10 Habits of Happy, Healthy Couples

Post written by: Angel Chernoff

by Ash Roy

It’s important to understand that love is not just about finding the right person; it’s about working with them to create the right relationship.

Do you struggle in your relationship with your significant other from time to time?  Do you wonder if there’s a way to live together more harmoniously?
I’ve been there.
Can I tell you a little secret?
Most “happy, healthy couples” don’t expect to be happy and harmonious all the time.  They deal with their little quibbles and make conscious choices that lead to happiness as a couple in the long-term.
Being in a relationship with one person for more than a few years is one heck of a ride.  It ain’t always easy.  In fact, it’s hard a lot of the time.
See, it’s not about finding the right one, but rather about being the right one.
Before I got married, I embarked on a mini research project.  I asked over 100 couples who’d been married for more than 20 years this one question: “What’s the secret to a happy marriage?”
What I learned from them really broadened my perspective on relationships.  It set a realistic framework for my marriage.  Ten years later, my wife and I still love each other dearly — despite the various ups and downs all marriages are subject to.
The lessons that research project taught me, combined with my own experiences, have revealed key daily habits necessary for a happy, healthy relationship.
Here are 10 things happy, healthy couples do every day:

1.  They cherish their differences.

Have you noticed a happy couple together?  They aren’t fiercely independent or pathologically dependent.  They’ve struck a healthy medium.
I think of it as interdependence.  They can agree to disagree on the little things.
Sure, they’re aligned on the big things like life goals.  But they don’t feel that they have to like the same music and share a favorite color.  They don’t expect their partner to approve of all their choices.  Each partner stands in his or her own power and respects the other’s opinion.
Each partner is a happy and successful person in his or her own right.

2.  They keep their assumptions in check.

We go into most situations with certain assumptions —based on our life experiences.
Let’s say one partner grew up in a touchy-feely family and the other didn’t.  The one who did grow up in a touchy-feely family is likely to interpret the other’s behavior as distant or indifferent.
The incorrect assumption?  To express affection, we must be touchy-feely.  That assumption right there can wreak havoc in a relationship!
The solution? Be mindful of your underlying assumptions that sabotage your relationship.
So how do you actually do this?  The next time you’re upset with your partner, check in with yourself first.  Ask yourself: “What are the facts and what are my opinions (based on my assumptions) about this situation?”
Fact: He’s not very physically expressive.
Opinion (based on your assumptions): He doesn’t love me as much as I love him.
Now that you’ve separated the facts from your opinion, question your opinion.  Does that opinion help or hurt your relationship?  I find this kind of self-inquiry to be surprisingly powerful.  Try it.  (Read The Mastery of Love.)

3.  They don’t confuse their spouse with a carnival psychic.

It’s quite common to think of our partner as an extension of ourselves.  It just happens.  We often assume they know what we’re thinking… almost as if he or she lives in our head.
Here’s an example: John loves his wife Alice.  They’ve been married for 8 years.  Alice comes back from an awful day at work and John greets her enthusiastically.
Alice somehow expects John to know she’s had a bad day.  She wants space and finds his enthusiasm annoying.  Meanwhile, John has no idea what’s going through Alice’s mind, and is trying to work out why she’s so cold and distant.
See the problem here?
We often assume our partners live in our heads and then expect them to respond to our un-communicated frustrations.
Not. Going. To. Happen.
Happy, healthy couples have worked this out.  They make a conscious effort to communicate their needs to each other — even if it seems obvious.
Especially when it seems obvious.

4.  They do their best to step into each other’s shoes.

In other words, they are mindful of each other’s unique perspective.
Imagine this: You know your partner had very little sleep last night.  If you are mindful of this, you’ll interpret their abruptness through their lens (not yours): “I’m tired and I’m not myself right now.”
You won’t take things as personally as you otherwise would have.  You’ll realize it has nothing to do with you and won’t feel hurt.  You won’t react with anger.
Conflict averted.
Even better, you’re more likely to be considerate and offer to give them a back rub to take the edge off.  A little empathy driven shift in perspective goes a really long way.

5.  They recognize the value of personal growth.

You know how to tell if something is alive and well?  You look for evidence of growth.
Great relationships usually have partners committed to lifelong learning and growth.  They’re curious about things.  They are keen to learn from the world and from each other.
Because of their love for learning they afford each other the freedom to develop as individuals within the relationship.
I’ve seen quite a lot of unhappiness in relationships caused by one or both partners being clingy.  They don’t want their significant other to change so they don’t have to change themselves.
But here’s the simple truth: Change is a part of the universe and humans are no exception.
If you want to have a successful relationship you’ve got to embrace learning and personal growth with open arms.

