and transform the other.  So by mindfully adjusting how you use your body you can directly influence your state of mind, and dramatically transform your attitude.  Just imagine you’re sitting there in a bad mood, shoulders hanging forward, shallow breathing and frowning.  Go ahead and do this right now to experience how it influences your state of mind.  And then do the opposite: stand up straight and put a big smile on your face.  Take some deep, strong breaths and stretch your arms into the air.  Notice how you feel better?  Bottom line: Take the vehicle your creator has given you and use it!  Your body is the best tool for changing your attitude in an instant.

Afterthoughts

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, the mind is your battleground.  It’s the place where the greatest conflict resides.  It’s where half of the things you thought were going to happen, never did happen.  But if you allow those thoughts to dwell in your mind, they will succeed in robbing you of peace, joy, and ultimately your life.  You will think yourself into a nervous breakdown, into depression, and into defeat.  I know because I’ve been there.

Truthfully, there is so much about your fate that you can’t control, it makes no sense to neglect all the things you CAN control.  You can decide how you spend your time, whom you socialize with, whom you share your life, money and energy with.  You can pick your words and the tone of voice in which you speak to others.  You can select what you will eat, read and study every day.  You can choose how you’re going to respond to unfortunate situations when they arise, and whether you will see them as curses or opportunities for growth…

And most importantly, you can choose your attitude, which dictates pretty much everything else.

Your turn…

How about you?  What helps you change your attitude from negative to positive when life gets stressful and painful?  Leave a comment below and share your thoughts and insights.

Photo by: Kren

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20 Habits Happy Couples Have (But Never Talk About)

POST WRITTEN BY: ANGEL CHERNOFF

Nothing in this world is more difficult than love.

And nothing is more worth it.

A happy couple is not a ‘perfect couple’ that comes together, but an imperfect couple that learns to enjoy each other’s differences, and works together every day to create something special.  In other words, a great relationship isn’t luck and doesn’t just happen – it requires effort and care to endure and evolve in ways that keep both partners fulfilled.

Over the past decade, between the two of us, Marc and I have read hundreds of books on relationships, coached thousands of couples who were struggling to find happiness in their relationships, and interacted with over 100,000 subscribers who continue to ask us questions and tell us stories on a daily basis about their relationships.

All of this has given us keen insight into the specific behaviors that make two human beings happy as a couple.  We’ve literally watched couples go from “ready to break up” to being “on cloud nine” in a matter of weeks, simply by making subtle, effective changes to their daily habits.

Not surprisingly though, once these couples get it figured out, their newfound relationship habits become second nature to them, and thus, they never talk about them.  Bystanders may witness their public displays of affection and contentment, but remain clueless as to the source of their happiness.  So that’s precisely what I want to discuss today – the habits happy couples have, but never talk about.

