Thursday 26 June 2014

25 Things People in Healthy Relationships Don’t Do

post written by: Marc Chernoff

25 Things People in Healthy Relationships Don’t Do
Healthy relationships don’t just happen; they take time, patience and two people who truly want to work together to create something meaningful.
What does it take to create and nurture a healthy relationship?  That’s a question Angel and I get asked by readers and coaching clients on a daily basis.  After a decade of coaching individuals and couples and researching how people build healthy, lasting relationships, we have learned a lot about what it takes.
Whether you’re working to improve your marriage, a dating relationship, or a friendship, there are lots of little things you can do to keep your relationship on track. Today I want to take a look at the flipside – what people in healthy relationships don’t do:
  1. They don’t rush the present state of their relationships to get to better times ahead. – The thing about obsessing about a happy ending is that you forget to enjoy the journey along the way.  Right now is life… don’t miss it!  You need to enjoy the company you care to keep, today, while you’re still guaranteed a chance to do so.
  2. They don’t expect their relationships to solve all their problems. – While a healthy relationship can certainly bring joy, it’s not anyone else’s job to fill in your empty inner space.  That’s your job and yours alone; and until you accept responsibility for your emptiness, pain, or boredom, problems will inevitably ensue and persist in the relationship.
  3. They don’t expect their relationships to be easy. – Long-tern relationships are amazing, but rarely easy.  Resisting the hard times and seeing them as immediate evidence that something is wrong or that you’re with the wrong person only aggravates the difficulties.  By contrast, finding the willingness to view the challenges as an opportunity to learn will give you the energy and strength you need to continue to move forward and grow your relationship to the next level.
  4. They don’t let fear overpower their love and trust. – You never lose by loving; you lose by holding back.  No relationship is impossible until you refuse to give it a chance.  Love means giving someone the chance to hurt you, but trusting them not to.  Without this trust, a relationship cannot survive.  You cannot just believe what you fear from others; you have to believe in the good faith of others.  If you are ever going to have someone trust you, you must feel that you can trust them too.  (Read The Mastery of Love.)
  5. They don’t keep secrets. – Trust is the foundation of a relationship, and when trust is broken it takes time and willingness on the part of both people involved to repair it and heal.  All too often, I’ll hear a coaching client say something like, “I didn’t tell her but I didn’t lie about it, either.”  This statement is a contradiction, as omissions are lies.  If you’re covering up your tracks in any way, it’s only a matter of time before the truth is revealed and trust in the relationship is broken.  Speak the truth, no matter what the consequences.  Being honest is the only way to be at peace with yourself and others.
  6. They don’t fake their feelings. – Do not contrive to be a loving person: work to be a real person instead.  Being real is being loving.
  7. They don’t hide who they are. – There’s nothing better for your happiness and your relationships than for you to be at your best, showing everyone in every way who you are and what you stand for.
  8. They don’t look to others for validation of their identity. – Never wait around for someone else to give you permission to be yourself.  You don’t need anyone’s validation to be happy or to live a good life.  That’s a state of mind only you can create, and then bring in to the relationship with you.
  9. They don’t hold hateful grudges. – It’s a good time, right now, for letting go.  Let’s not drag angst into tomorrow.  Let’s regroup, make amends where we can, and move on.  Make peace with people as much as you are able.  Even if forgiveness doesn’t equal reconciliation, lay down the sword and let it be.  Life is too short.
  10. They don’t focus on the unchangeable past. – Sometimes happiness in relationships amounts to making peace with something that can’t be fixed.  Sometimes you let it go, and sometimes you hold it broken.  It amounts to forgiveness in any case.
  11. They don’t expect their loved ones to always be strong. – Sometimes people let us down because they can’t hold us up.  “I can’t carry you” doesn’t mean, “I don’t love you.”  It may simply mean, “I’m struggling too.”
  12. They don’t focus on people’s flaws. – Do your best to maintain sincere love in your heart for others.  The more you see the good in them, the more good you will uncover in yourself.
  13. They don’t give out of obligation, or because they want to be paid back. – Do something special for someone you love, and for a stranger today.  Do it because you can and because it makes the world a happier place.  Always give more than you take.  When you shift your attitude from “how can I gain” to “how can I give,” you’ll be amazed at the gifts you receive.  Truth be told, the most successful people in the most successful relationships are looking for ways to help others.  The most unsuccessful people are still asking, “What’s in it for me?”
  14. They don’t take their relationships for granted. – An incredible thing happens when you pay close attention.  It’s by participating more in your relationships that you breathe life into them.  So make time for those you care about.  With our busy schedules we often forget to relax and enjoy the great company we have.  In human relationships distance is not measured in miles, but in affection.  Two people can be right next to each other, yet miles apart.  So don’t ignore someone you care about, because lack of concern hurts more than angry words.
  15. They don’t just show up when times are good. – Be there through the good, bad, happy, and sad times… no matter what.  Be willing to provide a listening ear, a hug, and emotional support in all circumstances.  In a healthy relationship, both people can trust that they can count on each other, and are willing to be available not only when it’s convenient, but when they need each other the most.
  16. They don’t try to constantly “fix” the people they care about. – The art of caring for another is rooted in love and respect.  It means listening to them wholeheartedly and letting them know by your complete presence that they are seen and valued.  It’s not a space where you try to fix the other person.  It’s about being witness to the totality of another human being.  (Read The Gifts of Imperfection.)
  17. They don’t talk when they need to listen. – It takes some courage to stand up and speak; it takes even more courage to open your mind and listen.  Pay attention and be a good listener. Your ears will never get you in trouble.  The people in your life often need a listening ear more than they need a rambling voice.  And don’t listen with the intent to reply; hear what is being said with the intent to understand.  You are as beautiful as the love you give, and you are as wise as the silence you leave behind.
  18. They don’t take everything personally. – If you take everything personally, you will remain offended for the rest of your life.  What other people do is because of them, not you.  Never permit the behavior of other people to tell you how you feel.
  19. They don’t neglect their own self-awareness. – When two people meet, the prize always goes to the one with the most self-insight.  He or she will be calmer, more confident, and more at ease with the other.
  20. They don’t say “yes” when they need to say “no.” – You can’t always be agreeable; that’s how people take advantage of you.  Sometimes you have to set clear boundaries.
  21. They don’t let people hold them back indefinitely. – Give people lots of chances, but realize that you can’t grow by hanging out with people who refuse to grow themselves.  Try to spend less time with those who are stubborn and stuck in their comfort zones.  And if someone doesn’t want to let you grow, it might be time to let them go.  Your relationships should help you in the long run, not hurt you.
  22. They don’t resist or interfere with other people’s growth. – Healthy relationships move in the direction of personal growth: for the relationship and for each individual.  A desire to impede the growth of the other for one’s comfort is an expression of fear.  Even when one is concerned that the relationship may dissolve, they accept that their paths may diverge for the benefit of both.  Mutual growth is put before personal gain.
  23. They don’t rebound and rush into replacement relationships. – If you painfully lose a valuable friend or lover, do not rush out at once for a replacement.  Such hurried action prevents you from examining your heartache and breaking free of it.
  24. They don’t look at past relationships as failures. – Although not all relationships are meant to be, there are no failed relationships, because every person in your life has a lesson to teach.  And the lessons you learn make future relationships that much stronger.
  25. They don’t let what’s behind them define them. – As long as you’re worried that you could replicate a hurtful relationship from the past, you won’t be free to create new, healthy bonds.  Regardless of what fears you have, work to release them.  Start by acknowledging that these fears are present, and then remind yourself that you’re not doomed to any particular fate.  You’re the one running your life, and you have the power to create healthy relationships.  If you find yourself veering off course, you can correct this.  If you’ve made mistakes in your past, you can learn from them.

