12 Things You Should Start Making Time for Again

post written by: Marc Chernoff

This is a new day.  A new beginning.  And things will change.

Today, I was jogging on the outskirts of downtown Austin when a woman I had just passed began screaming for help.  I turned around to see that her husband had fallen to the ground and appeared unconscious.  I ran over and checked his pulse.  He had one, but he wasn’t breathing.  The woman called 911 on her mobile phone while I performed CPR on her husband.  Somehow, miraculously, I got him breathing again before the ambulance arrived.  And although I have no idea how this couple’s story will end, I’m hopeful based on positive remarks from one of the paramedics who said the husband seemed to be in stable condition.
Now I’m sitting here reflecting on the incident and, even more so, on the words the woman repeated over and over through her tears as I was attending to her husband:  “It’s not his time.  Oh please, it’s not his time.”
And in a backwards way, her words keep echoing in my mind, reminding me that life is fragile and fleeting, and that I need to start allocating my time properly again.  Life has been busy lately, and certain things have fallen by the wayside, but it’s time to revive and resume the rituals that best serve my well-being and my relationships.
I hope you will join me in…

1. Taking better care of yourself. – You are like a building with stained-glass windows.  You always shimmer and shine when the sun is out, but when darkness sets in your true magnificence is revealed only if there is light shining from within you.  It’s your duty, and yours alone, to keep your inner light shining bright.  So learn to love yourself first, instead of loving the idea of other people loving you.  Loving yourself does not mean being selfish and narcissistic, or disregarding others.  Rather, it means welcoming yourself as the most honored guest in your own heart and mind – a guest worthy of extra care and respect.  Whatever you are doing, love yourself for doing it.  Whatever you are feeling, love yourself for feeling it.  That’s a great start.
2. Getting lost in playful exploration. – Sometimes we put too much weight into trying to control every tiny aspect of our lives.  Switch gears, relax and ride the path that life takes you sometimes.  Try something new, be a bit daring, and explore your curiosity.  Letting go a little lets you experience the unexpected.  The greatest joys in life are often the unexpected surprises that you never intended to happen.  If you want to get really good at something, let go of the notion of perfection and replace it with the notion of endless playful exploration.  We don’t stop dreaming and exploring because we grow old; we grow old because we stop dreaming and exploring.  (Read The War of Art.)
3. Indulging in your passions and hobbies. – Do fall in love, not always with a person, but with an aim, an ambition, a passion.  If you lost everything but your mind, heart and health, what would be your reason to wake up every morning with a smile?  There’s definitely a fire burning inside you.  It’s your job to find it and keep it lit.  As we grow older, with all of our responsibilities, our passions and hobbies often seem like an indulgence.  They shouldn’t be.  They should be a requirement.  Even if you can only dedicated 20 minutes a day to something you love, DO IT.  No excuses, no regrets.
4. Spreading joy. – BE the change you want to see.  Love fearlessly and without limits.  No act of love or kindness, no matter how small, is ever wasted.  The best part of life is not just surviving, but thriving with passion, compassion, humor, generosity, and kindness, and using these tools to improve the lives of those around you.  Smile, and help others smile too.  If you don’t have the power or strength to write someone’s happiness, then try to help them remove their sadness instead.  And don’t let the numbers overwhelm you.  You can’t help everyone.  Focus on assisting one person at a time, and always start with the person closest to you.
5. Initiating long, intimate conversations with loved ones. – Death is a real challenge of life.  It tells us not to waste time.  It tells us to make time right now to tell each other that we love each other.  It tells us to stop texting and tweeting every second and actually open the floodgates to real, long, heartfelt conversations with the people we love.  Relationships flourish when two people are able to share their innermost feelings and thoughts about themselves and each other.  To be fully heard by someone, in raw form, and be adored anyhow, is what true love is.  Making time for these deep connections and conversations is worth it.
6. Listening to others without judgment. – Be selective in your battles.  Let go a bit and just listen and smile.  Most of the time being peaceful and compassionate is far better than being right – especially right off the bat in a new conversation.  So keep in mind that wisdom is not just knowing when to stand up and speak, but when to sit down and listen.  It’s about knowing that your ears will never get you in trouble, and will always give you a chance to learn something new.
7. Interacting with quality people in-person, in the flesh. – In the digital age we live in it’s all too easy to fall into the trap of sustaining our relationships through digital means only.  Although it’s nice that technology is making the world smaller and making remote relationships easier to manage, nothing can replace the intimacy of physical human connectedness.  Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a hug, a handshake, a kind pat on the back, a listening ear in a shared space, or the smallest act of caring for someone close by, all of which have the potential to turn a life around.
8. Enjoying peaceful downtime. – You deserve quiet moments away from the daily hustle, in which no problems are confronted, no solutions are explored, and no demands are being made of your time.  Schedule time every day to not be busy.  At least twice a day, withdraw yourself from the sources of stress that refuse to withdraw from you.  Do so for a few minutes and simply be and breathe.  Don’t fool yourself; you’re not so busy that you can’t afford a few minutes of sanity.
9. Reading amazing books. – Books are truly the perfect entertainment: no advertisements, no batteries, hours of delight and education, and no cost with a library card.  What you have to ask yourself is: Why not carry a book around for those inevitable gaps of wasteful waiting time – five minutes here and ten minutes there.  Bring that dead time back to life.  And remember, it is what you read and learn when you don’t have to that determines what you will be capable of when you have no other choice.
10. Cooking real, wholesome food. – Your body is a temple.  You are what you eat.  So do not eat processed food, fast food, and all the filth the big processed food companies try to pass off as “healthy.”  Most foods that you don’t have to prepare manually statically cause sickness, cancer, and disease.  Do they taste good?  Sure.  It’s all well-seasoned, pre-packaged poison.  This is why so many people are sick – mentally, emotionally, physically, and spiritually – because of being hooked to the taste of poison, instead of being hooked on the truth and to real foods that heal and provide you with good health and wellness.  (Read Super Immunity.)
11. Cutting yourself enough slack to make mistakes. – The greatest mistake many of us make is living in constant fear that we will make one.  Life is just too short to berate yourself for making mistakes.  After all, mistakes in life are as certain as sunsets and detours.  So why exert energy avoiding the unavoidable?  The truth is you aren’t really free until you give yourself the freedom to make mistakes.  So liberate yourself!  Cut yourself some slack.  Shift your energy from protecting yourself from failure to squeezing more living out of your life.
12. Celebrating the small victories of each day. – Sure, not every day will be good, but there will always be something good about every day.  Notice these things and celebrate them.  Train your mind to see what’s right.  Positivity is a choice.  The happiness of your life depends on the quality of your thoughts.  When you are no longer able to change a situation, you are challenged to change how you think about it.  And the first step is celebrating what you can – the lessons, the laughs, and love you experienced along the way.

The floor is yours…

Truth be told, the most important decision you will ever make is what you do with the time that is given to you.  Let every day be a part of a dream you can touch.  Let every day contain love you can feel.  Let every day be a great example of a life truly lived.
Leave a comment below and let us know…
What do you need to start making time for again?
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3 Questions that Will Free Your Mind and Turn Your Life Around

post written by: Angel Chernoff

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“Judge a man by his questions rather than by his answers.”
―Voltaire

It’s not the answers you get from others, but the questions you ask yourself that will help you grow stronger.  In fact, the simple questions you ask yourself on a daily basis will determine the type of person you become in the long run. Keep in mind that the following questions have no right or wrong answers…
Because sometimes asking the right questions IS the answer:

1.  If you had a friend who spoke to you in the same way that you sometimes speak to yourself, how long would you allow this person to be your friend?

