5 Ways to Stop Worrying About What Everyone Thinks of You

POST WRITTEN BY: MARC CHERNOFF

You could spend the whole year worrying about what other people think of you, but it wouldn’t get you anywhere.

“What’s wrong with wanting others to like you?”

That’s what several of our course members asked me in response to one of my recent course member emails.  And I’ve been asked similar questions over the years too.  So today, I want to discuss why it’s not healthy to spend lots of time worrying about what everyone thinks of you, and how to stop yourself from doing so.

In a nutshell, tying your self-worth to everyone else’s opinions gives you a flawed sense of reality.  But before we look at how to fix this, first we need to understand why we do this…

From wanting others to think we’re attractive, to checking the number of likes and comments on our Facebook and Instagram posts, most of us care about what others think.  In fact, a big part of this is an innate desire that we are born with.  It has been proven time and time again that babies’ emotions are often drawn directly from the behaviors of those around them.

As we grow up, we learn to separate our thoughts and emotions from everyone else’s, but many of us continue to seek – and in many cases beg for – positive social validation from others.  This can cause serious trouble when it comes to self-esteem and happiness.  In a recent survey we did with 3,000 of our course members and coaching clients, 67% of them admitted that their self-worth is strongly tied to what other people think of them.

As human beings, we naturally respond to everything we experience through the lens of our learned expectations – a set of deep-rooted beliefs about the way the world is and how things should be.  And one of the most prevailing expectations we have involves external validation and how others ‘should’ respond to us.

Over a century ago, social psychologist Charles Cooley identified the phenomenon of the “looking-glass self,” which is when we believe “I am not what I think I am, and I am not what you think I am – I am what I think that you think I am.”  This kind of external validation has insecurity at its core, and relying on it for even a short time chips away at our sense of self-worth and self-confidence.

The biggest problem is we tend to forget that people judge us based on a pool of influences in their own life that have absolutely nothing to do with us.  For example, a person might assume things about you based on a troubled past experience they had with someone else that looks kind of like you, or someone else who shares your same last name, etc.  Therefore, basing your self-worth on what others think puts you in a perpetual state of vulnerability – you are literally at the mercy of their unreliable, bias perspectives.  If they see you in the right light, and respond to you in a positive, affirming manner, then you feel good about yourself.  And if not, you feel like you did something wrong.

Bottom line:  When you’re doing everything for other people, and basing your happiness and self-worth on their opinions, you’ve lost your moral center.

The good news is we have the capacity to watch our thoughts and expectations, identify which ones serve us, and then change the ones that do not.

So, in order to stop worrying so much about what others think, it’s time to inject some fresh objectivity into your life, and develop a value system that doesn’t depend on others every step of the way.  Here are five things you can start doing today:

1.  Remind yourself that most people are NOT thinking about you anyway.

Ethel Barrett once said, “We would worry far less about what others think of us if we realized how seldom they do.”  Nothing could be closer to the truth.

Forget what everyone else thinks of you today; chances are, they aren’t thinking about you anyway.  If you feel like they always are, understand that this perception of them watching you and critiquing your every move is a complete figment of your imagination.  It’s your own inner fears and insecurities that are creating this illusion.

It’s you judging yourself that’s the real problem.  (Read Loving What Is.)

2.  Acknowledge that external validation is only getting in your way.

Spend time clearly and consciously articulating to yourself how your thoughts about what others are (potentially) thinking plays out in your life.  Think of situations where it gets in your way, and identify the triggers and the regrettable responses it causes in your life.  Then identify a new behavior that creates a more beneficial response.

Tell yourself, “Instead of responding in the same old way based on what I think others are thinking, I will respond in this new way based on my new way of thinking about myself.”  Every time you interrupt your automatic response and respond differently, you are re-wiring your brain to think more effectively.

The ultimate goal is to never let someone’s opinion become your reality.  To never sacrifice who you are, or who you aspire to be, because someone else has a problem with it.  To love who you are inside and out as you push forward.  And to realize once and for all that no one else has the power to make you feel small unless you give them that power.

3.  Get comfortable with not knowing what other people think.

When I first started writing on this blog, I’d agonize over whether people would think what I was writing was good enough.  I desperately hoped they’d like it, and oftentimes I’d catch myself imagining they didn’t.  Then one day I realized how much energy I was wasting worrying about it.  So I’ve gradually learned to relax with simply not knowing.

Some problems in life, such as not knowing what others think of you, are not really meant to be resolved.  As I’ve mentioned, how people perceive you may have more to do with them than you anyway.  They may even like or dislike you simply because you’ve triggered an association in their minds by reminding them of someone they liked or disliked from their past, which has absolutely nothing to do with you.

So here’s a new mantra for you – say it, and then say it again: “This is my life, my choices, my mistakes and my lessons.  As long as I’m not hurting people, I need not worry what they think of me.” 

4.  Refocus your attention on what DOES matter.

People will think what they want to think.  You can’t control them.  No matter how carefully you choose your words and mannerisms, there’s always a good chance they’ll be misinterpreted and twisted upside down by someone.  Does this really matter in the grand scheme of things?  No, it doesn’t.

What DOES matter is how you see yourself.

So when you’re making big decisions, make a habit of staying 100% true to your values and convictions.  Never be ashamed of doing what feels right.

To help you implement this positive habit, start by listing out 5-10 things that are important to you when it comes to building your character and living your life honorably.  For example:

• Honesty
• Reliability
• Self-respect
• Self-discipline
• Compassion
• Progression
• Positivity
• etc.

Having a list like this to reference will give you an opportunity to consciously invoke your handpicked traits/behaviors in place of doing something random simply for the purpose of external validation.  While it may sound overly simplistic, most people never take the time to actually decide what is important to them when it comes to their self-image – they let others decide for them. (Read The Gifts of Imperfection.)

5.  Let go of your ‘end of the world’ thinking.

All variations of worrying, including worrying about rejection, thrive on ‘end of the world’ thinking.  In other words, our emotions convince us that an undesirable outcome results in annihilation.

• What if they don’t like me?
• What if he rejects me?
• What if I don’t fit in and I’m left sitting alone at the party?
• etc.

None of these things result in the end of the world, but if we convince ourselves that they do, we will irrationally fear these outcomes and give our fears control over us.  The truth is, we – human beings – are inefficient at accurately predicting how future misfortune will make us feel.  In fact, most of the time we avoid consciously thinking about it all together, which only perpetuates our subconscious fears.

So ask yourself: “If disaster should strike, and my fear of being rejected comes true, what are three constructive ways I could cope and move forward with my life?”

Sit down and tell yourself a story (write it down too if it helps) about how you will feel after rejection, how you will allow yourself to be upset for a short while, and then how you will begin the process of growing from the experience and moving on.  Just doing this exercise will help you to feel less fear around the possibility of someone thinking poorly of you.  And you’ll gradually begin to realize…

What other people think of you really doesn’t matter that much.

Afterthoughts

You don’t need a standing ovation or a bestseller or a promotion or a million bucks.  You have nothing to prove.  You are enough right now.  Go ahead and meditate on that for a minute…

YOU ARE ENOUGH RIGHT NOW.

Care less about who you are to others and more about who you are to yourself.  You will have less heartaches and disappointments the minute you stop seeking from others the validation only YOU can give yourself.

