20 Things Life is Too Short Not to Appreciate

post written by: Angel Chernoff

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Life is rarely perfect, but it’s always pretty darn good.

This morning I saw an elderly woman in a wheelchair rolling down the sidewalk in the pouring rain just outside the coffee shop where I was writing.  She was moving at a snail’s pace and I thought she might be struggling, so I ran out into the rain and asked her if she needed assistance or a dry resting spot.  She smiled and said, “I appreciate it, but the rain feels great against my skin.  I’m out here and going slow on purpose.”
I loved her sentiment – talk about the epitome of appreciating life.  And truthfully, life is simply too short for anything less.  When you’re young, you might feel like there’s a huge mass of time ahead of you.  But trust me, it passes much faster than you think.  You get grey hairs before you feel like a real adult.  And then you have kids, and suddenly they’re off doing their own things.  None of this is bad, of course.  It’s an extraordinary experience, as long as you pause long enough to appreciate it all.
So that’s what I want to reflect on today – quick reminders about the things life is just too short not to appreciate…

1. A peaceful, mindful present. – The best way to prepare for the future is to take care of the present.  Goodbyes will always hurt a little.  Photographs can never replace the act of being there.  Memories, good and bad, will sometimes bring tears.  And words can never perfectly describe the feelings they represent.  But that’s OK.  Pain is real.  But so is hope.  You have to make peace with your past in order to keep your present and future from becoming hopeless battles.
2. The good in everything. – The greatest weapon against stress is our ability to choose one thought over another.  Train your mind to see the good in everything.  Life is full of beauty.  Notice it.  Notice the breeze through the trees, the small child learning to walk, and the smiling faces.  Smell the rain, and feel the sun on your skin.  Live your life to the fullest potential, and fight for the beauty of each precious moment.
3. Life’s surprises. – Notice and cherish life’s surprises.  Just because it’s not what you were expecting, doesn’t mean it’s not everything you’ve been waiting for.  So take a deep breath when you’re rejected from something good.  It often means you’re being redirected to something better.  Be patient.  Be positive.  Keep going.  (Read The Road Less Traveled.)
4. The challenges that strengthen you. – Sometimes struggles are exactly what we need in life.  If we were to go through our life without any obstacles, we would be crippled.  We would not be as strong as what we could have been otherwise.  So give every opportunity a chance – leave no room for regrets.  It takes courage to change and grow and become who you really are.  Your struggle is part of your story.  And it’s a story worth writing.
5. Being YOU. – You’re an original, an individual, a masterpiece.  Celebrate it!  Don’t let your uniqueness make you shy.  Don’t be someone other than the wonder you are.  Everyone has their own dreams, their own struggles, and a different path that makes sense for them.  You are YOU for a reason.  Own it.
6. The gifts that are only yours. – Even when the competition seems fierce, realize that you are only ever competing against yourself.  When you catch yourself comparing yourself to a colleague, neighbor, friend, or famous personality, stop!  There’s no need.  You are different, with different strengths – strengths these other people don’t possess.  Take a moment to reflect on all the astounding abilities you have and to be grateful for the gifts that are only yours.
7. Ideas and activities that excite you. – Never give up on something that you can’t go a day without thinking about.  When you truly believe in what you’re doing, it shows, and it pays.  Success in life is for those who are excited about where they’re going.  So find something that you love – something that gets you so excited you can’t wait to get out of bed in the morning.  That’s what life is all about.  You deserve to be happy.  You deserve to live a life you are excited about.  Don’t let anyone or anything make you forget that.
8. The simple things. – It’s the simple things in life that are the most extraordinary.  I believe this to be true and have experienced this with my own family.  When I think of the times where we laughed the most or had the most fun, it was when we were doing simple, everyday things like swimming in a pool, taking a long walk, combing a beach for shells, playing a board game, or sharing a delicious meal.
9. The excitement and freedom of vulnerability. – Being vulnerable is helpful to both ourselves and others.  It makes us bigger in the world – the more open we are, the more there is of us out there.  So open up.  Allow yourself to feel, to be real and authentic.  Tear down any emotional brick walls you have built around yourself and feel every exquisite emotion, both good and bad.  This is life.  This is how you welcome new opportunities.
10. Inner beauty. – As if you were on fire from within, your magnificence lives in the lining of your skin.  In other words, beauty is not in the face; beauty is a light in the heart and soul.  Everything will line up perfectly when knowing and living the truth of who you are on the inside becomes more important than looking good on the outside.  (Read A New Earth.)
11. Giving without expecting anything in return. – As a child, I always thought the expression, “It’s better to give than to receive” was trite and silly.  As an adult, I recognize the expression’s value.  Having the capacity to give means you possess a mindset of abundance.  Having the will to give means you want to make a difference in the world.  Having the desire to give means you care.  And nothing is more powerful than that.
12. The feeling of doing the right thing. – There is plenty of good in this world and it’s worth paying attention to and fighting for.  So always seek and do what is right, not what is easy.  BE the change you want to see.
13. The act of loving. – Love is a lifestyle.  Let love win.  Love fearlessly and without limits.  No act of love or kindness, no matter how small, is ever wasted.  Love never loses in the long run.  Where you invest your love, you invest your life.
14. Everyone around you for being who they are. – If you judge people, you have no time to love them.  So pay close attention, and respect people for who they are and not for who you want them to be.  Loving and respecting others means allowing them to be themselves, whether you choose to be a part of their life or not.
15. The whole truth. – It’s better to be hurt by the truth and grow from it, than be comforted by a lie.  And beware of half-truths too – you may have gotten ahold of the wrong half.  Open your eyes.  You must see things how they are instead of how you hoped, wished or expected them to be.  Sometimes it’s hard to accept the truth when the lies were exactly what you wanted to know, but be strong.  Life is too short to live a lie.
16. Your self-respect. – It’s always better to be alone with dignity than in a relationship that constantly requires you to sacrifice your happiness and self-respect.  When you let someone repeatedly hurt you, you are saying to them, “You matter more to me than my own self-respect and dignity.”  You must take a stand and be willing to part ways with people whom you know you’ve given numerous chances to.  Though letting go can cause lots of initial pain, it may be necessary medicine, providing you with the best possible life in the long run.
17. The dualities of life. – Experience life in all possible ways – the good and the bad, the bitter and the sweet, the dark and the light, the summer and the winter.  Experience all of life’s dualities.  Don’t be afraid of experience, because the more experience you have, the more life you truly live, and the more clearly you understand just how beautiful it is.
18. The balance between feeling good and growing. – We must consistently check with ourselves: “Am I committed to feeling good right now, or am I committed to growing?”  Either way is fine for the moment, as long as you dance between the two in the long run.  Because growth does not always feel good, and feeling good does not always provide growth.  And both are necessary states of being.
19. A healthy body. – Your health IS your life.  Never underestimate the gift of feeling strong and well.  It’s the greatest wealth you will ever own.  It’s the foundation for every chance at happiness and success life has to offer.  So cut the excuses and treat yourself right!  Take care of your body every single day – it’s the engine of your desires, and the only place you will ever truly live.
20. Aging. – Manage aging, but why fight it?  You can spend a fortune on face creams, plastic surgery, hair growth formulas, and Botox, but eventually you realize you are fighting an uphill battle.  Groom yourself nicely.  Stay fit.  Have unhealthy things removed.  But accept the beauty of aging.  A striking, mature man or woman is much more attractive than someone who looks overly taunt, tanned or top-heavy.  Remember, the allure of a truly beautiful person, with passing years only grows.

Your turn…

What would you add to the list?
What is life too short not to appreciate?
Please leave a comment below and share your thoughts with the community.
Photo by: James Jordan

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10 Toxic Habits that Drain Your Energy

post written by: Marc Chernoff

i

It’s time to break the habits that have been holding you back.  Respect yourself enough to let go of the mindsets and routines that have been sucking you dry.

