5 Reminders for Finding Strength and Peace in Times of Grief

OST WRITTEN BY: MARC CHERNOFF

                                                                                                    

“There’s a saying in Tibetan philosophy, “Tragedy should be used as a source of strength.”  My grandmother always repeated this line to me when I was growing up.  Every time I dealt with some kind of adversity, she would graciously remind me that my current struggles were helping me grow stronger.

Sometimes, though, in the midst of chaotic stress and hardship, it’s almost impossible to maintain such a positive perspective.  That’s where the five reminders below come into play.  I review them from time to time to remind myself that my struggles are giving me an opportunity to grow, and to use what I’ve learned to make a positive difference.  Today, I pass them on to you in hopes that they help you find some extra inner strength and peace when you need it most.

1.  Your troubles are gradually improving you.

“You may encounter many defeats, but you must not be defeated.  In fact, it may be necessary to encounter the defeats, so you can know who you are, what you can rise from, how you can still come out of it.”
―Maya Angelou

Someday when you least expect it life will blindside you with necessary chaos.  And once the chaos has ended, you won’t remember exactly how it all transpired, how you made it through, or where you found the strength you needed to carry on.  You won’t even be sure whether the chaos has completely ended.  But there is one thing you can be sure about:  When it does finally come to an end, you will be a much stronger person than who you were before it happened, which is precisely why it was necessary.

So let your scars remind you that you did indeed survive your deepest wounds.  This in itself is a major accomplishment.  And let them continue to bring to mind the fact that the damage life has inflicted on you has, in many ways and places,left you stronger and more resilient.  What hurt you in the past has actually made you better equipped to face the present.

2.  You are strong enough to cope with life’s necessary ups and downs.

“The greatest glory in living lies not in never falling,
but in rising every time we fall.”
― Nelson Mandela

Although it may be hard to see, the human capacity for pain and hardship is like bamboo – far more flexible than you would ever believe at first glance.

Sadly, we are often taught at an early age that all pain is evil and harmful.  Yet, how can we ever deal with real life and true love if we’re afraid to feel what we really feel?  We need to feel pain, just as we need to feel alive and loved.  Pain is meant to wake us up.  Yet we try to hide our pain.  Realize this.  Pain is something to carry willingly, just like good sense.  Because you can only learn how strong you are when being strong is the only choice you have.

And remember that it isn’t just the big struggles in life that require this kind of strength of character and resilience.  With the right moral support behind them, almost anybody can rise up for a short time to face a crisis or a crushing tragedy with courage, but to meet the petty troubles and unexpected hazards of each day with a laugh – that requires a strong spirit.

This is the kind of strength you should strive to develop daily.  Realize that that all of life is simply a game that you must play as skillfully and fairly as you possibly can.  If you lose a round, learn to shrug your shoulders and laugh, and do the same when you win.  (Read The Last Lecture.)

3.  Your fears only exist in your head.

“Do one thing every day that scares you.”
―Eleanor Roosevelt

Fears are thoughts, not realities.  And courage is the cure.

Can you be courageous even if you are scared to death?  Of course – in fact, that’s the only time you truly can be courageous.  Courage is not the absence of fear; it is being fearful and doing it anyway.

You must be daring enough to dare.  Taking no chances means wasting your dreams.  Yes, it will be nerve-racking at times, but don’t be afraid of your fears.  They’re not there to stop you; they’re there to let you know that your dreams are meaningful and worthy of the effort and personal growth required to achieve them.

When times are hard it can be difficult to follow your heart and take another step, but it’s a tragedy to let the lies of fear stop you.  Although fear can feel overwhelming, and defeats more people than any other force in the world, it’s not as powerful as it seems.  Fear is only as deep as your mind allows.  You are still in control.  So take control!

The key is to acknowledge your fear and directly address it.  Fight hard to shine the light of your words upon it.  Because if you don’t, if your fear becomes a wordless, obscure darkness that you avoid, and perhaps even manage to briefly forget, you open yourself to future attacks from fear when you least expect it.  Because you never truly faced the opponent who defeated you.  (Read Daring Greatly.)

4.  You are in control of your present thoughts, actions, and reactions.

“You have power over your mind, not outside events.
Realize this, and you will find strength.”
―Marcus Aurelius

What you might think of as your destiny is really just your circumstances, and these circumstances can be modified.  Understanding that you are fully responsible and in control of your circumstances through your actions and attitude is crucial.  This realization does not need to be a discouraging either, because it simply means you are free to make changes as you see fit.

Regardless of what has happened in your life, you are not chained to the past.  It may have shaped your feelings toward yourself, your abilities, and what seems possible based on your background, but all of this can be modified if you are willing to examine how the past has shaped your present thinking.  In other words, you can change your life by changing your thoughts, provided you have the courage to dissect the origins that created them.

So do not let the pain of a situation make you hopeless.  Do not let negativity wear off on you.  Do not let the bitterness steal your sweetness.  Even though others may disagree with you, take pride in the fact that you still know the world to be an amazing place.  Carry on accordingly.

5.  YOU are worthy of YOUR love, attention, and respect.

“To say ‘I love you’ one must know first how to say the ‘I.’”
―Ayn Rand

Love is the force of life.  Where there is love inside you, there is life inside you.

When you are unsure and unwilling, you pull back from life.  When you are loving and accepting, you open yourself to all the greatness life has to offer.  You need to learn to love yourself first, with all your eccentricity and imperfections.  If you can’t open your heart and mind to yourself, you can’t possibly open them to love others or any passions buried inside you.

When self-love is present, you can take risks and experience curiosities, astonishments, sudden joy, or any occurrence that reveals the beauty of your growing spirit.  Even if things don’t turn out as planned, you still have a foundation of love and acceptance within you to fall back on.  Because when you continue to love yourself even when it hurts, eventually there will be no more hurt, only more love.

So remember…

Too many people overvalue what they are NOT and undervalue what they are.  Don’t be one of them.