The floor is yours…

How has worrying about what other people think interfered with your life?  What has it stopped you from doing?  How have you coped?&nbsp

; Leave a comment below and share your insights with us.

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12 Toxic Beliefs You Need Out of Your Mind

WRITTEN BY: MARC CHERNOFF

What we can or can’t do, what we consider possible or impossible, is rarely a function of our strengths or intelligence.  It’s often a function of our beliefs about who we are.

“The drummer in our band, Nick, is legally deaf, and has been since he was born.  But he can still hear low bass tones and feel the vibrations from the drums and other instruments.  Honestly, he’s such an incredible drummer that most people don’t believe he’s deaf.  Sometimes I can’t believe it myself.”

Those inspiring lines come right out of a live chat conversation I had this morning with Amber, one of our newest course members (she gave me permission to share this with you here).  Amber is an ER nurse by profession, but moonlights as the lead singer in a renowned local jazz band in New Orleans on Friday and Saturday nights.  And as you can tell, her drummer, Nick, is one of her greatest inspirations.

Later on in our chat session, Amber said, “You know, I hate to admit it, but I envy Nick.  I really do!  I mean, I know I could be almost as amazing as him, in so many walks of life, if I could just silence the voices in my head.”

“What voices,” I asked.

“You know, the voices constantly telling me that I’m not good enough, that I don’t have enough, that it’s too late for me, that the naysayers are always right and I’m always wrong, and so forth,” she said.

And as she got deeper into things, we ended up cutting our chat session short and jumping on the phone to flesh things out and get her thinking back on track.

But the truth is, she’s not the only one who feels this way.  Over the past decade Angel and I have coached thousands of people from around the world, with vastly different lifestyles and socioeconomic backgrounds, and most of them suffer from the same exact toxic beliefs Amber does.  So today, I want to build upon my recent article on self-limiting beliefs and share some of these with you – 12 of the most common toxic beliefs we see our coaching clients and course members struggle with, time and time again (see if you can identify with any of them):

Reminder:  Have you checked out our book?  We just released a new bundle pack for “1,000 Little Things Happy, Successful People Do Differently” which includes our eBook, audio book, paperback and bonus material on sale for a big discount.  Click here to check it out!

1. “I’m not good enough.” – Embrace all of yourself.  When you appreciate your flaws and faults, they lose their power over you.  Too many people overvalue what they are not and undervalue what they are.  Don’t be one of them.  What you experience in life starts with your perception.  In almost every case, nothing is stopping you… nothing is holding you back but your own thoughts about yourself and “how life is.”  Your perception creates your beliefs.  Your beliefs create your behaviors.  And your behaviors produce your experience.
2. “I missed my chance.” – The truth is, every moment gives you a new beginning and a new ending.  You get a second chance, every second.  And your next chance is happening right NOW.  Therefore, it’s a choice… To be positive and free or to be imprisoned by your own negativity.  To live in the past or to be hopeful about the present.  (Read The Book of Awakening.)
3. “I have nothing to smile about right now.” – Even in the most peaceful surroundings, the ungrateful heart finds trouble.  Even in the most troublesome surroundings, the grateful heart finds peace.  Remember this.  There is always, always, always something to be grateful for.  And being positive in a negative situation is not naive; it’s a sign of leadership and strength.  You’re doing it right when you have so much to cry and complain about, but you prefer to smile and appreciate your life instead.  If you’re struggling with this, start by being grateful for all the problems you do NOT have.  Let go of the need to complain about life, and spend more moments actually living its beauty.  Change the phrase “I have to” to “I get to.”  So many things we complain about are things others wish they had the chance to do.
4. “My life should be easier.” – If it wasn’t for the struggle you wouldn’t have the strength.  Life is always building you up even when it seems like it’s breaking you down.  No matter what happens, just do your best and make the best of it.  You won’t enjoy your life if you don’t enjoy your challenges.  Great challenges make life interesting, and overcoming them makes life meaningful.
5. “I’m too tired… I’ll do it later.” – “Later” is a façade.  Give up, give in, or give it all you’ve got right now.  Make a decision.  But don’t just sit around overthinking everything and doing absolutely nothing.  Action expresses priorities.  Write it.  Work it.  Research it.  Publish it.  Mix it, sauté it, whatever…  MAKE it happen today!
6. “I don’t have enough time.” – We all have the same 24 hours a day, which means you have just as much time as those successful, hardworking people you envy and admire.  So keep this universal law of happiness and success in mind: What you pay attention to grows – focus on what matters and let go of what does not. 
7. “I have too many required obligations.” – We all have obligations, but the reality is some people will be disappointed no matter what you do.  So check-in with yourself first.  The more you say “no” to things that don’t matter to you, the easier it is to say “yes” to things that do.  You’re not a bad person if you have to let some people down.  Just breathe.  Show yourself some love.  We can’t do everything for everyone in every situation.  Do what you can when it aligns with your values, and do it with a cheerful heart.
8. “I need a guarantee before I begin.” – You don’t need guarantees on everything in life, because that’s not how life works.  Embrace uncertainty!  You can be comfortable or courageous, but not both at once.  Remember this!  Stretch yourself!  Don’t let fear decide your future.  Some of the most incredible chapters of your life won’t have a title you feel comfortable with until much later.
9. “People don’t get me because I’m different.” – When we’re different, sometimes we don’t see the dozens of people who accept us for who we are; all we notice are the few who don’t.  Realize this and never let the negative naysayers crowd your better judgment.  When you receive negative feedback, keep in mind that it doesn’t matter how many people don’t get you, it matters how many do.  Learn how to take criticism seriously, but not personally.  The way most people feel is because of them, not you.  So much hurt, disappointment and sadness in our lives comes from our taking things personally.  In most cases it’s far more productive and healthy to let go of other people’s good or bad opinion of you, and to operate with your own intuition and wisdom as your guide.
10. “I don’t deserve to be treated any better.” – Remember, we set the standard for how we want to be treated.  Your relationships are reflections of the relationship you have with yourself.  (Read The Mastery of Love.)
11. “It’s not the right thing to do, but it’s OK if I can get away with it.” – The key is to do the right thing, ALWAYS, even if no one will ever know.  Because YOU will know.  And that changes everything in the long run.
12. “My life is boring.” – This one is a bit more general, but if you’re bored, you haven’t been looking at life closely enough.  Get up and open your awareness.  Be clenched and curious… not waiting for inspiration’s shove or society’s kiss on your forehead.  Pay attention to what’s happening around you and within you.  It’s all about paying attention.  Because attention is vitality.  It connects you with opportunities.  It makes you eager and teachable.  Stay eager and teachable, always.  Growth is never boring.

Afterthoughts

Almost everything that happens to you in the long run is a direct reflection of what you believe about yourself in the short-term.  In other words, you can’t possibly outperform your level of self-esteem.  You can’t draw from yourself more than you think you’re worth.

What you believe either weakens you or makes you stronger.

The foundation of a happy, successful life is not a set of achievements or a combination of external factors…

It is a mindset.

Lifelong happiness and success is simply an attitude that comes from a framework of powerful beliefs and empowering thoughts.  Because what you think and believe about your life largely determines how you feel (your attitude), what actions you take (your behavior), and what you achieve (the end result.)

Your turn…

If you can relate to any of the toxic beliefs mentioned in this post, remember, you are not alone.  We all have unhealthy thoughts and tendencies buried deep within us that have the potential to occasionally creep up in our minds.  The key is awareness – recognizing these beliefs and working through them before they work their way into your daily routines.