Bear with me for a moment.  You know when you’re driving to an unfamiliar place, blasting the radio while simultaneously watching your GPS spit out directions?  Then you suddenly get to that one part of the route that’s ridiculously confusing, so you lower the volume even though it has no direct impact on the way you read the directions?
That is your life.  The radio noise you need to cut out to concentrate?  That is the needless, energy-sucking noise in your head.
Turning down the radio in the car re-energizes your mind and offers you clarity when you need it most.  You don’t really think about how or why this makes such a huge difference, you just know that it does.
Now it’s time to apply this same principle to all the other noise in your life, starting with the noise in your head.
But how?
The first step is to eliminate toxic, energy-sucking habits that support this noise.  With over ten years of experience as life coaches behind us, here are ten such habits Angel and I have seen thousands of people struggle with, again and again:

1. Pretending like everything is OK when it isn’t. – Do you feel overwhelmed?  Do you feel like giving up?  There’s honestly no shame in it.  You are not a robot; and even if you were, you’d still need to stop for maintenance sometimes.  There’s no shame in admitting to yourself that you feel exhausted, doubtful, and low.  This is a natural part of being human.  The simple fact that you are aware of this means you are able to turn things around.  It’s okay to fall apart for a little while.  You don’t always have to pretend to be strong, and there’s no need to constantly prove that everything is going well.  You shouldn’t be concerned with what other people are thinking either – cry if you need to – it’s healthy to shed your tears.  The sooner you do, the sooner you will be able to smile again.
2. Letting pain from the past devastate the present. – I am stronger because of the hard times, wiser because of my mistakes, and happier because I have known sadness.  The same is true for you.  Every difficult conversation you have had included someone who was teaching you something about yourself.  Every trying situation contains an opportunity for deeper self-reflection and learning.  Every irritant, heartbreak, frustration, disappointment, and fearful moment is a teacher.  Remember, nothing is as bad as it seems.  Nothing.  There’s a benefit and a blessing hidden in the folds of every experience and every outcome.  So don’t you dare give up on today because of the way things looked yesterday.  Don’t even think about it.  Every day is a new day to try again.  (Read The Road Less Traveled.)
3. Believing that your best days are either in front of you or behind you. – You spend your whole life stuck in the labyrinth, thinking about how you’ll escape one day, and how incredible it will be, and imagining that pristine future keeps you going, but you never do it.  You just use the future to escape the present.  This is precisely what keeps so many of us stressed and unhappy.  The flipside is true as well – obsessing about the past.  What you need to accept is that there are only two days in the year that nothing can be done.  One is yesterday and the other is tomorrow.  So today, this moment, is the right time to love, to laugh, to work and to live boldly.  Yes, this moment needs your undivided attention, for this is the only time and place you are truly alive.
4. Trying to hold on to who you were before one of life’s storms. – Hard times are like strong storms that blow against you.  And it’s not just that these storms hold you back from places you might otherwise go.  They also tear away from you all but the essential parts of your ego that cannot be torn, so that afterward you see yourself as you really are, and not merely as you might like to be.  This is a great thing.  It may seem impossible now, but one day you will look back at the storms you have weathered and give a silent thank you.  For many of us, it is the storms of our lives that have given us compassion, kindness, and gentleness that we otherwise may not have known – and that we can now give away to others, because these qualities are inside of us.
5. Resisting change and growth. – You must consistently check with yourself and ask: “Am I committed to feeling good, or am I committed to growing?”  Because growth does not always feel good, and feeling good does not always provide growth.  Neither is wrong, as long as there is balance.  The important thing is to remember that being uncomfortable is important too, and this discomfort often arrives right on time.  Don’t avoid it – embrace it.  Channel your energy into progress.  All growth begins at the end of your comfort zone.  When you’re feeling uncomfortable, know that the change taking place in your life is a beginning, not an ending.
6. Worrying and worrying and worrying and never taking action. – Worry is the biggest enemy of the present moment.  It does nothing but steal your joy and keep you very busy doing absolutely nothing at all.  It’s like using your imagination to create things you don’t want.  Break this negative habit!  It is far better to be exhausted from effort than to be tired of doing nothing but worrying.  Don’t waste your effort avoiding effort.  Go ahead and get it done.  Today, ask yourself what is really important and then have the courage to build your day around your answer.
7. Sacrificing all of your Self for everyone else. – Don’t sacrifice yourself too much, because if you do, there will be very little left that you can give to anyone, even those you love dearly.  Whenever you feel trapped and it’s difficult to breathe, let me remind you – don’t forget to secure your own oxygen mask first.  Taking care of yourself does not make you selfish; it makes you selfless.  In fact, it’s the truest form of selflessness one can experience.  Only through attentive self-care can you care for others.  In order to truly have a loving, supportive relationship with someone else, you need to learn how to be your own best friend first.  It’s all about falling in love with yourself first and sharing that love with others who appreciate you, rather than looking for love to compensate for a self-love deficit.
8. Taking everything personally. – There is a huge amount of freedom that comes to you when you take nothing personally.  And rarely do people do things because of you anyway.  They do things because of them.  So even when it seems personal, it probably isn’t.  Remember this.  And when you find yourself feeling angry, heartbroken, or victimized by the actions of another, see if you can you find within you any seed of softness, some place deep within that understands how much pain that person must be in, how burdened their soul must be, how devastatingly hardened they must be in their heart in order to behave in a way that is surely out of alignment with their own integrity.  (Read The Four Agreements.)
9. Letting negative thoughts get the best of you. – Don’t believe everything you hear – even in your own mind.  Choose to be miserable and you’ll find plenty of reasons to be miserable.  Choose to be happy you’ll find plenty of reasons to be happy.  It is this simple 99% of the time.   Talking about our problems is our greatest addiction.  Break this negative habit.  Talk about your joys, your loves, and your dreams instead.  Be outrageously and unreasonably positive.  Be funny and creative and ridiculous and joyful all at the same time.  It’ll make you feel better.
10. Refusing to let go a little and open up to uncertainty. – True happiness takes courage.  I’m talking the vulnerable, put yourself out there and risk looking like a fool sort of courage.  It’s not easy, to push the limits of your vulnerability, to dig deeper and deeper into the core of who you are as an individual and not only love and accept the imperfect parts of yourself, but also expose them to others.  You’ve got to be willing to break free from the norm, appear uncool and stop caring so much about what everyone thinks.  It’s about taking a stand.  In fact, we’ve ALL got to take the time to slow down, to break away from the crazy pace in life and take a minute to sit and stare at the sky without checking for the next text, watch the sunset without uploading it to Instagram, and just free ourselves to be ourselves.  We’ve got to shelve our egos and say “yes” to the present moment, to love, to opening ourselves up to being hurt beyond hurt again, and above all, to saying “yes” to taking chances.

The floor is yours…

If you can relate to any of these toxic habits, remember, you are not alone.  We all get caught up in our own heads sometimes, doing things that hold us back from our true potential.  The key is awareness – recognizing these habits and changing them.
So, what’s one toxic habit or thinking pattern that sometimes drains your energy?  How do you cope?  Leave a comment below and share your insight with us.
Photo by: Lauren Rushing

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25 Things to Remember When Life Gets Rough

post written by: Marc Chernoff

“You may encounter many defeats, but you must not be defeated.  Because it may be necessary to encounter the defeats, so you can know who you are, what you can rise from, how you can still come out of it.”
―Maya Angelou

Oftentimes things have to go wrong in order to go right.  In fact, if the road you’re traveling is always easy, you’re likely going the wrong way.  Some part of you knows this is true.  Nevertheless, when life gets especially rough, it can be hard to remember.
So print this post out and let it remind you that, in the darkest moments, every failure is only a necessary step toward success, every discovery of what is wrong directs you toward what is right, every arduous trial today exhausts some tempting form of future mistake, and every adversity will only hide, for a short time, your ultimate path to happiness and success.
Here’s what you need to keep in mind when life gets rough:

1. It is your resistance to “what is” that causes your suffering. – Remember, happiness is allowing yourself to be perfectly OK with “what is,” rather than wishing for and worrying about “what is not.”  “What is” is what’s supposed to be, or it would not be.  The rest is just you, arguing with life.  Think about that for a minute.  This means your suffering only ever occurs when you resist how things are.  You cannot control everything that happens to you; you can only control the way you respond to what happens.  In your response is your power.
2. Where you are right now is a necessary step. – Sometimes we avoid experiencing exactly where we are because we have developed a belief, based on our ideals, that it is not where we should be or want to be.  But the truth is, where you are right now is exactly where you need to be to get to where you want to go tomorrow.
3. Not getting what you want can be a blessing. – Yep, not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of good luck, because it forces you to reevaluate things, opening new doors to opportunities and information you would have otherwise overlooked.
4. Things will change (again) sooner than you think. – You’re not going to avoid change.  Change is the process of life itself.  In fact, everything is changing every single minute of our lives.  However good or bad a situation is now, it will change.  That’s the one thing you can count on.
5. You have to be specific about how you intend to move forward. – Don’t be someone who goes through greater lengths to avoid change than you do to obtain what you desire.  Your life will begin to improve when you define precisely what “improve” means to you.  The agonies and frustrations will start to ease only when you have something real and positive to replace them with.  Be specific.  Happiness is not a goal, it’s the result of a life well lived.  The question is:  How do you want to live going forward?
6. You can’t change situations you don’t take responsibility for. – Sigmund Freud once said, “Most people do not really want freedom, because freedom involves responsibility, and most people are frightened of responsibility.”  Don’t let this be you.  When you blame others for what you’re going through, you deny responsibility – you surrender power over that part of your life.  (Read Awaken the Giant Within.)
7. Your attitude can improve your situation, or degrade it. – No matter how bad things are, you can always make things worse.  Remember this.  You can’t have a positive life with a negative attitude.  When negativity controls your thoughts, it limits your behavior, actions, and opportunities.  If you realized how powerful your thoughts were, you would never think another negative thought again.
8. Other people’s negativity isn’t worth worrying about. – Truth be told, what others say and do, and the opinions they have, are based entirely on their own self-reflection.  Don’t take things too personally.
9. Anger is poison. – Always forgive people and move on, even if they never ask for your forgiveness.  Don’t do it for them – do it for you.  The best medicine is a strong dose of love, laughter and letting go.  Just like we would never allow even a tiny bit of poison to be in our food, let us not allow even a tiny bit of anger to live in our heart.
10. You are strong enough to rise above this. – Don’t allow your temporary wounds to permanently transform you into someone you aren’t.  A strong person is not one who doesn’t cry; a strong person is one who cries for a moment openly, and then gets up and fights again for what they believe in.
11. Your struggles are the path. – You are not what you have done – you are what you have overcome.  Your struggles aren’t found on the path – they ARE the path.
12. You have to rough it and risk it sometimes. – Life is inherently risky.  But there is only one risk you should avoid at all costs, and that’s the risk of doing nothing.  Get out there and make something happen, even if it’s just a small step in the right direction.  Strive for progress, not perfection.
13. Failure you learn from is always a step forward. – When he was working on inventing the light bulb, Thomas Edison famously said, “I have not failed.  I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.”  In other words, he believed he never once failed at inventing the light bulb, he just first found thousands of ways that it didn’t work, which led him to the one way that did.  So take your so-called “failures” and learn something from them.  Learn how to do it better next time.  That’s what’s important.
14. Finding the lesson is the key. – A happy, effective mindset is really dependent on perspective.  If you think something is a problem, then your thoughts and emotions will be negative.  But if you think it’s something you can learn from, then suddenly, it’s not a problem anymore.  In almost every case, nothing is stopping you, nothing is holding you back but your own thoughts and ideas about yourself and “how life is.”
15. Everyone has their own challenges… everyone has their own journey. – It is meaningless to compare one with the other.  We all need our own time to travel our own distance.  It’s perfectly OK to be different.  Today, the only person you should try to be better than, is the person you were yesterday.
16. You really are pretty amazing. – Even when life gets rough, you need to be willing to bet on yourself.  It’s the one investment in the world you can control better than anything else.  YOU are worth it!  (Read Choose Yourself!)
17. Being kind to yourself is the best medicine. – Your self-worth has nothing to do with your craft, your calling or your success, and everything to do with how you treat yourself.  Always be kind.
18. Being kind to everyone around you is imperative too. – Kind words can be short and easy to speak, but their echoes are endless.  Be kind whenever possible.  And realize that it is always possible.  What goes around comes around.  You know this.
19. Letting others in when you’re in a dark place helps. – No, they won’t always be able to pull you out of the dark place you’re in, but the light that spills in when they enter will at least show you which way the door is.
20. Gratitude improves every situation. – Even in the most peaceful surroundings, the ungrateful heart finds trouble.  Even in the most troublesome surroundings, the grateful heart finds peace.  Remember this.  There is always, always, always something to be thankful for.  Life is better when you’re smiling.  Being positive in a negative situation is not naive; it’s a sign of leadership and strength.  You’re doing it right when you have so much to cry and complain about, but you prefer to smile and appreciate your life instead.  Ask yourself: What if you woke up tomorrow with only the things you were grateful for today?
21. Rough times help you appreciate the good times. – If everything was always smooth and perfect, you’d get too used to that, you know?  You have to have a little bit of chaos and disorder in your life now and then.  Otherwise you will never really enjoy it when things go right.
22. All the small victories are worth celebrating. – Sometimes we forget to pause and appreciate all our little victories.  Remind yourself: It’s the small things done well that make a big life.
23. It’s OK to give up on things that aren’t getting better. – Move forward with no second-guessing, no guilt trips, no hesitation.  Your purpose is to let go and then recreate yourself anew in each moment.  There’s a big difference between giving up and knowing when you have had enough.  Sometimes we have to move on to move forward.
24. You are not trapped; you just need to re-learn a few things. – We all have doubts that make us feel trapped at times.  If you doubt your ability to make a life-altering decision, to take on a new chapter in your life, or to fend for yourself after years of being overly-fostered, consider this:  Surely if a bird with healthy wings is locked in a cage long enough, she will doubt her own ability to fly.  You still have your wings, but your muscles are weak.  Train them and stretch them slowly.  Give yourself space.  You’ll be flying again soon.
25. Great things take time. – By all means, find ways to be more efficient in your work.  But make no mistake that it takes diligent effort through good times and bad to build something worthwhile.  There are certainly some success stories out there about people who excelled rather quickly, but you will often find they had put in years of related work long before anyone was paying attention to their seemingly rapid success.  In other words, their current state of achievement is simply all those years of work coming together flawlessly in the present.  So start every morning ready to run farther than you did yesterday and fight harder than you ever have before.  It won’t be easy, but it will be worth it in the end.

Afterthoughts

One of life’s greatest gifts is the fact that life is difficult.  Because in dealing with life’s difficulties, we build invaluable strength.  This strength enables us to successfully fulfill our deepest, most meaningful purposes.  It is precisely because life is difficult that we are able to make it great.  It is because life is difficult that we are able to rise above the difficulties.  We are able to make a difference and we are able to truly matter.
So keep this in mind:
When times are tough, you must be tougher.  Don’t pray for an easy life; pray for the strength to endure a tough one that leads to greatness.

The floor is yours…

What do you try to remember when life gets rough?  What thoughts, beliefs, quotes, etc. give you the strength you need to take another step forward?  Please leave a comment below and let us know.
Photo by: Jack Fussell

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10 Choices You Won’t Regret in 10 Years

post written by: Marc Chernoff

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I don’t regret the things I’ve done.
I regret the things I didn’t do when I had the chance.

In the end, more than anything else, we regret the chances we didn’t take, the relationships we were too afraid to have, and the decisions we waited too long to make.
Think about it…
The big opportunity you procrastinated on.  That friend you never called.  Those important words you left unspoken.
You know what I’m talking about.
Every one of us has experienced feelings of regret.  But it’s not too late to set things straight.  We’re still here breathing.  Today we have an opportunity to change tomorrow.  Right now we can choose to erase regret from our later years.
It’s time to make the best of each and every day.  Here are some ideas to get you started – ten things you can start doing now that you won’t regret 10 years down the road:

1. Explore what YOU love, and own it. – If you spend your life trying to define yourself by what someone else loves, you’re going to be miserable.  Try things – try everything.  Explore.  See what makes you hear music inside and what makes your heart swell, and then go do it.  Find out everything you can about it.  Find other people who love it too.  If you waste time pretending to like something just because other people you think are “cool” like it, you’re going to end up with the wrong people and circumstances in your life.  Love what you love and be yourself, and you will end up with a lifestyle and relationships that make you truly happy.
2. Live YOUR idea of your life, every day. – As you’re working on point #1, you will inevitably meet people who want to steer you in a different direction – their direction.  Just remember, what’s right for them may be wrong for you, and vice versa.  The truth is that the world isn’t really as it is, but as we see it.  And we all see it differently.  If you end up living a boring, miserable life because you completely ignored yourself and instead listened to a parent, a peer, or some gal on TV telling you how to live your life, then you have no one but yourself to blame.  Honestly, the smartest and most courageous act is simply to think for yourself and listen to you own intuition.  It’s better to die your way, than live someone else’s idea of your life.  (Read Choose Yourself!)
3. Wake up every morning and get the RIGHT things done. – The world does not owe you a living.  You owe the world a life.  So stop daydreaming and start DOING.  Develop a backbone, not a wishbone.  Take full responsibility for your life – take control.  You are important and you are needed.  It’s too late to sit around and wait for somebody to do something someday.  Someday is now; the somebody the world needs is YOU.  Focus on being productive, not being busy.  Don’t just get things done; get the right things done (and this includes things in your personal life too).
4. Put down your smartphone and be more present. – Is there anything worse than getting somewhere and not realizing how you got there?  Even worse is only realizing how great something is after it’s gone.  Living in the present is a basic notion, but as with most simple things, we often find a way to complicate it.  But there’s nothing complicated about learning to appreciate and notice life as it’s happening.  There’s nothing complicated about being present.  You won’t remember the cool Instagram photo you saw on your feed anyway.  You will, however, want to remember the conversations you had and the stories you lived through.  So put down the darn phone.
5. Practice relentless kindness. – Kindness is always the best response to any situation.  When you grow older and you look back on your life, you will inevitable forget a lot of the stuff that seemed so important when you were young.  You probably won’t remember what your high school or college GPA was.  You will look at your old classmates on Facebook (or some other online social network) and wonder why you ever had a crush on that girl/guy.  And you will have the toughest time remembering why you let certain people from your past get the best of you.  But you will never forget the people who were genuinely kind – those who helped when you were hurt, and who loved you even when you felt unlovable.  Be that person to others as often as possible.  (And, as you know, what goes around comes around.)
6. Love yourself, too. – More likely than not, the first person who caught your eye wasn’t “The One.”  And the second, third or fourth probably wasn’t either.  You know why?  It’s because YOU are the one.  Love isn’t something out there somewhere that someone else can give to you.  It’s already inside you.  It’s that sacred part of each of us that makes us human.  And some of the best moments in life are when you truly connect with someone else and share the love you already have inside with them.  But don’t ever forget to love yourself, first.  When you start by loving and respecting yourself, it makes giving that love to other people infinitely better.  You’re going to meet so many amazing people in your life, and I hope you do fall in love with someone else.  Just remember to fall in love with your own life too, because no one else can do that for you.
7. Work a little less and spend a little more time smiling with people you love. – You’ve heard the saying, “The best things in life are free.”  Well spending quality time with family and friends, enjoying the antics of a pet, seeing your son smile, experiencing intimate and heart-felt moments with your significant other – these times are precious and priceless.  Don’t get so caught up in the rat race, working 60+ hours a week, to the point where you are too stressed and exhausted to enjoy your closest relationships.  By simplifying your lifestyle and making conscious choices along the way, it is possible to live on less, and thus work fewer hours and enjoy more of what truly matters.  (Read The Joy of Less.)
8. Say what you need to say. – Speak up.  Don’t hide your thoughts and feelings, especially when you can make a difference.  Be brave.  Say what needs to be said.  Many people suppress their feelings in order to keep peace with others, or to shield themselves from potential rejection.  As a result, they settle for a mediocre existence and never become who they are capable of becoming.  Even worse, many of these people develop illnesses relating to the bitterness and resentment they carry as a result.  Don’t be one of them.  Hearts are often broken by words left unspoken, and this includes your own heart.
9. Leave toxic relationships behind. – You deserve respect.  You deserve it from your family, your friends, your coworkers – from everyone in your life.  The best way to receive respect from others is to begin by respecting yourself.  Speak clearly and keep your head up.  Stand up for what you believe.  Make choices that you feel good about.  And if someone in your life is being disrespectful‚ call them on it.  If things don’t change, you need to limit the amount of time and influence they have in your life.  We need people in our lives who challenge us and disagree with us, so we can see things from new perspectives.  We don’t need to be constantly torn down by toxic people who don’t respect us though.  It can be difficult to leave a long-term relationship, even when our inner-wisdom tells us it’s time to let go.  But make no mistake, all failed relationships hurt, but letting go of a toxic relationship is a gain, not a loss.
10. Let go of those who are already gone. – You’re going to mingle with a lot of people in your lifetime.  You’re going to have first kisses you feel all the way down to your toes and think “Oh my gosh, I love him,” but really… you loved the kiss.  You’re going to meet a friend you think you will know forever, but then something will change and you two will go your separate ways.  You’re going to explore different parts of your life with different people who aren’t in it for the long haul, and that isn’t a bad thing.  Life is a series of stories, and the way our stories intersect is remarkable.  Sometimes people are in our lives for the whole story.  Sometimes they are just a short chapter or two.  It takes a brave person to know when that chapter is over, and then to turn the page.  Be brave.  Embrace your goodbyes, because every “goodbye” you receive in life sets you up for an even better “hello.”

Afterthoughts

If you’re struggling with any of these points, know that you are not alone.  Many of us are right there with you, working hard to feel better, think more clearly, and live a life free of regrets. 
The bottom line is that it’s never too late to take a step in the right direction.  It’s never too late to become the person you are capable of being.  Things can change if you want them to, at any age.  Right now you have an opportunity to write yourself a future full of peace and free of regret.

Your turn…

What would you add to the list?
What have you done lately that you know you will NOT regret in 10 years?
Leave a comment below and share your thoughts and insights.
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12 Toxic Behaviors that Push People Away From You

post written by: Marc Chernoff

Your behavior is a little thing that makes a big difference.

In our line of work, Angel and I hear from hundreds of coaching clients every month.  Through this experience, we’ve come across scores of toxic behaviors that push people away from each other.  And we’ve witnessed the devastation these behaviors cause – to relationships, to personal and professional growth, and to the general well-being of both the individual behaving negatively, and to everyone in their life.
Let’s be honest – we’ve all acted in toxic, damaging ways at one time or another.  None of us are immune to occasional toxic mood swings, but many people are more evolved, balanced and aware, and such occurrences happen only rarely in their lives.
Whether your toxic behavior is a common occurrence, or just a once in a blue moon phenomena, it’s critical for your long-term happiness and success that you are able to recognize when you’re behaving negatively, and consciously shift your mindset when necessary.
The twelve most common toxic behaviors we see are:
1.Being envious of everyone else. – Don’t let envy (or jealously) get the best of you.  Envy is the art of counting someone else’s blessings instead of your own.  There is nothing attractive or admirable about this behavior.  So stop comparing your journey with everyone else’s.  Your journey is YOUR journey, NOT a competition.  You are in competition with one person and one person only – yourself.  You are competing to be the best you can be.  If you want to measure your progress, compare yourself to who you were yesterday.

Taking everything too personally. – People are toxic to be around when they believe that everything happening around them is a direct assault on them or is in some way all about them.  The truth is that what people say and do to you is much more about them, than you.  People’s reactions to you are about their perspectives, wounds and experiences.  Whether people think you’re amazing, or believe you’re the worst, again, is more about them.  I’m not suggesting we should be narcissists and ignore all feedback.  I am saying that so much hurt, disappointment and sadness in our lives comes from our taking things personally.  In most cases it’s far more productive and healthy to let go of other people’s good or bad opinion of you, and to operate with your own intuition and wisdom as your guide.  (Read The Four Agreements.)

Acting like you’re always a victim. – Another toxic behavior is persistent complaining that fuels your sense of victimization.  Believing you’re a victim, that you have no power to exert and no power over the direction of your life, is a toxic stance that keeps you stuck.  Working as a life coach with people who have suffered major trauma in their lives but found the courage to turn it all around, I know we all have access to far more power, authority, and influence over our lives than we initially believe.  When you stop complaining, and refuse to see yourself as a helpless victim, you’ll find that you are more powerful than you realized, but only if you choose to accept this reality.

Hoarding pain and loss. – One of the hardest lessons in life is letting go – whether it’s guilt, anger, love or loss.  Change is never easy – you fight to hold on and you fight to let go.  But oftentimes letting go is the healthiest path forward.  It clears out toxic thoughts from the past.  You’ve got to emotionally free yourself from the things that once meant a lot to you, so you can move beyond the past and the pain it brings you.  Again, it takes hard work to let go and refocus your thoughts, but it’s worth every bit of effort you can muster.

