20 Things to Remember When Rejection Hurts

POST WRITTEN BY: MARC CHERNOFF

Be OK with walking away…
Rejection teaches you how to reject what’s not right for you.

As you look back on your life, you will realize that many of the times you thought you were being rejected from someone or something you wanted, you were in fact being redirected to someone or something you needed.

Seeing this when you’re in the midst of feeling rejected, however, is quite tough.  I know because I’ve been there.

As soon as someone critiques, criticizes, and pushes you away – as soon as you are rejected – you find yourself thinking, “Well, that proves once again that I’m not worthy.”  What you need to realize is, the other person or situation is NOT worthy of YOU and your particular journey.

Rejection is necessary medicine; it teaches you how to reject relationships and opportunities that aren’t going to work, so you can find the right ones that will.  It doesn’t mean you aren’t good enough; it just means someone else failed to notice what you have to offer.  Which means you now have more time to improve yourself and explore your options.

Will you be bitter for a moment?  Absolutely.  Hurt?  Of course, you’re human.  There isn’t a soul on this planet that doesn’t feel a small fraction of their heart break at the realization of rejection.  For a short time afterwards you will ask yourself every question you can think of…

• What did I do wrong?
• Why didn’t they care about me?
• How come?
• etc.

But then you have to let your emotions fuel you in a positive way!  This is the important part.  Let your feelings of rejection drive you, feed you, and inspire one heck of a powerful opening to the next chapter of your story.

Honestly, if you constantly feel like someone is not treating you with respect, check your price tag.  Perhaps you’ve subconsciously marked yourself down.  Because it’s YOU who tells others what you’re worth by showing them what you’re willing to accept for your time and attention.  So get off the clearance rack.  And I mean right NOW!  If you don’t value and respect yourself, wholeheartedly, no one else will either.

I know it’s hard to accept, but think about it…

All too often we let the rejections of our past dictate every move we make thereafter.  We literally do not know ourselves to be any better than what some intolerant person or shallow circumstance once told us was true.

It’s time to realize this and squash the subconscious idea that you don’t deserve any better.  It’s time to remind yourself that…

1. The person you liked, loved or respected in the past, who treated you like dirt again and again, has nothing intellectually or spiritually to offer you in the present moment, but headaches and heartache.
2. One of the most rewarding and important moments in life is when you finally find the courage to let go of what you can’t change, like someone else’s behavior or decisions.  (Read Loving What Is.)
3. Life and God both have greater plans for you that don’t involve crying at night or believing that you’re broken.
4. The harsh truth is, sometimes you have to get knocked down lower than you have ever been to stand up taller and emotionally stronger than you ever were before.
5. It’s not the end of the world – it’s never the end of the world – and yet rejection can make the loss of someone or something you weren’t even that crazy about feel gut-wrenching and world-ending.
6. Sometimes people don’t notice the things we do for them until we stop doing them.  And sometimes the more chances you give, the more respect you lose.  Enough is enough.  Never let a person get comfortable with disrespecting you.  You deserve better.  You deserve to be with someone who makes you smile – someone who doesn’t take you for granted – someone who won’t leave you hanging.
7. Some chapters in our lives have to close without closure.  There’s no point in losing yourself by trying to fix what’s meant to stay broken.
8. Take a deep breath.  Inner peace begins the moment you decide not to let another person or event control your emotions.
9. You really can’t take things other people say about you too personally.  What they think and say is a reflection of them, not you.
10. Those with the strength to succeed in the long run are the ones who build themselves up with the bricks others have thrown at them.  
11. Let your scars remind you that the damage someone has inflicted on you has left you stronger, smarter and more resilient.
12. When you lose someone or something, don’t think of it as a loss, but as a gift that lightens your load so you can better travel the path meant for you.
13. You will never miss out on what is meant for you, even if it has to come to you in a roundabout way.  Stay focused.  Be positive.
14. Rejections and naysayers aren’t that important in the grand scheme of things; so don’t let them conquer your mind.  Step forward!  Seriously, most of us do not understand how much potential we have – we limit our aspirations to the level someone else told us was possible.
15. Too many people overvalue what they are not and undervalue what they are. Don’t be one of them.  Ultimately, you are who you are when nobody’s watching.  Know this!  And dare to be yourself, however awkward, different or odd that self may prove to be to someone else.
16. Comparing yourself to others, or other people’s perceptions, only undermines your worth, your education and your own inner wisdom.  There’s no one who can handle your present situation better than YOU.
17. The more we fill our lives with genuine passion and purpose, the less time and energy we’ll waste looking for approval from everyone else.
18. You CAN use your struggles, frustrations, and rejections to motivate you rather than annoy you.  You are in control of the way you look at life. (Read 10% Happier.)
19. Sometimes transitions in life are the perfect opportunity to let go of one situation to embrace something even better coming your way.
20. Right now is a new beginning.  The possibilities ahead are endless.  Be strong enough to let go, wise enough to move forward, diligent enough to work hard, and patient enough to wait for what you deserve.

Afterthoughts

All details aside, you don’t need anyone’s constant affection or approval in order to be good enough in this world.  When someone rejects or abandons or judges you, it isn’t actually about you.  It’s about them and their own insecurities, limitations, and needs.  So you don’t have to internalize any of it!  Your worth isn’t contingent upon other people’s acceptance of you – it’s something inherent.  You exist, and therefore you matter.  You’re allowed to be yourself.  You’re allowed to voice your thoughts and feelings.  You’re allowed to assert your needs.  You’re allowed to hold on to the truth that who you are is more than enough.  And you’re allowed to let go of anyone in your life who makes you feel otherwise.

Your turn…

In what ways have you struggled with rejection?  How have you coped?  Please leave a comment below and share your insights with us.

Photo by: M. Klasan

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10 Questions that Will Change the Way You Think About Your Problems

POST WRITTEN BY: ANGEL CHERNOFF

It’s not about having all the answers – it’s about asking the right questions.