The floor is yours…

Which of these points resonate most with you?  Which ones do you sometimes struggle with?  And what else do people in healthy relationships NOT do?  Leave a comment below and share your thoughts and insights.
Photo by: Mo Riza

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12 Common Lies Mentally Strong People Don’t Believe

post written by: Marc Chernoff

12 Lies Mentally Strong People Don’t Believe
“In the depth of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer.”
―Albert Camus
We live in turbulent times.  There are fewer guarantees and more uncertainties these days.  Thankfully this also means there are lots of opportunities to be had.  And if you and I are to overcome the obstacles in our way and seize the opportunities, we’re going to need strong minds.
Mental strength means you understand how to manage your emotions, adjust your thinking, and choose to take positive action, despite your circumstances.  It’s knowing deep down that every little struggle is progress.  And if you really want it, you’ll do it, despite failure and rejection and the odds.  Every step forward will be tough, but will feel better than anything else you can imagine.  You will ultimately come to realize that the struggle is not found on the path, it is the path.  And it’s worth your while.
Being willing to walk this path of resistance is what mental strength is all about.  And it’s something Angel and I cover extensively here on our blog, in our book, and with our coaching clients on a daily basis.  Why?  Because 90% of our problems as rational human beings are the byproduct of learned mental weakness.  In other words, over time we’ve heard a succession of lies from other people about what we need and what we don’t need – about what we can and can’t do – about what is and isn’t possible for us – and we subconsciously believed every word.
What’s worse?  We now tell some of these lies to ourselves and we live by them every day.
Which means it’s time for us to unlearn these lies for the sake of our own mental strength:
  1. It wasn’t supposed to be like this. – We all have an idea in our heads about how things are supposed to be, and sadly this is what often messes us up the most.  Realize this.  Expect less and learn more.  Let go and let life grow you – let it test you.  You won’t always understand it and that’s OK.  Just when you think it can’t get any worse, it does.  And then just when you think it can’t get any better, it does.  Mentally strong people are appreciative of the obstacles in their path because they know the obstacles are necessary stepping-stones.  So keep going, keep growing, and someday you will be able to describe your entire life in just one sentence: “It didn’t go as planned, and that’s OK.”
  2. Disappointment and sadness are not necessary. – Having an excessive preoccupation with happiness can actually lead to an unhealthy attitude towards negative emotions and experiences.  Mentally strong people don’t try to avoid negative emotions – rather, they accept both positive and negative emotions and let these feelings coexist.  This is a key component of their resiliency.  Trying to be happy 24/7 is futile; we need to focus on being whole instead.  Disappointment, frustration, sadness and failure are part of your wholeness – all of these things help make you who we are.  Happiness, victory and fulfillment are nice things that also happen to you, but they don’t teach you and help you grow nearly as much.
  3. This situation is definitely bad. – There’s an adage in the ancient philosophy of Stoicism, “There is no good or bad, there is only perception,” which was later echoed in Shakespeare’s famous quote, “There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so.”  Truth be told, the way we perceive a situation has tremendous power to either help us or harm us.  So often, we react emotionally and project negative judgments onto a situation, when the first key to overcoming a challenge is to view things objectively.  In the long run, it usually isn’t what you have or where you are or what you’ve been through that makes or breaks you; it’s how you think about it all and what you do next.  (Read Man’s Search for Meaning.)
  4. There’s no hope. – Mentally strong people know the opposite of defeat is not courage; the opposite of defeat is hope.  And there’s always hope.  When you lose something good, don’t think of it as a loss, but as an experience that gets you back on the path you were meant to travel.  Ultimately, the measure of who you are is what you do with what you have at any given point in time.  It’s important to remember that you have enough, and you are enough, always.  Stay strong.  Think clearly.  Even when it feels like things are falling apart, they aren’t.
  5. You don’t really have any other choice. – Have you ever met a happy, successful person who regularly avoids responsibility, blames and points fingers and makes excuses for their unsatisfying lives?  Me either.  Because happy, success people are mentally strong.  They accept responsibility for how their lives unfold.  They believe their own happiness and success is a byproduct of their own thinking, beliefs, attitudes, character and behavior.
  6. Successful people follow the rules. – Break the rules.  Don’t break the law, but break the rules.  You don’t need to measure up to other people’s benchmarks.  The psychological root of most unhappiness lies in external validation, which happens when you try to measure your self-worth based on the opinions of others.  But it’s not what others think… it’s what you think about your life that counts.  You, and only you, get to decide what kind of life you want to live.  Other people’s goals and expectations don’t matter that much in the long-run.  (Read Choose Yourself!)
  7. There is always an easier way. – The path of least resistance is often the path of least reward.  You need to do hard things.  There are no shortcuts to any place worth going.  As Einstein once said, “Genius is 1% talent and 99% percent hard work.”  You must run to be a runner.  You must write to be a writer.  You must actively work on a business venture to learn how to run a successful business.  There is no substitute for doing the work.  So meditate on this every day: “I will do the work.  It won’t be easy.  It will be worth it!”
  8. Now is not the right time. – The right thing at the wrong time is the wrong thing.  And when it comes to your goals, later is always the wrong time to do the right thing.  Why?  Because time is passing.  So stop waiting for the right time; it will never come.  Make a decision and take a chance.  You have to dare to do it, because life is too short to wonder what could have been.
  9. You need more to be happy. – Mentally strong people know that gratitude is the best attitude adjustment.  The more goodness you see, the more you create, and the more good things you have to smile about.  Happiness doesn’t start when “this, that or the other thing” is resolved.  Happiness is what happens now when you appreciate what you have.
  10. You need to be perfect to be impressive. – If the face you always show the world is a mask, someday there will be nothing beneath it.  Because when you spend too much time concentrating on everyone else’s perception of you, or who everyone else wants you to be, you eventually forget who you really are.  So don’t fear the judgments of others; you know in your heart who you are and what’s true to you.  You don’t have to be perfect to impress people.  Let them be impressed by how you deal with your imperfections. 
  11. You have a great reason to hate them. – The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you and you try to understand their situation instead of trying to hurt them back.  It’s about forgiveness.  And it doesn’t mean you’re erasing the past or forgetting what happened.  It just means you’re letting go of the resentment and pain, and instead choosing to learn from the incident and move on with your life.  Remember, the less time you spend hating the people who hurt you, the more time you’ll have to love the people who love you.
  12. Loved ones should always agree with you. – Mentally strong people know that someone who loves you won’t always agree with you just to make you happy.  If anything, they will say what needs to be said, sincerely, regardless of whether or not you want to hear it.  Why is this good news?  Because close relationships grow stronger only when two people are able to share their innermost feelings and thoughts about themselves and each other.  To be fully seen by someone in raw form, and be respected anyhow, is what love is.  It’s about acceptance and truth over agreement and ruse.  And, sometimes, it’s agreeing to disagree and being OK with it.

Afterthoughts

I want to leave you with this to think about…
In 1914, the great inventor Thomas Edison experienced a devastating hardship.  His entire laboratory burned down to the ground, and years worth of his work was ruined.  Newspapers described the situation as the worst thing to happen to Edison, but that was a lie.  Edison didn’t see it that way at all.  The inventor instead chose to see his circumstances as an invigorating opportunity to rebuild and re-examine much of his current work.  Edison reportedly said shortly after the fire, “Thank goodness all our mistakes were burned up.  Now we can start again fresh.”
Now that’s what I call mental strength!

The floor is yours…

What other self-defeating lies do we often tell ourselves?  What’s one self-defeating lie you once believed was true?  Leave a comment below and share your thoughts and insights with us.
Photo by: Mark Rochefort

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Friday 20 June 2014

15 Toxic Thoughts You Need to Drop For a Better Life

post written by: Marc Chernoff
15 Things to Stop Saying to Yourself
It is ultimately only our own thoughts that hurt us.
Wait, what did you just say to yourself?
Were they the empowering, encouraging words you would speak to a friend?  Or were they the belittling remarks you would shout to an enemy if you had no heart?  Or the negative remarks about life you might utter if you had no faith?
All day long you speak silently to yourself, and a part of you believes every word.  So stay mindful, and meditate on this question:
“What do I need to stop thinking and saying to myself?”
Here are fifteen toxic thoughts to ban from your self-talk:

  • “It’s too late.” – No matter who you are, no matter what you did, no matter where you’ve come from, you can always change and become an improved version of yourself.  Peace, strength and understanding will come to you when you manage to tune out the noisy judgments of others, in an effort to better hear the soft and steady hum of your own inner strength.  And once you hear it, you will realize that it’s not too late to be what you might have been.
  • “If only I was stronger, smarter, more attractive, etc.” – The absolute worst loneliness is to not be comfortable with yourself.  It’s always better to be true to yourself, and risk incurring the ridicule of others, rather than trying to live a lie, only to incur your own self-contempt.  Remember, almost everything that happens to you is a direct reflection of what you believe about yourself.  You can’t possibly outperform your level of self-esteem.  You can’t draw from yourself more than you think you are worth.
  • “What I have to say is not that important.” – Silence makes the inner battle much harder and longer.  Speak your truth.  Let it out… before it kills you!  Honestly, this is one of the saddest things about so many people – their most important thoughts and feelings often go unspoken and barely understood.  (Read Love Yourself Like Your Life Depends On It.)
  • “The less risks I take, the less regrets I will have.” – You miss 100% of the shots you never take.  Choices, chances and changes – start making them.  You must make a choice to take a chance, or your life will never change.  In the end, more so than the mistakes we make along the way, we regret the chances we didn’t take, relationships we were afraid to have, and the decisions we waited too long to make.
  • “I need their permission.” – Do your thing.  Don’t hesitate and waste all your time with lots of explanations.  Most people only hear what they want to hear anyway.  Just because someone doesn’t understand your point of view, doesn’t mean a great explanation doesn’t exist.
  • “I’ll start tomorrow.” – Many great things can be done in a day if you don’t always make that day tomorrow.  Don’t let your fear of making a mistake stop you.  A life spent making mistakes is not only more enjoyable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing.
  • “I just want to be comfortable.” – You will never improve yourself if you cling to what used to be, simply because it’s familiar and comfortable.  Great things rarely come from comfort zones.  You have to take risks.  You will only realize the full potential of your life when you allow the unexpected to happen.
  • “Pain should be avoided at all costs.” – The most authentic thing about us is our capacity to create, to overcome, to endure, to transform, to love, and to be greater than our misfortunes.  To hurt is as human as to breathe.  There is some kind of a sweet, innocent power in our humanness – in not having to be just happy or just sad – in the nature of being able to be both broken and whole at the very same time.  (Read Daring Greatly.)
  • “It’s all their fault.” – If you sit around for too long blaming others for the things they did or didn’t do, or know or didn’t know, you’ll remain sitting in one spot until you pass.  Placing blame is easy, because it means you don’t have to do anything; you just have to sit around for your entire life.  But that’s not living; that’s dying.  To accept where you are without blame by seizing the present for what it is – for the opportunities it’s giving you every instant – that’s what injects life into your story and ultimately moves you forward.
  • “It’s OK to break a few promises here and there.” – You make commitments to others and yourself all the time.  The question is: Do you keep them?  If you said you’re going to do something, do it!  When you fail to keep a promise, it tells people (including yourself) that you don’t value their time or relationship.  Don’t over-promise; under-promise and over-deliver on everything you do.  And a few words to the wise:  Never make a big decision when you’re angry, and never make a big promise when you’re overjoyed.
  • “It’s OK to stretch the truth.” – It’s disheartening to think how many people are shocked by honesty, and how few by deceit.  Don’t be one of them.  Uphold the truth, always.  Those who are easily shocked should be shocked more often.  And you should be the one shocking them.
  • “If I ignore the dark parts of myself, they will disappear.” – You can’t change what you refuse to confront.  So confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with gradual enlightenment and forgiveness.  Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will eventually allow your angels to sing.
  • “There are far too many obstacles.” – There will be moments when troubles enter your life and you can do nothing to avoid them.  But know that they are there for a reason.  And only when you have overcome them will you understand why they were there.  Accept this and keep your head held high.  There’s no use in wallowing in negativity.  You simply can’t expect victory while planning for defeat.
  • “I have failed and lost too much to go on.” – If you have nothing, then you have everything, because you have the freedom to do anything, without the fear of losing something.  Confusing?  Not really.  Think about it.  Rock bottom is a solid foundation from which you can rebuild your life the way you always wanted it to be.
  • “I just want today to be over already.” – Don’t wish your life away.  Experience it.  Work at it.  Everything you go through grows you.  Sometimes you think doing something is a total waste of time, and then it ends up being one of the best things you ever did.  Amazing things can and do happen when you least expect them.  Let each day be a scavenger hunt in which you must find at least one of these things: a sincere laugh, an act of kindness, a realization, or a lesson that leads you closer to your dreams.

  • Afterthoughts

    Using positive self-talk isn’t easy, especially when things aren’t going your way.  But watch what you say anyway.  Don’t give in to toxic thoughts.
    Remember, the route to your destination is never a straight line.  You will take questionable turns and get lost sometimes.  But it doesn’t always matter which road you embark on; what matters is that you embark with the right mindset.  Either way life will likely get complicated sometimes, and bring unexpected hurdles and changes.  But that’s OK.  Sometimes you have to stumble and feel weak for a little while to realize how strong you really are.
    In the end, the only things standing between where you are and where you want to be is the will to keep trying and the belief that it is possible to get there.

    Your turn…

    Truth be told, you can’t live a positive life with a negative attitude.  You can’t do what’s right while you’re telling yourself the wrong things.  So let’s revisit the question I proposed in the intro:
    What do you need to stop thinking and saying to yourself?
    Leave a comment below and share your thoughts.
    Photo by: Corrie

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    Wednesday 18 June 2014

    16 Things Emotionally Strong People Don’t Do



    16 Things Emotionally Strong People Don’t Do
    You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, smarter than you think, and twice as capable as you have ever imagined.
    When you add up nearly a decade worth of online conversations with our community of readers, the live events we’ve hosted in support of our book, and thousands of one-on-one coaching sessions with clients, Marc and I have a lot of experience when it comes to helping people find and resolve the pain points that have been holding them back.  But I am still frequently surprised by the interesting ways people frame questions about their challenges.
    Last night a reader named Karla sent me an email that caught my attention, simply because the subject of her email was: “Things Emotionally Strong People Don’t Do” (An interesting title for an article, I thought.)
    Part of Karla’s email read:  “I love your book.  It has helped me get through some seriously tough times.  But even though I’ve made progress, I often struggle with emotional weakness.  I persistently resist what I know I need to do for myself.  So I was wondering, what do emotionally strong people NOT do?  The reason I ask is that I’ve spent a lot of time implementing positive habits in my life, but I haven’t really focused on removing any (parallel) bad habits.”
    There are a million ways to answer this question (especially as it relates to Karla’s unique life situation), but since emotional weakness is something all of us struggle with at times, I figured I’d take a stab at answering Karla’s question in a general sense, for all of us.
    Here are some things emotionally strong people don’t do:
    1. They don’t let negativity and drama get the best of them. – Your brain is a radio transmitter.  It broadcasts thoughts, directions and vibrations into your life – you get to choose the station it’s tuned to.  Emotionally strong people understand this and tune out negativity to make room for positivity.  Be wise enough to follow in their footsteps.  Walk away from the nonsense around you.  Focus on the positives, and soon the negatives will be harder to see.
    2. They don’t waste time feeling sorry for themselves. – Emotionally strong people don’t sit around feeling sorry about their circumstances or how others have treated them.  Instead, they take responsibility for their role in life, work on changing what can be changed, and keep in mind that life isn’t always easy or fair.  In the end, happiness is not the absence of problems, but simply the ability to deal well with them.  So look at what you have, instead of what you have lost.  Because it’s not what the world takes away from you that counts; it’s what you do with what you have left.
    3. They don’t think they need more to be happy. – Emotionally strong people know that happiness is a mindset of appreciation.  In other words, happiness doesn’t start when “this, that or the other thing” is resolved.  Happiness is what happens now when you appreciate what you have.  (Read Authentic Happiness.)
    4. They don’t compare their journey to everyone else’s. – Social comparison is the thief of happiness.  Do YOUR best and don’t compare your progress with that of others.  They aren’t YOU.  We all need our own time to travel our own distance.  Emotionally strong people know this is the truth, and they live by it.
    5. They don’t envy and resent other people’s success. – Emotionally strong people can genuinely appreciate and celebrate other people’s success.  They don’t grow envious or feel cheated when others achieve something they are trying to achieve.  Instead, they recognize that success comes with hard work, and they are willing to work hard for their own chance at success.  True confidence has no room for envy and resentment.  When you know you are great, you have no reason to hate.
    6. They don’t expect everything to be easy. – Emotionally strong people don’t view failures and delays as reasons to give up.  Instead, they use failure as an opportunity to grow and improve.  They are willing to keep trying until they get it right.  Whether they are working on improving their health or getting a new business off the ground, emotionally strong people don’t expect immediate results.  Instead, they apply their efforts and skills to the best of their ability and understand that real change takes time.
    7. They don’t say, “I can’t.” – As Henry Ford put it, “Whether you think you can or you think you can’t, you are right.”  Emotionally strong people know this is true.  If you really want to do something, you can and you will find a way.  If you don’t, you will surely find a long list of excuses.  So stop saying “I wish” and start saying “I will.”  Turn your “can’ts” into “cans” and your dreams into plans.
    8. They don’t let fleeting temptations distract them from their dreams. – Don’t let the temptations of today distract you from what you deserve.  Stay emotionally strong.  Do what you have to do now so you can do what you want to do later.
    9. They don’t get impatient and settle. – Good things don’t come to those who wait.  Good things come to those who are patient… while working hard for what they want most in life.  If you know what you want, if you can see it, feel it and move toward it in some small way every single day… it has to happen.  Be patient and keep working.  That’s what emotionally strong people do.  (Read Awaken the Giant Within.)
    10. They don’t make the same exact mistakes over and over again. – You can’t make the same mistake twice.  Because the second time you make it, it’s no longer a mistake, it’s a choice.  Emotionally strong people accept responsibility for their behavior and learn from their past mistakes.  As a result, they don’t keep repeating the same mistakes over and over.  Instead, they grow and move on to better decisions and new lessons.
    11. They don’t resist change. – Emotionally strong people don’t try to avoid change.  Instead, they welcome positive change into their life and are willing to be flexible.  They understand that change is inevitable and believe in their abilities to adapt.  Change happens for a reason.  Roll with it!  It won’t be easy, but it will be worth it.
    12. They don’t waste time and energy on things they can’t control. – You won’t hear an emotionally strong person complaining over traffic jams and rainy days.  Instead, they focus on what they can control in their lives.  And above all, they recognize that sometimes the only thing they can control is their attitude.  After all, inner peace begins the moment you choose not to allow an uncontrollable event or person to control your emotions.
    13. They don’t hang on every word other people say about them. – Emotionally strong people listen to their own heart and intuition, not the peanut gallery.  So try not to take things other people say about you too personally.  What they think and say is a reflection of them, not you.  Ultimately, you can’t change how people treat you or what they say about you.  All you can do is change how you react and who you choose to be around.
    14. They don’t think everyone is out to get them. – Emotionally strong people choose to see the good in others.  Because the truth is, the world is full of good people.  Whoever says otherwise hasn’t looked around.  So look around.  Appreciate them.  Connect and smile together.  When you choose to see the good in others, you end up finding the good in yourself.
    15. They don’t worry about pleasing everyone. – Emotionally strong people recognize that they don’t need to please everyone all the time.  They’re not afraid to say no or speak up when necessary.  They strive to be compassionate and fair, but can handle other people being disappointed if they didn’t perfectly live up to their unfair expectations.  The bottom line is, pleasing everyone is impossible.  May the bridges you burn light your way. 
    16. They don’t think it’s too late to start over. – Let go of the idea that it’s too late to start over.  Remember, it’s always better to be at the bottom of the ladder you want to climb than the top of the one you don’t… even if it means beginning anew.  Just because some things didn’t work out as you had expected, or didn’t happen as fast as you thought they would, is no excuse to give up on yourself.  Time passes one way or the other.  Do what you need to do so that, at the very least, you can look back someday and say, “I gave life my best shot.”
    And remember, it only takes one idea, one second in time, one relationship, one dream, one leap of faith, to change everything, forever.  So hang in there.  Keep exercising your emotional strength.