Obsessive negative thinking. – It’s very hard to be around people who refuse to let go of negativity – when they ruminate and speak incessantly about the terrible things that could happen and have happened, the scorns they’ve suffered, and the unfairness of life.  These people stubbornly refuse to see the positive side of life and the positive lessons from what’s happening.  Pessimism is one thing – but remaining perpetually locked in a negative mindset is another.  Only seeing the negative, and operating from a view that everything is negative and against you, is a twisted way of thinking and living, and you can change that.

Lack of emotional self-control. – An inability to manage your emotions is toxic to everyone around you.  We all know these people – those who explode in anger and tears over the smallest hiccup or problem.  Yelling at the grocery store clerk for the long line, screaming at an employee for a small error she made, or losing it with your daughter for spilling juice on the floor.  If you find that you’re overly emotional, losing your cool at every turn, you may need some outside assistance to help you gain control over your emotions and understand what’s at the root of your inner angst.  There’s more to it than what appears on the surface.  An independent perspective – and a new kind of support – can work wonders.

Making superficial judgments about others. – Don’t always judge a person by what they show you.  Remember, what you’ve seen is oftentimes only what that person has chosen to show you, or what they were driven to show based on their inner stress and pain.  Alas, when another person tries to make you suffer in some small way, it is usually because they suffer deep within themselves.  Their suffering is simply spilling over.  They do not need punishment or ridicule, they need help.  If you can’t help them, let them be.

Cruelty (or lacking empathy and compassion). – One of the most toxic behaviors – cruelty – stems from a total lack of empathy, concern or compassion for others.  We see it every day online and in the media – people being devastatingly unkind and hurtful to others just because they can.  They tear people down online in a cowardly way, using their anonymity as a shield.  Cruelty, backstabbing, and hurting others for any reason is toxic, and it hurts you as well.  If you find yourself backstabbing and tearing someone else down, stop in your tracks.  Dig deep and find compassion in your heart, and realize that we’re all in this together.

Cheating and cutting moral corners simply because you can. – Cheating is a choice, not a mistake, and not an excuse!  If you decide to cheat, and you succeed in cheating someone out of something, don’t think that this person is a fool.  Realize that this person trusted you much more than you ever deserved.  Be bigger than that.  Don’t do immoral things simply because you can.  Don’t cheat.  Be honest with yourself and everyone else.  Do the right thing.  Integrity is the essence of everything successful.

Hiding your truth. – People cannot connect with you if you’re constantly trying to hide from yourself.  And this becomes a truly toxic situation the minute they become attached to your false persona.  So remember, no matter what age, race, sex, or sexuality you are, underneath all your external decorations you are a pure, beautiful being – each and every one of us are.  We each have light to shine, and missions to accomplish.  Celebrate being different, off the beaten path, a little on the weird side, your own special creation.  If you find yourself feeling like a fish out of water, by all means find a new river to swim in.  But DO NOT change who you are; BE who you are.  Don’t deny yourself, improve yourself.  (Read The Untethered Soul.)

Needing constant validation. – People who constantly strive for validation by others are exhausting to be around.  Those men and women who get caught up in the need to prove their worth over and over and over, and constantly want to win over everyone around them, are unintentionally toxic and draining.  Know this.  Over-attaching to how things have to look to others can wear you out and bring everyone else around you down.  There is a bigger picture to your life, and it’s not about what you achieve in the eyes of the masses.  It’s about the journey, the process, the path – what you’re learning, how you’re helping others learn too, and the growing process you allow yourself to participate in.

Being a stubborn perfectionist. – As human beings, we often chase hypothetical, static states of perfection.  We do so when we are searching for the perfect house, job, friend or lover.  The problem, of course, is that perfection doesn’t exist in a static state.  Because life is a continual journey, constantly evolving and changing.  What is here today is not exactly the same tomorrow – that perfect house, job, friend or lover will eventually fade to a state of imperfection.  But with a little patience and an open mind, over time, that imperfect house evolves into a comfortable home.  That imperfect job evolves into a rewarding career.  That imperfect friend evolves into a steady shoulder to lean on.  And that imperfect lover evolves into a reliable lifelong companion.  It’s just a matter of letting perfectionism GO.

The floor is yours…

If you can relate to any of these toxic behaviors, remember, you are not alone.  We all have unhealthy personalities buried deep within us that have the potential to sneak up on us sometimes.  As stated above, the key is awareness – recognizing these behaviors and stopping them in their tracks.
So, what toxic behaviors (or mood swings) sometimes sneak up on you?  What toxic behaviors push you away from others?  How do you cope?  Leave a comment below and share your insights with us.
Photo by: Brett Arthur Donar

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40 Things We Forget To Thank Our Best Friends For

post written by: Angel Chernoff

inS

I don’t need a certain number of friends,
just a number of friends I can be certain of.

Some of my best friends are family, some I’ve known since I was a kid, and others are newer friendships that continue to grow stronger by the day.  Although they are all very different, every one of them is extraordinary.  I wouldn’t be who I am today without these people in my life.  And despite the fact that I know this, I often take my best friends for granted.  I forget to thank them, for almost everything.  So here’s my attempt at setting the record straight:

1. “Thank you for making so many ordinary moments, extraordinary.” – Yes, sometimes the most ordinary things can be made extraordinary, just by doing them with the right people.
2. “Thank you for always giving me the extra push I need.” – A best friend is someone who will inspire you to be who you always knew you could be.  Keep this in mind.  Anyone who helps you make your half-hearted attempts more whole-hearted through kindness, commitment and teamwork, is a keeper.
3. “Thank you for telling me the truth.” – Remember, being honest might not always get you a lot of friends, but it will always get you the right ones.  Too many of us prefer gentle lies to hard truths.  But make no mistake, in the end it’s better to be hurt by the truth than comforted by a lie.  Best friends tell each other the truth, always.
4. “Thank you for talking things out with me.” – Lots of problems in the world would disappear if we talked to each other instead of about each other.  So always communicate clearly with those closest to you, even when it’s uncomfortable and uneasy.
5. “Thank you for meeting me halfway.” – Best friends ultimately meet in the middle.  When there’s a disagreement, they work out a solution that works for both parties – a compromise, rather than a need for the other person to change or completely give in.
6. “Thank you for not getting in the way of the other important parts of my life.” – A healthy relationship will never require you to sacrifice your happiness, your other important relationships, your dreams, or your dignity.
7. “Thank you for being compassionate.” – Let their kindness and compassion remind you to pay it forward.  Always give those around you the “break” that you hope the world will give you on your own “bad day” and you will never, ever regret it.
8. “Thank you for thinking of me as often as you do.” – Make little gestures daily to show your best friends you care.  Knowing that a person you often think of has you on their mind too means a lot.
9. “Thank you for the compliments.” – It’s nice to be complimented, isn’t it?  Do not miss a chance – not one single, tiny opportunity – to tell someone you care about how wonderful they are and how beautiful they are, inside and out.
10. “Thank you for making time for me.” – When you are important to another person, they will always find a way to make time for you – no excuses, no lies, and no broken promises.
11.  “Thank you for your full presence.” – The best gift you can give someone you care about is the purity of your full attention.  That’s what best friends do for each other every time they’re together.  (Read The Mastery of Love.)
12. “Thank you for knowing when something is wrong with me.” – An incredible thing happens when we pay close attention to each other.  We help each other heal, sometimes before we even hurt.  A person who truly knows and loves you – a best friend – is someone who sees the pain in your eyes while everyone else still believes the smile on your face.
13. “Thank you for making the extra effort to understand me.” – It’s much easier to judge people than it is to understand them; understanding takes extra kindness and patience.  And this “extra” is always worth it.
14. “Thank you for not acting, judging, or treating me like you know me better than I know myself.” – Nuff said.
15. “Thank you for being willing to be wrong.” – Sometimes we must choose to be wrong, not because we really are wrong, but because we value our relationship more than our pride.
16. “Thank you for supporting my decisions.” – Don’t listen to those who tell you exactly what to do.  Listen to those special few who encourage you to do what you already know in your heart is right.
17. “Thank you for being loyal, even when we are apart.” – Best friends don’t grow apart, even when they are apart.
18. “Thank you for being there through good times and bad.” – The people who stick by you at your worst, deserve to enjoy being with you at your best.  In fact, the best thing about the toughest days of your life is that you get to see who your true friends really are.  The people truly worthy of “best friend” status are the ones that help you through hard times, and laugh with you after the hard times pass.  (Read The Friendship Factor.)
19. “Thank you for knowing that I can’t always be strong.” – Sometimes we must let a friend down because we can’t hold them up.  But “I can’t carry you” doesn’t mean, “I don’t love you.”  It may simply mean, “I’m struggling too.”
20. “Thank you for facing problems with me.” – Best friends are those who make your problems their problems too, just so you don’t have to go through them alone.  Don’t look for someone who will solve all your problems; look for someone who will face them with you.
21. “Thank you for going out of your way for me, even when it’s not convenient.” – You never want to waste your time with someone who only wants you around when it’s convenient for them.  Because that’s not what true friendship is all about.
22. “Thank you for actually wanting to be there for me.” – True friendship is never burdened with stressful promises and obligations.  What best friends do for each other should be done because they care and because they want to do them.  Period.
23. “Thank you for walking the talk.” – When we characterize people by their actions, we are never fooled by their words.  Best friends don’t just talk the talk, they walk it out.
24. “Thank you for believing in me.” – It’s amazing how far you are willing to go when someone believes in you.
25. “Thank you for encouraging me when I stumble.” – Return the favor when you’re able too.  We have enough critics.  Be an encourager.  One sincere word of encouragement after failure is worth more than a day of praise after success.  Be a blessing.  Be a friend.  Encourage someone special.  Take time to care.  Let your words heal, and not wound.
26. “Thank you for using caring words.” – You can measure the happiness of any close relationship by the number of scars that each member carries on their tongues and inner cheeks, formed over many years of biting back angry and insensitive words.
27. “Thank you for accepting me just the way I am.” – A best friend is someone who truly knows you, and loves you just the same.  Don’t change so people will like you.  Be yourself and the right people will love the real you.
28. “Thank you for making me feel comfortable in my skin.” – This is such an important reminder.  Be the type of person who makes everyone you come across feel perfectly OK and comfortable with being exactly who they are.
29. “Thank you for simply enjoying my company.” – Lots of relationships fail because we spend more time pointing out each other’s mistakes and not enough time enjoying each other’s company.
30. “Thank you for valuing my time.” – Anyone who is best friend material will value your time.  Period.  Never waste your time on someone who doesn’t value it.
31. “Thank you for showing me that you are grateful to have me in your life.” – Showing gratitude is one of the simplest yet most powerful things humans can do for each other.
32. “Thank you for supporting me in making myself a priority.” – Remember, putting yourself first does not mean being “selfish” – it means being self-aware.  It means not forgetting to love yourself, too.
33. “Thank you for sincerely loving me.” – Nothing changes the world for the better like one person deciding to love another, no matter what.  Today, invest your love in someone special, and thank those special friends who invest their love in you.
34. “Thank you for helping me love myself more too.” – What you give to another person is really what you give to yourself.  When you treat people you care about with love, you learn that you’re lovable too.
35. “Thank you for all the little things you do that make a big difference.” – Pay attention to the little things, because when you really miss someone, you miss the little things the most, like just laughing together.
36. “Thank you for being patient and forgiving when I step on your toes.” – No matter how honest and kind you try to be, you will occasionally step on the toes of the people closest to you.  And this is precisely why patience and forgiveness are so vital.  Patience is the ability to let your light shine on those you love, even after your fuse has blown.  And forgiveness is knowing deep down that they didn’t mean to blow your fuse in the first place.
37. “Thank you for not holding my unchangeable past against me.” – Sometimes happiness in relationships amounts to making peace with something that can’t be fixed.  Sometimes you let it go, and sometimes you hold it broken.  It amounts to forgiveness in any case.
38. “Thank you for not expecting our relationship to always be easy.” – Healthy relationships don’t just happen; they take time, patience and two people who truly want to work together to create something meaningful and lasting.
39. “Thank you for giving me the solitude and space I need.” – Remember, it’s healthy to spend time alone sometimes.  You need to know how to be alone and not be defined by another person.
40. “And most of all, thank you for being YOU.”

Your turn…

What would you add to the list?  What do you want to thank your best friends for?  Leave a comment below and share your thoughts.
Photo by: Chiara Vitellozzi

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20 Bad Excuses Holding Good People Back

post written by: Marc Chernoff

Live by choice, not by chance.  Make changes, not excuses.  Be motivated, not manipulated.  Work to excel, not compete.  Choose to listen to your inner voice, not the jumbled opinions of everyone else.

Over the years, likely without your conscious knowledge, you have adopted self-limiting beliefs that are quietly sabotaging your best efforts for personal growth.  If you pay close attention to your self-talk, these beliefs will reveal themselves in the form of excuses.
Truth be told, if you really want something, you will find a way.  If you don’t, you will find an excuse… and then you will live with that excuse every day of your life.
This is precisely what makes so many of us unhappy.
Angel and I speak with hundreds of coaching clients and blog subscribers every month, and this one self-defeating ailment always rears its ugly head eventually – excuses, excuses, excuses.  And I’m not above the excuses either.  I catch myself making them sometimes too.  But that’s the key – we have to catch ourselves before our excuses become hopeless regrets.
So let this be your wake-up call.
Stop making excuses for why you can’t get it done and start focusing on all the reasons why you must make it happen.
NO more negativity.  NO more laziness.  NO more quick fixes.  NO more blaming others.  NO more “I’ll do it tomorrows.”  NO MORE OF THESE EXCUSES:

1. “It’s too late.” – It’s never too late to live a life that makes you proud.  If you don’t learn anything else from this post, learn that.  We get one shot at this.  There’s no age limit on changing your course, and to settle in and be stuck in a life that isn’t authentic is a tragic waste.   Honestly, it’s never too late or too early to be who you are capable of being.  There’s no time limit – you can simply start and stop whenever you want.  You can change or stay the same.  You can make the best or the worst of it.  It’s up to you, so make the best of it.  Do things that startle you.  Feel things you’ve never felt before.  Spend time with people who help you grow.  Live a life you’re proud of.  And if you find that you’re not, have the courage to make a change.
2. “I’m not good enough yet.” – Nonsense!  Do your best and don’t be afraid to make mistakes.  If you are making mistakes, then you are making new things, trying new things, learning, living, pushing yourself, changing yourself, and changing the world for the better.  We can’t make anything valuable without making mistakes.  Not a painting, not a relationship, not a career, not a life.  If you wait until you have it all figured out to try, you will be waiting forever.
3. “I need approval first.” – Don’t be scared to step out of line.  It’s OK to go off the beaten path, as long as you know why going a different way is right for you.  Some people may resent the freedom that you create in your life when you choose to be true to yourself.  If you come across these people, ignore them and carry on.  Only when you require no approval from outside yourself can you own yourself.  If you’re being true to yourself and it isn’t enough for the people around you, change the people around you.  (Read The Road Less Traveled.)
4. “I don’t want to be judged.” – Most people are judging you far less than it seems.  The truth is, while you’re busy worrying about what others think of you, they’re busy worrying about what you think of them.  Crazy?  Yes, but true.  The good news is this knowledge instantly frees you to let loose and do more of what YOU want.  And while doing so, you’ll also liberate others to do the same.
5. “I don’t deserve it.” – There are two versions of this excuse.  The first makes you think that you are not worthy of something beautiful like love, respect, success and so forth.  The second makes you feel that you are unfairly targeted by life’s difficulties.  Either way, this excuse ties you up and holds you down.  It’s time to let this one go!  When you catch yourself wondering “Why me?”, ask “Why not me?”  Remember, in the grand scheme of things, you are just the same as everyone else; neither nature, nor God, displays favoritism or unfairness.  So learn to accept both the good and the bad that falls on your plate with grace.
6. “I have way too much to lose.” – In the end, you will not regret the things you have done nearly as much as the things you have left undone.  It’s always better to be left with a few “oh wells,” than a bunch of “what ifs.”  It’s better to have a lifetime full of experiences and mistakes you learned from, rather than a heart full of regrets and empty dreams.  Someday you will want to look back at your life and say, “I can’t believe I did that!” instead of, “Gosh, I wish I would have…”
7. “There’s just no point.” – Not with that attitude there isn’t.  A statement like this is self-defeat at it’s worst, and yet I hear it so often.  Snap out of it!  There is a point… The point is you’re helping yourself and others.  The point is you’re doing something positive.  The point is you’re taking action and trying.  The point is you’re not living in premature self-defeat.  You are taking your own ideas from concept to actualization.  You’re bringing value to the world.  Even if no one sees it, you can have the satisfaction of knowing you did the best you could.
8. “It’s too hard.” – Almost everything worth doing is hard.  Think about it.  When was the last time “easy” had a huge payoff for you?  In life, the hardest thing and the right thing are often the same thing.  You can’t underestimate a person who always works hard.  Be that person.  Because you don’t get what you wish for; you get what you work for.
9. “I’m unlucky.” – Not true.  Other people are NOT more lucky than you.  Pure luck is a myth.  If someone is “lucky” they are doing stuff behind the scenes you’re not seeing.  Taking action and simply doing something instead of making excuses will do wonders for your “luck.”  Ultimately, luck happens when preparation meets opportunity.
10. “I have too much baggage from my past.” – There comes a time when you have to choose between turning the page and closing the book.  Some stories need to end before new ones can begin.  Life is too short to spend at war with yourself.  Practice acceptance and forgiveness.  Letting go of the past is your first step to happiness today.
11.  “It wasn’t supposed to be like this to begin with.” – When we resist reality, we are imprisoned by it.  Period.  The secret to happiness and peace is letting every situation be what it is, instead of what you think it should be, and making the best of it.  Over time you will find that life isn’t necessarily any easier or harder than you thought it was going to be; it’s just that the easy and the hard aren’t exactly the way you had anticipated, and don’t always occur when you expect them to.  This isn’t a bad thing; it makes life interesting.  With a positive attitude you will almost always be pleasantly surprised.
12. “It’s out of my control.” – You cannot control everything that happens to you; you can only control the way you respond to what happens.  In your response is your power.
13. “With my disabilities (or circumstances), it’s impossible.” – Nothing is impossible.  Josh Blue is a hilarious stand up comic with cerebral palsy.  Nick Vujicic is a world-renowned preacher and motivational speaker who doesn’t have any arms or legs.  Kyle Maynard doesn’t have arms or legs either, and he’s an ESPY Award-winning mixed martial arts athlete, a motivational speaker, and known for becoming the first quadruple amputee to ascend Mount Kilimanjaro without the aid of prosthetics.  There are artists who create with their mouths, runners who win races on artificial legs, brilliant writers whose fingers never touch the keyboard and a host of other successful individuals with physical and mental disabilities who refuse to let their circumstances hold them back.
14. “I can’t commit right now.” – Fair enough, you have a lot on your plate.  But when can you commit?  Don’t use this excuse to push something aside forever.  If it’s genuinely interesting, look at your calendar and ask “When can I commit?” and put yourself on a productive path.  And if you don’t want to do it, be honest and admit you’re not interested.  People will always respect honesty over being strung along.  And you will feel less stressed with unnecessary obligations too.
15. “My kids (or family) take up too much of my time.” – No doubt, balancing kids (or family) with any kind of substantial personal goal is tough.  At the time of this writing, Angel and I have a newborn son, our own business, and several open projects in queue.  It’s a balancing act, but it’s doable.  If we can do it, you can too.  It requires self-control and maximum use of productive rituals and disciplines.  Even so, at the end of the day you may feel shattered sometimes.  Keep it up; you’ll build endurance.  This endurance doesn’t just make you a more effective goal achiever; it allows you to enjoy family time that much more too.
16. “I’m comfortable right now.” – The most common and harmful addiction in the world is the draw of comfort.  Why pursue greatness when you’ve already got 324 channels and a recliner?  Just pass the chip dip and forget about your grand plans.  NO!  The truth is, growth begins at the end of your comfort zone.  Stepping outside of your comfort zone will put things into perspective from an angle you can’t grasp now, and open doors of opportunity that would otherwise not exist.
17. “No one understands me.” – Everyone has their own life to worry about; everybody is busy.  At the end of the day, no one has the time or energy to figure anyone else out.  If it really matters to you that someone understands you, simply communicate and make it easy for them to do so.  Quit playing games and beating around the bush.  Say what you mean and mean what you say.  (And remember that it’s not necessary that everyone understands and agrees with you all the time.)
18. “Nobody cares about what I care about.” – Can you imagine what would happen if everyone behind a good cause took on this attitude?  We’d never have any charitable organizations, fuel-efficient cars, health breakthroughs, peace efforts, literacy drives, etc.  Forget about everyone else for a moment.  Care about something because it’s important.  Take a stand.  If you truly care, then become a champion of the cause and help others understand why you care so much, whether they agree with you or not.  (Read Choose Yourself!)
19. “I’ve already lost too much.” – The truth is, everything will be okay in the end.  If it’s not okay, it’s not the end.  We’ve all gone through some hard times, and you, personally, will likely go through more hard times in the future too.  But it’s worth it.  It builds character and teaches necessary lessons.  I can trace some of the best stuff in my life right now to things that were really hard when I was going through them.  So when things seem like they are impossible, or you feel like you are never going to feel better, just know that you will eventually look back in amazement at how far you have come.  Yes, it’s going to be okay.
20. “I can’t go on without those who are gone.” – This final point is indeed a tough one.  You have to remember, though, if someone comes into your life and has a positive impact on you, but for some reason they can’t stay, it doesn’t make sense to mourn forever.  Instead, be thankful that your paths crossed and that they somehow made you happy, even if it was just for a short while.  Life is change.  People really do come and go.  Some come back, some don’t, and that’s okay.  And just because one person leaves, doesn’t mean you should forget about everyone else who’s still standing by your side.  Continue to appreciate what you have, and smile about the memories.

Afterthoughts

Now think about it: If I eavesdropped on your self-talk, would I hear statements that empower personal growth and happiness, or statements that refute it?
The next time you decide to unclutter your life and clean up your space, start with your intellectual space by clearing out the old excuses and negative self-talk you often recite to yourself.

The floor is yours…

What would you add to the list?  What kind of negative self-talk gets in your way?  What’s one self-defeating excuse you need to stop making?  Share your thoughts with us by leaving a comment below.
Photo by: Chiara Vitellozzi

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10 Toxic Relationships Mentally Strong People Avoid

post written by: Marc Chernoff

All failed relationships hurt, but letting go of a toxic relationship is actually a gain, not a loss.

As youngsters we learn about sex education in grade school, the legality of marriage in our late teens, and perhaps some social psychology in college.  But when it comes down to actually handling the intricacies of real-world relationships, we’re given very little formal guidance… or worse, we’re given advice columns in online beauty magazines.
Yes, relationships are trial-and-error from the get-go.  And if you’re like most of us, you’ve experienced plenty of error along the way.
A big part of the problem is that many toxic relationship behaviors are baked right into our culture.  We worship the idea of carefree romantic love – you know, where two people ride off into the sunset happily ever after before they even truly know each other.  And we are raised to objectify our relationships and guard them like personal property.  Thus, our friends and lovers are often treated as assets rather than human beings of free will with whom to share true love and emotional support.
Fortunately, there’s been a lot of scientific research into healthy and happy relationships over the past few decades that have allowed people in the know to build their mental strength against toxic relationships and toxic relationship behaviors.  And that’s exactly what I want to share with you today – ten common types of toxic relationships mentally strong people learn to avoid:

1.  Relationships run by one person.

A relationship is toxic when one person is running it.  Period.
When you feel out of control or a little lost it can be tempting to look for someone willing to take charge of your life for you, just to alleviate the pressure.  But before you do consider this: If you put a collar around your own neck and hand the leash to someone else, you’ll have no say about where they lead you in life.
We should never feel powerless or trapped in a relationship.  In fact, if either person feels powerless or trapped, the relationship doesn’t really exist.  Because that’s what relationships are all about: freedom.
Yes, healthy relationships are built on a solid foundation of free will and teamwork.  And since relationships are one of the greatest vehicles of personal growth and happiness, the most important trip you will ever take in life is meeting someone else halfway.  You will achieve far more by working with them, rather than working against them or trying to control them.  It really is a full circle.  The strength of a relationship depends on the individual strength of its two members, and the strength of each member in the long run depends on the quality of the relationship.