Remember, the way you treat yourself sets the standard for others.  You must love who you are or no one else will.  So treat yourself the way you want others to treat you.  Stop discrediting yourself for everything you aren’t, and start giving yourself credit for everything you ARE.  We have to learn to be our own best friends, because sometimes we fall too easily into the trap of being our own worst enemies.
Honestly, the amount of abuse you tolerate in your relationships is often equal to the amount of abuse you heap on yourself.  If you are used to telling yourself that you’re unattractive, that you are destined to fail, and that you’re not capable of performing in the world without someone holding your hand, then you will accept and feel most comfortable in relationships with people who reinforce these same negative beliefs.
Because that’s what careless words do – they clutter your mind and make you love yourself and life a little less.
So when you’re hanging out by yourself, watch how you talk to yourself.  Watch your thoughts.  Keep in mind that it is only ever our own thoughts that hurt us.  It’s how we choose to think about it all.  You know this is true.  You think 60,000 thoughts a day.  Don’t waste fifty nine thousand, nine hundred and ninety-nine of them on limited, negative thinking.
In fact, review your self-talk right now.  How well have you chosen the words you’ve recently used to talk to yourself?  Have you put them to positive or negative use?  If I eavesdropped on your self-talk a minute ago, would I have heard statements that empower happiness, or statements that refute it?
The bottom line is that your relationship with yourself is the closest and most important relationship you will ever, ever have.  So let me ask you this:  When was the last time someone told you that they loved you just the way you are, and that what you think and how you feel matters?  When was the last time someone told you that you did a great job, or took you someplace special to celebrate one of your small, everyday victories, simply because they know you deserve it?  When was the last time that “someone” was YOU?  (Read The Mastery of Love.)

2.  If today were the last day of your life, would you want to do what you are about to do today?

Think long and hard.  And when your answer is NO for too many days in a row, you know it’s time for a change.
And this is an interesting conversation, because we are all aware deep down that life is short, and that death will happen to every one of us eventually, and yet we are infinitely surprised when it happens to someone we know.  It’s like walking up a flight of stairs with a distracted mind, and misjudging the final step.  You expected there to be one more stair than there is, and so you find yourself off balance for a moment, before your mind shifts back to reality and how the world really is.
So LIVE your life TODAY!  Don’t ignore death, but don’t be afraid of it either.  Be afraid of a life you never lived because you were too afraid to take positive action.  Death is not the greatest loss in life.  The greatest loss is what dies inside you while you’re still alive.  Be bold.  Be courageous.  Be scared to death, and then take the next step in the direction of your dreams ANYWAY.
You’ve got to take that step.  Because sadly, there are far too many people who live their entire lives on the default settings, never realizing they can customize absolutely everything.  Don’t be one of them!  You have to live your own life your own way.  That’s all there is to it.  Each of us has a unique fire in our heart for something that makes us feel alive.  It’s your duty to find it and keep it lit.  You’ve got to stop caring so much about what everyone else wants for you, and start actually living for yourself.
Find your love, your talents, your passions, and embrace them.  Don’t hide behind other people’s decisions.  Don’t let others tell you what you want.  Design and experience YOUR life!  The life you create from doing something that moves you is far better than the life you get from sitting around wishing you were doing it.  So do something today, and every day, that moves you, even if you can only spare ten minutes here and there.

3.  What are you holding on to that you need to let go of?

It happens to you slowly as you grow.  You discover more about who you are and what you want, and then you realize that there are changes you need to make.  The lifestyle you’ve been living no longer fits.  The people you’ve known forever no longer see things the way you do.  So you cherish all the great memories, but find yourself in desperate need of moving on.
Some things simply are NOT meant to be.  Everything from your past does not belong in your present.  To hold on to relationships and circumstances that have already moved on without you, is to stay stuck in a place and time that no longer exists.  Moving on doesn’t mean you erase or completely forget the wonderful things from your past, it just means that you find a positive way of surviving without them in your present.
Truth be told, we all have a story.  We have all gone through something that has changed us in a way that we could never go back to who we once were.  In life, this kind of change is inevitable.  Everything around you is impermanent – your body, your possessions, your relationships, and so forth.  You don’t have control over every little thing that happens to you, but you do have control over how you decide to internalize it.
Pay as much attention to the changes that are working positively in your life as you do to those changes that are giving you trouble.  Appreciate how the unexpected is sometimes better than what you expected.  And above all, stop stressing over what’s behind you.  The end of something good is always the beginning of something great.  Say to yourself: “Dear Past, thank you for all the life lessons you have taught me.  Dear Present, I am ready now!”  Because a priceless new beginning always occurs at the point you thought would be the end of everything.
So don’t sweat the small stuff.  Live simply.  Love generously.  Speak truthfully.  Work diligently.  Then let go, and let what’s meant to be, BE. 

The floor is yours…

So today, we challenge you to a little self-inquiry starting with the three questions we discussed in this post.  Please leave a comment below and let us know what your initial reaction was to each question.
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40 Amazing Things You Will Never Forget

post written by: Marc Chernoff

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“There are only two ways to live your life.  One is as though nothing is a miracle.  The other is as though everything is a miracle.”
―Albert Einstein

“Today I am celebrating my 90th birthday.  I’ve seen the world change many times over.  It’s amazing how much progress we’ve made.  When I was a child there was no such thing as a television, and now I’m online typing this on a touchscreen tablet my grandson bought me for my birthday.  This ride we call ‘life’ is amazing!”
Those are the opening lines to an email I received this morning from a reader named Mary Ann.  The rest of her email discusses the ups and downs of her 90-year journey, and how she perceives life as being like an “ongoing jigsaw puzzle” we never quite complete.  “It’s crazy how some pieces randomly go missing, and then other pieces you didn’t even know existed fit so perfectly in the empty spaces,” she says.
Mary Ann’s words of wisdom remind me that there will always be ups and downs in life, but ultimately, at the end of the day, that’s what makes each of us who we are.  Which is why you have to learn to accept both the good and the bad that falls on your plate with grace.  Because everything in life happens for you, not to you.  Everything happens at exactly the right moment, neither too soon nor too late.  For everything you lose, you gain something else; and for everything you gain, you lose something else.  You don’t have to like it, but it’s just easier if you do.
So pay attention to your outlook on life.  Every day you can either regret or rejoice; it’s your choice.  When you choose the latter, life opens doors to amazing experiences you will likely remember forever.  Here are 40 such experiences…