So, which of these toxic beliefs sometimes creep up in your mind?  How do you cope?  Leave a comment below and share your thoughts and insights with us.

Photo by: Lauren Rushing  

10 Things You Must Give Up to Get Yourself Back on Track

POST WRITTEN BY: ANGEL CHERNOFF

If you want to grow and move on to better things, you have to give up the things that hold you back.

Last night, Marc and I received a new thank you email from a longtime reader and coaching client named Kevin (we’re writing about him today with his consent).  He said our book and life coaching sessions helped him and his wife Laura maintain a positive, intentional mindset as they struggled and grew through one of the most difficult periods of their lives.  Certain sections of his email nearly moved me to tears:

“As you know, after injuring my back, losing my job because of it, being evicted from our apartment, moving in with Laura’s parents, nursing my five-year-old through a nearly fatal bout of strep throat, I was stuck in a tragic rut for far too long.  And I was sitting on the front porch of my in-law’s house feeling sorry for myself, yet again, when my old college buddy called me crying and said, ‘Mel-Mel-Melissa, my baby girl, just died in a car wreck.’  And suddenly I felt like the lucky one.”

Kevin then went on to say, “It was the shock of my friend’s tragic loss that motivated me to review four pages of notes I had previously taken from both your book and our most recent coaching sessions.  And this time your wisdom sunk in!  Suddenly a light bulb illuminated in my mind – and it literally changed my entire outlook from negative to positive.  I suddenly realized there were people who needed me to get back up, and infinite reasons and ways to do my very best with what I had.  So I started giving up all the negative things I was thinking and doing that had been holding me back; and then I took a bold step forward, and another, and another.  And it’s been almost a year now, and I’m happy to say you were right!”

If you can relate to Kevin’s situation in any way, and you’re ready to move forward, I want to remind you that TODAY is the first day of the rest of your life.  The road ahead is wide open.  You CAN get yourself back on track!

But first, you have to…

1. Give up pretending that you have to be who you used to be. – When times get tough, our worst battle is often between what we remember and what we presently feel.  Thus, one of the hardest decisions you will ever have to make is when to stay put and struggle harder or when to take your memories and move on.  Sometimes you have to step outside of the person you’ve been, and remember the person you were meant to be, the person you are capable of being, and the person you truly are today.
2. Give up berating yourself for everything you aren’t. – Being kind to yourself in thoughts, words and actions is as important as being kind to others.  Extend yourself this courtesy.  Love yourself – your real self.  Work through your fears (dive deep), your insecurities (speak honestly and loudly), and your anger (scream into the pillow – not into the mirror, nor the people you care about; they don’t deserve it.)  Instead of hurting yourself by hiding from your problems, help yourself grow beyond them.  That’s what self-care is all about.  It’s about facing the inner issues that make you believe that you are less than you are.  It’s learning to see that you are already beautiful.  Not because you’re blind to your shortcomings, but because you know they have to be there to balance out your strengths. (Read A Return to Love.)
3. Give up regretting, and holding on to, what happened in the past. – When you stay stuck in regret of the life you think you should have had, you end up missing the beauty of what you do have.  Not all the puzzle pieces of life will seem to fit together at first, but in time you’ll realize they do, perfectly.  So thank the things that didn’t work out, because they just made room for the things that will.  And thank the ones who walked away from you, because they just made room for the ones who won’t.  As they say, every new beginning comes from another beginning’s end.
4. Give up getting caught up in the negativity surrounding you. – To be positive in negative times is not just foolish optimism.  It is based on the fact that human history is a history not only of tragedy, but also of success, sacrifice, courage, kindness, and growth.  What we choose to emphasize in this complex history will determine how well we live.  If we look only for the worst, it destroys our capacity to do our best work.  If we remember those times and places – and there are many – in which people have behaved magnificently, and things have gone well, this gives us the energy to act, and at least the possibility of sending this spinning world in a different direction.  And if we do act, in however small a way, we don’t have to sit around and wait for some grandiose and perfect future.  The future is an infinite succession of presents, and to live right now as we think we should live, in defiance of all the negativity around us, is in itself an amazing victory.
5. Give up thinking that everyone else has it so much easier than you. – When times get really tough, remember this simple truth: Nothing that’s worthwhile is ever easy.  And when you’re struggling with something that’s important to you, and you feel like your life isn’t fair, look at all the people around you and realize that every single person you see is struggling with something, and to them, it’s just as hard as what you’re going through.
6. Give up wanting to be where others are in life. – Stop comparing where you’re at with where everybody else is.  It doesn’t move you farther ahead, improve your situation, or help you find happiness.  It just fuels feelings of inadequacy and shame, and ultimately keeps you stuck.  The truth is, there is no one correct path in life.  A path that’s right for someone else won’t necessarily be a path that’s right for you.  And that’s OK.  Your journey isn’t right or wrong, or good or bad – it’s just different.  Your life isn’t meant to look exactly like anyone else’s because you aren’t exactly like anyone else.  You’re a person all your own with a unique set of goals, obstacles, dreams, and needs.  So stop comparing and start living.  You may not always end up where you intend to go, but you will eventually arrive precisely where you need to be.  Trust that you are in the right place at the right time, right now.  And trust yourself to make the best of it. (Read The Untethered Soul.)
7. Give up letting the judgments of strangers control you. – People know your name, not your story.  They’ve heard what you’ve done, but don’t understand what you’ve been through.  So take their opinions of you with a grain of salt.  In the end, it’s not what others think, it’s what you think about yourself that counts.  Sometimes you have to do exactly what’s right for you and your life, without giving a darn what your life looks like to everyone who doesn’t even know you.
8. Give up letting toxic relationships bring you down on a daily basis. – Not all toxic relationships are agonizing and uncaring on purpose.  Some of them involve people who care about you – people who have good intentions, but are toxic because their needs and way of existing in the world force you to compromise yourself and your happiness.  They aren’t inherently bad people, but they aren’t the right people to be spending time with every day.  And as hard as it is, we have to distance ourselves enough to give ourselves space to live.  You simply can’t ruin yourself on a daily basis for the sake of someone else.  You have to make your well-being a priority.  Whether that means breaking up with someone, loving a family member from a distance, letting go of a friend, or removing yourself from a situation that feels painful – you have every right to leave and create some healthy space for yourself. 
9. Give up over-thinking and worrying about everything. – When your fears and anxieties have you looking too deep into things, it creates problems – it doesn’t fix them.  If you think and you think and you think, you will think yourself right out of happiness a thousand times over, and never once into it.  Worrying doesn’t take away tomorrow’s troubles, it takes away today’s peace and potential.  And life is too short for that.
10. Give up believing you aren’t strong enough to take another step forward. – It’s always possible to go on, no matter how impossible it seems.  In time, the grief (the lessons) may not go away completely, but after awhile it’s not so overwhelming.  So breathe…  You’re going to be OK.  Remember that you’ve been in this place before.  You’ve been this uncomfortable and restless and afraid, and you’ve survived.  Take another breath and know that you can survive this time too.  These feelings can’t break you.  They’re painful and draining, but you can sit with them and eventually, they will pass.  Maybe not immediately, but sometime soon they’re going to fade, and when they do you’ll look back at this moment and laugh for having doubted your resilience.