Self-respect, self-worth, and self-love.  There’s a reason they all start with “self.”  You can’t receive them from anyone else

Closing Thoughts

“Tough times don’t last – tough people do.”  Repeat this to yourself as often as you need to.

From every wound there is a scar, and every scar tells a story – a story that says, “I learned and I survived.”  There are moments when troubles enter your life and you can do nothing to avoid them, but they are there for a reason.  Only when you have overcome them will you understand why they were there.  So be brave and press forward.  You will not see the light at the end of the tunnel until you walk through the darkness.

Your turn…

What would you add to the list?  What little reminders (wisdom, quotes, lyrics, etc.) do you review to find inner strength and peace in times of grief?  Leave a comment below and share your thoughts and insights?

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8 Things Emotionally Stable People Don’t Do

POST WRITTEN BY: MARC CHERNOFF

“I don’t want to be at the mercy of my emotions.  I want to use them, to enjoy them, and to dominate them.”
―Oscar Wilde

Last night I received an email (creatively) titled “Emotionally Stable People Don’t Do This” from a reader named Karl.  In it he describes a rather chaotic emotional roller coaster that he’s been on for the past few years, personally and professionally.  And then he wrapped up his email with this:

“Truly, I love your book and blog.  Both have helped me get through some seriously tough times.  But even though I’ve made progress, I often struggle with my emotions.  I persistently let every little problem get the best of me.  So I was wondering, what do emotionally stable people NOT do?  I’m asking because, even though I’ve made progress, I know I’m still holding on to old habits that are holding me back.  I need some reminders of what NOT to do!”

There are a million ways to answer Karl’s question (especially as it relates to his unique life situation), but since emotional stability is something all of us struggle with at times, I figured I’d take a stab at answering his question in a general sense, for all of us.  Here’s what emotionally stable people don’t do:

1. They don’t take other people’s behavior personally. – It’s easy to feel unloved and unwanted when people aren’t able to communicate and connect with you in the way you expect.  And it’s so hard not to internalize that disconnection as a reflection on your worth.  But the truth is, the way other people behave and function is not about you.  Most people are so caught up in their own problems, responsibilities and struggles, that the thought of asking you how you’re doing doesn’t even cross their mind.  They aren’t being mean or uncaring – they’re just busy and a bit self-centered at times.  And that’s OK.  It’s not evidence of some fundamental flaw on your part.  It doesn’t make you unlovable or unworthy.  It just means that some people aren’t very good at looking beyond their own egocentric bubble.  But the fact that you are – that despite the darkness you feel, you have the ability to share your love and light with others – is an incredible strength.
2. They don’t get caught up in petty arguments and drama. – Being strong and emotionally stable doesn’t mean you have to stay and fight all the battles and petty arguments that come your way.  It means just the opposite – you don’t have to stay and respond to other people’s rude remarks and unnecessary hostility.  When you encounter someone with a bad attitude, don’t respond by throwing insults back at them.  Keep your dignity and don’t lower yourself to their level.  True strength is being bold enough to walk away from the nonsense with your head held high.  (Read Loving What Is.)
3. They don’t just react (they respond mindfully). – A reaction is a hot, thoughtless, in-the-moment burst of emotion that’s usually driven by our ego (we’re more likely to react when we’re disconnected from our rational mind).  It might last just a split second before our intuition kicks in and offers some perspective, or it might take over to the point that we act on it.  When we feel angry or flustered after dealing with a situation or person, that’s a sign we’ve reacted rather than responded mindfully.   Responding mindfully will leave you feeling like you handled things with integrity and poise.
4. They don’t get stuck thinking the world is ending. – Sometimes the darkest times can bring you to the brightest places, your most painful struggles can grant you the greatest growth, and the most heartbreaking losses of relationships can make room for the most wonderful people.  What seems like a curse at the moment can actually be a blessing in disguise, and what seems like the end of the road is actually just the realization that you are meant to travel a different path.  No matter how difficult things seem, there’s always hope.  And no matter how powerless you feel or how horrible things seem, you can’t give up.  You have to keep going.  Even when it’s scary, even when all your strength seems gone, you have to keep picking yourself back up and moving forward, because whatever you’re battling in the moment, it will pass, and you will make it through.  You’ve made it this far, and you’ve felt this way before.  Think about it.  Remember that time awhile back when you thought the world was ending?  It didn’t.  And it isn’t ending this time either.
5. They don’t tie their present emotions to past negativity. – When we’re in the ‘here and now,’ it’s much easier to cope with emotions and see them as just that: emotions.  If we get caught up obsessing over the past, emotions and situations can take on new (and untrue) meanings as they become attached to stories.  For example, imagine you just got turned down for a new job.  Naturally you’re disappointed.  But if you’re not present with that emotion, and instead try to act like a tough girl or guy by burying it, the mind delves back into your past for all the other times you’ve felt that way.  Now you feel like a failure and you start to carry a feeling of unworthiness into every future job interview.  When we stay present, we’re empowered to start fresh every moment and we can see every situation with a sharpened perspective, which allows us to grow beyond the negative emotions (and outcomes) standing in our way.  (ReadThe Power of Now.)
6. They don’t try to escape change. – Sometimes, no matter how uncomfortable it makes us feel to admit it, there are things in our lives that aren’t meant to stay.  Change may not be what we want, but it’s always exactly what’s happening.  The Earth does not stop spinning.  And sometimes saying goodbye is the hardest thing you will ever have to do.  Or, saying hello will make you more vulnerable and uneasy than you ever thought possible.  Some changes are almost too much to bear.  But most of the time, change is the only thing that will save your life and allow you to dream and grow and succeed and smile again.  Life changes every single moment, and so can you.
7. They don’t try (or pretend) to be perfect. – Despite what others may tell you, you can disappoint people and still be good enough.  You can fail and still be smart, capable and talented.  You can let people down and still be worthwhile and deserving of love and admiration.  Everyone has disappointed someone they care about at some point.  Everyone messes up, lets people down, and makes mistakes.  Not because we’re all inadequate or inept, but because we’re all imperfect and human.  Expecting anything different is setting yourself up for confusion and disappointment.
8. They don’t spew hate at themselves. – When you catch yourself drowning in self-hate, you must remind yourself that you were not born feeling this way.  That at some point in the past some person or experience sent you the message that something is wrong with you, and you internalized this lie and accepted it as your truth.  But that lie isn’t yours to carry, and those judgments aren’t about you.  And in the same way that you learned to think negatively of yourself, you can learn to think new, positive and self-loving thoughts.  You can learn to challenge those false beliefs, strip away their power, and reclaim your self-respect.  It won’t be easy, and it won’t transpire overnight.  But it is possible.  And it begins when you decide that there has to be a better way to live, and that you deserve to discover it. 