1. Flowing and working through life’s great challenges. – No matter what happens, do your best and smile.  You won’t enjoy your life if you don’t enjoy your challenges.  Great challenges make life interesting, and overcoming them makes life meaningful.
2. The freedom that comes from acceptance. – The secret to happiness and peace is letting every situation be what it is, instead of what you think it should be, and then making the best of it.
3. Moments of sincere gratitude. – Appreciate life even when it’s not ideal.  Happiness is not the fulfillment of what we wish for, but an appreciation for what we have.  When life gives you every reason to be negative, think of one good reason to be positive.  There’s always something to be grateful for.
4. The beautiful happenings that made it all worthwhile. – When you can look back on painful events and feel that you were blessed for how you grew, for the love you knew, for the very fact that you did live through those times, then, and only then, can you truly appreciate gratitude’s vital role in the process of letting go.
5. Walking comfortably in your own shoes. – We are all weird in some way. What sets you apart may seem like a burden, but it’s not.  Most of the time it’s what makes you so incredible.
6. The moment you start listening to your inner voice, rather than defying it. – Sometimes your mind needs more time to accept what your heart already knows.  Breathe.  Be a witness, not a judge.  Listen to your intuition.
7. Aligning what you do with who you are. – Make the rest of your life the best of your life.  Create a life that feels good on the inside, not one that just looks good on the outside.  (Read Quitter.)
8. Using your unique ideas, perspectives, and skills to make a difference. – If you desire to make a difference in the world, you must be different from the world, and you must be bold enough to show it.
9. Designing your own life, your own way. – No matter how you live, someone will be disappointed.  So live a life you are proud of.  Live YOUR truth and be sure YOU aren’t the one who is disappointed in the end.
10. Working hard on something you love. – Hard work becomes easy when your work becomes your play.  Never underestimate the value of loving what you do.  When we lose ourselves in the things we love, we find ourselves there, too.
11. Knowing deep down that you gave your dreams a fair chance. – Most of the time the only difference between a dream that came true and one that didn’t, is a person who wouldn’t give up and one who did.
12. Reflections of your own bravery. – When you’re scared but you take the next step anyway, that’s bravery.
13. The glory of conquering an old fear. – Fear is a feeling, not a fact.  The best way to gain strength and self-confidence is to do what you are afraid to do.  Dare to stretch yourself.
14. Being courageous enough to grow and evolve. – It takes courage to grow and become who you really are.  Don’t fear change.  You may lose something good, but you may also gain something great.
15. The way you feel at the end of highly productive days. – Laziness may appear attractive, but work leads to happiness.  You are what you do, not what you say you’ll do.  Good things don’t come to those who wait; they come to those who work on meaningful goals.
16. When your patience finally pays off. – Patience is not the ability to wait, but how you act and how hard you are willing to work while you’re waiting for your work to pay off.
17. Making the impossible possible. – In most cases, impossible is not a fact; it’s an opinion.  Almost anything is possible if you’ve got enough time and enough nerve.
18. When you have a great reason to be impressed with yourself. – Spend less time impressing others and more time impressing yourself.  Climb a mountain so you can see the world, not so the world can see you.
19. Engaging deeply in your own journey, drama-free. – Let the tasks of refining, improving, and appreciating your own life keep you so busy that you have no need and no time to criticize others, or engage in their drama.
20. Standing up for yourself. – Sometimes we suffer, not because of the violence others inflict on us, but because of our own silence.  When someone tries to bully you, stand up for yourself and say, “Not so fast, buddy!  Your delusion of superiority is your problem, not mine.
21. Relationships that make you a better person. – Know that it’s less important to have more friends and more important to have real ones.  Surround yourself with people who make you better, and cherish every moment of your time together.
22. Knowing deep down that you truly matter to someone else. – Someday you will be just a memory to some people.  Do your best to be a great one.
23. True intimate love. – True love is not about how many days, months or years you’ve been with someone.  True love is about how much you actually love each other every day.
24. Appreciating the beautiful imperfections of another person. – Imperfection is real and beautiful.  It’s how two people accept and deal with the imperfections of their relationship, that make it ideal in the end.  (Read The Gifts of Imperfection.)
25. Following through with your promises. – Unless a real commitment is made there are only empty promises and hopes, but no real plans or results.  Remember, commitment means staying loyal and keeping a promise long after the mood you made the promise in has left you.
26. Giving a struggling soul a little extra leeway. – Don’t be so quick to judge.  The strongest people are not those who show strength in front of us, but those who win battles we know nothing about.
27. Helping someone who desperately needs your kindness. – Those who are hardest to love often need it the most.  So treat everyone with kindness, even those who are rude.  Give them a chance.
28. Knowing you did the right thing. – True integrity is doing the right thing, no matter what, even when nobody’s going to know whether you did it or not.
29. Seeing genuine smile you helped create. – Few things are more satisfying than helping someone else smile a little more than before.
30. Coming to a loving compromise with someone special. – Sometimes we must choose to be wrong, not because we really are wrong, but because we value our relationship more than our pride.
31. Moments of mindful presence. – If you’re always racing to the next moment, what happens to the one you’re in?  Stop over thinking and worrying.  Life is too short for that.  Worry and rumination are the worst enemies to living happily in the present.  Take a moment here and there to just be and breathe.
32. The liberation of letting go. – Letting go of the past is your first step toward happiness.  So finish each day before you begin the next, and build a solid foundation of rest between the two.
33. The process of growing through failure. – Remember, your failure does not define you, your determination does.  Failure is simply the opportunity to begin again, smarter than before.
34. When the sun finally shines through the dark clouds again. – Don’t give up on yourself.  Keep fighting.  Sometimes you’ve got to go through the worst of times to get the best.
35. Surprising new beginnings. – Every ending is the beginning of something else.  Every exit is an entry somewhere else.  As long as you are breathing, it’s never too late; every day is a new opportunity.
36. The nimble feeling of being a beginner. – Allow yourself to be a beginner.  No one starts off being great.  Do the best you can until you know better.  When you know better, do better.
37. The exhilaration of first time experiences. – You can see or do something a million times, but you can only see or do it for the first time once.  And that makes doing so worth it.  Many of the great times you will remember for a lifetime are the ones when you stepped outside of your comfort zone and tried something new.
38. Becoming a parent. – Being a mother or father is discovering strengths you didn’t know you had and dealing with fears you never knew existed.
39. The happiness YOU create for yourself and those you love. – In life, you often have to create your own sunshine.  So read something positive every morning when you wake up, and let it inspire you to do something positive before you go back to sleep at night.  That’s how memorable days are made.
40. Every moment you are busy living through love. – Today is one of the good ol’ days you’re going to miss someday.  So be sooo busy loving your life and those in it that you have no time for hate, regret or fear.

Your turn…

Truth be told, talking about our problems is our greatest addiction.  Let’s break this negative habit and talk about our joys, our loves, and our victories instead.  So tell me this:
What makes life amazing?  What makes a moment worth remembering?
Leave a comment below and share your thoughts.
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10 Things to Remember When You Feel Lost and Alone

post written by: Marc Chernoff

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“Being alone never felt right.  Sometimes it felt good, but it never felt right.”
―Charles Bukowski

“This morning I felt lost and alone as I was driving home after a brutal breakup with my boyfriend.  I turned on the radio and the Michael Jackson song ‘You Are Not Alone’ was playing.  A few seconds later, at the exact moment the chorus began, I passed a huge billboard sign with big black letters that read, ‘YOU ARE NOT ALONE!’”
That’s the opening paragraph of an email I received today from a reader named Ella.  It made me smile because I love when life delivers seemingly coincidental, positive messages like that, right when we need them most.
However, the rest of Ella’s email further described her ongoing struggle with feeling “lost and alone” in life.  Which got me thinking…
Why do people have to feel this way?  What’s the point of it all?  Millions of people in this world, all of them craving connection, and looking for specific experiences and people to satisfy them, yet inadvertently isolating themselves in the process.  Why?  Was the planet put here just to nourish our loneliness?
The more I’ve experienced and explored my own feelings of uncertainty and loneliness, the more I’ve realized how necessary these feelings are.  It’s good for us to spend time exploring unknowns, alone.  It gives us an opportunity to discover who we really are and what life is all about.
Here are some things to keep in mind when you feel lost and alone:

1.  You are not alone in being alone.

So many of us are fighting the same exact battle alongside you.  We are all in this together.  So no matter how embarrassed or pathetic you feel about your own situation, know that there are others out there experiencing the same emotions.  When you hear yourself say, “I am all alone,” it’s just your worried mind trying to sell you a lie.  There’s always someone who can relate to you.  Perhaps you can’t immediately talk to them, but they are out there, and that’s all you need to know right now.

2.  Sometimes when you’re lonely, you need to be alone.

Sometimes you need to be alone, not to be lonely, but to enjoy a little free time just being yourself and finding your way.  In other words, the moments you feel lonely are the moments you may most need to be by yourself.  This is one of life’s cruelest ironies.
We need solitude, because when we’re alone we’re detached from obligations, we don’t need to put on a show, and we can hear our own thoughts and feel what our intuition is telling us.  And the truth is, throughout your life there will be times when the world gets real quiet and the only thing left is the beat of your own heart.  So you’d better learn the sound of it, otherwise you’ll never understand what it’s telling you.  (Read Quiet: The Power of Introverts.)

3.  You have to be a little lost first to find what you’re looking for.

Not until you are lost in this world can you begin to find your best path.  Realizing you are lost is the first step to living the life you want.  The second step is leaving the life you don’t want.  Making a big life change is pretty scary.  But you know what’s even scarier?  Regret.
I can tell you from my own life experience that I’ve found love, lost it, found it, lost it and then I found it once again.  But each time what I found was more incredible than the last.  So remember that everyone suffers in life at some point.  Everyone feels lost sometimes.  The key is using your experiences to grow.  When you apply what you’re learning to your future choices and actions, you move forward not backward.  You become stronger and wiser.  It’s not easy, but it’s worth it in the end.