Closing Thoughts

I want to riff on the final point just a bit more…

Because the truth is, you have to KNOW that YOU ARE strong enough to take another step forward, every single day.  Feeling otherwise is just that – a feeling, not a fact!

So if you only take one point away from this post, let it be this:

The first and worst place we lose our footing is in our own heads.  If you think it’s permanent, then it’s permanent.  If you think you’re broken, then you are.  If you think you’ve reached your limits, then you have.  If you think you’ll never heal and grow, then you won’t.  You have to change your mind.  You need to see everything that’s holding you back, every obstacle, and every limitation as only temporary.

Because that’s the truth.

Your turn…

What are you holding on to right now that’s holding you back?  Is there something you need to let go of, or give up, before you can move forward again?  Leave a comment below and share your thoughts and insights?

Photo by: Hannah Webster

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7 Ways to Bounce Back from Life’s Inevitable Setbacks

POST WRITTEN BY: MARC CHERNOFF

It’s your choice…  To be positive and free or to be imprisoned by your own negativity.  To live in the past or to be hopeful about the present.

Full disclosure: I set myself a challenge recently, and I’ve been failing at it.

To help motivate a private coaching group Angel and I have been working with, I set a goal to exercise for one hour every day for 90 days straight.  I chose this lofty goal because several of the group members struggled with motivating themselves to get to the gym.  They were inspired by my willingness to stretch my limits.

But I’ve struggled far more than I had anticipated.  With a business to run, clients to serve, a baby in the house, family occasions, and travel, I’ve missed three days in the first month.

It’s such a minor setback, but it’s made me feel a little depressed at times.

Now, as you may know from previous posts, Angel and I have had much bigger setbacks in the past: losing breadwinning jobs, failed business ventures, financial turmoil, having our possessions wiped out by a hurricane, losing siblings and best friends to illness, health issues, and so forth.

What recently caught me off guard, however, is that all these larger setbacks from my past felt somewhat similar to this much smaller setback I’m dealing with now.  This may seem odd at first, but the truth is all setbacks, big and small, burden us in the same ways:

• Our ideals and expectations don’t materialize. – When we start a new project, a new habit, a new business, a new relationship, etc., we have a picture in our heads about how this venture is going to play out once we get started.  This idea often turns out to be entirely inaccurate.  Life does not go as planned, people don’t behave the way we expect, or we’re not as disciplined as we thought we were when we signed up.  We had a fantasy and mistook it for reality, and we’re left in disappointment.  This letdown can be really discouraging.  Our lives are not what we hoped they would be, and that hurts!
• Self-doubt overcomes us. – The setback chips away at our ego and causes us to doubt our abilities, our goals, and ultimately our self-worth.  We start asking ourselves questions like: “Why am I doing this?  Is it worth it?  Am I good enough?  Am I worthy?”  This self-doubt never helps, and is really just an additional setback compounded on top of the setback we’re already facing.
• Feelings of helplessness settle in. – Yes, it’s unfortunate that sometimes things don’t work out, but what’s even worse is being stuck in a victim mentality that prevents us from moving forward with our lives.  Because when we’re stuck feeling like a victim who can’t make it through a few small challenges, we begin to question our ability to do anything worthwhile at all.  And of course, this is just another setback.

So that’s the basics of what I’ve been going through during my recent setback.  And I’m sure you can relate.

The good news, for all of us: there’s hope.  Over the past decade Angel and I have worked with thousands of people all over the globe who, like us, struggle with setbacks of varying degrees.  Through our work, we’ve learned a lot about what works and what doesn’t when it comes to bouncing back and making progress.  So today, I hope I can save you some trouble…

Here’s what works:

1.  Accept reality and detach from fantasies.

There are two kinds of pain: pain that hurts and pain that changes you.  When you roll with life, instead of resisting it, both kinds help you grow.

To move forward in any situation, you must first accept the reality of what it is.  This acceptance provides you with an important starting point from which you can move in any direction you choose.  To deny this reality or to fight against the past will merely waste your time and energy.  To wish that things were different, or to pretend that they are, gets you nowhere.

Acceptance is letting go and allowing things to be the way they truly are.  It doesn’t mean you don’t care about improving the realities of life – it’s just realizing that the only thing you really have control over is yourself in the present moment.  This simple understanding is the foundation of acceptance, and only with acceptance can there be peace and growth in your life.

Forgiveness is a big part of this process.  Forgiveness is the acceptance of the present moment, as it is, without attachment to any other time, place or circumstance.  Almost all negativity is caused by a lack of forgiveness and denial of the present.  Unease, anxiety, guilt, tension, stress, worry, and resentment – all forms of unhealthy attachment – are caused by too much past or future, and not enough presence.

2.  Embrace who you are and all your humanness.

Self-doubt plagues us because we desperately want to be somebody we’re not.  I often want to be perfectly disciplined, for example, and when I’m not I come down hard on myself.  The key, I’ve found, is to remind myself that although not perfect, the person I am is pretty darn great.  I just need to embrace the reality that I’m not always as disciplined as I’d like to be.  And I also need to remember that I have had many successes in my life.  (Just like YOU.)

So I challenge you to walk beside me on this journey…

Accept your humanness.  You can stop pretending.  It feels good to own up to stuff – to admit that you’re human – a work in progress – a beautiful mess.  Wanting to be someone or something else is a waste of your beauty.  You’re fine.  If you feel like you aren’t, you’re blowing things out of proportion.  Having a little anxiety is fine.  Making mistakes is fine.  Being a little fearful is fine.  Your secrets are fine.  You’re a good person.  You’re intelligent.  You’re fine just the way you are.  (Read The Gifts of Imperfection.)

3.  Allow yourself to feel emotional pain, so you can grow beyond it.

Never apologize for being sensitive or emotional when life knocks you down hard.  There’s no reason to be ashamed for feeling something or for expressing pain if it’s real to you.  It’s a sign that you have a big heart, and that you aren’t afraid to be honest about it.  Showing your emotions is a sign of human strength.  The people who judge you for being human, and not being modest, emotionless, and “in line,” are the ones who need to apologize.

By trying to hide your pain, and not wanting to feel bad, you make your bad feelings worse.  But by allowing yourself to feel bad, and realizing we all feel bad sometimes, you give yourself space to deal with the truth.  So give yourself this space, and embrace it.  Too many people want to feel happy all the time, and positive every single second, but that’s not reality.  We all feel bad sometimes, and that’s OK.  When you accept this, and embrace the growing pains of living, you rise above the pain.  It happens, then it fades, and you’re stronger than you were before.

4.  Remind yourself that everything in life is temporary.

Your big breakthrough will come when you recognize that all your inadequacies, all your limitations, and all your failings, losses and setbacks, are only temporary.  And once they pass in the real world, they’re prolonged existence is simply an artificial reality you cling to with your thoughts.

Yes, there may be pain and uncertainty for a while, but it never lasts forever.  Time heals.  Even when Angel and I unexpectedly lost loved ones to illnesses, feelings of depression would come and go for months, but eventually it went away.  It’s easy to get caught up in a bad situation and think, “The world is over!” But actually, this bad feeling and situation are just passing clouds.  They’re just part of an ever-changing experience, and while it’s not always pleasant, it will pass like everything else has passed.  Life doesn’t stop for anyone.