The saying “She who teaches others, teaches herself” is very true, not only because constant repetition helps impress facts indelibly on the mind, but also because the process of teaching itself gives greater insight into the subject taught.  Selfishly, this is sometimes the reason Marc and I take on new coaching clients and write new personal development articles, even when our schedules are full.  The strategies we teach help us grow too.

One of the strategies we teach over and over again is self-inquiry – which is basically the art of asking ourselves the right questions.  Why is this strategy so important?  Because the questions we ask ourselves become thoughts.  Thoughts then become words.  Words become actions.  Actions become character.  And character changes everything.

Truth be told, when times get tough and big problems arise, as they inevitably will, it is the strength of our character that sees us through.

And since our character is directly influenced by what we say to (and ask of) ourselves on a daily basis, I want you to think about how you’ve been speaking to yourself lately.  Have you been using the empowering, encouraging words you would speak to a friend?  Or the belittling remarks you would shout to an enemy if you had no heart?  Or the negative remarks about life you might utter if you had no faith?

All day long you speak silently to yourself, and a part of you believes every word.  Which is why it’s important to stay mindful when problems arise, and meditate on these questions:

1. What could you be positive and happy about right now, if you really wanted to? – Your greatest weapon against stress and negativity is your ability to choose one thought over another.  Happiness escapes from those who refuse to see the good in what they have.  When life gives you every reason to be negative, think positive.
2. What’s one problem you’re thankful you don’t have right now?– Smile, not because life has been easy, perfect, or exactly as you had anticipated, but because you choose to be happy and thankful for all the good things you do have, and all the problems you know you don’t have. (Read Man’s Search for Meaning.)
3. What do you need to stop thinking and saying to yourself? – Stop discrediting yourself for everything you aren’t, and start giving yourself credit for everything you ARE.  We have to learn to be our own best friends, because sometimes we fall too easily into the trap of being our own worst enemies.
4. What are you holding on to that you need to let go of? – One of the hardest lessons in life is letting go – whether it’s guilt, anger, love or loss.  Change is never easy – you fight to hold on and you fight to let go.  But oftentimes letting go is the healthiest path forward.  It clears out toxic thoughts from the past.  You’ve got to emotionally free yourself from the things that once meant a lot to you, so you can move beyond the past and the pain it brings you.  Again, it takes hard work to let go and refocus your thoughts, but it’s worth every bit of effort you can muster.
5. Will you blame others and deny responsibility?  Or will you create an action plan to move forward on your own terms? – Imagine how much more effective and happy you’d be if, instead of denying, blaming, dreading and fighting against certain situations and tasks, you simply got them handled.
6. How can you respond from a place of clarity and strength, rather than thoughtlessly reacting to this experience? – Every time you are tempted to react in the same old way, ask yourself if you want to be a prisoner of the past or a pioneer of the future.  And remember that our character is often most evident in our highs and lows.  Be humble at the mountaintops, be strong in the valleys, and be faithful in between. (Read The Happiness Trap.)
7. How can you be of service to this person or situation, and yourself, so that everyone feels buoyed, rather than weighed down? – Life is a gift, and it offers us the privilege, opportunity, and responsibility to give something back by becoming more.  Thus, the best way to find yourself when times are tough is to lose yourself in the service of a cause greater than yourself.
8. Are you placing lots of expectations on yourself or others?  Are these expectations serving you or hurting you? – Expectations are like fine pottery – the harder you hold on to them, the more likely they are to crack.  Remember this.  You will find life a lot easier when you lower your expectations.  Let go a little, and appreciate your life and relationships for what they are.
9. Who, or what, needs your forgiveness? – Forgiveness doesn't always lead to healed relationships and situations.  Some relationships and situations aren’t meant to be.  Forgive anyway, and let what’s meant to be, BE.  Go ahead and set yourself free.  When you hold resentment toward another entity, you are bound to that person or condition by an emotional link that is stronger than steel.  Forgiveness is the only way to dissolve that link and break free. 
10. What do you now know better for next time? – Don’t let your fear of past events affect the outcome of your future.  Live for what today has to offer, not what yesterday has taken away.  There will always be obstacles, but we are confined most often by the walls we build ourselves.  What we see depends on how we look at it.  Forget what you’ve lost and focus on what you’ve learned.

Afterthoughts

Life is full of uncontrollable circumstances; the only thing we can control is how we choose to respond.  When you really take the time to think about it, everything happening around us is neutral and meaningless up until the point that we give it meaning.  And the questions we ask ourselves drive the meaning we create.

In any situation, it’s about choosing:  Will I allow this to upset me?  Will I choose to make this bad or good?  Will I choose to stay or walk away?  Will I choose to yell or whisper?  Will I choose to react or take the time to respond?

Bottom line: The questions we ask ourselves drive our behavior, and our behavior is a little thing that makes a big difference.  To a great extent, we create our fate every single day… and most of the ills we suffer from are directly traceable to our own (controllable) behavior.

Your turn…

Which of these questions/points resonated the most with you?  What do you do to stay mindful and focused when problems arise in your life?  Leave a comment below and share your insights.

Photo by: Sylvia Vale

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10 Things You Do NOT Need to Be Happier in Life

Post written by Marc Chenoff

Saying yes to happiness means learning to say no
to the desires that drain you.

They say a person needs just three things to be truly happy in this world: someone to love, something to do, and something to hope for.  I don’t think anything could be closer to the truth, and yet all too often we find ways of complicating things for ourselves.  We look for happiness where it does not exist – in shallow goals and desires – in possessions, quick thrills, and impressing the wrong people.

Angel and I were recently reminded of this when we met a family of six staying at a hotel in Miami where we were vacationing.  We saw them hanging out in the lobby, sharing stories and laughing hysterically.  So on our way out, Angel and I said hello to them and asked where they were from.  “Oh, we’re from here,” the mother said.  “Our house burned down to the ground yesterday, but miraculously, all of us made it out safely.  And that makes today a day worth smiling about.”