4.  It’s all about accepting the reality of what is.

You cannot find peace by avoiding life.  Life spins with unexpected changes; so instead of avoiding it, take every change and experience as a challenge for growth.  Either it will give you what you want or it will teach you what the next step is.  And remember, finding peace in life does not mean to be in a place where there is no noise, no challenges, and no hard work.  It means to be in the midst of those things while remaining calm in your heart.
Honestly, life is too short to spend at war with yourself.  The biggest disappointments in our lives are often the result of misplaced expectations.  Letting go of needless expectations is your first step to happiness.  Come from a mindset of peace and acceptance, and you can deal with almost anything and grow beyond it.

5.  In every situation, YOU choose your attitude.

Be determined to be positive.  Understand that the greater part of your misery or unhappiness is determined not by your circumstances, but by your attitude.  A happy person is not a person who’s always in a good situation, but rather a person who always has a good attitude in every situation.  So smile at those who often try to begrudge or hurt you; show them what’s missing in their life and what they can’t take away from you.  Doing so doesn’t mean forgetting or giving in, it means you choose happiness over hurt.  (Read Buddha’s Brain.)

6.  Being alone does not mean you are lonely, and being lonely does not mean you are alone.

The trouble is not always in being alone; it’s being lonely in the presence of others.  One can be lonely in the midst of a crowd.  Wouldn’t you agree?  So keep this in mind and choose your relationships wisely.  It’s always better to be alone than to be in bad company.  And when you do decide to come back for someone, do so because you’re truly better off with this person.  Don’t do it just for the sake not being alone.

7.  Everyone you care about does NOT need to support your decisions.

Friends and family won’t always support your goals, but you must pursue them anyway.  Follow your intuition.  Following your intuition means doing what feels right, even if it doesn’t look or sound right to others.  Only time will tell, but our human instincts are rarely wrong.  Even if things don’t turn out as you anticipated, at least you won’t have to spend the rest of your life wondering what could have been.  So don’t worry about what everyone else thinks; just keep living and speaking your truth.
Ultimately, you know you’re on the right track in life when you become uninterested in looking back, and eager to take the next step, regardless of what anyone else thinks.

8.  You are not who you used to be, and that’s OK.

You’ve been hurt; you’ve gone through numerous ups and downs that have made you who you are today.  Over the years, so many things have happened – things that have changed your perspective, taught you lessons, and forced your spirit to grow.  As time passes, nobody stays the same, but some people will still tell you that you have changed.  Respond to them by saying, “Of course I’ve changed.  That’s what life is all about.  I’m still the same human being, just a little stronger now than I ever was before.”

9.  The best you can do changes from day to day.

Always do your best.  And realize that “your best” is going to change repeatedly.  For instance, it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick.
Under any circumstance, simply do your best in the present moment and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse, and regret.  And remember that no matter what’s happening, you can efficiently fight the battles of just today.  It’s only when you add the battles of those two abysmal eternities, yesterday and tomorrow, that life gets overwhelmingly complicated.  It’s necessary, therefore, to let yourself live just one day at a time – just today – just right here, right now.  And do the best you can in it.

10.  It all matters in the end – every step, every regret, every smile, and every struggle.

The seemingly useless happenings add up to something.  The minimum wage job you had in high school.  The evenings you spent socializing with colleagues you never see anymore.  The hours you spent writing thoughts on a personal blog that no one reads.  Contemplations about elaborate future plans that never came to be.  All those lonely nights spent reading novels and news columns and comics strips and fashion magazines and questioning your own principles on life and sex and religion and whether or not you’re good enough just the way you are.  All of this has strengthened you.  All of this has led you to every success you’ve ever had.  All of this has made you who you are today.

The floor is yours…

What helps you stay positive when you feel lost and alone?  What’s something encouraging you try to keep in mind when you’re up against lots of uncertainty?  Leave a comment below and share your thoughts.
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20 Self-Confidence Traps Holding Smart People Back

post written by: Angel Chernoff

by Barrie Davenport

“The moment you doubt whether you can fly,
you cease forever to be able to do it.”
―Peter Pan

Do you ever feel like a duck stuck in white water, paddling furiously and never getting any closer to where you want to go?  The goals and dreams you have just aren’t coming together, and you’re not sure where or why you’re missing the mark.
You think you’re doing your best and busting your butt at work, but that promotion never materializes.  You’re so excited about the date you had last week, and you thought it went well, but he never responds to follow-up calls.  You work really hard at a new business idea, put in significant time, effort, and energy, but for some reason it just never catches on.
So you catch yourself thinking, “What’s wrong with me?  Am I not good enough?  Am I not smart enough?”
Then at other times you know you’re not on your ‘A’ game, but you try to cover it up.  You put on a happy face and hope no one notices how fearful and full of doubt you’re feeling.  And while acting confidently like this, despite your doubt, may be a decent strategy for boosting self-confidence over the long-term, you’re still sending out lots of low confidence signals to the decision-makers and important people in your life.
Your behaviors, thoughts, and feelings translate to noticeable expressions that actually spotlight just how unsure you’re feeling.  And unfortunately, low self-confidence is an unattractive and off-putting quality to almost everyone, no matter how smart you are or how ingenious your ideas may be…  Which means it may be the very reason success in various walks of life has been so elusive.
In fact, did you know that 93% of the recognizable messages we send to others are through non-verbal communication?
Dr. Albert Mehrabian, author of Silent Messages, conducted several studies on nonverbal communication.  He learned that only 7% of any message is conveyed through words, 38% through specific vocal elements, and 55% through nonverbal elements (such as facial expressions, gestures, posture, etc.).  When we remove the 7% for vocal content, that leaves us with the 93% statistic.
If you are going to act confidently (whether you feel it or not), you must first understand what low confidence behavior looks like.  Here are 20 ways you might be trapping yourself by sending out signals of self-doubt:

1. Using weak body language – Such as crossing your arms, not smiling, looking down, and not making eye contact
2. Hesitating to speak up in groups – Whether in a meeting, social setting, or a public speaking situation
3. Avoiding interaction with anyone new – Being unable to initiate new connections or approach someone you want to meet
4. Weak verbal communication – Speaking with a low voice, ending sentences with questions, or sounding really nervous
5. Fear of trying new things or taking on challenges – Difficulty taking actions that stretch your comfort zone or feel even slightly uncomfortable, even if you know they will improve your life
6. Hesitating to ask for what you want or need – Inability to confidently express your desires because you don’t feel worthy
7. Resistance to letting go of past failures and mistakes – Dwelling in negative thinking and embarrassment of what happened long ago
8. Not trusting your own judgment – Feeling your ability to solve problems, make decisions, initiate ideas, or take assertive action is compromised or not as sound as your peers
9. Indecisiveness – Not trusting your own judgment enough to even begin to know what you want
10. Letting others make your decisions for you – Letting the opinions of others dictate your reality
11. Fantasizing about not being successful enough – Feeling intimidated around people perceived as being more successful or accomplished than you
12. Feelings of jealously or resentment towards successful people – Projecting your insecurities and longings into negative feelings and behaviors towards others
13. Expressing no motivation to take action – Feeling depressed or defeated and seeing action as useless or too difficult
14. Purposeful self-sabotage – Creating a situation that makes it impossible to succeed so you’ll have an excuse for failing, or to justify why others should feel sorry for you
15. Needing constant external validation – Not just in personal relationships, but from bosses, co-workers, teachers, clients, and peers
16. Fear of rejection – Constantly worried that others will purposely shun you or hurt you
17. Extreme self-consciousness about how other people perceive you – Feeling painfully shy and uncomfortable about your intelligence and your appearance
18. Highly focused on physical appearance and physical flaws – Constant need to check your appearance, compare yourself to others, or obsess about parts of your face or body, at the detriment to everything else
19. Establishing no personal boundaries with others – Allowing others to take advantage of you simply because you don’t have the confidence to say “no”
20. Being overly accommodating or people pleasing – Completely ignoring your own values, needs, or desires to win affection and approval

Do you see yourself in any of these low self-confidence behaviors?  If so, sadly, you are sending signals to those around you that you aren’t deserving or capable of stepping up to take charge of whatever situation you’re facing.  And if you don’t appear confident to those around you, they won’t have much confidence in you.  Even worse, when these other people show a lack of confidence in you, it will make you feel even less sure of yourself.