6.  They assume the best of intentions.

Life throws a lot of challenges in every couple’s way.  Happy, healthy couples have figured out the solution lies in consciously adopting an optimistic attitude towards each other and the world in general.
In practice, this means they choose to look for good intentions behind each other’s actions rather than assuming the worst.  They build their relationship on this platform of faith in each other.
The result?  Their approach engenders trust and respect — two key cornerstones of a successful relationship.
Cultivating learned optimism gives you an opportunity to ‘set the tone’ in the relationship.  You feed off each other’s energy and can create a bond where the whole is greater than the sum of the parts. 

7.  They seek rapport even in moments of conflict.

Smart couples know the importance of mirroring their partner’s feelings by repeating their partner’s words.
“What I heard you say was that you’re very angry and hurt about my having forgotten your birthday.  I’m sorry that I forgot your birthday and I understand that you’re angry and hurt.  I’d feel the same way if I were you.”
By repeating their partner’s exact words and phrases it forces them to empathize deeply.
Honoring each other’s feelings reinforces mutual trust and respect and builds deep understanding.

8.  They figure out a way to reconnect.

One of the best books on relationships that I’ve read is called Getting the Love You Want by Harville Hendrix.  Hendrix believes the main reason couples fight is because they feel disconnected.  And happy, healthy couples have figured out ways to reconnect.  They both take individual responsibility to reconnect after a little argument or any sort of friction that inevitably creeps into their day-to-day lives.
They don’t let their daily resentments eat away at the relationship.
Sure, they give each other space when necessary, but then they figure out a way to reconnect with each other — usually via acts of good will and kindness.
A bunch of flowers picked from the garden.  A bit of humor to lighten the mood.  A hug.  Heck, even a smile.  It doesn’t really matter what.  They do something to reconnect and they do it as soon as possible.

9.  They make time to nurture their relationship. (Especially if they have kids!)

Ever seen a couple with kids at the grocery store.  See that look on their faces?  Like they’re about to explode.  That’s cause they are!
Kids can obliterate essential ‘couple time’ — critical to any happy relationship.
Happy, healthy couples know this and they make time to spend exclusively with each other.  Whether this means getting a babysitter and having a date night every week or just having a glass of wine together after the kids have gone to bed.  They make sure it happens.
It’s essential to make time!  I can’t stress it enough.  Don’t do this and it could be years before you really connect with each again — if at all!  And if you eventually do you won’t recognize each other.
So, when was the last time you went out for a planned date with your partner?

10.  They are committed to weathering the peaks and valleys.

I’ve saved the best for last, because this is the most crucial point of them all.
Show me any great couple and I’ll show you two people who are committed to making their relationship work.  No.  Matter.  What.  They put in the effort day in and day out.  They’re willing to have the difficult conversations.  They fight, but they admit to their mistakes and apologize.  They argue, but make the effort to understand the other’s perspective.
Because every healthy relationship needs an argument every now and then… just to prove that it is strong enough to survive.  Long-term relationships, the ones that matter, are all about weathering the peaks and the valleys.
Happy, healthy couples know this, and they persevere.  They don’t give up on each other.  They stick it out.

Afterthoughts

A happy, healthy long-term relationship as I’ve described in this post may be one decision away from you.
And that’s the decision to be that ideal partner you’re looking for in your partner.  In most cases, what you bring into the relationship has a direct impact on what you get out of it.
I believe every one of us is capable of making this decision.
I did.  And so can you.
It won’t be easy.  But it’s well worth it in the end.

Your turn…

In your experience, what helps create a happy, healthy relationship?  Please leave a comment below and share your thoughts with the community.
Photo by: ShutterStock.com

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30 Things to Let Go of Before the New Year

post written by: Marc Chernoff

You will find that it is necessary to let some things go, simply for the reason that they are heavy.  So let them go… LET GO of them.  Tie no weights to your ankles.

“Yesterday afternoon my twin sister called me from her hospital room.  She’s been in a coma for almost a year now.  Entering the holiday season and New Year with my sister back at my side is a priceless feeling.  We actually spent the entire night together, talking and laughing.  She’s still weak, of course, but surprisingly coherent.”
That’s the opening paragraph to an email I received this morning from a reader named Amber.  It caught my attention for obvious reasons.
Amber then went on to say, “But you know what the really crazy thing is?  A month before my sister’s accident, we got in a ridiculous argument and didn’t speak to each other for that entire month. And today, honestly, neither one of us can even remember why we were so darn mad.  We were just being stubborn and holding on to the wrong thoughts.  I’m so grateful we were able to let it go and get another chance to love each other.”
Wow!  Talk about a wake-up call and a great reminder for all of us to LET IT GO.
And since the New Year is just around the corner, which inspires many of us to refocus our energy and attention on the right things, I think it’s a perfect time right now to start letting go of the wrong things.  Wouldn’t you agree?
So today, I challenge you to this:
Before the New Year…

