post written by: Marc Chernoff
At the end of the day, the questions we ask ourselves determine the type of people we become.
When you’ve been running a successful personal development blog and
life coaching business for the better part of a decade, one thing
becomes crystal clear:
Everyone has the same basic wants and needs.
No kidding, over the years Angel and I have gotten to know thousands
of people of different ethnic backgrounds, from different cities and
countries, who live at various socioeconomic levels, and trust me, every
one of us basically wants the same things. We want validation, love,
happiness, fulfillment, money, and hopes for a better future. The way
we pursue these needs is where things branch off, but the fundamentals
are the same.
Think about it. If I ask you, “Quickly, in one sentence, what do you
want most out of life?” I bet your rushed response is going to be
something like, “I want to be happy, and have a healthy family, and a
career I like that pays well, etc.” Your response is going to be so
common and ubiquitous that it basically doesn’t even mean anything.
Which is precisely why senseless, happy-go-lucky questions like this
aren’t very helpful. And yet, this is precisely the kind of questions
we often ask ourselves.
So what kind of questions might you ask instead? Questions that
force you into a corner. Questions that help you embrace the sacrifices
it takes to get where you want to go. Questions that motivate you to
focus on the next step forward. In other words, questions like…
- What is worth suffering for? – If you want the
benefits of something in life, you have to also want the costs. If you
want the six-pack abs, you have to want the sweat, the sore muscles, the
early mornings at the gym, and the low carb meals. If you want the
successful business, you have to also want the late nights, the risky
business deals and decisions, and the possibility of failing fifty times
to learn what you need to know to succeed. If you find yourself
wanting something month after month, year after year, yet nothing
happens and you never come any closer to it, then maybe what you
actually want is just an idealization, a fantasy, and a false promise.
Maybe you don’t actually want it at all, because you’re not willing to
suffer though the work it’s going to take to achieve it.
- Based on my daily routines and actions, where can I expect to be in five years?
– This question just backs up the first one. If you have an idea about
what you want the next chapter of your life to look like, you have to
DO things that support this idea every day. An idea, after all, isn’t
going to do anything for you until you do something productive with it.
In fact, as long as that great idea is just sitting around in your head
it’s doing far more harm than good. Your subconscious mind knows
you’re procrastinating on something that’s important to you. The
necessary work that you keep postponing causes stress, anxiety, fear,
and usually more procrastination – a vicious cycle that continues to
worsen until you interrupt it with ACTION. (Read 7 Habits of Highly Effective People
.)
- What do I need to spend more or less time doing going forward?
– Most of us spend way too much time on what is urgent and not enough
time on what is important. In other words, productivity is not just
about getting things done, it’s about getting the right things done. At
the end of each day, look at how you have spent your time, and adjust
the allocation as necessary for tomorrow. Do your best to get rid of
your schedule’s complexities so you can spend more time on the things
that matter. This means fine-tuning and eliminating all but the
essential tasks, so you are left with only the ones that add value to
your life. And above all, know when to set aside the important things
for the vital things, like family.
- In service of what? – As Viktor Frankl so
eloquently put it: “Don’t aim at success. The more you aim at it and
make it a target, the more you are going to miss it. For success, like
happiness, cannot be pursued, it must ensue, and it only does so as the
unintended side effect of one’s personal dedication to a cause greater
than one’s self.” So think bigger. Be a part of something greater than
yourself. This could be anything. Some people take an active role in
their local city council, some find refuge in their faith or family,
some join social clubs supporting causes they resonate with, and others
find passion in their careers. In each case the psychological outcome
is the same. They engage themselves in something they strongly believe
in. This engagement brings happiness, success, and meaning into their
lives.
- What am I pretending not to know? – Reality denied
always comes back to haunt. There are two ways to be fooled by your own
subconscious. One is to believe what isn’t true; the other is to
refuse to believe what is true. Both are tragic forms of self-deception,
because the person who lies to herself and listens to her own lies
comes to a point that she cannot distinguish the truth within her, or
around her, and so loses respect for herself and for others she cares
about. Don’t be this person. All possibilities open up when we stop
deceiving ourselves.
- What old rejections are still holding me back today?
– All too often we let the rejections of our past dictate every move we
make. We literally do not know ourselves to be any better than what
some opinionated person or narrow circumstance once told us was true.
Of course, an old rejection doesn’t mean we aren’t good enough; it just
means some person or circumstance from our past failed to align with
what we had to offer at the time. It means we were graced with more
time to improve our thing – to build upon our ideas, to perfect our
craft, and indulge deeper in to the work that moves us. Don’t let old
rejections take up permanent residence in your head. Kick them out on
the street.
- What do I not want others to know about me? – This
question cuts right to the heart of your insecurities. Let it remind
you that problems and flaws are a part of everyone’s life. If you try
to hide them, you don’t give the people in your life a chance to truly
know you and love you. And you allow small problems to escalate and
dominate your self-confidence. When you make a mistake, it might be
irritating, but don’t bury it. Be open about it, address it, and move
on. Our problems are really our blessings if we use them to grow
stronger. And, ultimately, the people who belong in your life will see
your problems and flaws simply as signs that you are just as human as
they are.
- Are the people around me helping me or hurting me? – A big part of who you become in life has to do with who you choose to surround yourself with. And as you know, it is better to be alone than in bad company.
You simply cannot expect to live a positive, fulfilling life if you
surround yourself with negative people. Distancing yourself from these
people is never easy, but it’s a lot harder when they happen to be close
friends or family members. As hard as it may be, it’s something you
need to address. To a certain degree, luck controls who walks into your
life, especially as it relates to your family and childhood friends,
but you decide who you spend the majority of your time with.
- How are my “shoulds” getting in the way of my “haves”?
– The desires of our ego are often in conflict with the emotions of our
heart. Find your balance between planning and presence – between
striving and appreciation. Work hard, but don’t go looking for
something better every second. You must be willing to loosen your grip
on the life you have planned so you can enjoy the life that is waiting
for you in this moment. It may not be everything you want for your
future, but it’s everything you need right now. Experience it and
appreciate it.
- What is worth smiling about right now? – As Shawn Achor describes in his book The Happiness Advantage
,
a recent scientific study showed that doctors who are put in a positive
mood before making a diagnosis consistently experience significant
boosts to their intellectual abilities than doctors in a neutral state,
which allows them to make accurate diagnoses almost 20% faster. The
same study then shifted to other vocations and found that optimistic
salespeople outsell their pessimistic counterparts by over 50%.
Students primed to feel happy before taking math tests substantially
outperform their neutral peers. So it turns out that our minds are
literally hardwired to perform at their best not when they are negative,
or even neutral, but when they are positive.
Your turn…
At any given moment, life is filled with unanswered questions, but it
is the courage to seek these answers that continues to give our lives
meaning. Honestly, you can spend your life wallowing in despair,
wondering why you were the one who was led down a road strewn with
trouble and confusion, or you can be grateful that you are strong enough
to survive it and step forward.
So with that said, which of the questions above hit home the most?
Why? Leave a comment below and share your thoughts and insights with
us.
Photo by: Marco Bellucci
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