7 Steps to Increasing Your Self-confidence

So what can you do to turn these low self-confidence behaviors around – to start acting and feeling more like yourself again?  Plenty.  And the good news is, confidence is a skill that can be learned and nurtured.  Like any other skill, it involves understanding specific actionable steps and practicing them until you gain mastery.
Here are seven important steps to get you started:

1. Awaken your awareness. – We cannot change what we refuse to confront.  Which is why the first key to any change is self-awareness.  You must acknowledge what the problem is and how it’s manifesting in your life.  What low confidence thoughts, actions, and choices are you making in your life right now?  In what areas of your life might others perceive you as weak or insecure?  Be honest with yourself and acknowledge where you need a confidence boost.
2. Find the origin and present trigger of self-doubt. – Once you’ve identified where you lack confidence, dig deeper and try to discern why.  Was there a triggering event in your childhood or in the recent past that undermined your confidence?  Is this situation still a reality in your life?  Most of the time it’s just the memory of past pain that keeps us stuck in a rut of low self-confidence.  There’s no longer any truth to the event at all.  Knowing this puts you back in control.
3. Redefine the present truth of your life. – If the past event that triggered your pain is no longer real, find evidence that contradicts the event.  Look for authentic, positive situations present in your life right now that reflect confidence and strength.  There are likely plenty if you mindfully look around.  In other words, train your mind to see the good in everything.  Talk about your blessings more than you talk about your problems.  What could you smile about right now if you wanted to?  (Read The Happiness Project.)
4. Build a realistic schedule of positive actions. – If you discern that you need to do something to improve yourself, your skills, or your comfort level with a situation, then determine exactly what needs to be done and create a list of suitable actions.  Maybe you need to switch careers.  Maybe you need to meet with a counselor to help overcome deeper past wounds or insecurities.  Whatever needs improvement, research it, figure out the first step, and schedule it into your routine.  Then let the first step lead to the second step, and schedule that in as well.  And so on and so forth.
5. Exercise your confidence. – If you feed your confidence you’ll starve your fear.  So in small and manageable situations, practice acting confidently – even if you don’t feel confident.  Speak up in a meeting.  Introduce yourself to someone new.  Challenge yourself to do something a bit beyond your comfort zone.  As you take action and see some success in these smaller situations, you’ll feel more and more confident.  Your increased confidence will allow you to tackle riskier actions that have a higher payoff in the long run.
6. Study the upside of failure. – Winston Churchill once said, “Success is stumbling from failure to failure with no loss of enthusiasm.”  Know this to be true.  Just because you have faced many defeats in your life, does not mean you have been defeated.  Failure is the condiment that gives success its flavor.  Every wrong turn you take is a necessary part of your journey towards growth and eventual success.  What you learn from failure can be carried to the next effort to ensure a greater chance of success going forward.  (Read 1,000 Little Things Happy, Successful People Do Differently.)
7. Concentrate on contribution. – Sometimes we get caught up in ourselves.  We focus too much on our own perceptions and not enough on the needs of other people.  This causes us to feel like the world revolves around us; and among other side effects, it makes us more self-conscious about everything.  So break free of your thinking and concentrate more on the contribution you’re making to others.  Doing so will help you worry less about your own flaws, because everything will be less about YOU.  This will increase your self-confidence and allow you to contribute happiness to the world around you.  And when you witness the positive effects of your contributions, you’ll be rewarded with amplified feelings of self-worth.

By paying attention to low confidence behaviors, you not only awaken to areas where you need to improve and strengthen yourself, but also you begin the process of redefining how you are perceived by others.  Confidence is the most attractive quality you can possess.  Don’t allow low self-confidence to hold you down and keep you from your best self.
And remember, it’s not about how smart you are, or how much you know, it’s about taking action and using what you know to change how you live.  Do something today to become the self-assured, successful, and happy person hiding inside you.  By reading this post you’re already halfway there.

The floor is yours…

What has helped you boost your confidence during times of insecurity?  What’s something positive you try to keep in mind when you’re struggling with self-doubt?  Leave a comment below and share your thoughts.

Photo by: Felipe S. Morin


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8 Things You Should Never Give Up for a Relationship

post written by: Marc Chernoff

 

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Being alone doesn’t mean you’re weak, it simply means you’re strong enough to wait for the right relationship.

“It’s been exactly ten years since my controlling, abusive ex-fiancé sold my favorite guitar which cost almost $1,000 and took me ages to save for.  He sold it on the day I broke up with him.  When I went to pick up my belongings, he was proud that he had sold it to a local pawnshop.  Luckily, I managed to track down the guy that bought it from the pawnshop.  The guy was really sweet and gave it back to me for free, on the condition that I join him on his front porch for an hour and play guitar with him.  He grabbed a second guitar and we ended up sitting there on his porch for the rest of the afternoon playing music, talking, and laughing.  He’s been my husband for almost nine years now, and we are happier now than ever.”
That’s a paraphrased version of a story one of our coaching clients, Megan, lived through a while back.  It’s one of those life stories that really stuck with me – one that I still think about on a regular basis.  And it immediately came to mind this morning when a new reader of ours, Jay, emailed me a long story about his present, broken relationship.  Specifically this one line jumped out at me:  “I feel like I’ve given up my love, my passions, my friendships, and my life for her, but it’s never enough.”
Using Megan’s story as a frame of reference, we are reminded that unhealthy relationships restrict and impair, while healthy relationships bring freedom and life to our existence.  It’s important to remember the difference.  It’s important to remember what you should NEVER have to give up for a relationship.  And that’s what this article is about – some good reminders for Jay, and for all of us…

1.  Your imperfect magnificence.

It’s not hard to find someone who tells you they love you; it’s hard to find someone who actually means it.  But you will find them eventually, so don’t rush love, and don’t settle.  Find someone who isn’t afraid to admit they miss you.  Someone who knows you’re not perfect, but appreciates you as you are.  One who gives their heart completely.  Someone who says, “I love you” and then proves it day in and day out.  Find someone who wouldn’t mind waking up with you in the morning, seeing your wrinkles and grey hair, and then falls in love with you all over again.
Remember, to the people who truly love you, you are magnificent already.  This is not because they’re blind to your shortcomings, but because they so vividly see the beauty of your soul.  Your shortcomings then dim by comparison.  The people who care about you are willing to let you be imperfect and magnificent, at the same time.

2.  The right to decide for yourself.

Don’t put the only keys to your growth and happiness in someone else’s pocket.  Relationships are not about authority and obedience; they’re agreements of love and respect.  You simply can’t live your entire life through someone else’s fantasies.  There must be compromise and the space to do what’s right for you, even if someone you care about disagrees.  Give, but don’t allow yourself to be used.  Listen to loved ones, but don’t lose track of your inner voice in the process.
Never apologize for what you feel and what you don’t feel; that’s a betrayal of your truth.  No matter how much advice people give you, sometimes you have to feel things out for yourself, make decisions on your own, experience things firsthand, and build your own conclusions from the ground up the old fashion way.  (Read Choose Yourself.)

3.  Your innate human need to be understood.

There’s honestly nothing more intimate than simply being understood and understanding someone else in return.  Even when there are disagreements, every healthy relationship contains this mutual understanding – a loving space filled with listening and compromise.
So remember to listen without defending, and speak without offending.  Communication isn’t just an important part of a relationship, it is the relationship.  And really, there’s only one rule for being a good communicator: the willingness to hear others.  Because we do not always need a busy mind that speaks, just a patient heart that listens.

4.  The freedom to love.

Love is the creative force of the universe.  It is as important to life as oxygen is to breathing.  When it is present in our lives we feel happier, more optimistic and fulfilled.  Without it, we become angry, cynical, resentful people, critical of ourselves and others, effectively squashing the greatness that exists in us, and diminishing our own light.
Open your heart and let love out.  Love people.  Love experiences.  Love yourself.  And let go of those who try to stop you.