1. Let go of your temper. – Never do something permanently foolish just because you are temporarily upset.
2. Let go of petty grudges. – Life is far too short to be spent nursing bitterness and registering wrongs.  If there’s someone in your life who deserves another chance, give it to them.  If you need to apologize, do it.  Give your story together a happy, new beginning.
3. Let go of the idea that everyone has it better than you. – If the grass looks greener on the other side…  Stop staring.  Stop comparing.  Stop complaining and START watering the grass you’re standing on.
4. Let go of lingering false beliefs. – Stop from time to time and ask yourself, “Is it true?”  It’s funny how we can sometimes wrap our minds around things and fit them into our version of reality.  But thinking something does not make it true.  Wanting something does not make it real.  So watch your thoughts.  Be wise.  When your identity is not rooted in the truth, it can lead to toxic and lonely places where we seek approval from the wrong things.  (Read Loving What Is.)
5. Let go of expired ideals. – Growth is painful.  Change is painful.  But in the end, nothing is as painful as staying stuck somewhere you do not belong.
6. Let go of yesterday’s tragedies. – You are not what has happened to you; you are what you choose to become in this moment.  Drop the needless burden, take a deep breath and start again.  Ultimately, you will know you are on the right track in life when you become disinterested in looking back, and eager to take the next step.
7. Let go of your tendency to avoid problems. – You cannot change what you refuse to confront.
8. Let go of life’s little annoyances. – Don’t let dumb little things break your happiness.  Frustration and stress come from the way you react, not the way things are.  Adjust your attitude, and the frustration and stress is gone.
9. Let go of assuming other people are more “normal” than you. – The only normal people you know are the ones you don’t know very well.  Period.
10. Let go acting standoffish and unapproachable. – We all need to learn to be more human.  Don’t avoid eye contact.  Don’t hide behind gadgets.  Smile often.  Ask about people’s stories.  Listen.
11. Let go of the idea that some people are below you. – Even if you’ve worked really hard to get to where you are in life, there’s no such thing as a self-made person.  Someone believed, encouraged, and invested in you.  Be grateful and be that someone for others too.  What goes around eventually comes around.  No one has ever made themselves strong in the long run by showing how small someone else is.  So don’t be lazy and make assumptions about people.  Ask about their story.  Then listen.  Be humble.  Be teachable.  Be human.  Be a good neighbor.
12. Let go of the idea that you are what you physically own. – You are an incredible human being who’s entirely detached from what you have physically acquired in this world.  Remember to remain humble.  Ultimately, two things define you more than anything else: Your patience when you have very little, and your attitude when you have more than enough.
13. Let go of wanting stuff you don’t need. – Don’t think of cost.  Think of value.  And remember, it’s always easier to find wealth by needing less, instead of making more and more and more.  (Read The Total Money Makeover.)
14. Let go of seeking happiness from outside yourself. – In life, you have to create your own sunshine.  Happiness starts from within.  So read something positive every morning and do something positive before you go back to sleep.  Keep your focus on all the positive possibilities and opportunities, and you will feel great.  Feel great, and you will do great things.
15. Let go of wanting to be repaid of every good deed you do. – Don’t worry too much about what’s in it for you.  If you’re making a positive contribution to others, there’s always something in it for you.  You were born with the ability to change someone’s life.  Don’t ever waste it.  Be kind.  Be present.  Be someone who makes a difference.
16. Let go of all the little white lies and charades. – How do you build credibility?  It’s not rocket science.  Be honest.  Follow through.  Honor your promises.  Say sorry when you screw up.  Be the type of person you want to meet and spend time with.  Be the type of person whose actions, words and values always agree with each other.
17. Let go of any hypocrisy. – For instance, don’t pray when it rains if you don’t pray when the sun shines.
18. Let go of putting everyone else’s needs in front of your own. – Give as much as you can every day, but don’t allow yourself to be used.  Listen to others closely, but don’t lose your own voice.
19. Let go of fearing what your intuition is telling you to do. – Fear kills more dreams than failure ever will.  So don’t let fear shut you down; let it wake you up.  Do one thing every day that scares you.  The more that you act on your intuition fearlessly, the more your intuition will serve you.  If you genuinely feel something, pay attention.
20. Let go of waiting for the stars to align. – Remember, you don’t always need the perfect plan.  Sometimes you just need to give it a try, let go, and see what happens.  Just do the best you can until you know better.  Once you know better, do better.
21. Let go of the need to get everything done at once. – Keep going.  True purpose has no time limit.  True purpose has no deadline.  Don’t stress and overwhelm yourself.  Just do what you can right now.
22. Let go of the “all or nothing” mentality regarding success. – Appreciate the grey area between the extremes of success and failure – the journey, the process, the path – what you’re learning, how you’re helping others learn too, and the growing process you allow yourself to participate in.  And above all, never let success get to your head or failure get to your heart.
23. Let go of criticizing yourself. – Nobody is inspired by your misery or self-deprecating comments.  If you wish to inspire yourself and others, be joyful.  Have fun.  Love yourself.  Forgive yourself.  Accept yourself.  Be unapologetically YOU.
24. Let go of those who say you aren’t attractive enough. – More women worldwide are suffering from anorexia and bulimia than are fighting breast cancer.  There are similar statistics for men too.  Love yourself the way you are, because you are beautiful just the way you are.
25. Let go of changing just to impress people. – Change because it makes you a better person and leads you to a brighter future.  Change because you know it’s the right thing to do for YOU.
26. Let go of needing everyone to like you. – Everyone doesn’t need to like you, and some people won’t no matter what you do.  Try not to take the things these people say about you personally.  What they think and say is a reflection of them, not you.  (Read The Mastery of Love.)
27. Let go of all negative influences.  Period. – You can’t expect to feel good if you surround yourself with negativity.  Be with those who bring out the best in you, not the stress in you.
28. Let go of thinking that giving up the wrong things (and relationships) means failure. – Giving up and moving on are two very different things.
29. Let go of the idea that it’s too late to start over and get it right. – Remember, it’s always better to be at the bottom of the ladder you want to climb than the top of the one you don’t.
30. Let go of putting things off for one more day. – Stop procrastinating.  Stop wishing for it and start working for it.  Do what you have to do today so you can do what you truly want to do, and be where you truly want to be, tomorrow.