Talk about a wake-up call.  Some people might say they had lost everything, and yet this family knew better – they knew they had it all.  Because there really is nothing like joyful tears and deep breaths after a long, hard laugh with the people you love – nothing in the whole world like a sore stomach for the right reasons and a grateful heart to back it up.  That’s a situation where true happiness is surely found.

And there are many other sources of true happiness as well.  But as I’ve said, there are also lots of common traps – goals and desires that we think will bring us happiness, but actually do the exact opposite.  Recognizing these traps is the key.  In fact, I believe one of the best feelings comes when you realize that you can be perfectly happy without the things you once thought you needed.

With this in mind, consider the ten goals and desires (traps) below and how they may be holding you back.  Each of them is popular in our culture, and thus common in our lives, but rather than contributing to our happiness, they rob us of it.

So say it out loud with me:

“To be happier, I do NOT need…”

1. To please everyone – Be careful not to give so much of yourself to others that you end up completely losing yourself.  When you go around pleasing everyone but yourself, you are the one that gets hurt in the end.  The late and great Herbert Bayard Swope said it like this: “I don’t know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody.”  That is spot on advice if you ask me.  Because truthfully, you are never going to please everyone anyway.  At some point you will hold an unpopular opinion – one that gives you meaning and makes you feel alive.  And when you do, you ought to hold on tight, tune out the noise, and make it count.
2. Everything to be easy – You have to do hard things to be happy in life.  The things no one else is doing.  The things that frighten you.  The things others can’t do for you.  The things that make you question how much longer you can hold on and push forward.  Because those are the things that define you.  Those are the things that make the difference between existing and living – between knowing the path and walking the path – between a life of mediocrity and a life filled with happiness and success.
3. Certainty and guarantees – Some people build too many walls in their lives and not enough bridges.  It sounds crazy, but they would rather be certain they’re miserable, than risk being happy.  Don’t be one of them.  Open yourself up.  Take chances.  Run free.  To accomplish amazing things, you must not only act, but also dream, not only plan, but also believe.  Be a dreamer, a believer, and a courageous and cheerful thinker.  Be a positive motivator, a productive doer, and a go-getter who keeps her head in the clouds and her feet on the ground.  Let the spirit of passion and possibility ignite a fire within you to do something worthwhile today and every day, and don’t forget to spread your enthusiasm to those around you.  (ReadDaring Greatly.)
4. To be better than others – The size of our universe shrinks dramatically when we place ourselves at the center – when we think everyone is our competition – when we think we have to be richer, smarter, and more attractive than the person sitting next to us.  Such a goal just keeps a person alienated and tirelessly running in place.  Now, on the flipside, take someone who doesn’t keep score, who’s not looking to be richer, or smarter, or more attractive, who has not the slightest interest even in being better than anyone else: she’s free.  Bottom line: Compete with yourself only.
5. More control over everything and everyone – Sometimes we put too much interest into trying to control every tiny aspect of our lives.  Learn to relax and ride the path that life takes you sometimes.  Incredible change will happen in your life when you decide to take control of what you do have power over instead of craving control over what you do not.  Freeing yourself from trying to control the insignificant and uncontrollable things lets you experience more of the goodness around you.  In fact, the greatest joys are often the unexpected surprises that arrive when you are flexible and open to life’s twists and turns.
6. Immense moments of glory – Graduations, wedding days, lavish vacations – these times are often fun-filled and deeply celebrated, but these times pass, because time passes.  This is something we rarely grasp at first.  True, lasting happiness is found in the appreciation of all the small things.  For me, there are random moments – tossing a salad, coming up the driveway to our home, ironing the seams flat on a dress shirt, standing at the kitchen window and looking out at the sun rising over the Austin skyline, hearing a giggle from my son who’s playing in the other room – when I feel a wavelike rush of joy.  This is my true happiness: arbitrary moments of sudden, throbbing appreciation for a life I feel privileged to lead. 
7. Relationships that are “supposed to” provide happiness – Relationships are essential, but happiness originates from within.  It is not dependent on external validation or on other people.  You become vulnerable and can be easily hurt when your feelings of security and happiness depend entirely on the behavior and actions of others.  Keep this in mind.  Never give all your power to anyone else.  Until you make complete peace with who you are, you’ll never be content with what you have or who you’re with.  Learn to love and respect yourself first, before loving the idea of other people loving and respecting you.
8. Perfect harmony in all relationships at all times – Harmony in relationships is nice when it’s sincere, but too often we try to fake it.  Effective communication is king.  You have to talk it out sometimes.  After all, the only way to be happy in life is to live with integrity.  This means: Not settling for less than what you know you deserve in your relationships.  Being clear and asking for what you want and need from others.  Speaking your truth, even though it might create occasional tension.  Behaving in ways that are in agreement with your personal values.  Making choices based on what you believe, and not just what others believe.  (Read The Mastery of Love.)
9. A superior time and place – The reason many people find it so hard to be happy is that they always see the past better than it was, the present worse than it is, and the future less resolved than it will be.  They key, of course, is to do the opposite.  Appreciate your past without reliving it, handle your present with confidence, and face your future without fear.  Life is simply too short to spend at war with yourself.  Letting go of the past and future is your first step to happiness and peace in the present.  Realize that you are today where your thoughts and actions have brought you; you will be tomorrow where your thoughts and actions today take you.  Bottom line: You can’t stop the future.  You can’t rewind the past.  The only way to live is to press play, and dance.
10. Happiness 24/7 – Absolutely no one is happy all of the time.  Because you simply can’t be happy unless you’re unhappy sometimes.  This is a harsh truth, I know.  Just keep in mind that it’s perfectly normal to experience considerable fluctuations in your level of happiness from day to day, month to month, and even year to year.  Believing and expecting otherwise will only lead to disillusionment.  But even when life is less than blissful, you are still in charge of how you respond.  Choose positivity, always.  The greatest act of faith some days is to simply get up and face the day, with a smile.

Afterthoughts

And let me leave you with this to think about: According to a recent scientific study published in the Journal of Research in Personality, overall levels of happiness decline from one’s teens until one’s 40s and then pick up again until they peak in one’s early 70s.  So the chances are that your happiest days are yet to come.  Hopefully that gives you something to smile about today.