5.  The courage and willingness to experiment with life.

To live a great life, you must lose your fear of being wrong.  Remember that doing something and getting it wrong is at least ten times more productive than doing nothing.  Even when things don’t work out, they do.  Because in the end, experience is what you get when you didn’t get exactly what you wanted, and experience is often the most valuable thing you have to give.
So don’t be too timid and squeamish about your actions.  Don’t let someone scare you out of failing forward.  All of life is an experiment.  The more experiments you make the better.  Either you will succeed or you will learn the next best step.  Win-win.  (Read Start.)

6.  Your joy.

Never let anyone or anything get in the way of your joy.  Live a life that sizzles and pops and makes you laugh out loud every day.  Because you don’t want to get to the end, or to tomorrow, even, and realize that your life is a collection of meetings and “someday’s” and errands and receipts and empty promises.
So go ahead and sing out loud in the car with the windows down, and dance in your living room, and stay up all night laughing, and paint your walls any color you want, and enjoy some port wine and chocolate cake.  Yes, and go ahead and sleep in on clean white sheets, and throw parties, and paint, and write poetry, and read books so good they make you lose track of time.  And just keep living and laughing and making God glad that he gave life to someone who loves and cherishes the gift.

7.  Other important relationships, including the one you have with yourself.

If a relationship is closing you off from the world, it’s time to break free.  It’s time to choose love over deception.  After all, that’s what love is all about – freedom.
So don’t blame love if a broken relationship is interfering with your other important relationships, or robbing you of your self-esteem and personal freedoms.  No, don’t blame love.  For it isn’t love that’s stealing from you.  It’s possession.  It’s obsession.  It’s manipulation.  It’s confusion.  Love has nothing to do with your situation.  For love doesn’t close the door on happiness and liberty.  It opens it wide to let more in.
Likewise, if someone expects you to be someone you’re not, take a step back.  It’s wiser to lose relationships over being who you are, than to keep them intact by pretending to be someone else.  It’s easier to nurse a little heartache and meet someone new, than it is to piece together your own shattered identity.  It’s easier to fill an empty space within your life where someone else used to be, than it is to fill the empty space within yourself where YOU used to be.

8.  Your inner peace and composure.

No matter what you do or how amazing you are, throughout your lifetime some people will still upset you, disrespect you, and treat you poorly.  Let them be; let karma deal with the cruel things they have done.  Hatred and negativity filling your heart and mind will only consume you and your potential.  You will begin to heal and grow emotionally when you let go of these past hurts, excuse the people who have wronged you, and forgive yourself for your misjudgments.
Bottom line:  Learning to ignore certain people and situations is one of the great paths to inner peace.  So let GO when you must.  Let them be, so you can be at peace.

The floor is yours…

What else would you add to the list?  What should you NEVER have to give up for a relationship?  Leave a comment below and share your thoughts.
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30 Must-Do’s While You’re Young Enough to Read This

post written by: Marc Chernoff

 

6

“Yesterday is gone.  Tomorrow has not yet come.
We have only today.  Let us begin.”
―Mother Teresa

Take time to figure yourself out.  Take time to realize what you want and need.  Take time to take risks.  Take time to love, laugh, cry, and learn.  Life is shorter than it often seems.  Here are 30 must-do’s you can start working on today:

1. Accept every unique piece of yourself. – The secret to happiness and success is the acceptance of yourself.  You will never become who you want to be if you rely on everyone else to qualify you.  Own yourself completely, just the way you are, flaws and all.  Once you love and accept even the worst possible version of yourself, you are free.  So always go with yourself, never against yourself.  Be who you were created to be and you will set the world on fire.
2. Make yourself a priority. – Truth be told, there are only a few people in this world who will stay 100% true to you, and YOU should be one of them.  Prioritize your own needs into your daily to-do’s.
3. Take positive action. – Don’t sit back and let things happen to you.  Go out and happen to things.  You are what you do, not what you say you’ll do.  Stop saying “I wish” and start saying “I will.”  Turn your cant’s into cans and your dreams into plans.
4. Do the work. – You can’t underestimate a person who always works hard.  Be that person.  In life, you don’t get what you wish for; you get what you work for.  Always remember that the task ahead of you is never greater than the strength within you.  Do what’s right, not what’s easy.  Your dreams are worth it.
5. Focus on priorities. – Don’t be busy; be productive.  The purpose of life is to live a life of purpose.  Make your time and presence count.  Focus on what matters and let go of what does not.  (Read Getting Things Done.)
6. Take calculated risks. – Why not go out on a limb?  That’s where the fruit is.  You know this.  In life, if you don’t risk anything, you risk everything.  All growth begins at the end of your comfort zone.  So take a step in faith today.  You don’t have to see the whole staircase, just take the first step.
7. Keep on stepping. – Focus on the small things you can do right now, not the big things you can’t.  SMALL changes can make a BIG difference in the end.  When in doubt just take the next small step.  Sometimes the smallest step in the right direction ends up being the biggest step of your life.
8. Give yourself all the approval you need. – If you want to achieve greatness, stop asking for everyone’s approval.  You don’t need anyone’s approval to be happy or to follow your heart.
9. Fight hard for what you believe in. – Great strength comes from overcoming what others think is impossible.  And sometimes you have to lose the battle to win the war.  So if you believe strongly in something, fight for it.  In time things will fall into place… maybe not today, but eventually… maybe not exactly how you planned, just how it’s meant to be.
10. Allow life to happen like it’s suppose to. – You can’t force things to happen; you can only drive yourself crazy trying.  There’s a time and place for everything.  So don’t force what’s not yet supposed to fit into your life.  When it’s meant to be, it will be.  Work hard, be patient.
11. Embrace every experience for what it’s worth. – For everything you have lost, you have gained something else.  In fact, sometimes life doesn’t give you what you WANT because you NEED something else.  And what you need often comes when you’re not looking for it.
12. Be mindful in tough times. – Keep calm when things go wrong.  You may feel weak, but your spirit is strong.  Remember that there are two kinds of pain: pain that hurts and pain that changes you.  But when you accept life, instead of resisting it, both kinds help you grow.
13. Admit your frustrations and face your fears. – Sometimes what you don’t want is exactly what you need.  Sometimes what you’re most afraid of doing is the very thing that will set you free.
14. Enjoy yourself. – Be positive and smile right now, not because everything is good, but because you can see the good side of everything.
15. Give yourself short morning pep-talks. – One small positive thought in the morning can change your whole day.  Make this a ritual.
16. Look around in appreciation of your remarkable life. – Good or bad, just smile.  You have a lot to be thankful for.  Never forget it… Don’t be negative when you have so much to be positive about.  Life is “give and take.”  Give thanks and take nothing for granted.  Believe it, right now someone is praying for the things you take for granted.
17. Take guilt-free breaks. – How freeing would it be to not feel guilty about the things you “should” be doing every single second?  Yes, it’s healthy to work diligently on meaningful goals, but don’t berate yourself for not doing more than you’re able to.  Find your balance between activity and recovery.  Learn to let go and relax when you need a break.
18. Delete the needless excess. – When things aren’t adding up in your life, start subtracting.  Life gets easier when you delete the things and people that make it difficult.  Remember that giving up doesn’t always mean you’re weak.  Sometimes it means you’re strong enough and smart enough to let go and move on in the right direction.
19. Let the people who are already gone, GO. – Some people pass through our lives in a shorter time frame than we had hoped to teach us things they never could have taught if they stayed.  Recognize this when it happens, and accept it.
20. Enjoy the company of those who lift you higher. – Know that it’s less important to have more friends and more important to have real ones.  Sooner or later, you just want to be around the people who make you smile.  So spend as much time as possible with those who help you love yourself more.
21. Listen at least as much as you talk. – In the end, there is only one rule for being a good talker and a good friend: listening.  In other words, we do not always need a mind that speaks, just a patient heart that listens.
22. Let love win. – Love conquers all.  Share your love.  It doesn’t need to be perfect.  It just needs to be true.
23. Learn to forgive without resistance. – Never let an argument last, never hold a grudge; both will make your heart heavy.  Forgiveness is one of the primary keys to happiness.  When you choose to forgive those who have hurt you, you take away their power over you.  So go ahead and say it: “I forgive you.”  Even better yet, go ahead and forgive those who have yet to hurt you, and you won’t have to worry about it should the time come.
24. Act out of untethered kindness. – Your beliefs alone don’t make you a better person, your behavior does.  Use your voice for kindness, your ears for compassion, and your hands for charity, always.  Learn to give without any reason.  Make doing so a daily ritual.
25. Uphold your strength of character. – Character is how you treat those who can do nothing for you.  So today, and every day, do something nice for someone who will never be able to repay you.
26. Give the strangers around you a chance. – Be friendly.  A simple hello could lead to a million things.  And there is a purpose for everyone you will ever meet.  Some will test you, some will teach you, and some will bring out the very best in you.
27. Stay in touch with reality. – Lies only exist if we believe in them.  The truth shall indeed set you free in the end.  Whenever negativity creeps into your conscious, ask yourself:  Is it true?  Can I absolutely know that it’s true?  (Read Loving What Is.)
28. Learn from the past, but don’t live in it. – Don’t stress about the closed doors behind you.  New doors are opening every moment and you will see them if you keep moving forward.  Sometimes you have to accept the fact that things will never go back to how they used to be, and that this ending is really a new beginning.
29. Worry less. – Stop over thinking and worrying.  Life is too short for that.  Worry and rumination are the worst enemies to living happily in the present.
30. Pay attention to the present. – Realize that the source of most of your frustrations and anxiety are the result of living in the past, or future.  Right now is life – the only life you have.  Don’t miss it.