Afterthoughts

Sometimes the hardest part isn’t letting go, but rather learning to start over in certain areas of your life.  This is a challenge all of us face.  If you’re struggling with any of the points above, there is a clear path to the new beginning you seek.  Your present habits are simply broken and need to be mended.  When you trust a broken set of habits every day, it’s only a matter of time before you feel broken too.
It doesn’t have to be this way though.  You can make adjustments starting today that will instantly help you feel better, think more clearly, and live more effectively.

The floor is yours…

What’s the #1 thing you need to let go of before the New Year?  Leave a comment below and share your thoughts with us.

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10 Great Privileges We Forget to Be Thankful For

post written by: Marc Chernoff

Even in times of uncertainty – even when life seems far from perfect – it’s always important to keep things in perspective.

Wealth is the ability to fully experience life.
― Henry David Thoreau

1. You are alive.
2. You didn’t go to sleep hungry last night.
3. You didn’t go to sleep outside.
4. You had a choice of what clothes to wear this morning.
5. You haven’t spent a minute in fear for your life.
6. You know someone who loves you.
7. You have access to clean drinking water.
8. You have access to medical care.
9. You have access to the Internet.
10. You can read.

Some might say you are incredibly wealthy and privileged, so remember to be thankful for all the things you do have.

Your turn…

What would you add to the list?
What do you sometimes forget to be thankful for?
Please leave a comment below and share your thoughts.
Photo by: D.Ph

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9 Good Reminders that Will Change the Way You Think

post written by: Marc Chernoff

“The world as we have created it is a process of our thinking.  It cannot be changed without changing our thinking.”
― Albert Einstein

“This morning, nearly five years after my husband’s passing, a beautiful couple and their three kids knocked on my front door.  The man smiled and said, “Your husband was my heart donor.  He saved my life.  Not a single day has gone by that I don’t pray for him and think of you.  Thank you!”
This is the opening paragraph right out of an email I received today from a reader named, Colleen.  She goes on to admit that she couldn’t see any positive sides of her husband’s death, until she was staring at them on her door step.  “It doesn’t necessarily make things easier, but it certainly changed the way I think.  I feel like a small piece of my broken heart has healed.”
And the truth is, it happens just like that.  Although Colleen’s experience is unique, and somewhat extreme, at some point life slaps all of us with a good reminder that shifts our perspective.  Personally, I have been slapped with several of these reminders over the years.   And today, I want to pass a few of them along to you…