So don’t allow your temporary wounds to permanently transform you into someone you aren’t.  A strong person is not the one who doesn’t cry.  A strong person is the one who cries for a moment openly, and then gets up and fights again for what they believe in.  (Read A New Earth.)

5.  Find gratitude in the present moment.

This always sounds at bit cliché – promoting gratitude as a universal solution – but the reason it’s always mentioned is because it works.  Every time.

Even after a loved one passes, the actual present reality of our lives without this loved one isn’t unbearable unless we compare it to the impossible fantasy of them still being alive.  The reality is, we still have our own lives and our health and passions to explore… we still have other wonderful family members and friends who love us… and that’s just the start of things to be grateful for.  Now, this reality isn’t always full of happiness – sometimes it has unpleasantness – but you can embrace that too, instead of wishing it matched up with a stressful fantasy.

So keep your head up.  Take a deep breath and be grateful for everything that remains and everything that’s growing stronger in your life.  When it feels like everything is falling apart, remind yourself that you can either let it define you, destroy you, or let it strengthen you.

When you finally let go of what did or didn’t happen, something equally as amazing comes along.  And oftentimes what you’re looking for comes when you’re not looking at all.  Gratitude will help you discover it.

6.  Clear the unnecessary clutter and complications standing in your way.

As Einstein once said, “Out of clutter, find simplicity; from discord, find harmony; in the middle of difficulty, lies opportunity.”

Sometimes we make life more complicated than it is.  We attach our happiness to achievement and then look for it in all the wrong ways and in all the wrong places.  Of course, you don’t have to live like this.  If you feel like you are, it’s time to simplify things.  It’s time to clear the air and get back to the basics.

Simplifying is not seeing how little you can get by with – that’s poverty – but how efficiently you can put first things first, and use your time accordingly to pursue the things that make a difference and mean the most to you.  Less truly is more.  Instead of adding, improve your life by subtracting.  Get rid of unnecessary clutter, negative influences and toxic relationships.  There’s a big difference between what you want and what you need, between what’s excessive and what’s essential. 

7.  Reach out and help people.

Our setbacks are often mostly about us, wallowing in our own self-pity.  This doesn’t sound great, but we all do it almost every day to a small extent without noticing it.  When you catch yourself doing this, know that the best antidote is to get outside yourself, stop being self-centered, and re-focus on the people around you.  Try to find a way to help someone else.  It will inevitably, infallibly, make you feel better.

When we realize that helping others is the key to realizing our own happiness, it saves us a lot of trouble.

Truth be told, the closest thing to being cared for is to care for others.  We are all in this together and we should treat each other as such.  Use your voice for kindness, your ears for compassion, and your hands for charity, always.  No exercise is better for your heart and mind than reaching down and helping others up.  Happiness and success in life doesn’t come through selfishness, but through selflessness.  The best way to feel alive on down days is to get up and do something positive for the folks around you.

And remember, you don’t need a reason to help someone.  Just do it.  The reason will come to you.

Closing Thoughts

In my present situation, with this small setback I’m struggling with, I’ve started off by doing my best to embrace the reality of ME and my humanness, and the reality unfolding all around me.

And over the last several days I’ve also opened my awareness to passing strangers who are struggling, just to see how I can help them.  After all, that’s why I committed myself to that 90-day workout challenge in the first place.  Not because I’m super-human or super-disciplined, but because struggling with it might teach me something that will help someone else through their struggles.

So, if you’re struggling with a setback today, know that you’re not alone.  I’m right here with you, struggling – we’re in this together.  And this too will pass.  We’ll get through it.  And this ‘getting through’ will make us stronger.  It isn’t easy now, and it may take us awhile, but it will be worth it in the end.

Your turn…

What helps you persevere and bounce back from life’s setbacks?  How do you motivate yourself through difficult situations on a daily basis?  Leave a comment below and share your thoughts and insights?

Photo by: Daniel Smith

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3 Ways to Make Your Life Simple and Successful Again

POST WRITTEN BY: MARC CHERNOFF

“There is no greatness where there is not simplicity, goodness, and truth.”
―Leo Tolstoy

We all have days, weeks, months and – for some – even years of feeling anxious and overwhelmed with the work we have yet to do.  It’s an elusive feeling that aches from deep within.  From the outside, people think you have it all together, but they can’t see what’s going on in your head.  Stress fills your thoughts and emotions all too often, nagging at you throughout the day.  You have so many things to do and they never seem to get done.  You always feel a day late and a buck short.  The pressure is intense and overwhelming.

Consider an email I got today from a reader named Gale:

“…the older I get the harder it is to feel peaceful and successful.  I’m a wife and a working mom of two, and the thing is, I know I’d feel happier and more effective if my family and I didn’t have so many extra curricular obligations.  But we do.  I have a weekend job where I teach and lead a youth group my daughter is enrolled in, I help my husband coach our son’s soccer team, I lead a prayer group at my church, and the list goes on and on.

Right now, the only way to get everything done is to sleep less and hustle more, but I’ve noticed that I feel sick and can’t really do things well when I haven’t gotten enough sleep.  And I want to take care of my health as well, so I’ve been sleeping eight full hours for the last few nights.  And inevitably, now I’m terribly behind on everything again.”

I can relate all too well, because that’s exactly how Angel and I felt before we started simplifying our lifestyle.  We were being pulled in dozens of different directions every day and never had enough time to get everything done.  Naturally, we wanted to do a great job with each obligation we had, and somehow we had convinced ourselves that we could do it all.  But the reality was we were stretched way too thin, and thus we were doing a lousy job at everything and completely stressing ourselves out in the process.

So to Gale, and to everyone else who feels this way, here’s the harsh truth you’ve been avoiding:

You CANNOT do it all.  Your plate is too full.  You have to let some things GO!

Unless you want your health to decline and your stress to continue to skyrocket, you must start doing three key things:

1.  Decide what you would put back on your plate if you could wipe it clean.

Our lives get incredibly complicated, not overnight, but gradually.  The complications creep up on us, one small step at a time.

Today I order a few things on Amazon, tomorrow someone gives me a birthday present, then I get excited and I enroll in a free giveaway at church… and I win, so then I decide I need a new six-foot cabinet to store my growing pile of stuff.  One item at a time, the clutter builds up in my space, because I keep adding new things without purging the old.

And the cycle continues in all walks of life too…

Today I say yes to a Facebook party invitation, tomorrow I say yes when a neighbor asks me to help him move a couch, then I get asked to a quick lunch meeting, then I decide to volunteer at my son’s youth group.  One yes at a time, and soon my life is too busy and complicated and I don’t know where I went wrong.

And because I’m feeling stressed, I distract myself…

I read a couple articles on CNN.com, then I flip over to social media, then my email, and then I check my phone and watch a video of my nephew that my sister-in-law texted… and soon another day is gone, and I didn’t get anything done, and my life gets eaten away one little bite at a time, and I feel overwhelmed with what’s left undone.

How do we protect against this vicious cycle?

We have to take a step back on a regular basis and reevaluate what we have on our plate and why.

Instead of thinking, “Oh my gosh, there’s too much on my plate!” … let’s ask, “What if I started over again with a clean plate?”

What would you do if your schedule was empty?  If your plate were completely clean, with limited space, what would you put on it today?

For me, I might add some quiet, focused writing time; play time with my son; exercise time and tea time with Angel; a long lunchtime walk and a good afternoon talk with an old friend I haven’t spoken to in awhile; a couple short activities that matter to me and make a difference to others; reading and learning time; and time alone to think, meditate and unwind before bed.