    The floor is yours…

    What’s one habit or belief that has slowed you down and weakened your emotional strength?  How have you coped?  Leave a comment below and share your thoughts and insights.
    Photo by: RelaxingMusic

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    Friday 13 June 2014

    20 Hard Things You Need to Do to Be Happy

    20 Hard Things You Need to Do to Be Happy
    There are no shortcuts to any place worth going.
    You have to do hard things to be happy in life.  The things no one else is doing.  The things that frighten you.  The things others can’t do for you.  The things that make you question how much longer you can hold on and push forward.
    Why?
    Because those are the things that define you.  Those are the things that make the difference between existing and living – between knowing the path and walking the path – between a life of mediocrity and a life filled with happiness and success.
    Of course, the hard things are often the easiest things to avoid.  To procrastinate.  To make excuses.  To pretend like they somehow don’t apply to you and your life situation.
    But reality always rears its head in the end.  And the truth about how ordinary people achieve immense happiness and incredible feats of success is that they step out of their comfort zones and do the hard things that their more educated, affluent and qualified counterparts don’t have the courage, drive or determination to do.
    So for your own sake, start doing the hard things TODAY.  I guarantee, you will be blown away at just how remarkable you really are and just how amazing life can be.  Here are some ideas to get you started:
    1. You need to take small chances every day. – It’s the best way to face any problem, crush every fear and overcome life’s greatest challenges.  And you get just about as many chances in life as you’re willing to take.  So never let your fear decide your future.  Take small chances every day, one step at a time.  Some will work out and some won’t.  But good choices or bad, if you never take these chances, someone else will build your life for you.  And you don’t want that.
    2. You need to worry less about what other people think of you. – A beautiful life is about spending your time passionately, being happy with who you are inside, and not worrying about everyone’s petty judgments.  If you want to achieve greatness, stop asking for everyone’s approval.  You don’t need anyone’s approval to be happy or to follow your heart.
    3. You need to ignore what everyone else is doing and achieving. – Your life is about breaking your own limits and outgrowing yourself to live YOUR best life.  You are not in competition with anyone else; plan to outdo your past, not other people.
    4. You need to invest in yourself even when no one else is. – Truth be told, there are only a few people in this world who will stay 100% true to you, and YOU should be one of them.  Prioritize your own needs into your daily to-do’s.  Invest in your education, health and happiness every single day.  Create a life that feels good on the inside, not one that just looks good on the outside to everyone else.  (Read Choose Yourself!)
    5. You need to walk the talk. – Do not ask others or the universe to guide your footsteps if you’re not willing to move your feet.  If you really want it, prove it!  Happiness will come to you when it comes from you.  Success will be yours when you take responsibility for making your goals a top priority.
    6. You need to put your heart into your work. – Love is a verb.  Act on it.  Put your heart into goals that move you.  Work hard.  In the end, love is what makes you smile when you’re tired and still struggling.
    7. You need to deliver results, even when making excuses is easier. – NO shortcuts.  NO quick fixes.  NO blaming others.  NO “I’ll do it tomorrows.”  NO MORE EXCUSES!  Just get started.  Quit talking and begin doing!  Laziness may appear attractive, but work leads to happiness.
    8. You need to make mistakes and look like a fool sometimes. – Quite often, the successful people who act the happiest are the ones who have overcome the most.  Sometimes you have to lose something precious in order to gain something priceless.  Never regret your past mistakes and failures, because they have given you strength.  The one who falls and gets up is much stronger than the one who never fell.
    9. You need to let go of yesterday’s struggles. – The story of your life has many chapters.  One bad chapter doesn’t mean it’s the end.  So stop re-reading the bad one already and turn the page.  Accept what is, let go of what was and have faith in what could be.  Remember, life does not have to be anywhere near perfect to be wonderful in the end.
    10. You need to refrain from feeling sorry for yourself. – To those who are struggling, I understand how rough things are right now.  I just want to let you know that things will get better, I promise.  Keep pushing forward.  I know you feel like nobody really cares, but you’re wrong.  People care.  I care, otherwise I wouldn’t be writing this.  You’re not alone.  We may be miles apart, but we’re all going through similar challenges.  Realize that self-pity is not helpful.  Life is not about feeling sorry for yourself.  It’s about forgiveness, acceptance and looking forward to what makes you stronger and better off in the long run.
    11. You need to toughen up. – The strongest, happiest, most successful people are NOT those who always win, but those who don’t give up when they lose. They fail forward.  So keep calm when everything seems to be going wrong.  You may feel weak, but your spirit is strong.  When things are tough, you must be tougher.  Don’t pray for an easy life; pray for the strength to endure a hard one that leads to long-term success and happiness.
    12. You need to fight hard for what you believe in. – Great strength comes from overcoming what others believe is impossible.  And sometimes you have to lose the battle to win the war.  So if you believe strongly in something, fight for it.  In time things will fall into place… maybe not today, but eventually… maybe not exactly how you planned, just how it’s meant to be. 
    13. You need to be patient. – Don’t rush it.  Practice patience.  Keep a good attitude while working hard for what you believe in.  When the time is right, it’ll happen.
    14. You need to take control of your thoughts before they take control of you. –It’s often our own thinking that hurts us.  Realize this.  You can’t solve your problems with the same thinking you used to create them.  There’s no reason to imprison yourself.  Don’t think outside the box.  Think like there is no box.
    15. You need to be positive. – Happiness is in the heart and mind, not in random circumstances.  Beautiful things happen when you distance yourself from negative thinking.  Be positive and smile right now, not because everything is good, but because you can see the good side of everything.  Smiling doesn’t always mean you’re happy; sometimes it simply means you’re strong.  And smiling will help you feel better.
    16. You need to spend more time with the right people. – And if you know the people around you aren’t the right people, you need to change the people around you.  It’s not easy, but it’s worth it.  Don’t expect to see positive changes in your life if you surround yourself with negative people.  Don’t give part-time people a full-time position in your life.  Know your value and what you have to offer, and never settle for relationships that always bring you down.
    17. You need to stand up for yourself. – Some people will do anything for their own personal gain at the expense of others – cut in line, take money and property, bully and belittle, pass guilt, etc.  Do not accept this behavior.  Do not let people walk all over you.  Most of these people know they’re doing the wrong thing and will back down and apologize surprisingly quickly when confronted.  In most social settings people tend to keep quiet until one person speaks up, so SPEAK UP.
    18. You need to forgive everyone who has wronged you. – Kindness is not to be mistaken for weakness, nor forgiveness for acceptance.  It’s about knowing that resentment is not on the path to happiness.  Remember, you don’t forgive people because you’re weak.  You forgive them because you’re strong enough to know that people make mistakes.  (Read Loving What Is.)
    19. You need to reach out and help people. – The closest thing to being cared for is to care for others.  We are all in this together and we should treat each other as such.  Your beliefs alone don’t make you a better person, your behavior does.  Use your voice for kindness, your ears for compassion, and your hands for charity, always.  You don’t need a reason to help someone else.
    20. You need to be present enough to enjoy your journey. – Find your balance between planning and presence.  When life is good, enjoy it.  Don’t go looking for something better every second.  Happiness never comes to those who don’t appreciate what they have.  You must be willing to loosen your grip on the life you have planned so you can enjoy the life that is waiting for you in this moment.  It may not be everything you want for your future, but it’s everything you need right now.