1. Everything that happens helps you grow, even if it’s hard to see right now. – Circumstances will direct you, correct you, and perfect you over time.  Sometimes these circumstances knock you down, hard.  There will be times when it seems like everything that could possibly go wrong is going wrong.  And you might feel like you will be stuck in this rut forever, but you won’t.  When you feel like quitting, remember that sometimes things have to go very wrong before they can be right.  Sometimes you have to go through the worst, to arrive at your best.  Because our most significant opportunities are often found in times of great difficulty.  Thus, you will face your greatest opposition when you are closest to your biggest miracle.
2. The way you feel about people and situations will shift, and that’s OK. – Things will seem totally different to you at some point in the future, just as you feel different now than you did in the past.  So remember, just because you liked something at one point in time doesn’t mean you’ll always like it, or that you have to go on liking it at all points in the future as an act of loyalty to who you are as a person, based solely on who you once were as a person.  To be loyal to yourself is to allow yourself to grow and change, and challenge who you once were and what you once thought.  The only thing you ever have to be for sure is unsure, and this means you’re growing, and not stagnant or shrinking.  (Read The Untethered Soul.)
3. There will always be more tough changes to make. – Growth is painful.  Change is painful.  But in the end, nothing is as painful as staying stuck somewhere you do not belong.  Again, you’re not the same person you were a year ago, a month ago, or a week ago.  You’re always growing.  Experiences don’t stop.  That’s life.  It takes a great deal of courage to admit that something needs to change, and a lot more courage still, to accept the responsibility for making the change happen.  But doing so is worth every bit of effort you can muster.
4. Those who complain the most, accomplish the least. – It’s always better to attempt to do something great and fail than to attempt to do nothing and succeed.  It’s not over if you’ve lost; it’s over when you do nothing but complain about it.  If you believe in something, keep trying.  Don’t let the shadows of the past darken the doorstep of your future.  Spending today complaining about yesterday won’t make tomorrow any brighter.  Take action instead.  And regardless of what happens in the long run, remember that true happiness begins to arrive only when you stop complaining about your problems and you start being grateful for all the problems you don’t have.
5. The happiness of your life depends on the quality of your thoughts. – The mind is your battleground.  It’s the place where the greatest conflict resides.  It’s where half of the things you thought were going to happen, never did happen.  But if you allow these thoughts to dwell in your mind, they will succeed in robbing you of peace, joy, and ultimately your life.  You will think yourself into a nervous breakdown, into depression, and into defeat.  You are what you think.  You can’t change anything if you can’t change your thinking.  A beautiful day begins with a beautiful mindset.  When you wake up, take a second to think about what a privilege it is to simply be alive and healthy.  Breathe onto the bathroom mirror, just to see how amazing your breath looks.  The moment you start acting like life is a blessing, I assure you it will start to feel like one.
6. You were born with the ability to change someone’s life. – Don’t ever waste it.  Be kind.  Be present.  Be someone who makes a difference.  In a gentle way, you can shake the world.  Truth be told, the purpose of life is not just to be happy in your own little bubble; it is to be helpful, to be honorable, to be compassionate and kind, to have your life make some kind of difference that you have lived and lived well.  Go ahead; leave the world a little better than you found it.
7. You can best serve yourself and others by giving yourself what YOU need. – That’s right, your needs matter more than you can imagine.  Don’t ignore them.  Sometimes you have to do exactly what’s best for you and your life, not just what seems best on the surface for everyone else.  Decide this very minute to never again beg anyone for the love, respect, and attention that you should be showing yourself.  Today, look at yourself in the mirror and say, “I love you, and from now on I’m going to act like it.”  Because the truth is, when we practice self-love and self-respect, we give ourselves the opportunity to be happy.  And when we are happy, we become better friends, better family members, and better lovers.  (Read Loving What Is.)
8. Everyone you meet serves a purpose in your life. – We meet no ordinary people in our lives.  If you give them a chance, everyone has something amazing to offer.  They may not be what you expected or wanted, but their presence is important.  Some people will test you, some will teach you, and some will bring out the very best in you.  So be thankful for everyone in your life.  Yes EVERYONE!  It’ll be hard sometimes, but do your best to be grateful for the rude, difficult people too.  They serve as great reminders of how NOT to be.
9. You are not alone in feeling weird and alone. – I used to think I was the strangest person in the world, but then I thought about how there are so many people in the world, there must be someone just like me who feels weird and flawed in the same ways I do.  I would imagine him or her, and imagine that he or she must be out there thinking of me too.  Well, I hope that if you are out there and reading this, you now know that, yes, it’s true I’m here, and I’m just as strange as you.  I often feel and think and struggle much like you do.  I care about many of the things you care about, just in my own way.  And although some people do not understand us, we understand each other.  YOU are not weird and alone!

Afterthoughts

I hope you will have a wonderful day today, that you will dream boldly and dangerously, that you will make something that didn’t exist before you took action, that you will love and be loved in return, and that you will find the strength to accept and grow from the troubles you can’t change.  And, most importantly (because I think there should be more kindness and wisdom in this crazy world), that you will, when you must, be wise with your decisions, and that you will always be extra kind to yourself and others.