Those are the things that I’d put on my clean plate (and now those are the things I DO have on my plate) because they feel right to me.

What would you choose to put on yours?

Once you’ve figured that out, you know what belongs on your plate.  And now you just need to constantly look at invitations and activities and requests and tasks that pop up, and ask: “Is this one of the things I would choose to put on my clean plate?”

And to help reinforce your decisions, you need to…

2.  Learn to say “NO” when you don’t want something new on your plate.

Saying yes to everything puts you on the fast track to being miserable.  Feeling like you’re doing busywork is often the result of saying yes too often.  We all have obligations, but a comfortable pace can only be found by properly managing your yeses.  So stop saying “yes” when you want to say “no.”  You can’t always be agreeable; that’s how people take advantage of you.   Sometimes you have to set clear boundaries.

You might have to say no to certain favors, or work projects, or community activities, or committees, or volunteer groups, or coaching your kid’s sports team, or some other seemingly worthwhile activity.

I know what you’re thinking – it seems unfair to say no when these are very worthwhile things to do.  It kills you to say no.  But you must.

Because the alternative is that you’re going to do a half-hearted, poor job at each one, be stressed beyond belief, and feel like you’re stuck in an endless cycle of failure and frustration.  You won’t be getting enough sleep, your focus will get worse and worse due to exhaustion, and eventually you’ll reach a breaking point. (Read The Power of Less.)

So remember, the only thing that keeps so many of us stuck in this debilitating cycle is the fantasy in our minds that we can be everything to everyone, everywhere at once, and a hero on all fronts.  But again, that’s not reality.  The reality is we’re not Superman or Wonder Woman – we’re human, and we have limits.  We have to let go of this idea of doing everything and pleasing everyone and being everywhere at once.  You’re either going to do a few things well, or do everything poorly.  That’s the truth.

And that’s a perfect segway to the next point…

3.  Focus on no more than three things every day.

You might have more than three things on your plate, but that doesn’t mean you should try to chew on them all at once.  In fact, in a perfect world you’d find complete focus and do only one thing well for a prolonged period of time.  You’d pick one really important item from your plate, say no to all the rest, and focus on just this one thing.  This might be a project at work, a family obligation, or a charitable cause … but just one thing.  You’d learn to do it well, you’d improve more and more every day, you’d serve people exceptionally with your masterful skill, and you wouldn’t be stressed out with juggling obligations.

However, that’s not the way life works.  In most cases we can’t pare things down to one thing, so that’s why you pick two or three.  After coaching thousands of people over the past decade, Angel and I have found that the average person can do two or three things well every day, (and one thing really well).  With two or three focuses, you won’t be as concentrated, won’t learn as deeply, but it’s doable.  With four or five focuses, you won’t do anything well or learn anything deeply or serve anyone exceptionally.  And you will be stressed out.

So start paring down to two or three things: Wake up every morning and figure out what the most important two or three things are for the day, and cut out the rest.  Be ruthless.  Address your other obligations right then and there, and tell the associated people that you really want to help, but your plate is full.  You can’t serve them well today, so regretfully you must say “no.”

And when you’re down to two or three things, it’s best to give each some allotted time.  So a few hours for one, and then a few hours for another, etc.  Instead of being in a stressful task-switching state of mind, just take your next task, let everything else go, and just be in the moment with this one task for the allotted time.

Do this, and you will notice a difference.

Because life is not complicated.  We are complicated.  When we stop trying to doing everything at once, life becomes simple again, and we become successful again, one sane moment at a time. 

Your turn…

How full is your plate right now?  What do you need to take off of it?  Please leave a comment below and share your thoughts with us.

Photo by: Colton Witt

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3 Beliefs You Have that Hold You Back

POST WRITTEN BY: MARC CHERNOFF

You are the person you believe yourself to be.

“This afternoon I found out I had been accepted to the university of my choice with a full track and field scholarship.  Despite everything my alcoholic mother and her abusive husband put me through over the years – the hungry, sleepless nights I spent in tears due to their relentless negativity – it didn’t ruin me.  With your coaching and guidance, I’ve worked hard to get out of this mess once and for all, and it’s finally paying off.”

That’s the opening paragraph of an email we received last night from Monica, a longtime reader and junior client of ours (she gave me permission to share this with you today).  Her email then goes on to say that she has forgiven her mom and stepfather, but also knows being on her own and taking this next step is a priceless gift.  “Honestly, for far too long the people in my life had me convinced that I wasn’t good enough,” she says.  “And I have no grudges, but I’m so happy I’m able to prove to myself that they were wrong about me all along.”

Monica’s email made me pause, reflect and smile, for obvious reasons.

And although Monica’s circumstances are unique to her, I bet you can relate on some level.  I know I can.  Sometimes the pressure and dysfunction coming from family, peers, work, and society in general is enough to make us feel completely broken inside.  If we do things differently, we’re looked down upon.  If we dream big, we’re ridiculed.  Or if we don’t have the ‘right’ job, relationship, lifestyle, and so forth, by a certain age or time frame, we’re simply told that we’re not good enough.

Monica’s story truly is a perfect reminder for all of us too, even though she’s only 18, because the self-limiting beliefs that get instilled in our minds often arrive at an early age.

Maybe we got cut from a sports team as a child and thus determined “I’m not athletic enough to be fit and good at sports.”  Or we tried to play a musical instrument and were told to practice outside because we weren’t very good.

For whatever reason, we encounter seemingly insignificant moments that drastically alter our mindset for years to come.  It happens something like this:

• We hear we’re bad at something, or we have a bad experience with something.
• We avoid trying again for a prolonged period of time, because we want to avoid the potential of more pain and disappointment.
• When we do try again, we try half-heartedly, so we can point to that and say, “See?  Just as I predicted… it didn’t work out.”
• We never improve in this area of our lives, because we never commit to doing so.
• It becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy, and we’re left feeling ‘not good enough’ every day thereafter.

Sound familiar?

Well I’m here to tell you that it’s time to break yourself out of this cycle!

How?

By identifying your self-limiting beliefs and proving to yourself that these beliefs are wrong!

Here are the three most common self-limiting beliefs we see our coaching clients and course members struggle with (see if you can identify with any of them):

1.  “Those haters are right about me.”

Don’t let rude people ruin you.  No matter how much negativity is thrown at you by others, there is absolutely no need for you to stay put and partake in the decay they choose for their own lives.  YOU decide how your soul grows.

Because the truth is, what people say and do to you is much more about them, than you.  People’s reactions to you are about their perspectives, wounds and experiences.  Whether people think you’re amazing, or believe you’re the worst, again, is more about them.  I’m not suggesting we should be narcissists and ignore all feedback.  I am saying that so much hurt, disappointment and sadness in our lives comes from our taking things personally.  In most cases it’s far more productive and healthy to let go of other people’s good or bad opinion of you, and to operate with your own intuition and wisdom as your guide.

So stay out of other people’s drama and don’t needlessly create your own.  Instead, imagine what would happen if you spent this entire day, and every day hereafter, with all your energy directed toward your most positive possibilities.  Rather than being annoyed, be amused.  Instead of getting angry, get away.  Life is too short to argue, fight or be negative in any way.  Count your blessings and move on from the drama with your head held high.  (Read The Four Agreementsfor more on this.)