1. They practice self-care as individuals. – Relationships don’t create joy, they reflect it.  Joy comes from within.  Relationships are simply mirrors of the combined joy that two people have as individuals.  What you see in the mirror is what you see in your relationships.  Your disappointments in your partner often reflect your disappointments in yourself.  Your acceptance of your partner often reflects your acceptance of yourself.  Thus, the first step to having a healthy relationship with someone else is to have a healthy relationship with yourself.
2. They stand together and refuse to let outsiders call the shots. – Relationships don’t always make sense, especially from the outside.  So don’t let outsiders run your relationship for you.  If you’re having an issue with your partner, work it out with THEM and no one else.  You have to live your own lives your own way… that’s all there is to it.  Each of us has a unique fire in our heart for that one special person.  It’s our duty, and ours alone, to decide if a relationship is right for us.  If you and your partner both agree that it is right, IT IS, and it’s worth working on, together.
3. They respect their relationship as being a unique, incomparable bond. – Don’t compare your relationship to anyone else’s – not your parent’s, friend’s, coworker’s, or that random couple whose relationship seems perfect.  Every couple makes their own love rules, love agreements, and love habits.  Just focus on what you two share, and make your unique bond the best it can be.  And keep in mind that all relationships have their ups and downs – they do not ride at a continuous blissful high.  Working together through the hard times will make your relationship stronger in the end.
4. They are intimate about everything. – Sex is not love.  Especially in the beginning of a relationship, attraction and pleasure in sex are often mistaken for love.  Sex is good, sex is great, but it’s the easy part.  Intimacy is what makes relationships last.  It requires honest communication and openness about concerns, fears and sadness, as well as hopes, dreams and happiness.
5. They accept each other, without trying to change each other. – The deepest craving of human nature is the need to be appreciated as is.  Sometimes we try to be sculptors, constantly carving out of our significant others the image of what we want them to be – what we think we need, love, or desire.  But these actions and perceptions are against reality, against their benefit and ours, and always end in disappointment, because it does not fit them.  The foundation of love is to let those we care about be unapologetically themselves, and to not distort them to fit our own egotistical ideas of who they should be.  Otherwise we fall in love only with our own fantasies, and thus miss out entirely on their true beauty.  So save your relationship from needless stress.  Instead of trying to change your partner, give them your support and grow together.  (Read The Mastery of Love.)
6. They make uninterrupted time for each other. – If you neglect your relationship, your relationship will neglect you too.  With busy schedules we often forget to relax and enjoy the great company we have.  In relationships distance is not measured in miles, but in affection.  Two people can be right next to each other and yet miles apart.  So don’t ignore the one you love, because lack of concern often hurts more than angry words.
7. They say what they mean and mean what they say to each other. – Your partner is not a mind reader.  Share your thoughts.  Give them the information they need rather than expecting them to know the unknowable.  The more that remains unspoken, the greater the risk for problems.  Start communicating clearly.  Don’t try to read their mind, and don’t make them try to read yours.  Most problems, big and small, within a relationship, start with bad communication.
8. They listen intently before replying. – Don’t listen so you can reply, listen to understand.  Open your ears and mind to your partner’s concerns and opinions without judgment.  Look at things from your partner’s perspective as well as your own.
9. They don’t play games with each other’s heads and hearts. – Cheating and lying aren’t struggles, they’re reasons couples break up.  Because great things fall apart quite easily when they’ve been held together with lies.  The truth is, relationships don’t hurt; lying, cheating and twisting reality until it plays with someone’s emotions is what hurts.  Promises mean everything, but after they’re broken, sorry means nothing (at least initially).  So never mess with your partner’s feelings just because you’re unsure of your own.  If you are unsure in any way, be sure to say so.  Always be open and honest.  And remember that when the truth is replaced by silence, silence becomes a lie too. 
10. They practice the golden rule in their relationship. – In a healthy relationship, you get what you put in.  You get nothing less and nothing more.  There is no room for selfishness.  If you want love, give love.  If you want to see a smile, give a smile.  Don’t be concerned with who’s right; be concerned with loving and being loved, caring and being cared for.
11. They cheer for each other. – Having an appreciation for how amazing your partner is leads to good places – productive, fulfilling, peaceful places.  So be happy for them when they’re making progress.  Cheer for their victories.  Celebrate their accomplishments, and encourage their goals and ambitions.  Challenge them to be the best they can be.  And be thankful for their blessings, openly.
12. They review and discuss their goals and dreams often. – For couples, it’s two against the world.  Having regular discussions with each other about goals, dreams, passions and the future, in a way that’s positive and inspiring, will not only bring you closer together, but will also bring your collective desires closer to reality.
13. They negotiate and compromise on joint matters. – Since people’s needs are fluid and change over time, and life itself demands change too, the inner workings of good relationships are negotiated and re-negotiated all the time.  And oftentimes a two-way compromise is the best solution.
14. They refuse to play the blame game. – Blaming accomplishes nothing.  Take responsibility for your actions.  Take responsibility for your relationship – the good times and the bad.  Work with your partner.  Communicate.  Blaming them is a copout that accomplishes nothing.  Either you both take equal ownership of the problems you two encounter, or the problems will own both of you.
15. They don’t blow things out of proportion. – People make mistakes.  Crap happens.  There’s no reason to shatter your relationship into pieces over spilt milk.  One way to check if something is worth mulling over is to ask yourself this question: “Will this matter in one year’s time?”  If not, then let it go immediately.
16. They tame their anger the minute they feel heated. – Heated arguments are a waste.  Your partner doesn’t have to be wrong for you to be right.  There are many roads to what’s right.  And most of the time it just doesn’t matter that much.  When you feel anger surging up and you want to yell that vulgar remark on the tip of your tongue, just close your mouth and walk away.   Don’t let your anger get the best of you.  Give yourself some time to calm down and then gently discuss the situation.
17. They apologize to each other immediately. – Making up after an argument is central to every happy relationship.  A simple, honest “I’m sorry” is usually the most important step.  We all make mistakes, but our willingness to admit it doesn’t always come naturally.  So remember, it doesn’t really matter who’s right – it’s what’s right that matters.  If your relationship is important to you, an apology is always right.
18. They practice patience and forgiveness daily. – Apologies must be backed by sincere patience and forgiveness.  Because no matter how honest and kind you try to be, you will occasionally step on your partner’s toes.  And this is precisely why patience and forgiveness are so vital to relationships.  Patience is simply the ability to let your light shine on the one you love, even after your fuse has blown.  And forgiveness is knowing deep down that they didn’t mean to blow your fuse in the first place.
19. They make daily sacrifices for each other. – Intimate bonds are tied with true love, and true love involves attention, awareness, discipline, effort, and being able to care about someone and sacrifice for them, continuously, in countless petty little unsexy ways, every day.  You put your arms around them and love them regardless, even when they’re not very lovable.  And of course they do the same for you.  If you want to know what a healthy relationship is, it’s one where two people wake up every morning and say, “This is worth it.  You all are worth it.  I am happy you are in my life.”  It’s about sacrifice.  It’s about knowing that some days you will have to do things you dislike to make the one you love smile, and feeling perfectly delighted to do so.  (Read The Love Dare.)
20. They respect each other’s humanness. – Even the happiest couples on Earth are still just two humans.  And all humans are imperfect.  At times, the confident lose confidence, the patient misplace their patience, the generous act selfish, and the knowledgeable second guess what they know.  It happens to the best of us.  We make mistakes, we lose our tempers, and we get caught off guard.  We stumble, we slip, and we spin out of control sometimes.  But that’s the worst of it; we all have our moments.  Most of the time we’re remarkable.  So stand beside the one you love through their trying times of imperfection.  If you aren’t willing to, you really don’t deserve to be around for their perfect moments either.