    The floor is yours…

    What else would you add to the list?  What’s one hard thing you do that makes you happier?  Leave a comment below and share your thoughts.
    Photo by: Dimitris Papazimouris

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    Wednesday 11 June 2014

    29 Signs You’re Doing Just Fine (Even If It Doesn’t Feel Like It)


    post written by: Marc Chernoff


    29 Signs You’re Doing Just Fine (Even If It Doesn’t Feel Like It)
    Happiness is not the absence of problems, but the ability to keep things in perspective and deal with them.
    We all have days, weeks, months and – for some – even years of feeling anxious and uncertain.  It’s a vague feeling you can’t quite put your finger on.  From the outside, people think you have it all together, but they can’t see what’s going on in your head.  Emptiness fills your thoughts and emotions all too often, nagging at you throughout the day.  You set goals but they never satisfy your ego.  You always feel a day late and a buck short.  The search can seem almost endless.
    And a question continues to spin in your mind:  “Why can’t I just be happy?”
    The good news is you don’t have to live like this.  There is a better way to view the world that will lead to what you seek.  The first step, though, is to stop searching.  You will never find happiness by continually looking for it in another time and place.  When you focus on the lack of something in your life, what you want will always elude you.
    Angel and I often tell our coaching clients they’re doing so much better than they give themselves credit for.  Most of us are so busy trying to make something big happen, we forget to pause and appreciate all our little victories.
    Rather than dwelling on what’s missing in your life, start looking at what you have.  This isn’t just about material possessions; it’s about all the goodness in your life.  When you focus on the abundance you already have, the negative feelings that come from lacking something else gradually fade from your conscious.  Living isn’t an easy thing to do, but it can be enjoyable when you start to see the good instead of focusing on the bad.
    Having trouble seeing the goodness?  Here’s a list of things you have to smile about – some obvious signs you’re doing just fine in life:
    1. You have the freedom to live your life the way you want to live it. – If you often worry about what you’re going to do with your life – your career, your family, the next step, etc., be grateful.  All details aside, this means you have ambition, passion, drive, and the freedom to make your own decisions.
    2. You are courageously walking your own path. – When people argue with you and challenge your decisions, remind yourself that you don’t have to do what everyone else is doing.  You’ve got to do what’s right for you, even if some people disagree.
    3. You are making difficult decisions and acting upon them. – How well you play the game of life comes down to the sum of your choices.  You know this.  Whatever you decide, don’t be the chess piece, be the chess player.
    4. You are working hard for people and causes you believe in. – Working hard for something you don’t care about is called stress; working hard for something you love is called passion.
    5. You are choosing to be happy in your own way. – When you stop chasing everyone else’s definition of happiness, you begin to see that the decision to be happy has been available all along.  (Read Authentic Happiness.)
    6. You see obstacles in front of you because you are not settling. – If you settle for just anything, there wouldn’t be any obstacles in your way, but then you would never know what you are capable of either.  Because your obstacles are your opportunities.  Obstacles are put in your way to help you determine if what you want is really worth fighting for.
    7. You have made the best of some tough situations. – Smiling doesn’t always mean you’re happy with everything.  Sometimes it just means you’re strong enough to accept it and make the best of it.
    8. You have come a long way. – Do not judge your failed attempts and mistakes as an indication of your future potential, but as part of your growth process.  Your past has given you the strength and wisdom you have today, so celebrate it and use the knowledge you’ve gained.  Don’t let it haunt you and hold you back.
    9. You haven’t quit and you aren’t planning on it. – People rarely quit over the last thing that happened.  Instead they quit a tiny bit each day.  Trying to fix the last thing misses the point.  Keep this in mind.
    10. You do your best to accept what you can’t change. – Moving on is never an easy thing, but if you start accepting things for what they are it’ll be a lot easier.  Acceptance is always the key to moving forward and making positive changes that are within your control.
    11. You aren’t scared to fail forward. – The biggest difference between wildly successful people and total failures is that successful people fail more often, instead of just once.
    12. You haven’t let fear get in your way. – You have to wonder how many people are afraid to die, in part, because they often realize too late that they were afraid to live. 
    13. You still believe in the possibilities that lie ahead. – Accept what is, let go of what was and have faith in what could be.  Remember, life does not have to be anywhere near perfect to be wonderful.
    14. You dare to dream every day. – Dr. King gave the famous “I have a dream” speech not the “I have a plan” speech.  It’s our dreams that change the course of history, not just our plans.  Keep dreaming.
    15. You have a vision for your future. – “Vision” is the ability to talk about your future with such clarity, it’s as if you are talking about your past.
    16. You haven’t let the judgments of others stop you. – Keep listening to your intuition, and make this your lifelong motto: “I respectfully do not care.”  Say it to anyone who passes judgment on something you strongly believe in.
    17. You are doing what you can with what you have. – The secret to living the life of your dreams is to start living the life of your dreams, right now, to any degree that you already can.
    18. You are doing your best to provide value. – No one is entitled to success.  To remain successful, you must constantly find new ways to add value.  Keep putting your heart, mind and soul into even your smallest acts.  This is one of the great secrets of lasting success.
    19. You go out of your way to help people. – Service is not doing what is required of us.  Service is doing more than is required of us.  Remember, successful people are always looking for ways to help others.  Unsuccessful people are always asking, “What’s in it for me?”
    20. You aren’t scared to express your love, openly. – Love is great when spoken, but greatest when shown.  So if you care about someone’s wellbeing, show it.  Keep doing little things daily to show the people around you that you care.
    21. You continue to make a difference. – Have you ever thought about how much your actions mean to others?  Maybe that smile you gave to a stranger today made their bad day better.  Maybe that hello you gave to a colleague today made them realize people actually notice them and care.  Maybe that money you gave to a homeless man today gave him hope.  Maybe spending time with someone special today made them forget their problems for a while.  Keep it up.
    22. You have enough right now to live comfortably. – You didn’t go to sleep hungry last night.  You awoke this morning with a roof over your head.  You had a choice of what clothes to wear.  You have access to clean drinking water and electricity.  You are online right now.  You have plenty to be comfortable.  Being wealthy is a mindset.  Want less and appreciate more.
    23. You haven’t let rampant materialism get the best of you. – Our lives are not defined by the things we possess.  Our lives are defined by the things we pursue.  Make sure what you own, never owns you.
    24. You are reasonably healthy. – In other words, if you got sick today you could recover.  Never underestimate the gift of your health.  It’s the greatest wealth you will ever own.  It’s the foundation for every chance at happiness and success life has to offer.  Your body is the only place you will truly ever live.
    25. Your relationships are less dramatic than they use to be. – Keep forgoing the drama and ignoring the negativity.  Don’t let ignorance stop you from being the best you can be.  Just keep doing what you’re doing – being sincere and kind, and promoting what you love, rather than bashing what you hate.
    26. You have escaped from some very toxic relationships. – Don’t worry too much about people who don’t worry about you.  Know your worth!  When you give yourself to someone who doesn’t respect you, you surrender pieces of your soul that you’ll never get back.  (Read Toxic People.)
    27. You know deep down that you are not alone. – Next time you feel all alone, remember, again, that you are not.
    28. You have great people in your life who are standing beside you. – Know that it’s less important to have more friends and more important to have real ones.  And remember, it’s during the toughest times of your life that you’ll get to see the true colors of the people who say they care about you.  Don’t take these people for granted.  Look around and appreciate them, right now.
    29. You have a home. – A house is a home when it shelters the body and comforts the soul.  But a home isn’t always a physical structure, or a specific location on a map.  Home is wherever the people you love are, whenever you’re with them.  It’s not a defined place, but a space in your heart and mind that builds upon itself like little bricks being stacked to create something stable that you take with you for your entire life, wherever you may go.
    Recognizing these little victories in your life on a daily basis can take you from a mindset of wishing you had more, to a mindset of joyful appreciation.