2.  “It’s important that all my family and friends approve of my goals.”

Most of us are not raised to actively seek our calling.  We may not even know that we have one.  As kids, we are seldom told we have a place in life that is uniquely ours alone.  Instead, we are encouraged to believe that our life should somehow fulfill the expectations of others – that we should find our happiness exactly as they have found theirs.

Rather than being taught to ask ourselves who we are, we are trained to ask others for permission.  We are, in effect, schooled to live other people’s versions of our lives.  Every day is designed and developed as told to us by someone else.  And then one day when we break free to survey our dreams, seeking to fulfill ourselves, we see that most of our dreams have gone unfulfilled because we believed, and those around us believed, that what we wanted for ourselves was somehow beyond our reach.

It’s time to unlearn these lies and make changes.  It takes courage to grow wiser and become who you really are.  And today is the first day of the rest of your life.

3.  “They can do it, but that doesn’t apply to me.”

Just because someone else can, doesn’t mean you can, right?  Because you’re not good enough, or you’ve missed your chance, etc.  You look for reasons they can do it but you can’t – maybe he’s an internet entrepreneur or freelance writer because he has no kids.  Maybe she’s way fitter than I am, so she can run a marathon.  Maybe she doesn’t have all the work and family obligations I have, or has a supportive spouse, or doesn’t have bad knees.

OK, fine, it’s easy to find excuses: but look at all the other people who also have considerable obstacles and have done it anyway.  Angel and I have a family, and have dealt with significant loss in our lives, and still managed to succeed on many fronts.  And just as we’ve turned things around for ourselves, we know hundreds of other people who’ve done the same.  Through a decade of life coaching, we’ve witnessed people reinventing themselves at all ages – 48-year olds starting families, 57-year-olds graduating from college for the first time, 71-year-olds starting successful businesses, and so forth.  And stories abound of people with disabilities or illnesses who overcame their obstacles to achieve great things.

Your obstacles can be overcome!

Feeling stuck is a FEELING, not a fact.  So never assume that you’re stuck with the way things are.  Life changes, and so can you.  It’s never too late to live a life that makes you proud.  If you don’t learn anything else from this post, learn that.   There’s no age limit on changing your course.   

Taking the Next Step

Whatever it is you want to improve in your life, start struggling with it for 30 minutes EVERY SINGLE DAY, and keep an eye out for EVERY tiny victory along your journey, no matter how hard you have to scrape, fight, and claw for it.  Then, consistently remind yourself of these victories – keep them at the forefront of your mind, and use them as motivation to take the next step, and the next.

And when you catch yourself thinking “I’m not good enough,” remind yourself that depending on what people around you expected of you as a child, or what you have expected of yourself all your life, you have been subtly molded into who ‘YOU’ are.  And a great deal of this molding has been driven directly by external and internal negativity about what is and isn’t possible for you.

But the truth is, what’s possible for you is up to YOU right NOW!

If you’re still not convinced, I want you to think about ONE self-limiting belief you have.  It can be about any part of your life you hope to change – your health, your weight, your career, your relationships – anything at all.  What’s one thing you’ve essentially decided is a fact about your place on Earth?

And then I want you to immediately shift gears and think about ONE time, one fleeting moment, in which the opposite of that ‘fact’ was true for you.  I don’t care how tiny of a victory it was, or even if it was a partial victory.  What’s one moment in time you can look back on and say, “Hey, that was totally unlike ‘me’ – but I did it!”?

• Ran a 5K for charity
• Lost weight and kept it off
• Was the life of the party
• Spoke up when you had something to say
• Stood up for yourself
• Felt loved
• Approached a guy/girl, and didn’t fall on your face
• Learned a new skill
• Had a good idea that worked
• etc.

Once you identify the cracks in the wall of a self-limiting belief, you can start attacking it.  You can start taking steps forward every day that go against it – tiny victories, more confidence, gradual momentum, bigger victories, even more confidence, and so on.

Until your thoughts and reality change for good.

Your Turn…

I want to revisit the question I asked above: What’s one self-limiting belief that has held you back?  Leave a comment below and share your thoughts with the community.

Photo by: Brandon Grasley

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15 Things Stopping You from Moving Forward

POST WRITTEN BY: MARC CHERNOFF

In a culture that seeks quick results, we must learn the beauty of effort, patience, and perseverance.

Be strong, present, and steadfast.

Have you ever told yourself that you’re going to make something happen and then nothing happened?  That’s because you didn’t follow-through.  You didn’t have the right rituals in place – little things you do each day that build up and gradually condition your body and mind to make things happen.

Rituals define you.  All the results in your life come from your rituals.

If you’re out of shape and overweight, you have different rituals than someone who’s physically fit.  If you’re fit, you jump out of bed early every morning and sweat before preparing a healthy breakfast.  If you’re out of shape, you sleep in and eat whatever is fastest and easiest.

This may be a bit of a generalization, but it’s not far from the truth for the average able-bodied person.

In all walks of life, you don’t suddenly become successful.  You become successful over time from all the little things you do every day.

Failure occurs in the same way.  All your little daily failures (that you don’t learn and grow from) come together and cause you to fail…

• You fail to check the books.
• You fail to make the call.
• You fail to listen to your customers.
• You fail to innovate.
• You fail to push yourself to do what must be done.
• etc.

And then one day you wake up and your business has failed.  It was all the little things you did or didn’t do along the way, not just one catastrophic event.

So with this principle in mind, I want to share some weak points we’ve seen plaguing thousands of our coaching clients and course members over the past decade – little things people do every day that stop them from moving forward with their lives:

1. You change nothing and expect different results. – There’s a saying that the definition of madness is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.  If you want to improve yourself, you have to try new things to see what works and what doesn’t.  If you keep doing what you’re doing, you’ll keep getting what you’re getting.  Often the difference between a successful person and a person who struggles to implement positive changes is not one’s superior abilities, but the courage that one has to bet on one’s ideas, to take calculated risks, and to take steady steps forward.  In other words, some people sit and wait for the magic beans to arrive while the rest of us just get up and get to work.
2. You keep waiting and waiting and waiting for the right time. – You cannot wait for the perfect time; it will never come.  If you think this moment feels like the wrong time, think again.  It’s just uncertainty messing with your mind.  Most of the time you must dare to jump.  Today is the first day of a new beginning – the conception of a new life.  The next nine months are all yours.  You can do with them as you please.  Make them count.  Because a new person is born in nine months.  The only question is: Who do you want that person to be?  Right now is the right time to decide.
3. Your planning and focus are in disarray. – Do you plan your days?  Did you wake up today knowing what you wanted to accomplish?  If not, maybe it’s time you do.  Trust me, a year from now you will wish you had managed your time properly today.  What would you regret not accomplishing this year?  What would you regret doing an abysmal job at, simply because you waited until the last minute and then rushed around doing 50 things at once?  Create a plan to accomplish these things sanely, one at a time.  Planning doesn’t have to be long and tedious; it can just be a 60-second process.  Every night, think about three small things that you want to accomplish tomorrow and write them down.  When you wake up in the morning, review this list before you do anything else, and then take the first step.  If you find yourself being lured to do something that’s not on that short list of three things, bring yourself back and focus.
4. You refuse to accept necessary risks. – Living is about learning as you go.  Living is risky business.  Every decision, every interaction, every step, every time you get out of bed in the morning, you take a small risk.  To truly live is to know you’re getting up and taking that risk, and to trust yourself to take it.  To not get out of bed, clutching to illusions of safety, is to die slowly without ever having truly lived.  Think about it: If you ignore your instincts and let shallow feelings of uncertainty stop you, you will never know anything for sure, and in many ways this un-knowing will be worse than finding out your instincts were wrong.  Because if you were wrong, you could make adjustments and carry on with your life, without looking back and wondering what might have been.
5. You make the rejections of yesterday the focal point of today. – NOT believing that you CAN is the biggest trap of them all.  If you don’t know your own greatness is possible, you won’t bother attempting anything great.  All too often we let the rejections of our past dictate every move we make thereafter.  We literally do not know ourselves to be any better than what some opinionated person or narrow circumstance once told us was true.  Of course, this old rejection doesn’t mean we aren’t good enough; it means the other person or circumstance failed to align with what we have to offer.  It means we have more time to improve our thing – to build upon our ideas, to perfect our craft, and indulge deeper in to the work that moves us.  And that’s exactly what you need to do, starting now. (Read Daring Greatly.)
6. You refuse to take responsibility. – Not every event in your life is your fault, but they are all your responsibility.  A combination of your decisions and external factors for which you had no control brought you to where you are in the world today.  Negatively blaming someone else, or some other past circumstance, will change nothing.  Positively taking full responsibility for your situation and your path forward can change everything.  Leave the unchangeable past behind you as you diligently give yourself to the present moment.  In this moment is every possibility you seek.  Take responsibility for it, and bring these possibilities to life.
7. You want things to be perfect. – Every one of us is a perfectionist about something.  Learn to sense when your desire to make something perfect is preventing you from getting it done.  Realize that the idea of perfection is not only unachievable, it can destroy your otherwise productive mindset.  It will keep you running in place, feeling insane for your entire life.  If you feel like you’re running in place right now, take a break and reflect.  Think about the difference between diligent effort and perfectionism.  Know when enough is enough.  Say it out loud if you must:  “Get lost perfectionism!  Without you I am brilliant!”
8. You avoid the truth. – Personal transformation and growth can be remarkably rewarding, but only when the process of change is based on honesty and truth.  When you’re not being authentic somewhere in your life or with someone in your life, any attempt at transformation eventually leads to anger and frustration.  The truth always creeps back up on you; it does not cease to exist when you ignore it.  Being fake about any aspect of your existence slowly digs a dark void in your soul.  Life will simply not work for you if you don’t show up as YOU.  The truth may not be easy to deal with, but it will always set you free in the end.
9. You close your mind to new ideas and perspectives. – Even as you grow wiser and wiser with age you must remind yourself that an understanding is never absolutely final.  What’s currently right could easily be wrong later.  Thus, the most destructive illusion is a settled point of view.  So remember that success in life does not depend on always being right.  To make real progress you must let go of the assumption that you already have all the answers.  You can listen to others, learn from them, and successfully work with them even though you may not agree with every opinion they have.  When people respectfully agree to disagree, everyone benefits from the diversity of perspective.  (Read A New Earth.)
10. You let a few negative people fill your mind with garbage. – Of course, there will inevitably be a few people in your life who will be critical of you regardless of what you do or how well you do it.  If you say you want to be a dancer, they will discredit your rhythm.  If you say you want to build a new business, they will give you a dozen reasons why it might not work.  They somehow assume you don’t have what it takes, but they are dead wrong.  It’s a lot easier to be negative than positive – a lot easier to be critical than correct.  When you’re embarking on a new venture, instead of listening to the few critics that will try to discredit you, spend time talking to one of the millions of people in this world who are willing to support your efforts and acknowledge your potential, respectfully.
11. You keep telling yourself the wrong story. – Forget what everyone else thinks of you; chances are, they aren’t thinking about you that often anyhow.  If you feel like they always are, understand that this perception of them watching you and critiquing your every move is a complete figment of your imagination.  It’s your own inner fears and insecurities that are creating this illusion.  It’s you judging yourself that’s the problem.  You judge yourself by telling yourself a story inside of your head.  Every moment of every day you’re telling yourself this story.  You are building your future around this story, so tell it right.  Create a positive narrative about your dreams and goals that include only the circumstances that matter.  What you think others are thinking about you is not part of this narrative, and neither are your negative self-judgments.
12. You are holding on to something that’s not real. – Let go of what was never really there.  Your intuition knows what I’m referring to – the pictures in your head that go against the present reality.  Remind yourself that not everything is meant to be, and you have to accept this.  You have to seriously sit down with yourself and come to grips with the fact that you were wrong about it all along.  It was just an illusion that never really was what you thought it was.  It’s one of the most difficult realizations to accept, to realize that you feel a sense of loss, even though you never really had what you thought you had in the first place.  The key is knowing this, learning from it, letting go and taking the next step. 
13. You want and expect things to be easy. – Easy goals don’t exist.  A goal is a point of achievement that requires effort and sacrifice.  There are no esteemed ventures worth participating in that don’t require some level of effort and struggle.  Decades from now when you’re resting on your deathbed, you will not remember the days that were easy, you will cherish the moments when you rose above your difficulties and conquered goals of magnitude.  You will dream of the strength you found within yourself that allowed you to achieve what once seemed impossible.  So don’t do what’s easy, do what you’re capable of.  Astound yourself with your own greatness.
14. You have forgotten the importance of helping others, too. – It’s one of life’s great paradoxes; when you serve others you end up benefiting as much if not more than those you serve.  So if you feel stuck right now, shift your focus from your circumstances to the circumstances of those around you.  As Gandhi once said, “The best way to find yourself is to lose yourself in the service of others.”  Instead of asking, “What’s wrong with me?” ask, “How can I help you?”  Find someone who could use an extra hand and make an offer they can’t refuse.  When your focus shifts from your own confusion and difficulties, to the confusion and difficulties of others, and you see yourself making a positive difference, it fills you with a sense of meaning and illuminates a clear path to a brighter future.
15. You aren’t taking small steps every day. – Every moment of your life builds upon the next.  This moment is the bridge between the reality of where you are and the vision of where you want to be.  Reality is approaching you every second.  And the great thing is, you’re able to alter it as it arrives.  You just have to decide what you want to do with it.  The greatest of all mistakes is to do nothing simply because you can only do a little.  In fact, it is far more productive to take many small steps in the right direction than to make a giant leap only to stumble and fall and never get up again.  The path to every goal requires a hundred small steps – one after the other.  Figure out where you want to go, take a step, and keep on stepping.  Diligence and persistence will get you there.

Closing Exercise

Choose any area in your life that you want to improve, and then:

1. Write down the specific details about your current circumstances.  (What’s bothering you?  What’s wrong?  What do you want to change?)
2. Write down your answer to this question: What are the daily rituals that have contributed to your current circumstances?  (Be honest with yourself.  What are you doing that contributes to the situation you’re in?)
3. Write down the specific details about your ideal circumstances.  (What would make you happy?  What does your ideal situation look like?)
4. Write down your answer to this question:  What are the daily rituals that will get you from where you are to where you want to be?  (Think about it.  What small, daily steps will help you move forward?)

Your turn…

What has been stopping you from moving forward?  What rituals (or habits) do you want to change in your life?  Leave a comment below and share your thoughts.

Photo by: Marc Benslahdine

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