Afterthoughts

By compiling this list I’m not suggesting that these are the only keys to being a happy couple, I’m simply shedding light on some common habits that can make all the difference in the world.  A great deal of happiness in our relationships is due to intentional activity.  Therefore, it’s possible for us to significantly improve our love life simply by altering what we choose to do every day.  And much of what we do, both as couples and as individuals, we do on autopilot based on our habits.

Bottom line: Happy couples love each other.  And loving someone isn’t just about saying it every day – it’s about showing it every day in every way.

Your turn…

What else would you add to the list?  Are there any specific habits or actions that have made you and your partner happier as a couple?  Leave a comment below and let us know what’s been working for you.

Photo by: Jose Mediavilla

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7 Things You Should Insist On No Matter What People Say

POST WRITTEN BY: MARC CHERNOFF

Do more than just exist.  We all exist.  The question is: Do you live?

About 15 years ago, I had an intervention with myself.  I sat down at the local library on a Saturday morning and read through hundreds of archived entries in my journal.  Specifically, I was looking for all the unfulfilled goals and visions for the future that I had jotted down over the years.  And it didn’t take long before I realized that the entire course my life had taken up to that point had been the product of other people’s opinions and decisions.  Every day I was just going through the motions, and doing what I was “supposed” to do, instead of what was right for ME.

Fast forward to today, and as I awoke this morning, I marveled at my life.  Where once I woke with dread at the thought of a new day, now I wake with excitement to begin – grateful to be doing what I’m doing with my life.  I’m so happy I did what I had to do, and struggled through the tough times and fears, and realigned my life with the activities and ideals that make me feel alive.

I tell you this because I know life can get pretty crazy at times.  Sometimes it gets so busy that we forget how important it is to actually listen to ourselves, instead of others.  But I’m happy to tell you that things can change if you want them to, at any age.

Just as I’ve turned things around for myself, I know hundreds of other people who have done the same.  Through a decade of life, relationship, and small business coaching, I’ve witnessed people reinventing themselves at all ages – 48-year olds starting families, 57-year-olds graduating from college for the first time, 71-year-olds starting successful businesses, and so forth.

How did we do it?  We insisted upon making changes, and we followed through.

Above all, what you need to remember is happiness is dependent upon ourselves, and there are some things in life you have to insist on doing, no matter what others say about it.  For instance, you have to…