The floor is yours…

What else would you add to the list?  What’s one good reminder you try to keep in mind to keep yourself on track?  Leave a comment below and share your thoughts and insights.

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The 10 Most Important Questions You Can Ask Yourself Today

post written by: Marc Chernoff

At the end of the day, the questions we ask ourselves determine the type of people we become.

When you’ve been running a successful personal development blog and life coaching business for the better part of a decade, one thing becomes crystal clear:
Everyone has the same basic wants and needs.
No kidding, over the years Angel and I have gotten to know thousands of people of different ethnic backgrounds, from different cities and countries, who live at various socioeconomic levels, and trust me, every one of us basically wants the same things.  We want validation, love, happiness, fulfillment, money, and hopes for a better future.  The way we pursue these needs is where things branch off, but the fundamentals are the same.
Think about it.  If I ask you, “Quickly, in one sentence, what do you want most out of life?” I bet your rushed response is going to be something like, “I want to be happy, and have a healthy family, and a career I like that pays well, etc.”  Your response is going to be so common and ubiquitous that it basically doesn’t even mean anything.  Which is precisely why senseless, happy-go-lucky questions like this aren’t very helpful.  And yet, this is precisely the kind of questions we often ask ourselves.
So what kind of questions might you ask instead?  Questions that force you into a corner.  Questions that help you embrace the sacrifices it takes to get where you want to go.  Questions that motivate you to focus on the next step forward.  In other words, questions like…

1. What is worth suffering for? – If you want the benefits of something in life, you have to also want the costs.  If you want the six-pack abs, you have to want the sweat, the sore muscles, the early mornings at the gym, and the low carb meals.  If you want the successful business, you have to also want the late nights, the risky business deals and decisions, and the possibility of failing fifty times to learn what you need to know to succeed.  If you find yourself wanting something month after month, year after year, yet nothing happens and you never come any closer to it, then maybe what you actually want is just an idealization, a fantasy, and a false promise.  Maybe you don’t actually want it at all, because you’re not willing to suffer though the work it’s going to take to achieve it.
2. Based on my daily routines and actions, where can I expect to be in five years? – This question just backs up the first one.  If you have an idea about what you want the next chapter of your life to look like, you have to DO things that support this idea every day.  An idea, after all, isn’t going to do anything for you until you do something productive with it.  In fact, as long as that great idea is just sitting around in your head it’s doing far more harm than good.  Your subconscious mind knows you’re procrastinating on something that’s important to you.  The necessary work that you keep postponing causes stress, anxiety, fear, and usually more procrastination – a vicious cycle that continues to worsen until you interrupt it with ACTION.  (Read 7 Habits of Highly Effective People.)
3. What do I need to spend more or less time doing going forward? – Most of us spend way too much time on what is urgent and not enough time on what is important.  In other words, productivity is not just about getting things done, it’s about getting the right things done.  At the end of each day, look at how you have spent your time, and adjust the allocation as necessary for tomorrow.  Do your best to get rid of your schedule’s complexities so you can spend more time on the things that matter.  This means fine-tuning and eliminating all but the essential tasks, so you are left with only the ones that add value to your life.  And above all, know when to set aside the important things for the vital things, like family.
4. In service of what? – As Viktor Frankl so eloquently put it: “Don’t aim at success.  The more you aim at it and make it a target, the more you are going to miss it.  For success, like happiness, cannot be pursued, it must ensue, and it only does so as the unintended side effect of one’s personal dedication to a cause greater than one’s self.”  So think bigger.  Be a part of something greater than yourself.  This could be anything.  Some people take an active role in their local city council, some find refuge in their faith or family, some join social clubs supporting causes they resonate with, and others find passion in their careers.  In each case the psychological outcome is the same.  They engage themselves in something they strongly believe in.  This engagement brings happiness, success, and meaning into their lives.
5. What am I pretending not to know? – Reality denied always comes back to haunt.  There are two ways to be fooled by your own subconscious.  One is to believe what isn’t true; the other is to refuse to believe what is true.  Both are tragic forms of self-deception, because the person who lies to herself and listens to her own lies comes to a point that she cannot distinguish the truth within her, or around her, and so loses respect for herself and for others she cares about.  Don’t be this person.  All possibilities open up when we stop deceiving ourselves.
6. What old rejections are still holding me back today? – All too often we let the rejections of our past dictate every move we make.  We literally do not know ourselves to be any better than what some opinionated person or narrow circumstance once told us was true.  Of course, an old rejection doesn’t mean we aren’t good enough; it just means some person or circumstance from our past failed to align with what we had to offer at the time.  It means we were graced with more time to improve our thing – to build upon our ideas, to perfect our craft, and indulge deeper in to the work that moves us.  Don’t let old rejections take up permanent residence in your head.  Kick them out on the street.  
7. What do I not want others to know about me? – This question cuts right to the heart of your insecurities.  Let it remind you that problems and flaws are a part of everyone’s life.  If you try to hide them, you don’t give the people in your life a chance to truly know you and love you.  And you allow small problems to escalate and dominate your self-confidence.  When you make a mistake, it might be irritating, but don’t bury it.  Be open about it, address it, and move on.  Our problems are really our blessings if we use them to grow stronger.  And, ultimately, the people who belong in your life will see your problems and flaws simply as signs that you are just as human as they are.
8. Are the people around me helping me or hurting me? – A big part of who you become in life has to do with who you choose to surround yourself with.  And as you know, it is better to be alone than in bad company.  You simply cannot expect to live a positive, fulfilling life if you surround yourself with negative people.  Distancing yourself from these people is never easy, but it’s a lot harder when they happen to be close friends or family members.  As hard as it may be, it’s something you need to address.  To a certain degree, luck controls who walks into your life, especially as it relates to your family and childhood friends, but you decide who you spend the majority of your time with.
9. How are my “shoulds” getting in the way of my “haves”? – The desires of our ego are often in conflict with the emotions of our heart.  Find your balance between planning and presence – between striving and appreciation.  Work hard, but don’t go looking for something better every second.  You must be willing to loosen your grip on the life you have planned so you can enjoy the life that is waiting for you in this moment.  It may not be everything you want for your future, but it’s everything you need right now.  Experience it and appreciate it.
10. What is worth smiling about right now? – As Shawn Achor describes in his book The Happiness Advantage, a recent scientific study showed that doctors who are put in a positive mood before making a diagnosis consistently experience significant boosts to their intellectual abilities than doctors in a neutral state, which allows them to make accurate diagnoses almost 20% faster.  The same study then shifted to other vocations and found that optimistic salespeople outsell their pessimistic counterparts by over 50%.  Students primed to feel happy before taking math tests substantially outperform their neutral peers.  So it turns out that our minds are literally hardwired to perform at their best not when they are negative, or even neutral, but when they are positive.