All jokes aside, your life only comes around once.  This is IT.  So do what makes you happy and be with whoever makes you smile, often.

Your turn…

Which of these must-do’s do you need to work on?  Are there any others you would add to the list?
Leave a comment below and share your thoughts.

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28 Ways to Uncomplicate Your Relationships

post written by: Marc Chernoff

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“Life is really simple, but we insist on making it complicated.”
―Confucius

Almost two decades ago, when I asked my grandfather for some relationship advice, he said, “Honestly, the moment I stopped trying to find the right woman, and started trying to become the right man, your grandmother walked up to me and said, ‘Hello.’”
This small tip immediately changed the way I treated myself and others.  In fact, it set the foundation for all the healthy relationships I’ve nurtured over the years, including my relationship with Angel.
The bottom line is that every single one of our relationships starts within us.  When we uncomplicate ourselves, we uncomplicate our interactions with others.  When we stop doing the wrong things and start doing the right things, our relationships get a lot easier.
Which means it’s time to…

1. Stop looking to others for the love and respect only you can give yourself. – Self-respect, self-worth, and self-love.  There’s a reason they all start with “self.”  You can’t receive them from anyone else.
2. Start accepting and embracing your flaws. – Once you’ve accepted your flaws, no one can use them against you.  Love yourself!  Forgive yourself!  Accept yourself!  You are YOU and that’s the beginning and the end… no apologies, no regrets.
3. Stop comparing and competing every second. – Take one step at a time and don’t compare your progress with that of others.  We all need our own time to travel our own distance.  Remember this, and give others the space to do the same.
4. Start letting others be exactly who they are. – Remember, a great relationship is about two things: First, appreciating the similarities, and second, respecting the differences.
5. Stop being insensitive. – Always be kinder than you feel.  Yes, be waaaay kinder than necessary.  You never know what someone is going through.  If you cannot speak a kind word, say nothing at all.
6. Start showing your love. – Don’t just say it; let your actions speak too.  Showing someone you care is wonderful, and it’s easy.  Sometimes the smallest act of love can take up the greatest space in someone’s heart.  To make someone happy, give them three things: attention, affection, and appreciation.
7. Stop judging. – The more you judge, the less you see and love.  It’s easy to look at people and make quick judgments about them – their present and their past – but you’d be amazed at the pain and tears a single smile hides.  What a person shows to the world is only one tiny tip of the iceberg hidden from sight.  And more often than not, it’s lined with cracks and scars that go all the way to the foundation of their soul.  Never judge; learn to respect and acknowledge the feelings of another.  (Read The Gifts of Imperfection.)
8. Start acting like what you do makes a difference. – You are needed.  You matter.  Always go above and beyond for those who need you most.  In a world full of people who couldn’t care less, be someone who couldn’t care more.
9. Stop letting one dark cloud obliterate the whole sky. – Don’t sweat the small stuff today.  Don’t let stupid little daily frustrations interfere with your relationships.  Just do the best you can.  Live simply.  Love generously.  Speak honestly.  Work diligently.  Then let go and let what’s meant to be, BE.
10. Start doing what’s right for YOU too. – Remember, if you care too much about what other people think, in a way, you will always be their prisoner.  You can’t live your entire life for someone else.  Sometimes you’ve got to do what’s right for you, even if someone you care about disagrees.
11. Stop needing to always be right. – Sometimes we must choose to be wrong, not because we really are wrong, but because we value our relationship more than our pride.
12. Start asking yourself: “Will this hurt someone I care about in any way?” – The bottom line is that you can’t keep hurting someone over and over and expect them to love and respect you.
13. Stop focusing on outer beauty all the time. – Focus on inner beauty.  In the end, people are not as beautiful as they look, walk, or talk.  They are only as beautiful as they love, as they care, and as they share.  Also, a little formula to keep in mind for yourself: Self + Confident + Honesty = Beautiful
14. Start noticing the little things. – Pay extra close attention to those you care about.  It’s nice when a friend remembers every tiny detail about you.  Not because you keep reminding them, but because they pay attention and care.
15. Stop pressuring others into things, or putting up with those who pressure you. – Be patient.  Let people decide for themselves.  Being willing to wait is a sign of true love and friendship.  Anyone can say that they care about you, but not everyone will wait for you.
16. Start using your voice to lift others up. – Let your voice inspire people every day so much that they think to themselves, “I’m so lucky, I have such a good life.”  Let your voice be the thing that lights a fire in others, and keeps them going even when it hurts.  Let your voice to be the one they hear in their dreams that tells them, you are so loved, you are so wanted, you are a special gift, and you are worthy.
17. Stop taking things personally. – Whatever happens in a relationship, however people behave, just don’t take things too personally.  Nothing other people do is because of you; it’s because of them.  Their actions are a direct result of their thoughts, feelings, and emotions.  (Read The Four Agreements.)
18. Start letting honest mistakes slide. – Lots of relationships fail because we spend more time pointing out each other’s mistakes and not enough time enjoying each other’s company.  So remember that EVERYONE makes mistakes… If you can’t forgive others, don’t expect others to forgive you.
19. Stop being dramatic. – Spend less time gossiping about problems and more time helping yourself and others solve them.  Stay out of people’s needless drama and don’t create your own.
20. Start forgiving yourself for the pain you caused in the past. – People can be more forgiving than you can imagine, but you have to forgive yourself too.  Let go of what’s bitter and move on.
21. Stop letting your expectations get in the way of your love. – Love is simply friendship without unjust expectations.  It is a quiet understanding, a mutual confidence, and a commitment to sharing and forgiving.  It is loyalty through good and bad times.  It settles for less than perfection and makes allowances for human weaknesses.
22. Start being honest about how you feel. – Remember, being honest might not always get you a lot of friends, but it will always get you the right ones.
23. Stop spending time with those who continuously belittle you. – Don’t let anyone make you feel that you don’t deserve the good things happening in your life.  You deserve to be happy.  You deserve to live a life you are excited about.  Don’t let anyone make you forget that.  Surround yourself with people who make you a better person – those who inspire you to be your best self.
24. Start giving yourself all the approval you need. – Say it: “I am who I am and your approval isn’t needed.”  Just be yourself and let the right people love the real you.  Find people who respect you as much as you respect them.  Be with those who are happy and proud to have you just the way you are.
25. Stop saying “yes” when you want to say “no.” – You can’t always be agreeable; that’s how people take advantage of you.  Sometimes you have to set clear boundaries. 
26. Start communicating clearly. – Don’t try to read other people’s minds, and don’t make other people try to read yours.  Most problems, big and small, within a family, friendship, or business relationship, start with bad communication.  Someone isn’t being clear.
27. Stop making it all about YOU. – The most successful people in the most successful relationships are looking for ways to help others.  The most unsuccessful people are still asking, “What’s in it for me?”
28. Start living with 100% integrity. – Don’t cheat.  Be faithful.  Be kind.  Do the right thing!  It is a less complicated way to live.  Integrity is the essence of everything successful.  When you break the rules of integrity you invite serious complications into your life.  Keep life simple and enjoyable by doing what you know in your heart is right.