Just keep doing your best by taking life moment by moment, complaining very little, and being grateful for the little things that mean a lot.

Your turn…

So, which of the points in this post do you resonate with the most?  What do you sometimes forget you do NOT need to be happier in life?  Leave a comment below and share your thoughts and insights.

Photo by: SuperDewa

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5 Reminders for Finding Strength and Peace in Times of Grief

OST WRITTEN BY: MARC CHERNOFF

                                                                                                    

“There’s a saying in Tibetan philosophy, “Tragedy should be used as a source of strength.”  My grandmother always repeated this line to me when I was growing up.  Every time I dealt with some kind of adversity, she would graciously remind me that my current struggles were helping me grow stronger.

Sometimes, though, in the midst of chaotic stress and hardship, it’s almost impossible to maintain such a positive perspective.  That’s where the five reminders below come into play.  I review them from time to time to remind myself that my struggles are giving me an opportunity to grow, and to use what I’ve learned to make a positive difference.  Today, I pass them on to you in hopes that they help you find some extra inner strength and peace when you need it most.

1.  Your troubles are gradually improving you.

“You may encounter many defeats, but you must not be defeated.  In fact, it may be necessary to encounter the defeats, so you can know who you are, what you can rise from, how you can still come out of it.”
―Maya Angelou

Someday when you least expect it life will blindside you with necessary chaos.  And once the chaos has ended, you won’t remember exactly how it all transpired, how you made it through, or where you found the strength you needed to carry on.  You won’t even be sure whether the chaos has completely ended.  But there is one thing you can be sure about:  When it does finally come to an end, you will be a much stronger person than who you were before it happened, which is precisely why it was necessary.

So let your scars remind you that you did indeed survive your deepest wounds.  This in itself is a major accomplishment.  And let them continue to bring to mind the fact that the damage life has inflicted on you has, in many ways and places,left you stronger and more resilient.  What hurt you in the past has actually made you better equipped to face the present.

2.  You are strong enough to cope with life’s necessary ups and downs.

“The greatest glory in living lies not in never falling,
but in rising every time we fall.”
― Nelson Mandela

Although it may be hard to see, the human capacity for pain and hardship is like bamboo – far more flexible than you would ever believe at first glance.

Sadly, we are often taught at an early age that all pain is evil and harmful.  Yet, how can we ever deal with real life and true love if we’re afraid to feel what we really feel?  We need to feel pain, just as we need to feel alive and loved.  Pain is meant to wake us up.  Yet we try to hide our pain.  Realize this.  Pain is something to carry willingly, just like good sense.  Because you can only learn how strong you are when being strong is the only choice you have.

And remember that it isn’t just the big struggles in life that require this kind of strength of character and resilience.  With the right moral support behind them, almost anybody can rise up for a short time to face a crisis or a crushing tragedy with courage, but to meet the petty troubles and unexpected hazards of each day with a laugh – that requires a strong spirit.

This is the kind of strength you should strive to develop daily.  Realize that that all of life is simply a game that you must play as skillfully and fairly as you possibly can.  If you lose a round, learn to shrug your shoulders and laugh, and do the same when you win.  (Read The Last Lecture.)

3.  Your fears only exist in your head.

“Do one thing every day that scares you.”
―Eleanor Roosevelt

Fears are thoughts, not realities.  And courage is the cure.

Can you be courageous even if you are scared to death?  Of course – in fact, that’s the only time you truly can be courageous.  Courage is not the absence of fear; it is being fearful and doing it anyway.

You must be daring enough to dare.  Taking no chances means wasting your dreams.  Yes, it will be nerve-racking at times, but don’t be afraid of your fears.  They’re not there to stop you; they’re there to let you know that your dreams are meaningful and worthy of the effort and personal growth required to achieve them.

When times are hard it can be difficult to follow your heart and take another step, but it’s a tragedy to let the lies of fear stop you.  Although fear can feel overwhelming, and defeats more people than any other force in the world, it’s not as powerful as it seems.  Fear is only as deep as your mind allows.  You are still in control.  So take control!

The key is to acknowledge your fear and directly address it.  Fight hard to shine the light of your words upon it.  Because if you don’t, if your fear becomes a wordless, obscure darkness that you avoid, and perhaps even manage to briefly forget, you open yourself to future attacks from fear when you least expect it.  Because you never truly faced the opponent who defeated you.  (Read Daring Greatly.)

4.  You are in control of your present thoughts, actions, and reactions.

“You have power over your mind, not outside events.
Realize this, and you will find strength.”
―Marcus Aurelius

What you might think of as your destiny is really just your circumstances, and these circumstances can be modified.  Understanding that you are fully responsible and in control of your circumstances through your actions and attitude is crucial.  This realization does not need to be a discouraging either, because it simply means you are free to make changes as you see fit.

Regardless of what has happened in your life, you are not chained to the past.  It may have shaped your feelings toward yourself, your abilities, and what seems possible based on your background, but all of this can be modified if you are willing to examine how the past has shaped your present thinking.  In other words, you can change your life by changing your thoughts, provided you have the courage to dissect the origins that created them.

So do not let the pain of a situation make you hopeless.  Do not let negativity wear off on you.  Do not let the bitterness steal your sweetness.  Even though others may disagree with you, take pride in the fact that you still know the world to be an amazing place.  Carry on accordingly.

5.  YOU are worthy of YOUR love, attention, and respect.

“To say ‘I love you’ one must know first how to say the ‘I.’”
―Ayn Rand

Love is the force of life.  Where there is love inside you, there is life inside you.

When you are unsure and unwilling, you pull back from life.  When you are loving and accepting, you open yourself to all the greatness life has to offer.  You need to learn to love yourself first, with all your eccentricity and imperfections.  If you can’t open your heart and mind to yourself, you can’t possibly open them to love others or any passions buried inside you.

