If you would like to improve your connection ability with others, here are my 10 body language tips for you:
- Smile. :D
- Keep the space open before your upper torso. Meaning, try not to fold your arms, put your bag on your lap, hug your bag, or do anything that covers up the upper front part of your body. Closing the space in front of you sends the invisible signal of “Don’t talk to me; I’m not interested in engaging with anyone.” On the other hand, keeping the area open will make you more approachable.
- Have eye contact. Very important in making a connection. Eye contact helps to establish connection and let the other person know you are listening. …However, don’t stare. Look away from time to time to give the person some space. Then re-establish contact after a split second. Some people might feel uncomfortable under a constant, unwavering gaze.
- Be comfortable in your space. Don’t fidget, squirm, or lose yourself in your body. Own your space. Your body may take up physical space by default, but do you actually own that space? This is where self-confidence comes into play. Read: How To Be The Most Confident Person In The World
- [Specifically for ladies] Something which my date coach shared with me—if you have to rest your head on your hand, keep the inner side of your hand (with the palm) faced outwards, toward the person (as
opposed to resting on your knuckles, with the outside part of your arm
facing the other person). The former makes yourself appear more open
than the latter.
Refer to the picture in the beginning of this post. The way the lady
rested on her hand is an example of what NOT to do. You should turn the
insides of your arm (the part which tends to be fairer) outward to the
other person.
- Minimize movement that distracts, such as finger drumming, nail biting, skin peeling, scab picking, etc. Some of these are pretty bad habits anyway, so it serves to quit them. Read: Cultivate Life Transforming Habits in 21 Days
- Slow down your pace. If you speak fast, consider slowing down, especially if you keep having to repeat yourself. It usually means the other person can’t catch you. If you have to brush your hair, cross your legs, or make any movement, do them at an adjustable pace. Sudden, fast movements like suddenly swinging your leg from one side to another, flicking your hair, and wildly waving your hands, can take the other person by surprise and detract from the conversation.
- Be inclusive in your actions. Do movements that
include, rather than exclude, the person into your space. (Of course, if
you feel the person is shady, like he/she might be a molester or something, then keep your distance.)
Actions that separate and demarcate boundaries include arm folding,
legs crossing, putting items between you and the person, and increasing
the physical distance between you and the other party. Actions that are
inclusive include reducing the physical distance between you and the
other party (not to the point of being inappropriate), smiling, shaking
hands, linking arms (for close friends), hand holding, maintaining eye
contact, occasional gestures toward the other person, and keeping space
in upper front part of you open (see point #2).
- Be open with your emotions (but not in a cathartic manner). Allow yourself to be vulnerable by wearing your emotions on your face. If you feel sad, then express sadness. If you feel surprise, then express surprise. If you feel happy, then express happiness. Don’t keep your emotions inside yourself. Wear your heart on your sleeve. ♥
- Pace yourself to match the other person. At the end
of the day, everyone is different. Tips #1 to #9 I have shared above
are gold standard ideals to work toward. However, not everyone may be
ready for them. Some people might take a v-e-r-y long time to
warm up and might be intimidated by any upfront display of emotion in
the first meeting (see point #9). Some people might be immensely shy and
feel intimidated by any eye contact (see point #3). Some people might
be very defensive and be taken off guard when you adopt an open posture
(see point #2).
It’s important that you assess each person individually, adopt the
body language that will help you to best connect with him/her, and work
your way to opening him/her up through gradual shifts. Embrace Tips #1
to #9 as ideals to execute, but also give yourself leeway to improvise
where needed. Some people may be in lower developmental stages which
require you to adopt more “defensive”, “enclosed” type body language to
connect with them in the beginning, before moving to more open,
connective forms of body language. Remember there is no
one-size-fits-all approach.
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