And finally, remember that good relationships don’t just happen; they take time, patience, commitment, and two people who truly want to work to be together.

The floor is yours…

What has helped you uncomplicate your relationships?  Or… Which of the tips above do you need to work on?  Leave a comment below and share your thoughts and insights.
Photo by: Meredith Farmer

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One Lesson on Regret Most People Learn Too Late

post written by: Angel Chernoff

by Akshay Nanavati

A storm approached.  The clouds turned black and camp was over two hours away.  After many failed attempts, I gave it one more last ditch effort to capture the beauty of the frozen abyss.  In it’s own right, glacier caving high in the Himalayas on the Annapurna Glacier presented a formidable challenge.  Attempting to immortalize the experience through pictures proved to be even more demanding.
Finally, the perfect shot.  Or at least the best I could do with the limited light and the tight space.  There was no time for another one.  Korbindra, my Nepalese guide, and I crawled out of the darkness into the remaining light that pierced through the foreboding skies.  Three hundred feet away, two assistant guides waited with our packs.  All that remained now was a short climb down an inclined wall of ice.
We had to move fast.  The storm was not the only concern.  Just above us, giant rocks laid precariously on the lip of the ice cave.
I began the descent, carefully placing my ice axes and crampons on each step to avoid slipping.  Although my skills on ice were mediocre, I managed to get down safely and rushed away from the danger zone.
Suddenly, a thunderous crash.  The massive boulders slammed onto the very path I was on less than a minute ago.
My heart rate skyrocketed. “Holy crap,” I whispered to myself.  Any slower down that wall and I would have been crushed.
Almost instantly, my fear turned into joy as I became acutely aware of my own mortality.  In that moment, having felt the brush of death, I came alive.

Regrets of Dying

Steve Jobs once said, “Remembering that I’ll be dead soon is the most important tool I’ve ever encountered to help me make the big choices in life.”  He started a multibillion-dollar product line – the iPhone – shortly thereafter.
Our mortality is our most powerful ally, yet most of us live every day blissfully ignorant of its presence.  We move through our entire lives without even contemplating the reality that it will one day end.  Why else would 80% (according to several studies) of Americans be unhappy in their jobs and choose to continue working in those very same jobs?
Sleepwalking through life, we push all our dreams and desires to ‘someday.’  But someday may as well be never.  It is not without reason that cemeteries are the wealthiest places on earth.  For they are filled with millions of unwritten books, unsung songs and unfulfilled dreams.
For most of us, only when we come close to claiming our place in the earth do we start to discover the treasures that live deep within us.
Bronnie Ware, a palliative nurse in Australia, spent years working with people during the last 12 weeks of their lives.  While caring for her dying patients, she recorded their final regrets and found common themes that she documented in a book titled, “The Top Five Regrets of the Dying.”
Three of the top five regrets were:

• “I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.”
• “I wish I didn’t work so hard my whole life.”
• “I wish that I had let myself be happier.”

If you were to die tomorrow, what would you regret?
The question is not meant to simply trigger the age-old cliché of “live every day like it is your last.”  This question is intended to have you actually look into the future and picture yourself on your deathbed.  Visualize your family around you.  Picture them staring into your feeble frame.  Really immerse yourself in this reality.  From there, ask yourself that question.

Using Death as a Motivator for Life

“If there is a meaning in life at all, then there must be a meaning in suffering.  Suffering is an ineradicable part of life, even as fate and death.  Without suffering and death, human life cannot be complete.”
―Victor Frankl

Ancient samurai warriors believed that every day one must meditate on their inevitable death and consider themselves as dead.  Their ideal practice involved picturing themselves dying in battle, drowning in an ocean, burned by a fire, falling from a cliff or any number of ways a person can be killed.
There is nothing morbid or morose about either of these practices.  Death is simply the other side of life.  Within its embrace lies the most powerful impulse of the human spirit, the desire to live a meaningful and passionate life.
I have lost many friends to drugs and war.  One of my closest buddies in the Marine Corps was killed in Iraq by an improvised explosive device.  To this day, I wish it had been me instead of him.  But there is nothing I can do about it now except honor his memory.  Remembering his death gives me the strength to live my life to the fullest and help others do the same, especially when things get tough.  If I was meant to live and he was not, then I must prove to myself that there is worth to my life.  His death continues to help me give meaning to my life.
My own encounters with the grim reaper have only reinforced that meaning.
By learning how to die, I have learned how to live.
Buddha himself said, “Of all footprints, that of the elephant is supreme.  Of all mindfulness meditations, that on death is supreme.”  And he was enlightened.
If a multi-billionaire and an enlightened being both agree about the validity of a practice, there must be something to it.
By embracing death, we gain perspective on life.  The power of perspective reveals that the highs of life can never be as high without the lows.  Without one or the other, life becomes nothing more than a static line.  Something like the one that you see when a person’s heart stops beating.
Meditating on death is simply the act of acknowledging the end in order to fully appreciate the now.  Thus bringing passion back into life.
For it is only when we risk losing something that we truly find its value.  And what could be a greater risk than putting all that is, our very existence, on the line for something grand?

Reigniting the Inner Fire

After working in a 9-5 job for almost one and a half years, in March of 2012 I finally quit when I noticed myself dying.  I took $15,000 of the money I saved up, which was almost all of it, and spent one month dragging a 190-pound sled across 350 miles in temperatures as low as negative 40 degrees on the second largest icecap in the world in Greenland.
The constant misery and the daily struggle brought me closer to life.  It allowed me to feel the pulse of life course through my veins.  Although death was not a regular concern on the icecap, it did present itself as a threat in the form of crevasses early in the expedition and polar bears during the end of it.  Nonetheless, the suffering proved to be a worthy companion of death.  Both provided me with the opportunity to reflect on the joys and comforts of life.  Collectively, the experience reignited the fire within me to embrace my life and create my own destiny.
I returned home from the expedition with little money and built two businesses from the ground up.  I have been living life on my terms ever since.
Whether it is quitting your job to build a business, running a marathon or traveling to unknown parts of the world, any worthy endeavor requires risk, struggle and sacrifice.  Some of these things may even terrify you.  But ask yourself, is the fear of the unknown stronger than the most powerful of fears, the fear of a wasted life?
To help you answer that question, here are some steps to take to reignite your fire and embrace the most powerful impulse of the human spirit, your mortality:
For starters, practice the meditation mentioned above.  Simply sit down, close your eyes and concentrate on the meaning of death.  See your own death and feel the impact of it.  The time it takes to practice this meditation is less important than the emotion it produces within you.  It is vital for you to really feel what it means to be at the end of your life.  That emotion will drive you to make the changes you want.  Once you awake from this meditation, take one action to drive your life forward, so that when you do reach that point in time many moons from now, you will be able to answer, “No, I have no regrets!”
For those of you wishing to take it to the next level, get out there and actually experience the presence of death or its close counterpart, suffering.  Take action to put yourself in situations of discomfort and risk.  This could be in the form of deep sea diving, skydiving, mountaineering, traveling to unknown parts of the world, running a marathon, anything that pushes you physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually.  Within the unknown, you will find infinite possibilities to value every single moment you have on this planet.  First, you must take a leap.
The choice is yours.

Your turn…

I would love to hear your thoughts on the question I proposed above:
If you were to die tomorrow, what would you regret most?
Please leave a comment below and share your thoughts and insights.

Photo by: Hartwig HKD

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