When self-love is present, you can take risks and experience curiosities, astonishments, sudden joy, or any occurrence that reveals the beauty of your growing spirit.  Even if things don’t turn out as planned, you still have a foundation of love and acceptance within you to fall back on.  Because when you continue to love yourself even when it hurts, eventually there will be no more hurt, only more love.

So remember…

Too many people overvalue what they are NOT and undervalue what they are.  Don’t be one of them.

Self-respect, self-worth, and self-love.  There’s a reason they all start with “self.”  You can’t receive them from anyone else

Closing Thoughts

“Tough times don’t last – tough people do.”  Repeat this to yourself as often as you need to.

From every wound there is a scar, and every scar tells a story – a story that says, “I learned and I survived.”  There are moments when troubles enter your life and you can do nothing to avoid them, but they are there for a reason.  Only when you have overcome them will you understand why they were there.  So be brave and press forward.  You will not see the light at the end of the tunnel until you walk through the darkness.

Your turn…

What would you add to the list?  What little reminders (wisdom, quotes, lyrics, etc.) do you review to find inner strength and peace in times of grief?  Leave a comment below and share your thoughts and insights?

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8 Things Emotionally Stable People Don’t Do

POST WRITTEN BY: MARC CHERNOFF

“I don’t want to be at the mercy of my emotions.  I want to use them, to enjoy them, and to dominate them.”
―Oscar Wilde

Last night I received an email (creatively) titled “Emotionally Stable People Don’t Do This” from a reader named Karl.  In it he describes a rather chaotic emotional roller coaster that he’s been on for the past few years, personally and professionally.  And then he wrapped up his email with this:

“Truly, I love your book and blog.  Both have helped me get through some seriously tough times.  But even though I’ve made progress, I often struggle with my emotions.  I persistently let every little problem get the best of me.  So I was wondering, what do emotionally stable people NOT do?  I’m asking because, even though I’ve made progress, I know I’m still holding on to old habits that are holding me back.  I need some reminders of what NOT to do!”

There are a million ways to answer Karl’s question (especially as it relates to his unique life situation), but since emotional stability is something all of us struggle with at times, I figured I’d take a stab at answering his question in a general sense, for all of us.  Here’s what emotionally stable people don’t do:

1. They don’t take other people’s behavior personally. – It’s easy to feel unloved and unwanted when people aren’t able to communicate and connect with you in the way you expect.  And it’s so hard not to internalize that disconnection as a reflection on your worth.  But the truth is, the way other people behave and function is not about you.  Most people are so caught up in their own problems, responsibilities and struggles, that the thought of asking you how you’re doing doesn’t even cross their mind.  They aren’t being mean or uncaring – they’re just busy and a bit self-centered at times.  And that’s OK.  It’s not evidence of some fundamental flaw on your part.  It doesn’t make you unlovable or unworthy.  It just means that some people aren’t very good at looking beyond their own egocentric bubble.  But the fact that you are – that despite the darkness you feel, you have the ability to share your love and light with others – is an incredible strength.
2. They don’t get caught up in petty arguments and drama. – Being strong and emotionally stable doesn’t mean you have to stay and fight all the battles and petty arguments that come your way.  It means just the opposite – you don’t have to stay and respond to other people’s rude remarks and unnecessary hostility.  When you encounter someone with a bad attitude, don’t respond by throwing insults back at them.  Keep your dignity and don’t lower yourself to their level.  True strength is being bold enough to walk away from the nonsense with your head held high.  (Read Loving What Is.)
3. They don’t just react (they respond mindfully). – A reaction is a hot, thoughtless, in-the-moment burst of emotion that’s usually driven by our ego (we’re more likely to react when we’re disconnected from our rational mind).  It might last just a split second before our intuition kicks in and offers some perspective, or it might take over to the point that we act on it.  When we feel angry or flustered after dealing with a situation or person, that’s a sign we’ve reacted rather than responded mindfully.   Responding mindfully will leave you feeling like you handled things with integrity and poise.
4. They don’t get stuck thinking the world is ending. – Sometimes the darkest times can bring you to the brightest places, your most painful struggles can grant you the greatest growth, and the most heartbreaking losses of relationships can make room for the most wonderful people.  What seems like a curse at the moment can actually be a blessing in disguise, and what seems like the end of the road is actually just the realization that you are meant to travel a different path.  No matter how difficult things seem, there’s always hope.  And no matter how powerless you feel or how horrible things seem, you can’t give up.  You have to keep going.  Even when it’s scary, even when all your strength seems gone, you have to keep picking yourself back up and moving forward, because whatever you’re battling in the moment, it will pass, and you will make it through.  You’ve made it this far, and you’ve felt this way before.  Think about it.  Remember that time awhile back when you thought the world was ending?  It didn’t.  And it isn’t ending this time either.
5. They don’t tie their present emotions to past negativity. – When we’re in the ‘here and now,’ it’s much easier to cope with emotions and see them as just that: emotions.  If we get caught up obsessing over the past, emotions and situations can take on new (and untrue) meanings as they become attached to stories.  For example, imagine you just got turned down for a new job.  Naturally you’re disappointed.  But if you’re not present with that emotion, and instead try to act like a tough girl or guy by burying it, the mind delves back into your past for all the other times you’ve felt that way.  Now you feel like a failure and you start to carry a feeling of unworthiness into every future job interview.  When we stay present, we’re empowered to start fresh every moment and we can see every situation with a sharpened perspective, which allows us to grow beyond the negative emotions (and outcomes) standing in our way.  (ReadThe Power of Now.)
6. They don’t try to escape change. – Sometimes, no matter how uncomfortable it makes us feel to admit it, there are things in our lives that aren’t meant to stay.  Change may not be what we want, but it’s always exactly what’s happening.  The Earth does not stop spinning.  And sometimes saying goodbye is the hardest thing you will ever have to do.  Or, saying hello will make you more vulnerable and uneasy than you ever thought possible.  Some changes are almost too much to bear.  But most of the time, change is the only thing that will save your life and allow you to dream and grow and succeed and smile again.  Life changes every single moment, and so can you.
7. They don’t try (or pretend) to be perfect. – Despite what others may tell you, you can disappoint people and still be good enough.  You can fail and still be smart, capable and talented.  You can let people down and still be worthwhile and deserving of love and admiration.  Everyone has disappointed someone they care about at some point.  Everyone messes up, lets people down, and makes mistakes.  Not because we’re all inadequate or inept, but because we’re all imperfect and human.  Expecting anything different is setting yourself up for confusion and disappointment.
8. They don’t spew hate at themselves. – When you catch yourself drowning in self-hate, you must remind yourself that you were not born feeling this way.  That at some point in the past some person or experience sent you the message that something is wrong with you, and you internalized this lie and accepted it as your truth.  But that lie isn’t yours to carry, and those judgments aren’t about you.  And in the same way that you learned to think negatively of yourself, you can learn to think new, positive and self-loving thoughts.  You can learn to challenge those false beliefs, strip away their power, and reclaim your self-respect.  It won’t be easy, and it won’t transpire overnight.  But it is possible.  And it begins when you decide that there has to be a better way to live, and that you deserve to discover it. 