Closing Thoughts

Looking after our emotional wellness helps us get the very most out of life.  When we feel emotionally stable, we feel more centered and connected to our intuition.  We become more productive, better at making decisions, more present, and more fulfilled.

So now that we’ve covered eight big “don’ts,” let’s close with a few rapid-fire “do’s” to improve your emotional stability and wellbeing in general…

• Do… understand that the problem is not the problem – the problem is the incredible amount of over-thinking you’re doing with the problem.
• Do… realize that just because you can, doesn’t mean you should.  Just because it’s easy, doesn’t mean it’s worth your while.  Do what’s right in life, not what’s easy.
• Do… know there’s a big difference between empty fatigue and gratifying exhaustion.  Life is too short.  Invest in the activities you deeply care about.
• Do… admit when you are wrong, and then embrace the fact that you are wiser now than you were before.
• Do… say “no” so your yeses have more oomph.
• Do… be so busy loving the people who love you that you don’t have time to worry about the few people who don’t like you for no good reason.
• Do… focus more on being interested than being interesting.
• Do… express gratitude and think about how rich you are – your family and friends are priceless, your time is gold, and your health is true wealth.
• Do… realize that if the grass looks greener on the other side, it’s time to stop staring… stop comparing… stop complaining… and start watering the grass you’re standing on.
• Do… be old enough to appreciate your freedom, and young enough to enjoy it.
• Do… see transitions in life as the perfect opportunity to let go of one situation and embrace something even better coming your way.

Your turn…

What’s one habit or belief that has slowed you down and weakened your emotional stability?  How have you coped?  Leave a comment below and share your thoughts and insights.

Photo by: Slave Stojanoski

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7 Things to Remember When You Feel Discouraged and Defeated

POST WRITTEN BY: MARC CHERNOFF

The worst enemy to productivity and creativity is self-pity.

This morning I didn’t feel like doing anything.  It’s a combination of exhaustion from a few days of hard work, and a lack of sleep with a baby in the house.

I couldn’t motivate myself to do anything important, which is a rare occurrence for me.  I just felt completely discouraged and defeated.  I started overthinking things and doubting myself, and wondering whether anything I do is worthwhile.

I sat there in this funk for nearly an hour and wondered how to get out of it.  Should I just forget about today?  Should I just give up on this project, because I’m not as good at it as I thought I was?

That’s what I was considering, at least for a little while.  But the better part of me knew this mild state of depression was temporary, and so I dug into my own intellectual toolbox for solutions – little tricks of the mind that can have a real effect on reality.

Here’s what works for me – seven things to keep in mind (and do) when you feel discouraged and defeated:

1.  You are not the center of the universe (stop making it all about YOU).

I think we all have the tendency to put ourselves at the center of the universe, and see everything from the viewpoint of how it affects us.  But this can have all kinds of adverse effects, from feeling sorry for ourselves when things aren’t going exactly as planned, to doubting ourselves when we aren’t perfect.

So this morning, instead of worrying so much about myself, I thought about other people I might help.  Finding little ways to help others gets me out of my self-centered thinking, and then I’m not wallowing in self-pity anymore – I’m starting to think about what others need.  I’m not doubting myself, because the question of whether I’m good enough or not is no longer the central question.  The central question now is about what others need.

Thus, thinking about others instead of oneself helps solve feelings of discouragement and defeat.

2.  It is your resistance to ‘what is’ that causes your suffering (be present).

This morning my mind was ruminating about every time and place other than the time and place I was in.  When I caught myself doing this, I brought my focus back to the present.

Remember, happiness is allowing yourself to be perfectly OK with ‘what is,’ rather than wishing for and worrying about ‘what is not.’  ‘What is’ is what’s supposed to be, or it would not be.  The rest is just you, arguing with life.  Think about that for a minute.  This means your suffering only ever occurs when you resist how things are in the present.

Although you can’t control everything that happens to you; you can only control the way you respond to what happens.  In your response is your power.  In your power is your presence.  (Read A New Earth.)

3.  You are more than one thing (loosen up and stretch your identity).

We all have this picture in our minds of ourselves – this idea of what kind of person we are.  When this idea gets threatened, we react defensively.  People may question whether we did a good job, and this threatens our idea of being a competent person, so we become angry or hurt by the criticism.  Someone falsely accuses us of something and this threatens our idea that we’re a good person, and so we get angry and attack the other person.  My identity of myself as someone who’s motivated and productive and has great ideas… this was getting in the way this morning.  When I wasn’t productive, it made me feel defeated because I began subconsciously worrying that I wasn’t who I thought I was.

My solution was to realize that I’m not just one thing.  I’m not always productive – sometimes I am, but sometimes I’m unproductive too.  I’m not always motivated — sometimes I am, but other times I’m feeling lazy.  And obviously I don’t always have great ideas either – because that’s impossible.  The truth is, I can be many things, and remembering this helps me stretch my identity so it isn’t so fragile.  Then it doesn’t matter if someone thinks I didn’t do a good job – because I don’t always do a good job.  I make mistakes.  I am less than perfect.  And that’s perfectly OK.