1. Insist on making your life your own. – Most of us are not raised to actively seek our calling.  We may not even know that we have one.  As kids, we are seldom told we have a place in life that is uniquely ours alone.  Instead, we are encouraged to believe that our life should somehow fulfill the expectations of others – that we should find our happiness exactly as they have found theirs.  Rather than being taught to ask ourselves who we are, we are trained to ask others for permission.  We are, in effect, schooled to live other people’s versions of our lives.  Every day is designed and developed as told to us by someone else!  And then one day when we break free to survey our dreams, seeking to fulfill ourselves, we see that most of our dreams have gone unfulfilled because we believed, and those around us believed, that what we wanted for ourselves was somehow beyond our reach.  It’s time to unlearn these lies and make changes.  It takes courage to grow wiser and become who you really are.  And today is the first day of the rest of your life.
2. Insist on subtracting what doesn’t belong in your life. – There’s so much you can let go of in life without losing a thing.  It’s called growth.  Letting go of the old makes way for the new.   Letting go of what isn’t working makes way for what will.  When the pain of holding on is worse than the pain of letting go, it’s time to let go and grow.  In other words, start subtracting… the habits, routines and circumstances that are holding you back.  You cannot discover new oceans unless you build up enough courage to lose sight of the old, familiar shoreline.  Be brave.  Follow your values.  Make changes.  Dare to be different.  And don’t be afraid to like it. (Read A New Earth.)
3. Insist on making passion a priority. – Purpose is the reason you journey.  Passion is the fire that lights your way.  Without passion, it’s impossible to progress.  The heart of human excellence begins to beat when you discover a pursuit that absorbs you, frees you, challenges you, and gives you a sense of meaning.   Some resist this fact and think passion is just fluff.  Well that’s nonsense!  Honestly, the saddest people I’ve ever met in life are the ones who don’t have a deep passion about anything at all.  Passion and satisfaction go hand in hand, and without them, any happiness is only temporary, because there’s nothing meaningful behind it to make it last.  So remember, if you cannot put your heart in it, take yourself out of it.  Only passions – great passions – can elevate the soul to great heights.  If there was ever a moment to follow your heart and do something that matters to you, that moment is now.
4. Insist on working hard for what you want most. – Sometimes you’ve got to create what you want to be a part of from the ground up – you’ve got to work harder than ever before to get more than you ever dreamed of.  Be a dreamer.  Be a doer.  Know what is truly important to you and why.  Then act on it with all your might.  Dreams don’t just magically become realities; it takes a lot of determination, sweat, and hard work.  And remember, tough circumstances don’t last; tough people do.  Most obstacles melt away when we make up our minds to march boldly through them.  If you have a strong commitment to your goals and dreams, and wake up every morning with a burning passion to work toward them, anything is possible.  So dare to live the life you have dreamed for yourself.  Go forward and make your dreams a working reality.  (Read The War of Art.)
5. Insist on saying what you need to say. – Dr. Seuss once said, “Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter, and those who matter don’t mind.”  There’s a lot of truth in that statement.  Be cordial and reasonable, of course, but don’t tread carefully on every word you say.  Push your concerns of what others might think aside and say what you need to say.  Let the consequences of doing so unravel naturally.  What you’ll find is that most of the time no one will be offended or irritated at all.  And if they do get upset, it’s likely only because you’ve brought something important to their attention that forces them to think differently.  Bottom line: When you don’t speak up, there’s a lot of important stuff that never gets said.  And in the end, there’s no greater sadness than holding on to the words you never had the courage to speak.
6. Insist on leaving other people’s judgmental opinions alone. – When I first started writing on this blog, I’d agonize over whether people would think what I was writing was good enough.  I desperately hoped they’d like it, and oftentimes I’d catch myself imagining they didn’t.  Then one day I realized how much energy I was wasting worrying about it.  So I’ve gradually learned to relax with simply not knowing.  Some problems in life, such as not knowing what others think of you, are not really meant to be resolved.  How people perceive you may have more to do with them than you anyway.  They may even like or dislike you simply because you’ve triggered an association in their minds by reminding them of someone they liked or disliked from their past, which has absolutely nothing to do with you.  So here’s a new mantra for you – say it, and then say it again: “This is my life, my choices, my mistakes and my lessons.  As long as I’m not hurting people, I need not worry what they think of me.” 
7. Insist on being as weird as you are. – It’s human nature to attempt to mimic other humans we look up to – perhaps a parental figure or a celebrity – especially when we are feeling insecure in our own skin.  But attempting to be someone else will always leave us feeling empty inside.  Why?  Because what we appreciate about the people we admire is their individuality – the qualities that make them unique.  To really copy them, we need to develop our own individuality, and in that way, we would actually be less like them and more like our true selves.  We all have quirks and a weirdness about us.  The more relaxed you become with your own differences, the more comfortable you will start to feel just being YOU.  Celebrate being different, off the beaten path, a little on the weird side… your own special creation.  If you find yourself feeling like a fish out of water, by all means find a new river to swim in.  But DO NOT change who you are; BE who you are.

Your turn…

How has the desire to “fit in” interfered with your life?  What has it stopped you from doing or being?  What do you need to start insisting on in your life?  Leave a comment below and share your insights with us.

Photo by: Elena>
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