    Your turn…

    What would you add to the list?  What’s something positive about you and your life situation that you often overlook?  Please leave a comment below and let the community know.
    Photo by: Lauren Rushing


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    30 Lessons to Excel in Life in Your 30s and Beyond

    post written by: Marc Chernof

    30 Lessons to Excel in Life in Your 30s and Beyond
    “The trouble is if you don’t spend your life yourself,
    other people spend it for you.”
    ―Peter Shaffer
     ...So today, for graduates, 30-somethings, and beyond, here’s a list of general lessons and life skills Angel and I work on every single day – a list worth growing into and working on for the rest of your adult life:
    1. You have to stand beside yourself, 100%, every day. – Self-respect, self-worth and self-love.  There’s a reason they all start with “self.”  You can’t receive them from anyone else.  You are GOOD enough, SMART enough, ATTRACTIVE enough, and STRONG enough.  Believe it!  Own it!  And never let insecurity and negativity run your life.  There will always be someone who tells you that you can’t do something.  Your mission is to smile and prove them wrong.  One smile at a time.
    2. Nothing great ever comes from a comfort zone.  Period. – If you want to stunt your growth and feel stuck in the same place forever, keep making excuses.  If, on the other hand, you want to stop feeling trapped, you have to start doing things that make you uncomfortable – things you aren’t very good at.  There is no excuse for remaining stuck.  There is no excuse for doing the same exact mundane things over and over again.  Life is too short.  Ask yourself if what you’re doing today is getting you closer to where you want to be tomorrow.  What a disgrace it would be for you to grow old without ever seeing the beauty and strength of your full potential.
    3. Fight for it.  Do what’s right, not what’s easy. – Short-term adversity and failure are two of the surest stepping-stones to life-long success.  Things can change if you want them to, at any age.  As I awoke this morning, I marveled at my life today.  Where once I woke with dread at the thought of a new day, now I wake with excitement to begin – grateful to be doing what I’m doing for a living.  I am so happy I did what I had to do, and struggled through the tough times and the fears, and realigned my life with the things that make me happy.  When friends ask me how I did it, as they sometimes do, I tell them, “Hard work and persistence.  It’s a small price to pay for a changed life.”
    4. Be a beacon of honesty and respect. – Be the type of person you want to meet and be around.  Be the type of person whose actions, words and values always agree with each other.
    5. Neglecting your interests and passions is self-deception. – Doing so is like pretending to be someone you’re not – living a lie.  Don’t do it.  Live a life you are proud of.  Follow your excitement.  When you lose yourself in the things you love, you will find yourself there, too.  (Read The 4-Hour Workweek.)
    6. Challenge yourself to beat your own personal records. – No one can do it for you – you have to choose to use your wings.  Challenge yourself to be who you know you are capable of being.  Challenge yourself to follow through – to live what you preach, to walk your talk.  Don’t worry about how slowly you feel you’re heading towards your goals, or how many roadblocks you find, or how many detours you’re forced to take.  As long as you keep doing your thing, you’re still cruising far ahead of everyone who’s too scared to even try.
    7. Your struggles are really your best growth opportunities. – Know in your heart that there is strength inside you that is greater than the troubles you face.  Stay strong.  Be positive.  We all struggle sometimes.  Life’s about breaking our own limits and outgrowing ourselves to live our best lives.  The more obstacles you overcome, the stronger you become.  The one who falls and gets up is so much stronger than the one who never fell.  You will honestly never know how strong you truly are until being strong is the only choice you have.  Keep going.  Keep growing.
    8. Your alleged flaws will often work for you. – The little things about you that you think are your flaws are often the reasons others fall in love with you.  Accept your flaws.  Admit your mistakes.  Don’t hide and don’t lie.  Deal with the truth, learn the lessons, endure the consequences of reality, and move forward.  Your truth won’t penalize you.  The mistakes won’t hurt you.  The denial and cover-up will.  Flawed and vulnerable people are beautiful and likable.  Liars and phonies are not.  Every beautiful human being is made entirely of flaws, stitched together with good intentions and finished with unique qualities.
    9. Let go and grow.  Embrace change. – Always respect yourself enough to walk away from anything that holds you back and no longer grows you. Thank your past for all the lessons, and move forward.  By leaving behind your old self and taking a leap of faith into the unknown, you find out who you’re truly capable of becoming.  You can’t grow unless you’re willing to change.  You will know you’re on the right track when you become uninterested in looking back.
    10. Work through your fears and take calculated risks. – No matter how long you get to live, life is relatively short.  And before you know it, you’re going to be dust.  And the janitor gets buried next to the doctor.  And all that really matters in the end is how big you showed up and how bold you were.  Because when you’re taking your final breath, what will fill your heart with the greatest regret will not be all the risks you took, and not all the opportunities you chased, and not all the times you fell on your face and looked like a fool.  What will fill your heart with the greatest regret in that final moment is all the risks you never took and all the opportunities you never had the courage to explore.
    11. Balance your time with your priorities. – There will always be more than one option and more than one obligation competing for your time.  You must find the balance that works best for you in your unique situation – the right balance between activity and rest, work and family, passion and money, short-term and long-term goals, getting things done and leaving them undone.  Without balance everything falls out of whack.  For instance, when you let your work life, or social life, or family life consume you, and 100% of your energy is focused in that one area, every other area of your life suffers.  Maybe that’s OK with you.  Maybe not.  But you need to decide and manage your time accordingly.
    12. A small attitude change always makes a BIG difference. – Those who move forward with a positive spirit will find that things always work out.  In any situation, it’s not your specific circumstances that shape you, it’s how you react to your circumstances.  You can’t direct the wind, but you can always adjust your sails.  When it rains look for rainbows, when it’s dark out, look for stars.  Making a habit of this takes time and practice, but the positive effects will change the trajectory of your life.
    13. Stop from time to time and ask yourself, “Is it true?” – It’s funny how humans can wrap their mind around things and fit them into their version of reality.  Thinking something does not make it true.  Wanting something does not make it real.  So watch your thoughts.
    14. Put as much positive energy as you can muster into the present. – Be at peace with what has been.  Doing so enables you to focus your energy into making the best of what can be.  Get beyond your worries about what may or may not happen, or what other people might think of you.  Invest yourself in the real and present actions you can take to make a positive difference.  Your life is too important to waste on things you can’t do anything about.  Put your efforts into present opportunities.  Feel love instead of fear, joy in the place of worry, and focus on your possibilities instead of your resentments.  Imagine your life at its best, and bring the best to your life.
    15. Let needless stress rest in peace. – Would you like to have less stress in your life?  Then quit creating it.  Rather than jumping at the chance to be offended, choose to be amused.  Instead of filling your thoughts with resentment, fill your heart with forgiveness.  If someone is rude to you, let it be that person’s personal problem and not yours.  Quickly grow beyond each disappointment, while savoring and sharing each joy.  Life in general is what it is.  Yet your life in particular, and your experience of it, is the way you choose to live it.
    16. Many of your biggest questions can only be answered through experience. – Regardless of your age or stature, life is always filled with unanswered questions.  It is the courage to ask these questions and adventurously seek the answers that continues to give life meaning.  Have patience with everything that remains unresolved in your heart.  Try to love the unanswered questions themselves.  Do not demand all the answers; they cannot be given to you because you have to live through them.  It is a matter of experiencing everything.  Only when you do will you gradually, perhaps without even noticing it, find yourself arriving at the answers you seek.
    17. Make time every day to be alone. – Sometimes you need to be alone… not to be lonely, but to enjoy some free time just breathing and being YOU.  In order to be one with your relationships and life’s work, you have to turn away from the busyness of the world for a while.  You need to find solitude to refuel.  You must withdraw into your innermost self.  You need to ponder your successes and failures in seclusion; you need the sunshine and the moonlight to illuminate you without others to distract you, without the ongoing banter, face to face with your inner core, with only the sound of your heartbeat for company.
    18. There’s a maintenance cost for everything you own and hold on to. – We can speak in dollars – insurance, taxes and interest.  Or even in time – cleaning, updating and protecting.  But the hardest maintenance cost for most people is simply sentimental value.  We transfer our feelings and memories onto an object and decide we can’t let go because we’ll risk losing the feeling or memory.  Before long, we become surrounded by these visual reminders of our memories and no longer have room to make new ones.  It’s hard to move forward in your life when your past is crowding your present.  Bottom line:  Buy less crap and more new, enlightening experiences.  (Read The Joy of Less.)
    19. True wealth is NOT measured in money. – No matter where life takes you, big cities or small towns, you will inevitably come across others who think they know what’s best for you – people who think they’re better than you – people who think happiness, success and beauty mean the same things to everyone.  They’ll try to measure your worth based on what you have, instead of who you are.  But you know better than that – material things don’t matter.  Don’t chase the money.  Catch up to the ideas and activities that make you come alive.  Go for the things of greater value – the things money can’t buy.  What matters is having strength of character, an honest heart, and a sense of self-worth.  If you’re lucky enough to have any of these things, never sell them.  Never sell yourself short.
    20. Practice being mindful of your blessings. – You honestly never fully grasp how much someone means to you until the reality of their existence becomes an uncertain, immanent matter of life and death.  You never truly appreciate what you have in every little moment until you are faced with the possibility of not having another.  But try your hardest every day to appreciate what you have anyway.  Look around and be thankful for your life.  For your health, your family, your friends and your home.  Many people don’t have these things, and never will.
    21. Don’t hold your love in.  Let it out. – Where you invest your love, you invest your life.  Love without limits.  Love like there’s no tomorrow.  And if tomorrow comes, love again.  It’s this love that makes the impossible possible.
    22. There are right people and wrong people for you. – There are fake people, and those who are true friends.  There are people who take the heart out of you, and those who put it back.  You have a choice of who to spend time with.  True friends have an honest heart, and will go out of their way to help you when you need it most.  Stick with the people who never let you down and keep their promises.  You can’t fake that.
    23. Pay close attention to who really cares. – You have to allow yourself to be loved by the people who really love you, the people who really matter.  Far too often, we are blinded by our own pursuits of people to love us, people that don’t even matter in the grand scheme of things.  We waste our time and the people who truly do love us have to sit on the curb and watch us beg in the streets.  Don’t do this to yourself. 
    24. Never be ashamed to speak up. – Don’t hold all your thoughts hostage.  Anything that’s true in your mind – feelings, fears, etc. – is mentionable to a good friend, and anything that’s mentionable can be more manageable.  When you can talk about how you feel, your thoughts become less overwhelming and scary, and more understood.  The good friends you trust with these important talks ultimately help you realize that you’re not alone in this world.
    25. Keep your envy in check. – When you feel flustered because someone has received the very thing you want, force yourself to remember how much you have already been given.  Remember that there’s plenty for everyone, and that everyone gets one dose at a time.  Remember that what happened to someone else has absolutely no bearing on what happens to you.  Your success is unique to you.  Remember that a wonderful thing has happened to this other person, and if you keep working and pushing forward, something wonderful will also happen to you at just the right time.
    26. Be selective in your battles.  Peace is often better than being right. – Sometimes we choose to be wrong, not because we really are wrong, but because we value our relationship more than our pride.  When two people who care about each other fight, both are wrong.  They have put some kind of superficial outcome over love and compromise.  The one who apologizes and makes up first, is the one who is right.
    27. When someone is unpleasant, they may just need your kindness. – Some people are rude as a way of crying for help.  They may not be conscious of it though, so their comments come across as attacks rather than requests.  Show a little love and concern.  Do something nice for them.  Just a simple “Are you okay?” or “Is there anything I can do to help you?” can work wonders in certain situations.  Resist the urge to judge or assume.  It’s hard to offer compassion when you assume you have them figured out.  Let them know they’re not alone.  People overcome the forces of negative emotions, like anger and hatred, when the counter-forces of love and support are in full effect.
    28. Learn who the liars are, and don’t let them affect you more than once. – Don’t lie to people who trust you, and don’t trust people who lie to you.  These negative relationships will never give you a positive life.  And whatever you do, don’t let the same exact people lie to you over and over again.  If someone fools you once, shame on them.  If someone fools you twice, shame on you.  If you catch someone lying to you, speak up.  Some people will lie to you repeatedly in a vicious effort to get you to repeat their lies over and over until they effectively become true.  Don’t partake in their nonsense.  Don’t let their lies be your reality.
    29. Don’t betray yourself by hating someone for betraying you. – Betrayal is a double-edged sword.  Not only do you feel betrayed by someone you trusted, you feel like you betrayed yourself for trusting this person in the first place.  You blame them and then you blame yourself.  If you feel betrayed, it’s important to release any feelings of hate at once.  By doing so the bitterness has no time to take root.  Only then can you begin the process of evaluating the real situation – perhaps a frightening possibility such as:  “My beloved doesn’t love me,” or perhaps a more innocuous realization:  “This was an honest mistake that deserves to be forgiven.”
    30. Keep the reckless expectation of perfection in check. – If you always look for perfection you will always look unhappy, in all walks of life.  And this is especially true for relationships.  So don’t berate people for not being perfect.  Admire them for not being fake.  Even though you probably get confused sometimes, you don’t really want your friends and lovers to be perfect.  What you do want is people you can trust, who treat you right – people you can act silly with, who love being around you as much as you love being around them.