4. Today is still a priceless gift (make the best of it).

I only have so many days left on Earth.  I don’t know how many that is, but I do know it’s a very limited number.  I know that each one of those limited days is a gift, a blessing… a miracle.  And that squandering this miracle is a crime – a horrible lack of appreciation for what I’ve been given.  And so, I reminded myself this morning that this day counts and that I still need to make the best of it.  That doesn’t mean I need to be hyper-productive or work myself into the ground, but that I should do something worthwhile.

Sometimes taking a break to nourish yourself is a worthwhile activity, because doing so allows you to regroup and do other worthwhile things.  But just sitting around in self-pity isn’t helpful.  So I got up and took my 8-month old son, Mac, for a long walk that we both enjoyed, and I came back feeling better.  (Read The Miracle Morning.)

5.  Complaining is only making matters worse (find a solution).

When I get in a funk, I have a tendency to complain out loud to everyone around who’s close enough to hear me.  Obviously, this doesn’t help them, or me.  And as soon as I catch myself doing this, I force myself to shift gears.

The bottom line is that you will never get to where you want to be by complaining about where you are now.  Each step in your life is preparing you for the one that comes after it.  Complaining does not work as a strategy.  We all have limited time and energy.  Any amount of time we spend whining is unlikely to help us achieve anything worthwhile.  And it won’t make us any happier either.

If you took 10% of the energy you put into complaining and applied it to solving your present problem, you’d be surprised by how well and how fast things can work out.  (I forget this sometimes, which is why I’m writing it down again – to remind myself.)

Working as a life coach for the past decade with people who’ve suffered major trauma in their lives but found the courage to turn it around, I know we all have access to far more power, authority, and influence over our lives than we often believe.  When you stop complaining, and refuse to see yourself as a helpless victim, you’ll find that you are more powerful than you realized, but only if you choose to accept this reality.

6. Feeling discouraged and defeated is a sign that it’s time to make a change (make that change).

It could be a change of heart, a change in your perspective, or a change in your habits.  But the point in any case is that the way you are doing things is no longer working.

When we feel discouraged and defeated, typically our first instinct is to look outside of ourselves for someone or something to blame.  In reality, we ought to be looking at how we’re feeling, what we’re thinking, and how we plan to respond.

Your life is your responsibility.  While you can’t always change what’s outside of you, you can certainly change your perception of it.  And the funny thing is, when you change the way you look at things, the things themselves change, which paves the way for positive action.

7.  Even the tiniest possible step is progress. (take a tiny step NOW).

It can be hard to get moving when you’re seriously stuck.  This is how I felt a decade ago when I was stuck in a rut after simultaneously losing two loved ones to illness and my breadwinning job.  It was really hard to motivate myself when I didn’t think I had the strength to push forward – when I felt insanely horrible and sorry for myself.  But I took one tiny step every day, and it felt good, and I got stronger.

That’s what I did this morning too – I took the tiniest possible step.  Just turning on my computer, opening up a document, and writing a single sentence.  Such an action is so small as to seem insignificant, and yet so easy as to be possible when I was feeling defeated.  And it showed me the next step was possible, and the next.  And the end result is this blog post you’re reading now.

Closing Thoughts

Yes, I’m still feeling out of it, but not defeated.  I’m feeling stronger, because I took these steps.

I know some of you feel the same way from time to time, maybe more often than you’d like to admit.  That’s OK.  We all do.  We aren’t machines, constantly charged up and ready to fire on all cylinders.  We are human, which means we falter, we doubt, and we feel pain sometimes.

And this too shall pass.

Your turn…

What would you add to the list?  What do you try to keep in mind to motivate yourself when you’re feeling discouraged and defeated?  Leave a comment below and share your thoughts and insights?

Photo by: Tony Di Messi

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10 Courageous Ways to Live Life Without Regrets

POST WRITTEN BY: ANGEL CHERNOFF

“Life is inherently risky.  There is only one big risk you should avoid at all costs, and that is the risk of doing nothing.”
―Denis Waitley

Have you ever wondered what gives some people the willingness to move without fear or hesitation?

They do things you believe you can’t do because you’re afraid of the outcome, of the unknown, of the pain.

You see people who can let go of things that might matter to them, and move on with their lives without struggling too much.  You see people who can quit or change their jobs, end difficult relationships, and travel around the world, just like that.

Sometimes you regret not trying harder to follow in the footsteps.  And you wonder…

What do these people have that I don’t?  What’s their secret?

Well, I’ve studied the lives of dozens of courageous (and also successful) people over the years, and I’m happy to share these time-tested strategies for courageously living your life without regrets:

1. Be as weird as you are. – Don’t be afraid to provoke the status quo.  Maybe some of your ideas are crazy.  But crazy ideas are what shake the world.  Crazy ideas make revolutions.  So don’t be afraid to be different, and don’t be afraid to break traditions.  Sure, some people will be frustrated and opposed to your weirdness.  Some people might even criticize you.  But even if it takes time for them to embrace your ideas, you’re showing them a new way of thinking.  You’re planting a seed in their heads and opening their minds – and you’re opening your own mind too.  The minute you understand that you can be weird and mold life your own way, you allow yourself to shake off the erroneous notion that life is just there, and that you’re just going to exist in it, rather than embrace it, change it, improve it, and truly live it.
2. Choose to act even when you’re unsure of your ability. – Everyone has doubts about their abilities.  You might think you’re not good enough, not smart enough, or not strong enough.  And it’s OK if you’re not great at something, because you don’t have to be.  It doesn’t matter if you don’t do things perfectly either.  What matters is that you dare to try.  Instead of looking at the end result (the big picture), divide your project into pieces and tackle the piece you feel most comfortable with first.  You need to be content with small steps in life.  Honestly, that’s all life is – small steps that you take every day, and then one day when you look back down the road it all adds up and you know you covered some serious distance.  (Read The Miracle Morning.)
3. Fearlessly follow your intuition. – Intuition is seeing with the soul.  It’s about giving your God-given instincts a say in the matter.  Of course, at first this may seem irrational.  You might think the more you over-analyze, the more you’ll make good decisions, right?  But more often than not, doing so can actually lead you to make poorer decisions.  Exclusively using your rational mind, or relying on your ego, keeps you safe and secure – meaning there’s no room to take calculated risks and learn and grow from them.  Using your rational mind 24/7 allows your fears to overcome you.  And those fears can cloud the signals that your body – that powerful communicator and receptor – sends you.  So you need to be in the present and pay attention to your body’s sensations: tightness in the chest, goose bumps, odors, visions, etc.  That’s your intuition!  Don’t be afraid to make decisions that seem a little irrational from the outside, yet feel totally right on the inside.
4. Stand up for your values (even at the risk of rejection). – Never compromise your values.  Don’t let the fear of being rejected stop you from affirming what’s important to you.  The right people will respect you more and hold you in higher regard if you’re rigorous about your principles, if you’re honest, and if you stay consistent about what you believe in.  This is a powerful way to solidify your relationships and to gain mutual trust… Maybe not in the beginning, but in the long run.  Furthermore, standing up for your values instantly makes you a leader, as it’s the most heroic quality one can aspire to.
5. Speak your mind even if your voice shakes. – At times, you may think your word has no weight.  But it does (regardless of how miniscule you may think it is).  Your opinion will be an eye-opener for some people, and it will be a source of liberation for others.  We all have an altruist nature buried within.  We all want to help the people around us in some way.  So instead of being stuck in your mind, ask yourself how your thoughts and words might help the ones around you, and focus on them instead of the ones you believe might judge you.  Let people take you as you are, or not at all.  By being yourself, you put something beautiful into the world that was not there before.  And this helps everyone who’s worth helping (including YOU).
6. Be willing to be vulnerable. – Nothing is wrong with telling someone else how you truly feel.  Sharing something personal makes you stronger in people’s eyes, and most importantly in your own.  Being able to show the real you when most people would rather hide behind a fake mask is an admirable quality.  So don’t be ashamed to shed a tear.  Being vulnerable only shows that you’re able to face the truth – even the hard truth – with dignity.  Open yourself up.  Allow yourself to feel, to be mindful and authentic.  Tear down any emotional brick walls you have built around yourself and experience every exquisite emotion, both good and bad.  This is real life.
7. Be willing to be judged. – Don’t let fear of embarrassment stop you from trying something new.  Sometimes we withhold ourselves from novelty because we’re afraid some people might call us silly or stupid.  Shying away from trying something new stops your growth and your evolution.  It stops you from acquiring new skills and knowledge.  And life is a continuous school.  Don’t miss out on opportunities to learn something enriching.  If you think your new project might seem ridiculous to some people, turn those thoughts around in a funny or a disarming way, and go ahead and take the classes that interest you.  And if people judge you for it, feel sorry for them, for simple minds are usually amused by simple things. (Read Daring Greatly.)
8. Admit when you’re wrong. – You would think that pride is a positive emotion, but it’s not when it’s excessive.  Excessive pride is a reaction to insecurity.  So when you know you’re wrong, instead of trying to protect your self-esteem in the eyes of others, hold your tongue for two minutes, take a deep breath, and find the lesson.  Consider the fact that being wrong is OK, and then admit that you are wrong.  Yes, it’s hard.  Yes, it takes strength to admit it, but it makes you more humble and commendable.  And even more importantly, realize that when you’re wrong, you’re meant to be wrong so that you may outgrow the things you need to outgrow.
9. End hurtful relationships. – One of the very hardest parts of loving someone: You have to give things up for them.  And sometimes, you even have to give them up.  Of course, it’s always difficult to let go of someone you care about (or cared about) without getting hurt in the process.  Even if this person has hurt you a hundred times, you start thinking of all these what ifs – these maybes about the future.  But that’s just the thing… there’s nothing concrete and reliable about these feelings and fantasies.  The reality of their actions has disproven them.  When someone shows you their true colors time and time again, it’s best to believe them and carry on without them. 
10. Forgive (even when you’ve been deeply hurt). – Forgiveness isn’t holding on to someone who hurt you; it’s coming to peace with what happened and moving forward with your life, one way or the other.  Some of us have a tendency to hold grudges against people.  We’re unable to let go of the past.  But grudges are a toxic emotion – an emotion that can rot inside you and turn you into a bitter, egotistical zombie.  Know that pain is short-lived.  Emotional pain is a call to acknowledge it and address it, instead of letting it get the best of you.  In fact, forgiveness is the sweetest revenge.  If you can forgive someone who did you wrong, you’re at least one step ahead of them in the karma department, and one step ahead of everyone else who’s still holding on to old grudges that are holding them back.

Closing Thoughts

Life is not about maintaining the status quo.

Life is not about playing it safe.

Life is not about standing still.

It’s about connecting with your soul, respecting your integrity, and telling yourself that you’re able.  It’s about taking a few steps, regardless of how little they may be, so you can move forward, and evolve.

That’s why you were put here on this earth: to grow.  You can be challenged, scared, and stretched to your limits, but taking action will make you feel gratified beyond belief.

And the best part is: You become more decisive, more playful, and more vigorous.

So don’t be afraid to let go of your inhibitions.  Don’t be afraid to be disappointed.  Don’t be afraid to get hurt.

Ask yourself about the costs and implications of not taking action.  Then think of the new possibilities that could arise if you do dare to act.

Be daring and courageous!

Get moving and live it!

This is your one shot…

Take it, today!

Your turn…

What would you add to the list?  What’s something you’ve done that took a lot of courage (that you know you will never regret)?  Leave a comment below and share your thoughts.