Your turn…

At any given moment, life is filled with unanswered questions, but it is the courage to seek these answers that continues to give our lives meaning.  Honestly, you can spend your life wallowing in despair, wondering why you were the one who was led down a road strewn with trouble and confusion, or you can be grateful that you are strong enough to survive it and step forward.
So with that said, which of the questions above hit home the most?  Why?  Leave a comment below and share your thoughts and insights with us.
Photo by: Marco Bellucci

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9 Negative Thoughts that Push People Away from You

post written by: Marc Chernoff

If you realized how powerful your thoughts are, you would never think another negative thought.

In our line of work, we often see the same exact negative thinking patterns tearing otherwise healthy individuals apart.  And we’ve witnessed, firsthand, the devastation this negativity causes to their personal and professional growth, and to their relationships.
But let’s be honest, we all get our minds stuck in the gutter sometimes.  None of us are immune to the negative thoughts that creep up in the backs of our minds.  However, that doesn’t mean we have to succumb to them.  Whether your negative thinking is a common occurrence, or just a once in a while phenomena, it’s critical for your long-term happiness and success that you are able to recognize when you’re thinking negatively, and consciously shift your mindset from negative to positive.
Here are nine of the most common negative thoughts we see people struggle with, and some tips to get back on track:

1. “I need to be exactly who they want me to be.” – Life offers you a priceless opportunity in every single moment to see and experience Who You Really Are.  Seize it!  Sometimes we get completely lost in trying to live life for others, trying to meet their expectations, doing things just to impress them.  Take a moment now and stop yourself.  Are you doing things because you truly believe in them?  Remember your own needs and goals.  Remember who YOU are.  Live, do and love so that you are happy too, because when it comes down to it, you can’t be true to others unless you are true to yourself first.
2. “I don’t like them because they are different.” – Make a promise to yourself.  Promise to stop the drama before it begins, to breathe deeply and peacefully, and to love others and yourself without conditions.  Promise to laugh at your own mistakes, and to realize that no one is perfect; we are all human.  Feelings of self-worth can flourish only in an atmosphere where individual differences are appreciated, mistakes are tolerated, communication is open, and rules are flexible.  (Read Loving What Is.)
3. “They have it so much easier than me.” – No one has it easier than you.  Every one of us is fighting our own private battles.  The strongest among us aren’t those who show strength we can see, but those who have won incredible inner battles we know nothing about.  Assuming someone has it easier than you only builds a barrier between the two of you.
4.  “I don’t have enough (or I am not enough) to make a difference.” – Many of your greatest accomplishments in life will come when you are able to bless someone else while you are going through your own storm.  So regardless of what’s going on in your life, be gentle and kind.  Think before you speak and act.  Always remember that the words and actions you choose can only be forgiven, not forgotten.  You were made to make a difference, so embrace every opportunity to do so.  No act of your kindness, no matter how tiny, will ever be wasted.
5. “It’s all their fault.” – If you sit around for too long blaming others for the things they did or didn’t do, or know or didn’t know, you’ll remain sitting in one spot until you pass.  Placing blame is easy, because it means you don’t have to do anything; you just have to sit around for your entire life.  But that’s not living; that’s dying.  To accept where you are without blame by seizing the present for what it is – for the opportunities it’s giving you every instant – that’s what injects life into your story, into your relationships, and ultimately moves you forward.