    Afterthoughts

    If you’re struggling with any of these lessons and life skills, know that you are not alone.  Many of us are right there with you, working hard to feel better, think more clearly, and keep our lives and relationships on track. 
    The bottom line is that it’s never too late to take a step in the right direction.  It’s never too late to become the person you are capable of being.  Things can change if you want them to, at any age.  Right now you have the opportunity of a lifetime.

    Your turn…

    What has life taught you that has helped you excel?
    Think about all the things you would love to tell yourself if you could travel back in time to give your younger self some advice about life.
    Please leave a comment below and share your insight with the community.
    Photo by: Lee

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    Wednesday 4 June 2014

    10 Forgotten Truths to Help You Get Through Hard Times

    post written by: Marc Chernoff

    10 Truths to Help You Get Through Hard Times
    “That which does not kill us makes us stronger.”
    –Friedrich Nietzsche
    The wisest, most loving, and well rounded people you have ever met are likely those who have known misery, known defeat, known the heartbreak of losing something or someone they loved, and have found their way out of the depths of their own despair.  These people have experienced many ups and downs, and have gained an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, understanding and a deep loving wisdom.  People like this aren’t born; they develop slowly over the course of time.
    Angel and I have worked with thousands of these incredible people over the past decade, both online and offline, through various forms of coaching.  In many cases they came to us feeling stuck and lost, unaware of their own brilliance, blind to the fact that their struggles have strengthened them and given them an upper hand in this crazy world.
    Truth be told, when hard times hit, and the challenges you face are great, you can either let your situation define you, let it destroy you or let it strengthen you.  The choice is yours to make.
    In today’s article I want to remind you of a few powerful, yet easily forgotten truths that will help you choose wisely and grow stronger even through the hardest times…

    1.  Pain is part of life and love, and it helps you grow.

    So many of us are afraid of ourselves, of our own truth, and our feelings most of all.  We talk about how great the concepts of life and love are, but then we hide from both every day.  We hide from our truest feelings.  Because the truth is life and love hurt sometimes, and the feelings this brings disturbs us.
    We are taught at an early age that all pain is evil and harmful.  Yet, how can we ever deal with real life and true love if we’re afraid to feel what we really feel?  We need to feel pain, just as we need to feel alive and loved.  Pain is meant to wake us up.  Yet we try to hide our pain.  Realize this.  Pain is something to carry willingly, just like good sense.  Because you can only learn how strong you are when being strong is the only choice you have.
    It’s all in how you carry the things that don’t go your way.  That’s what matters in the end.  Pain is a feeling.  Your feelings are a part of you – your own reality.  If you feel ashamed of them, and hide them, you’re letting the lies of insecurity destroy your reality.  You should stand up for your right to feel pain – to endure it – to own your scars – to deal with the realities of life and love, as you grow into the strongest, wisest, truest version of yourself.