Author bio: Naïby Jacques is passionate about holistic health. As she’s also a vegan chef, she’s on a mission to help people add more plant foods to their diet by giving tips and tricks to make quick, easy, and delicious recipes so they can maintain the lifestyle permanently. Get her free 10 Snacks under 10 min that Are Actually Good for You.

Photo by: Jessica Neuwerth

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9 Ways to Feel Less Stress When Life Gets Crazy Busy

POST WRITTEN BY: MARC CHERNOFF

Don’t stress.  Do your very best.  Appreciate each step.  Forget the rest.

Stress is one of the primary causes of major health problems in our lives: it can cause heart disease, anxiety, sleep deprivation, auto-immune disorders, weight problems, unhappiness, and even deep depression.

But we’re busy – we all have places to be, things to do and people to see.  So how do we alleviate stress and still get our work done right (without neglecting our loved ones and ourselves)?

When life gets crazy busy, you might not have time for week-long meditation and yoga retreats, weekend vacations, or even weekly life coaching sessions.  So what can be done?

I’m going to be brief about this, because time is of the essence.  There are nine simple things you can do.  A few mindset shifts and a couple actions that take only a couple minutes.  These can’t solve the most severe stress related problems, but they can help most of us in a major way, every day.

1.  Be in the moment, completely, with just one task.

Instead of being in a stressful task-switching state of mind, take your next task, let everything else go, and just be in the moment with this one task.

Let yourself be immersed in this task by letting go of the feeling that you need to quickly rush through it – that you need to move on to the next task waiting for you.  There will always be a next task, because that’s the nature of TO-DO lists – they’re never-ending.  So let those later tasks come later.  Just be 100% in this one task, like it’s your entire world.

Bottom line: Slow down.  Breathe.  Review your commitments and goals.  Put first things first.  Do one task at a time.  Start now.  Take a 5-minute break in an hour.  Repeat.  (And always remember, results are more important than the time it takes to achieve them.)

2.  Let go of controlling what can't be controlled.

Fear is causing you to be stressed, not external factors like your job obligations or family issues.  Those external factors are just a part of life, but they become stressful when you fear failure, fear people won’t like you, fear you’re not good enough, fear abandonment, and so forth.

Your fears are based on some fantasy in your head about how things are supposed to be (and you fear that your life may not live up to that fantasy): you have an image in your head that you’re going to be perfect, have people like you, be comfortable all the time, and succeed on all fronts.  These fantasies are a way to feel in control of a world that you don’t actually control, but they’re hurting you by causing fear and stress.  Instead, let go of control.  Be OK with chaos and uncertainty, and trust that things will work out.  You’ll fear less and feel less stress.  (Read The Untethered Soul.)

3.  Accept people just the way they are and smile.

We get upset with others because they don’t meet our fantasy of how they ‘should’ act.  Instead, try accepting them for who they are, and recognize that, like you, they’re imperfect and seeking happiness and struggling with finding it.  They’re doing their best.  Accept them just the way they are.  In most cases it’s impossible to change them anyway, and it’s rude to try.  So save yourself from needless stress.

Instead of trying to change others, give them your support today and lead by example.

4.  Take a brief walk outside.

When things are getting really stressful, take 5-10 minutes to take a walk and clear your mind.  A short walk does wonders.  It gives you something new to look at and it gets your body moving.

Through a decade of life coaching we’ve found that people who have recently experienced stressful life events like a serious illness, death of a loved one, marital separation or job loss, always see an immediate mood boost after a short outdoor walk.  It’s literally the most effective way to instantly reduce the stressful pressure of a worried mind.

Right about now, you should consider taking a break from work and go for a short, peaceful walk (in a park or green space if there’s one nearby).  Again, this is not unproductive lollygagging, it’s likely to have a restorative effect on your mind and help with attention fatigue and stress recovery.  (Read The Relaxation and Stress Reduction Workbook.)

5.  Perform short mindfulness practices.

You don’t have to meditate for 30 minutes to get the benefits of mindfulness…

• You can do a quick body scan (focus on your body and notice how each part of it feels right now) in 30 seconds.
• You can pay attention to your breath for 60 seconds (listen to it and feel it).
• You can watch your thoughts about concerns, fears, judgments, doubts, and ideals for a minute (recognize that these thoughts are simply thoughts; you don’t need to believe them or react to them).
• You can walk mindfully, paying attention to your feet, your body, your breath and your surroundings, as you walk.

You can do each of these short mindfulness practices in little bits whenever you need them throughout your day.

6.  Purge untrue thoughts.

You must learn a new way to think before you can master a new way to be.  Behind every stressful feeling is an untrue thought.  Before the thought you weren’t suffering, but after the thought you began to suffer.  When you recognize that the thought isn’t true, once again there is no suffering.  When you change your thoughts, you change your life.  So next time you catch a thought stressing you out, ask yourself these four questions:

• Is it true? – This question can change your life. Be still and ask yourself if the thought you’re dealing with is true.
• Can I be absolutely, 100% certain that it’s true? – This is another opportunity to open your mind and to go deeper into the unknown, to find the answers that live beneath what you think you know.
• How do I feel when I think this thought? – With this question, you begin to notice internal cause and effect.  You can see that when you believe the thought, there is a disturbance that can range from mild discomfort to outright panic and fear.  What do you feel?  How do you treat the situation (or person) you’re thinking about, how do you treat yourself, when you believe that thought?  Be specific.
• Who would I be, and what would I do differently, if I were not thinking this thought? – Imagine yourself in your situation (or in the presence of that person), without believing the thought.  How would your life be different if you didn’t have the ability to even think this stressful thought?  How would you feel?  Which do you prefer – life with or without the thought?  Which feels more peaceful?

7.  Consciously squash the needless comparisons.

Sometimes the reason we struggle with stress and insecurity is because we compare our behind-the-scenes circumstances with everyone else’s public highlight reel.  Give it up.  Don’t compare your Chapter 1 to someone else’s Chapter 15.  Follow your own path, write your own life story, and never give up on yourself.