2.  Relationships that are supposed to “complete” you.

Our culture, which is predicated on fantasies of romantic love, often suggests that once you meet “The One,” you will be lifted out of your misery or boredom and elevated into a state of perpetual wholeness and bliss.
So, it’s easy to believe that it’s your partner’s job to make you feel joyful and whole.  But the truth is, while a healthy relationship can certainly bring joy, it’s not your partner’s job to fill in your empty voids.  That’s your job and yours alone, and until you accept full responsibility for your emptiness, pain, or boredom, problems will inevitably ensue in the relationship.
The longing for completion that you feel inside comes from being out of touch with who you are.  Nobody else in this world can make you happy.  It’s something you have to do on your own.  And you have to create your own happiness first before you can share it with someone else.

3.  Relationships that rely on codependency.

When your actions and thoughts revolve around another person to the complete disregard of your own needs, that’s codependency, and it’s toxic.  When you set a precedent that someone else is responsible for how you feel at all times (and vice versa), then you both will develop codependent tendencies.  Suddenly, neither one of you is allowed to plan something without getting approval.  All activities – even the mundane things such as watching a TV program – must be negotiated and compromised.  When someone begins to get upset, all personal needs go out the window because it’s now your responsibility to make one another feel better.
The biggest problem of developing these codependent tendencies is that they breed resentment.  Sure, if Angel gets mad at me once because she’s had a crappy day and is aggravated and needs attention, that’s understandable.  But if it becomes an expectation that my life revolves around her emotional well-being 24/7, then I’m eventually going to become very bitter towards her feelings and desires.
As Jim Rohn once said, “The greatest gift you can give somebody is your own personal development.  I used to say, ‘If you will take care of me, I will take care of you.  “Now I say, I will take care of me for you, if you will take care of you for me.’”
In other words, take responsibility for your own emotions and expect your partner and friends to be responsible for theirs.  There’s a subtle yet important difference between being supportive and being obligated at all times.  Any sacrifices for others should be made as a self-directed choice and not seen as an obligation.  (Read Codependent No More.)

4.  Relationships based on idealistic expectations.

You don’t love and appreciate someone because they’re perfect, you love and appreciate them in spite of the fact that they are not.  “Perfection” is a deadly fantasy – something none of us will ever be.  So beware of your tendency to “fix” someone when they’re NOT broken.  They are perfectly imperfect, just the way they should be.
Truthfully, the less you expect from someone you care about, the happier your relationship with them will be.  No one in your life will act exactly as you hope or expect them to, ever.  They are not YOU – they will not love, give, understand or respond like you do.
The biggest disappointments in life and in relationships are the result of misplaced expectations.  Tempering unrealistic expectations of how something or someone “should be” will greatly reduce unnecessary frustration and suffering.
Bottom line: Any relationship that’s real will not be perfect, but if you’re willing to work at it and open up, it could be everything you’ve ever dreamed of.

5.  Relationships where past blame is used to justify present righteousness.

When someone you’re in a relationship with continues to blame you for your past mistakes, your relationship is toxic.  If both people in the relationship do this it becomes a hopeless battle to see who has screwed up the most over the years, and therefore who owes the other one more of an apology.
When you use someone else’s past wrongdoings in order to try and justify your own present righteousness, it’s a lose-lose situation.  Not only are you dodging the current (valid) issue itself, but you’re digging up guilt and bitterness from the past to manipulate the other person into feeling wrong in the present.
If this goes on long enough, both people in the relationship eventually spend most of their energy trying to prove that they’re less guilty than the other rather than solving the present problem.  They spend all of their time trying to be less wrong for each other instead of being more right for each other.
You must recognize that by choosing to be in a relationship with someone, you are choosing to be with all of their prior mistakes.  If you don’t accept those mistakes, then ultimately, you do not accept them.  If something bothered you that much in the past, you should have dealt with it then.  It’s time to let bygones be bygones.

6.  Relationships built on daily lies.

Trust is the foundation of a healthy relationship, and when trust is broken it takes time and willingness on the part of both people to repair it and heal.  All too often, I’ll hear a coaching client say something like, “I didn’t tell him but I didn’t lie about it, either.”  This statement is a contradiction, as omissions are lies too.  If you’re covering up your tracks in any way, it’s only a matter of time before the truth is revealed and trust in the relationship is broken.
Remember, an honest adversary is always better than a friend or lover who lies.  Pay less attention to what people say, and more attention to what they do.  Their actions will show you the truth in the long run.
If you catch someone you care about lying to you, speak up.  Some people will lie to you repeatedly in a vicious effort to get you to repeat their lies over and over until they effectively become true.  Don’t partake in their nonsense.  Don’t let their lies be your reality.  Don’t be afraid to stand up for the truth – YOUR truth.  Forgiveness and reconciliation can’t begin until this truth is told.

7.  Relationships that lack forgiveness and the willingness to rebuild trust.

Failing to understand that broken trust CAN be repaired leads to a grim future.
When trust is broken, which happens in nearly every long-term relationship at some point, it’s essential to understand that it can be repaired, provided both people are willing to do the hard work of self-growth.
In fact, it’s at this time, when it feels like the solid bedrock of your relationship has crumbled into dust, that you’re being given an opportunity to shed the patterns and dynamics with each other that haven’t been serving you.  It’s painful work and a painful time, and the impulse will be to leave, especially if you believe that broken trust cannot be repaired.  But if you understand that trust levels rise and fall over the course of a lifetime you’ll be more likely to find the strength to hang in, hang on, and grow together.

8.  Relationships in which passive aggression trumps communication.

Passive aggressive behavior takes many forms but can generally be described as a non-verbal aggression that manifests in negative behavior.  Instead of openly expressing how they feel, someone makes subtle, annoying gestures directed at you.  Instead of saying what’s actually upsetting you, you find small and petty ways to take jabs at someone until they pay attention and get upset.
This is obviously a toxic relationship situation.  It shows that you two are not comfortable communicating openly and clearly with one another.  A person has no reason to be passive-aggressive if they feel safe expressing any worries or insecurities within the relationship.  A person will never feel a need to hide behind passive aggression if they feel like they won’t be judged or criticized for what they are thinking.
In healthy relationships, feelings and desires are shared openly.  Make it clear that the other person is not necessarily responsible or obligated to your ideas and opinions, but that you’d love to have their support.  If they care about you, they will likely give it, or at least compromise in some way.

9.  Relationships governed by emotional blackmail.

Emotional blackmail is when someone applies an emotional penalty against you when you don’t do exactly what they want.  The key condition here is that you change your behavior, against your will, as a result of the emotional blackmail.  In other words, absent the emotional blackmail you would do differently, but you fear the penalty so you give in.  This is extremely toxic behavior.
The solution, as with passive aggression, is simply better communication.  There should never be a penalty, just an honest conversation.  It’s crucial for both people in a relationship to know that negative thoughts and feelings can be communicated safely to one another without there being penalties and harsh repercussions.  Otherwise people will suppress their true thoughts and feelings which leads to an environment of distrust and manipulation.
Perhaps there’s something that really bothers you about your friend or lover.  Why aren’t you saying something?  Are you afraid they’ll get upset?  Maybe they will and maybe they won’t.  Either way you need to deal with it upfront, constructively, and avoid burying it until it worsens, festers and explodes out of you.
Remember, it’s fine to get upset at someone you care about or to not like something about them.  That’s called being an imperfect human being.  Understand that committing to a person and always liking a person’s choices is not the same thing.  One can be committed to someone and not like everything about them.  On the contrary, two people who are capable of communicating sincere criticism towards one another without judgment or emotional blackmail will strengthen their commitment to one another in the long run.  (Read Emotional Blackmail.)

10.  Relationships that are always put on the back burner.

Failing to carve out quality time for important relationships is one of the most toxic relationship mistakes of them all, and yet it often goes unnoticed… at least for a while… until everything starts falling apart.
The truth is, relationships are like any other living entity: they require dedicated time in order to survive and thrive.  It’s easy to allow life to take over, especially when you have young children, work, and a body that needs nourishing food and exercise.  But your relationship with someone is a body as well, and if it’s not watered with quality time every week, it will start to wither.  Make time every week to focus only on those you care about, and time every day to pour even just a few minutes of quality interaction into your closest relationships.
Nothing you can give is more appreciated than your sincere, focused attention – your full presence.  Being with someone, listening without a clock and without anticipation of the next event is the ultimate compliment.  It is indeed the most valued gesture you can make to another human being.

The floor is yours…

What would you add to the list?  What toxic relationship circumstances and behaviors do you try to avoid?  Leave a comment below and share your thoughts.

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