Closing Thoughts

Looking after our emotional wellness helps us get the very most out of life.  When we feel emotionally stable, we feel more centered and connected to our intuition.  We become more productive, better at making decisions, more present, and more fulfilled.

So now that we’ve covered eight big “don’ts,” let’s close with a few rapid-fire “do’s” to improve your emotional stability and wellbeing in general…

• Do… understand that the problem is not the problem – the problem is the incredible amount of over-thinking you’re doing with the problem.
• Do… realize that just because you can, doesn’t mean you should.  Just because it’s easy, doesn’t mean it’s worth your while.  Do what’s right in life, not what’s easy.
• Do… know there’s a big difference between empty fatigue and gratifying exhaustion.  Life is too short.  Invest in the activities you deeply care about.
• Do… admit when you are wrong, and then embrace the fact that you are wiser now than you were before.
• Do… say “no” so your yeses have more oomph.
• Do… be so busy loving the people who love you that you don’t have time to worry about the few people who don’t like you for no good reason.
• Do… focus more on being interested than being interesting.
• Do… express gratitude and think about how rich you are – your family and friends are priceless, your time is gold, and your health is true wealth.
• Do… realize that if the grass looks greener on the other side, it’s time to stop staring… stop comparing… stop complaining… and start watering the grass you’re standing on.
• Do… be old enough to appreciate your freedom, and young enough to enjoy it.
• Do… see transitions in life as the perfect opportunity to let go of one situation and embrace something even better coming your way.

Your turn…

What’s one habit or belief that has slowed you down and weakened your emotional stability?  How have you coped?  Leave a comment below and share your thoughts and insights.

Photo by: Slave Stojanoski

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7 Things to Remember When You Feel Discouraged and Defeated

POST WRITTEN BY: MARC CHERNOFF

The worst enemy to productivity and creativity is self-pity.

This morning I didn’t feel like doing anything.  It’s a combination of exhaustion from a few days of hard work, and a lack of sleep with a baby in the house.

I couldn’t motivate myself to do anything important, which is a rare occurrence for me.  I just felt completely discouraged and defeated.  I started overthinking things and doubting myself, and wondering whether anything I do is worthwhile.

I sat there in this funk for nearly an hour and wondered how to get out of it.  Should I just forget about today?  Should I just give up on this project, because I’m not as good at it as I thought I was?

That’s what I was considering, at least for a little while.  But the better part of me knew this mild state of depression was temporary, and so I dug into my own intellectual toolbox for solutions – little tricks of the mind that can have a real effect on reality.

Here’s what works for me – seven things to keep in mind (and do) when you feel discouraged and defeated:

1.  You are not the center of the universe (stop making it all about YOU).

I think we all have the tendency to put ourselves at the center of the universe, and see everything from the viewpoint of how it affects us.  But this can have all kinds of adverse effects, from feeling sorry for ourselves when things aren’t going exactly as planned, to doubting ourselves when we aren’t perfect.

So this morning, instead of worrying so much about myself, I thought about other people I might help.  Finding little ways to help others gets me out of my self-centered thinking, and then I’m not wallowing in self-pity anymore – I’m starting to think about what others need.  I’m not doubting myself, because the question of whether I’m good enough or not is no longer the central question.  The central question now is about what others need.

Thus, thinking about others instead of oneself helps solve feelings of discouragement and defeat.

2.  It is your resistance to ‘what is’ that causes your suffering (be present).

This morning my mind was ruminating about every time and place other than the time and place I was in.  When I caught myself doing this, I brought my focus back to the present.

Remember, happiness is allowing yourself to be perfectly OK with ‘what is,’ rather than wishing for and worrying about ‘what is not.’  ‘What is’ is what’s supposed to be, or it would not be.  The rest is just you, arguing with life.  Think about that for a minute.  This means your suffering only ever occurs when you resist how things are in the present.

Although you can’t control everything that happens to you; you can only control the way you respond to what happens.  In your response is your power.  In your power is your presence.  (Read A New Earth.)

3.  You are more than one thing (loosen up and stretch your identity).

We all have this picture in our minds of ourselves – this idea of what kind of person we are.  When this idea gets threatened, we react defensively.  People may question whether we did a good job, and this threatens our idea of being a competent person, so we become angry or hurt by the criticism.  Someone falsely accuses us of something and this threatens our idea that we’re a good person, and so we get angry and attack the other person.  My identity of myself as someone who’s motivated and productive and has great ideas… this was getting in the way this morning.  When I wasn’t productive, it made me feel defeated because I began subconsciously worrying that I wasn’t who I thought I was.

My solution was to realize that I’m not just one thing.  I’m not always productive – sometimes I am, but sometimes I’m unproductive too.  I’m not always motivated — sometimes I am, but other times I’m feeling lazy.  And obviously I don’t always have great ideas either – because that’s impossible.  The truth is, I can be many things, and remembering this helps me stretch my identity so it isn’t so fragile.  Then it doesn’t matter if someone thinks I didn’t do a good job – because I don’t always do a good job.  I make mistakes.  I am less than perfect.  And that’s perfectly OK.