6. “I will never forgive them.” – We often keep our hearts closed, not because we don’t trust others not to leave us, let us down, or stop loving us, but because we don’t trust ourselves to survive the pain of them leaving, letting us down, or not loving us anymore.  How ironic, considering that only by suffering through these very losses, do we come to realize our true strength.  Truth be told, it takes a strong heart to love, but it takes an even stronger heart to continue to love after it’s been hurt.  If someone hurts you, betrays you, or breaks your heart, forgive them, for they have helped you learn about trust and the importance of being cautious when you open your heart.  You are stronger now and better equipped to find the kind of love you deserve.  Bottom line: Don’t let the wrong people from your past keep you from the right people in your present.  Forgive and move forward.
7. “I’m way too busy for family and friends right now.” – The people you take for granted today may be the only ones you need tomorrow.  Never be too busy to make time for those who matter most, because sooner or later you just want to be around those special people who make you smile.  So today, make time for those who help you love yourself more.  Schedule them into your busy day.  They are worth it.
8. “It’s OK to stretch the truth sometimes.” – No, it really isn’t.  In fact, it’s disheartening to think how many people are shocked by honesty, and how few by deceit.  Don’t be one of them.  Uphold the truth, always.  Those who are easily shocked should be shocked more often, and you should be the one shocking them with honest words and deeds every day.  The bottom line here is that an honest, loving heart is the beginning of everything that is right with this world.  It’s what brings us together and keeps us together through thick and thin.  (Read The Four Agreements.)
9. “My mistakes today prove that I am a failure.” – This mindset will drive you and everyone around you crazy.  Finish each day and be done with it.  You have done the best you could.  Some blunders and absurdities no doubt crept in; forgive and forget them as soon as you can. Remember, your failure does not define you, your determination does.  Failure is simply the opportunity to begin again, smarter than before.  Tomorrow is a new day.  You shall begin it peacefully and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with old nonsense.

Your turn…

If you can relate to any of these negative thoughts, remember, you are not alone.  We all have negativity buried deep within us that has the potential to sneak up on us sometimes.  The key, of course, is awareness – recognizing these negative thoughts when they arise and stopping them in their tracks.
So, what negative thoughts sometimes sneak up on you?  How has your negativity pushed people away from you?  How have you coped?  Leave a comment below and share your thoughts and insights with us.
Photo by: Lauren Rushing

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One Question that Will Free You from Judgments and Drama

post written by: Marc Chernoff

If you listen closely to your intuition you will always know what is “best” for you, because what is best for you is what is true for you.

Your body has five senses: sight, hearing, smell, taste, and touch.  But not to be ignored are the inner senses of your soul: intuition, foresight, and self-trust.  The most common differences between happy and unhappy people lie in their use of these inner senses.  So many people don’t know anything about them though, while others rely on their inner senses just as they rely on their physical senses, and in fact probably even more.  And this makes all the difference in the world.
The senses of your soul help you express your whole truth, and being true to yourself takes work, because it’s so easy to get sidetracked and influenced by others.  It’s easy to get caught up in the drama.  You have to put in the effort and stand strong every day to honor your own ideas, feelings, intuitions and aspirations.
When you add more of your self into your daily actions and decisions, your sense of self-worth (your TRUE self) blooms.  That is the path to a happier, truer, more wholesome YOU.
So today, I challenge you to make this your lifelong motto: “I respectfully do not care.”  Say it to anyone who passes judgment on something you strongly believe in or something that makes you who you are.  People will inevitable judge you at some point anyway, and that’s OK.  You affected their life; don’t let them affect yours.

Your turn…

In what way have people tried to judge you and mess with your truth?
When and how did you realize this?  What did you do about it?
Please leave a comment below and share your thoughts and insights.

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