    2.  Mindset is half the battle.

    It’s okay to have down days and tough times.  Expecting life to be wonderful all the time is wanting to swim in an ocean in which waves only rise up and never come crashing down.  However, when you recognize that the rising and crashing waves are part of the exact same ocean, you are able to let go and be at peace with the reality of these ups and downs.  It becomes clear that life’s ups require life’s downs.
    In other words, life isn’t perfect, but it sure is good.  Our goal shouldn’t be to create a perfect life, but to live an imperfect life in radical amazement.  To get up every morning and take a good look around in a way that takes nothing for granted.  Everything is extraordinary.  Every day is a gift.  Never treat life casually.  To be spiritual in any way is to be amazed in every way.
    Do not let the pain of a situation make you hopeless.  Do not let negativity wear off on you.  Do not let the bitterness steal your sweetness.  Even though others may disagree with you, take pride in the fact that you still know the world to be a beautiful place.  Change your thoughts and you change your reality.
    And mindset is especially powerful when it comes to accepting that…

    3.  Your biggest fears don’t really exist.

    When times are hard it can be difficult to follow your heart and take another step, but it’s a tragedy to let the lies of fear stop you.  Although fear can feel overwhelming, and defeats more people than any other force in the world, it’s not as powerful as it seems.  Fear is only as deep as your mind allows.  You are still in control.  So take control!
    The key is to acknowledge your fear and directly address it.  Fight hard to shine the light of your words upon it.  Because if you don’t, if your fear becomes a wordless, obscure darkness that you avoid, and perhaps even manage to briefly forget, you open yourself to future attacks from fear when you least expect it.  Because you never truly faced the opponent who defeated you.
    You CAN beat fear if you face it.  Be courageous!  And remember that courage doesn’t mean you don’t get afraid; courage means you don’t let fear stop you from moving forward with your life.

    4.  You are growing through experience.

    Over time you will find that life isn’t necessarily any easier or harder than you thought it was going to be; it’s just that the easy and the hard aren’t exactly the way you had anticipated, and don’t always occur when you expect them to.  This isn’t a bad thing; it makes life interesting.  With a positive attitude you will always be pleasantly surprised.
    When you stop expecting things to be a certain way, you can appreciate them for what they are.  Ultimately you will realize that life’s greatest gifts are rarely wrapped the way you expected.
    Experience is what you get when your plans don’t go as planned, and experience is the most valuable commodity you own – it builds your strength.
    You have the power to turn your wounds and worries into wisdom; you just have to do something about them.  You have to accept what has happened and use what you’ve learned to step forward.  Everything you’ve experienced has given you the upper hand for dealing with everything you have yet to experience.  Realize this and set yourself free.

    5.  You can’t change situations you don’t take responsibility for.

    Sigmund Freud once said, “Most people do not really want freedom, because freedom involves responsibility, and most people are frightened of responsibility.”  Don’t let this be you.  When you blame others for what you’re going through, you deny responsibility – you surrender power over that part of your life.
    Make no mistake, in the end, the price of happiness IS responsibility.  As soon as you stop making everyone and everything else responsible for your happiness, the happier you’ll be.  If you’re unhappy now, it’s not someone else’s fault.
    Ultimately, your happiness depends on your self-reliance – your unshakable willingness to take responsibility for your life from this moment forward, regardless of who had a hand in making it the way it is now.  It’s about taking control of your present circumstances, thinking for yourself, and making a firm choice to choose differently.  It’s about being the hero of your life, not the victim.

    6.  The present is all you really have to deal with.

    Life is not lived in some distant, imagined land of someday where everything is perfect.  It is lived here and now, with the reality of the way things are.  Yes, by all means you can work toward an idealized tomorrow.  Yet to do so, you must successfully deal with the world as it is today.
    Sometimes we avoid experiencing exactly where we are because we have developed a belief, based on past experiences, that it is not where we should be or want to be.  But the truth is, where you are now is exactly where you need to be to get to where you want to go tomorrow.  So appreciate where you are.
    Your friends and family are too beautiful to ignore.  Take a moment to remember how fortunate you are to be breathing.  Take a look around, with your eyes earnestly open to the possibilities before you.  Much of what you fear does not exist.  Much of what you love is closer than you realize.  You are just one brief thought away from understanding the blessing that is your life.
    Happiness is a mindset that can only be designed into the present.  It’s not a point in the future or a moment from the past; yet sadly, this misconception hurts the masses.  So many young people seem to think all their happiness awaits them in the years ahead, while so many older people believe their best moments are behind them.  Don’t be either of them.  Don’t let the past and the future steal your present.  (Read The Power of Now: A Guide to Spiritual Enlightenment.)

    7.  There is always, always, always something to be thankful for.

    Life is better when you’re smiling.  Being positive in a negative situation is not naive; it’s a sign of leadership and strength.  You’re doing it right when you have so much to cry and complain about, but you prefer to smile and appreciate your life instead.
    What if you woke up tomorrow with only the things you were thankful for today?
    Think of all the beauty that remains around you, see it and smile.  Be thankful for all the small things in your life, because when you put them all together you will see just how significant they are.  At the end of the day, it’s not happiness that makes us thankful, but thankfulness that makes us happy.

    8.  Great things take time.

    Instant results are rarely the best results.  With patience, you can greatly expand your potential.  If your desires were always fulfilled immediately, you would have nothing to look forward to.  You would miss out on the joys of anticipation and progress.
    Remember, patience is not about waiting; it’s the ability to keep a good attitude while working hard for what you believe in.  It’s the willingness to stay focused, confidently staking one small step at a time, knowing that the way you move a mountain is by moving one stone at a time.  Every stone you move, no matter how small, is progress.
    Bottom line:  You deserve more than mere instant gratification.  Value that arrives in an instant is often gone in an instant.  Value that takes time and commitment to create often outlives its creator – YOU.

    9.  Other people cannot validate you.

    When we’re struggling to achieve something important, sometimes we look to others to validate our progress.  But the truth is, they can’t…
    You are not in this world to live up to the expectations of others, nor should you feel that others are here to live up to yours.  Pave your own unique path.  What success means to each of us is totally different.  Success is ultimately about spending your life happily in your own way.
    You don’t have to be flashy to be impressive.  You don’t have to be famous to be significant.  You don’t have to be a celebrity to be successful.  You don’t need to be validated by anyone else.  You are already valuable.  You just need to believe in yourself and what you wish to achieve.
    You can be quietly humble and still be amazingly effective.  Just because people don’t fall at your feet and worship you, doesn’t mean you are a failure.  Quiet success is just as sweet as loud, flamboyant success, and usually far more real.  Success is how you define it, not what everyone else says it must be for you.  (Read The Gifts of Imperfection.)

    10.  You are not alone.

    In the midst of hard times, it’s easy to look around and see a bunch of people who seem to be doing just fine.  But they’re not.  We’re all struggling in our own way.  And if we could just be brave enough to open up about it, and talk to each other, we’d realize that we are not alone in feeling lost and alone.
    So many of us are fighting the same exact battle alongside you.  We are all in this together.  So no matter how embarrassed or pathetic you feel about your own situation, know that there are others out there experiencing the same emotions.  When you hear yourself say, “I am all alone,” it’s just your worried mind trying to sell you a lie.  There’s always someone who can relate to you.  Perhaps you can’t immediately talk to them, but they are out there.
    If you’re feeling desperate right now, hear me:  I often feel and think and struggle much like you do.  I care about many of the things you care about, just in my own way.  And although some people do not understand us, we understand each other.  YOU are not alone!

    Afterthoughts

    One of life’s greatest gifts is the fact that life is difficult.  Because in dealing with life’s difficulties, we build invaluable strength.  This strength enables us to successfully fulfill our deepest, most meaningful purposes.  It is precisely because life is difficult that we are able to make it great.  It is because life is difficult that we are able to rise above the difficulties.  We are able to make a difference and we are able to truly matter.
    So remember this…
    When times are tough, you must be tougher.  Don’t pray for an easy life; pray for the strength to endure a tough one that leads to greatness.

    Your turn…

    What have you learned that has helped you get through hard times?  What truths do you keep in mind to motivate yourself?  Leave a comment below and share your thoughts.
    Photo by: Rita M.

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