4. Today is still a priceless gift (make the best of it).

I only have so many days left on Earth.  I don’t know how many that is, but I do know it’s a very limited number.  I know that each one of those limited days is a gift, a blessing… a miracle.  And that squandering this miracle is a crime – a horrible lack of appreciation for what I’ve been given.  And so, I reminded myself this morning that this day counts and that I still need to make the best of it.  That doesn’t mean I need to be hyper-productive or work myself into the ground, but that I should do something worthwhile.

Sometimes taking a break to nourish yourself is a worthwhile activity, because doing so allows you to regroup and do other worthwhile things.  But just sitting around in self-pity isn’t helpful.  So I got up and took my 8-month old son, Mac, for a long walk that we both enjoyed, and I came back feeling better.  (Read The Miracle Morning.)

5.  Complaining is only making matters worse (find a solution).

When I get in a funk, I have a tendency to complain out loud to everyone around who’s close enough to hear me.  Obviously, this doesn’t help them, or me.  And as soon as I catch myself doing this, I force myself to shift gears.

The bottom line is that you will never get to where you want to be by complaining about where you are now.  Each step in your life is preparing you for the one that comes after it.  Complaining does not work as a strategy.  We all have limited time and energy.  Any amount of time we spend whining is unlikely to help us achieve anything worthwhile.  And it won’t make us any happier either.

If you took 10% of the energy you put into complaining and applied it to solving your present problem, you’d be surprised by how well and how fast things can work out.  (I forget this sometimes, which is why I’m writing it down again – to remind myself.)

Working as a life coach for the past decade with people who’ve suffered major trauma in their lives but found the courage to turn it around, I know we all have access to far more power, authority, and influence over our lives than we often believe.  When you stop complaining, and refuse to see yourself as a helpless victim, you’ll find that you are more powerful than you realized, but only if you choose to accept this reality.

6. Feeling discouraged and defeated is a sign that it’s time to make a change (make that change).

It could be a change of heart, a change in your perspective, or a change in your habits.  But the point in any case is that the way you are doing things is no longer working.

When we feel discouraged and defeated, typically our first instinct is to look outside of ourselves for someone or something to blame.  In reality, we ought to be looking at how we’re feeling, what we’re thinking, and how we plan to respond.

Your life is your responsibility.  While you can’t always change what’s outside of you, you can certainly change your perception of it.  And the funny thing is, when you change the way you look at things, the things themselves change, which paves the way for positive action.

7.  Even the tiniest possible step is progress. (take a tiny step NOW).

It can be hard to get moving when you’re seriously stuck.  This is how I felt a decade ago when I was stuck in a rut after simultaneously losing two loved ones to illness and my breadwinning job.  It was really hard to motivate myself when I didn’t think I had the strength to push forward – when I felt insanely horrible and sorry for myself.  But I took one tiny step every day, and it felt good, and I got stronger.

That’s what I did this morning too – I took the tiniest possible step.  Just turning on my computer, opening up a document, and writing a single sentence.  Such an action is so small as to seem insignificant, and yet so easy as to be possible when I was feeling defeated.  And it showed me the next step was possible, and the next.  And the end result is this blog post you’re reading now.

Closing Thoughts

Yes, I’m still feeling out of it, but not defeated.  I’m feeling stronger, because I took these steps.

I know some of you feel the same way from time to time, maybe more often than you’d like to admit.  That’s OK.  We all do.  We aren’t machines, constantly charged up and ready to fire on all cylinders.  We are human, which means we falter, we doubt, and we feel pain sometimes.

And this too shall pass.

Your turn…

What would you add to the list?  What do you try to keep in mind to motivate yourself when you’re feeling discouraged and defeated?  Leave a comment below and share your thoughts and insights?

Photo by: Tony Di Messi

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10 Courageous Ways to Live Life Without Regrets

POST WRITTEN BY: ANGEL CHERNOFF

“Life is inherently risky.  There is only one big risk you should avoid at all costs, and that is the risk of doing nothing.”
―Denis Waitley

Have you ever wondered what gives some people the willingness to move without fear or hesitation?

They do things you believe you can’t do because you’re afraid of the outcome, of the unknown, of the pain.

You see people who can let go of things that might matter to them, and move on with their lives without struggling too much.  You see people who can quit or change their jobs, end difficult relationships, and travel around the world, just like that.

Sometimes you regret not trying harder to follow in the footsteps.  And you wonder…

What do these people have that I don’t?  What’s their secret?

Well, I’ve studied the lives of dozens of courageous (and also successful) people over the years, and I’m happy to share these time-tested strategies for courageously living your life without regrets:

1. Be as weird as you are. – Don’t be afraid to provoke the status quo.  Maybe some of your ideas are crazy.  But crazy ideas are what shake the world.  Crazy ideas make revolutions.  So don’t be afraid to be different, and don’t be afraid to break traditions.  Sure, some people will be frustrated and opposed to your weirdness.  Some people might even criticize you.  But even if it takes time for them to embrace your ideas, you’re showing them a new way of thinking.  You’re planting a seed in their heads and opening their minds – and you’re opening your own mind too.  The minute you understand that you can be weird and mold life your own way, you allow yourself to shake off the erroneous notion that life is just there, and that you’re just going to exist in it, rather than embrace it, change it, improve it, and truly live it.
2. Choose to act even when you’re unsure of your ability. – Everyone has doubts about their abilities.  You might think you’re not good enough, not smart enough, or not strong enough.  And it’s OK if you’re not great at something, because you don’t have to be.  It doesn’t matter if you don’t do things perfectly either.  What matters is that you dare to try.  Instead of looking at the end result (the big picture), divide your project into pieces and tackle the piece you feel most comfortable with first.  You need to be content with small steps in life.  Honestly, that’s all life is – small steps that you take every day, and then one day when you look back down the road it all adds up and you know you covered some serious distance.  (Read The Miracle Morning.)
3. Fearlessly follow your intuition. – Intuition is seeing with the soul.  It’s about giving your God-given instincts a say in the matter.  Of course, at first this may seem irrational.  You might think the more you over-analyze, the more you’ll make good decisions, right?  But more often than not, doing so can actually lead you to make poorer decisions.  Exclusively using your rational mind, or relying on your ego, keeps you safe and secure – meaning there’s no room to take calculated risks and learn and grow from them.  Using your rational mind 24/7 allows your fears to overcome you.  And those fears can cloud the signals that your body – that powerful communicator and receptor – sends you.  So you need to be in the present and pay attention to your body’s sensations: tightness in the chest, goose bumps, odors, visions, etc.  That’s your intuition!  Don’t be afraid to make decisions that seem a little irrational from the outside, yet feel totally right on the inside.
4. Stand up for your values (even at the risk of rejection). – Never compromise your values.  Don’t let the fear of being rejected stop you from affirming what’s important to you.  The right people will respect you more and hold you in higher regard if you’re rigorous about your principles, if you’re honest, and if you stay consistent about what you believe in.  This is a powerful way to solidify your relationships and to gain mutual trust… Maybe not in the beginning, but in the long run.  Furthermore, standing up for your values instantly makes you a leader, as it’s the most heroic quality one can aspire to.
5. Speak your mind even if your voice shakes. – At times, you may think your word has no weight.  But it does (regardless of how miniscule you may think it is).  Your opinion will be an eye-opener for some people, and it will be a source of liberation for others.  We all have an altruist nature buried within.  We all want to help the people around us in some way.  So instead of being stuck in your mind, ask yourself how your thoughts and words might help the ones around you, and focus on them instead of the ones you believe might judge you.  Let people take you as you are, or not at all.  By being yourself, you put something beautiful into the world that was not there before.  And this helps everyone who’s worth helping (including YOU).
6. Be willing to be vulnerable. – Nothing is wrong with telling someone else how you truly feel.  Sharing something personal makes you stronger in people’s eyes, and most importantly in your own.  Being able to show the real you when most people would rather hide behind a fake mask is an admirable quality.  So don’t be ashamed to shed a tear.  Being vulnerable only shows that you’re able to face the truth – even the hard truth – with dignity.  Open yourself up.  Allow yourself to feel, to be mindful and authentic.  Tear down any emotional brick walls you have built around yourself and experience every exquisite emotion, both good and bad.  This is real life.
7. Be willing to be judged. – Don’t let fear of embarrassment stop you from trying something new.  Sometimes we withhold ourselves from novelty because we’re afraid some people might call us silly or stupid.  Shying away from trying something new stops your growth and your evolution.  It stops you from acquiring new skills and knowledge.  And life is a continuous school.  Don’t miss out on opportunities to learn something enriching.  If you think your new project might seem ridiculous to some people, turn those thoughts around in a funny or a disarming way, and go ahead and take the classes that interest you.  And if people judge you for it, feel sorry for them, for simple minds are usually amused by simple things. (Read Daring Greatly.)
8. Admit when you’re wrong. – You would think that pride is a positive emotion, but it’s not when it’s excessive.  Excessive pride is a reaction to insecurity.  So when you know you’re wrong, instead of trying to protect your self-esteem in the eyes of others, hold your tongue for two minutes, take a deep breath, and find the lesson.  Consider the fact that being wrong is OK, and then admit that you are wrong.  Yes, it’s hard.  Yes, it takes strength to admit it, but it makes you more humble and commendable.  And even more importantly, realize that when you’re wrong, you’re meant to be wrong so that you may outgrow the things you need to outgrow.
9. End hurtful relationships. – One of the very hardest parts of loving someone: You have to give things up for them.  And sometimes, you even have to give them up.  Of course, it’s always difficult to let go of someone you care about (or cared about) without getting hurt in the process.  Even if this person has hurt you a hundred times, you start thinking of all these what ifs – these maybes about the future.  But that’s just the thing… there’s nothing concrete and reliable about these feelings and fantasies.  The reality of their actions has disproven them.  When someone shows you their true colors time and time again, it’s best to believe them and carry on without them. 
10. Forgive (even when you’ve been deeply hurt). – Forgiveness isn’t holding on to someone who hurt you; it’s coming to peace with what happened and moving forward with your life, one way or the other.  Some of us have a tendency to hold grudges against people.  We’re unable to let go of the past.  But grudges are a toxic emotion – an emotion that can rot inside you and turn you into a bitter, egotistical zombie.  Know that pain is short-lived.  Emotional pain is a call to acknowledge it and address it, instead of letting it get the best of you.  In fact, forgiveness is the sweetest revenge.  If you can forgive someone who did you wrong, you’re at least one step ahead of them in the karma department, and one step ahead of everyone else who’s still holding on to old grudges that are holding them back.

Closing Thoughts

Life is not about maintaining the status quo.

Life is not about playing it safe.

Life is not about standing still.

It’s about connecting with your soul, respecting your integrity, and telling yourself that you’re able.  It’s about taking a few steps, regardless of how little they may be, so you can move forward, and evolve.

That’s why you were put here on this earth: to grow.  You can be challenged, scared, and stretched to your limits, but taking action will make you feel gratified beyond belief.

And the best part is: You become more decisive, more playful, and more vigorous.

So don’t be afraid to let go of your inhibitions.  Don’t be afraid to be disappointed.  Don’t be afraid to get hurt.

Ask yourself about the costs and implications of not taking action.  Then think of the new possibilities that could arise if you do dare to act.

Be daring and courageous!

Get moving and live it!

This is your one shot…

Take it, today!

Your turn…

What would you add to the list?  What’s something you’ve done that took a lot of courage (that you know you will never regret)?  Leave a comment below and share your thoughts.

Author bio: Naïby Jacques is passionate about holistic health. As she’s also a vegan chef, she’s on a mission to help people add more plant foods to their diet by giving tips and tricks to make quick, easy, and delicious recipes so they can maintain the lifestyle permanently. Get her free 10 Snacks under 10 min that Are Actually Good for You.

Photo by: Jessica Neuwerth

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