Next time you catch yourself comparing your life situation to someone else’s, refer to these two formulas:

• Happiness formula = Do YOUR very best and feel good about it.
• Unhappiness formula = Compare yourself to everyone else.

8.  Track what’s going well and give thanks.

Overlooking everything that’s wonderful is a tragedy.  Do your best and surrender the rest.  When you stay stuck in worried thoughts of the life you think you should have, you end up missing the beauty of what you do have.  You will have a hard time ever being happy if you aren’t thankful for the good things in your life right now.

Here’s a super simple, five-minute, daily gratitude exercise that has worked wonders for thousands of our coaching clients over the past decade:

Every evening before you go to bed, write down three things that went well during the day and their causes.  Simply provide a short, causal explanation for each good thing.

That’s it. We spend tens of thousands of dollars on expensive electronics, big homes, fancy cars and lavish vacations hoping for a boost of happiness.  This is a free alternative, and it works.

In a study of exercise’s effectiveness by Martin Seligman, participants were asked to follow those exact instructions for just one week.  After one week the participants were measurably 2% happier than before, but in follow-up tests their happiness kept on increasing, from 5% at one month, to 9% at six months.  Even more interestingly, the participants were only required to keep this gratitude journal for one week, but the majority of them continued journaling on their own because they enjoyed it.

I tried it for myself many years ago – I set a goal of doing it for just one week, and I’m still doing it today.  So I can assure you, it’s addictively effective. 

9.  Use your body.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, your body is the greatest instrument you own.  So when all else fails, and your stress levels are mounting, use your body to sooth your mind.

The mind reflects your body by responding to its levels of tension, rate of breath, speed of movement and mental focus.  Likewise your body mirrors your thoughts, feelings, mood, and responds to your state of mind, the questions you ask and the words you speak.  So if the mind and body are intrinsically connected – meaning that one has a direct affect on the other – it becomes clear that if we directly and consciously take control of one, it will influence and transform the other.

By mindfully adjusting how you use your body you can directly influence your state of mind, and dramatically transform your attitude.  Just imagine you’re sitting there in a bad mood, shoulders hanging forward, shallow breathing and frowning.  Go ahead and do this right now to experience how it influences your state of mind.  And then do the opposite: stand up straight and put a big smile on your face.  Take some deep, strong breaths and stretch your arms into the air.

Notice how you feel better?

Bottom line: Take the vehicle your creator has given you and use it!  Your body is the best tool for changing your attitude and relieving stress in an instant.

Closing Thoughts

If you have extra time after doing those nine things, I have a few other recommendations that will help:

• Eliminate unnecessary tasks on your TO-DO list.
• Reduce your commitments by saying “no” when you know you should.
• Start a regular 10-minute meditation practice.
• Find additional mindfulness practices to try.
• Exercise regularly.
• Eat healthier.
• Spend quality time with loved ones, daily.
• Get more sleep.

And remember that most people cope with stress in unhealthy ways – drinking alcohol, smoking cigarettes, eating sweets, arguing with people, mindlessly watching TV, procrastinating, and so forth.  Ironically these activities often cause more stress.  So don’t do this to yourself.  Instead, use the ideas I’ve provided to cope without these unhealthy crutches.

Your turn…

How do you cope with stress?  What helps you alleviate stress when life gets crazy busy?  Leave a comment below and share your thoughts and insights.

Photo by: Kerry M (Stocksy)

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10 Damaging Lies and Excuses Your Mind Loves to Tell You

POST WRITTEN BY: MARC CHERNOFF

It is ultimately only our own thoughts that hurt us.

The mind is a wonderful thing.  It’s also a total liar and an excuse machine that frequently tries to convince us not to take actions we know are good for us.  In the end, this prevents many positive changes from taking place in our lives.

I’ve had to learn to watch these lies and excuses very carefully in order to make the positive changes I’ve made in my life: a healthier diet, regular exercise, meditation, more sleep, daily writing, better planning, less procrastination, more focus, etc.

If I hadn’t learned about these lies and excuses, and how to suppress them, I would never have succeeded in making these positive changes.  In fact, until I knew better, I had failed countless times when I was young because my mind’s deceptive tendencies used to get the best of me.

So why does the mind lie to us and make irrational excuses?

Because the mind wants comfort – that’s why.  It’s afraid of discomfort, pressure and change.  The mind is absorbed in its comfort zone, and anytime we try to stretch that zone too far, for too long, the mind tries desperately to get back to ground zero at any cost… including sacrificing our long-term health, happiness and success.

So let’s expose 10 of the cowardly mind’s most damaging lies and excuses once and for all:

1. I can’t do it. – It seems too difficult at first, so you think you can’t stick to the positive change you’re making.  You don’t believe in yourself enough to take another step.  This is a common lie/excuse that can be countered by looking at the fact that other people no more capable than you have done it.  For example, my 60-year-old next-door neighbor ran a marathon a little before I started training for my first marathon, and so I told myself, “If she can do it, so can I!”  And I was right.  Truth be told, the only person who can tell you “I can’t” is you.  If you hear those words echoing in the back of your mind, tune them out.  Realize that your doubts and your faith have something in common – they both ask you to believe in something you can’t see.  You simply have to decide which one you want to believe.
2. They can do it, but that doesn’t apply to me because they have it better than me. – Just because someone else can, doesn’t mean you can, right?  You look for reasons they can do it but you can’t – maybe he’s an internet entrepreneur or freelance writer because he has no kids.  Maybe she’s way fitter than I am, so she can run a marathon.  Maybe she doesn’t have all the work and family obligations I have, or has a supportive spouse, or doesn’t have bad knees.  OK, fine, it’s easy to find excuses: but look at all the other people who also have considerable obstacles and have done it anyway.  Angel and I have a family, and have dealt with significant loss in our lives, and still managed to succeed on many fronts.  And just as we’ve turned things around for ourselves, we know hundreds of other people who’ve done the same.  Through a decade of life coaching, we’ve witnessed people reinventing themselves at all ages – 48-year olds starting families, 57-year-olds graduating from college for the first time, 71-year-olds starting successful businesses, and so forth.  And stories abound of people with disabilities or illnesses who overcame their obstacles to achieve great things.  Your obstacles can be overcome.
3. I’m stuck because I don’t have enough time to make changes. – Have you ever met a happy, successful person who regularly avoids responsibility, blames and points fingers and makes excuses for their unsatisfying life?  Me either.  The truth is, you write your own destiny through the choices you make every day.  You become what you repeatedly do.  It is more important to know where you are going and why, than to get there quickly.  In fact, the most important thing in life is knowing what the most important things in life are, and prioritizing them accordingly.  Most of us spend too much time on urgent things and not enough time on important things.  So do yourself a favor and implement these three action steps every time you’re building or sorting your to-do list: 1) Think about the difference between what is urgent and what is important.  2) Review all the obligations on your list.  3) Do what’s important first.  (Read The ONE Thing.)
4. It’ll be too hard because I can’t get by without _______. – Fill in the blank: I need my wine, my cheese, my sweets, my TV shows, my ten hours of sleep, my big house, my fancy wardrobe, etc.  These are luxuries we convince ourselves we can’t live without, so we can justify not making positive changes like eating healthier or exercising daily or saving money or simplifying our lives or building a profitable side hustle.  And like I said, I’m not immune either – in the past I’ve made these excuses myself, but they all turned out to be lies.  I didn’t need any of these things in my life, and believing that I did was only getting in the way of the positive changes I was capable of creating for myself.
5. Life is meant to be easier and enjoyed more. – Sure, I agree that life should be enjoyed (as most people would) but the problem is that the idea that life should ALWAYS be easy and enjoyable is used to justify all kinds of lazy behavior.  Might as well sit on the couch and scarf down those Twinkies, because hey, life is meant to be enjoyed, right?  Nope.  You can do without junk food and still enjoy life.  You can exercise and enjoy it.  You can give up a lot of comfort in your life and not lose a thing.  In fact, the path of least resistance is often the path of least reward.  You need to do hard things.  There are no shortcuts to any place worth going.  As Einstein once said, “Genius is 1% talent and 99% percent hard work.”  You must run to be a runner.  You must write to be a writer.  You must actively work on a business venture to learn how to run a successful business.  There is no substitute for doing the work.  So meditate on this every day: “I will do the work.  It won’t be easy.  It will be worth it!”
6. I deserve a reward (or a break). – We all deserve a tasty treat, or a day off.  I’m not saying you shouldn’t give yourself a reward or break when one is deserved.  But if you make this rationalization a primary rule for living, you’ll always be on a break.  You’ll always be giving yourself rewards, and never adhering to the original plan.  Here’s what I do instead: I see sticking to my plan as the reward itself.  I see reaching my goals as a gift I give myself.  Going on a run isn’t the thing I have to get through to get a reward – the run is the reward.
7. I can do it later. – Sure, you can always do it later… but your later self will feel the same exact way.  Think about it: Why should your later self be more disciplined than your present self?  There’s no reason.  In fact, because you’re allowing yourself to slack off now, you’re building a habit of procrastination and actually making it less likely that your later self will be more disciplined.  So today, stop making excuses for why you can’t get it done and start focusing on all the reasons why you must make it happen.  Stop talking about what you have done or what you are going to do.  Just do it and let your actions speak for themselves.  Most great things in life don’t happen by chance, they happen by choice.  You never know what’s possible until you risk finding out.  In the long run, there is only one thing that makes your dreams and goals completely impossible to achieve:  Your lack of action today. 
8. One time won’t hurt. – This lie is so tempting, because it’s somewhat true – one time won’t hurt.  Assuming, of course, that it really is only one time.  One scoop of ice cream, one missed workout, one time procrastinating instead of working, etc.  Unfortunately, it’s never just one time.  One time means your brain now knows it can get away with this excuse next time too, and the next “one time” leads to another, until you’ve completely fallen off the wagon.  Make a pact with yourself: never believe the “one time” lie.  If you’re going to allow yourself a scoop of ice cream, decide this beforehand and build it into your plan – “I will allow myself a single serving of sweets once every weekend” and stick to your plan, rather than deciding on the fly when your conscience is weak.
9. It’s better to quit now and cut my losses. – As Winston Churchill once said, “Success is never final, failure is never fatal.  It is courage to continue that counts.”  Nothing could be closer to the truth.  Persistence is the mother of all productive effort.  Failures, small and large, happen every day to the best of us.  The strongest, most productive people aren’t the people who always succeed, but the ones who don’t give up when they lose.  In the heat of the moment when you feel like quitting, think about how far you have come and why you started in the first place.  Oftentimes you’re a lot closer to making a breakthrough than you think.  Some people give up their efforts when they have almost reached their goal, while others conquer their goals by exerting, up until the very last possible second, more vigorous efforts than ever before.  Bottom line: Once you learn to quit, it becomes a habit – so KEEP GOING!  (Read The Success Principles.)
10. It’s already too late. – Nothing is too late until your tired heart stops beating.  If you’re reading this right now, congratulations, you are alive, which means it’s not too late for you.  Things can change if you want them to at any age.  Right now you can choose differently and make something new happen.  Your future is immediate.  Grab on to it with both hands and keep on moving on.  When you come up on a roadblock and are faced with the choice of sitting down and doing nothing or doing something to make further progress, choose the latter.  Think, work, and climb if you have to.  Move your life forward.  Today!

Your turn…

What kinds of damaging lies and excuses sometimes echo in the back of your mind?  What’s one such lie or excuse that has held you back?  Share your thoughts with us by leaving a comment below.

Photo by: Tilly

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