9 Things Happy Couples Never Think

post written by: Marc Chernoff

 

“There cannot be a relationship unless there is commitment, unless there is loyalty, unless there is understanding, patience, and persistence.”
―Cornel West

It’s easy to make a relationship more difficult than it really is.  Angel and I work with coaching clients every day who do just that.  But we don’t try to change their relationships, instead we help them change the way they think about their relationships.  And that’s precisely what I want to touch on in today’s post.
If you feel like your relationship is sinking, it’s a perfect time to get rid of some thoughts that may be weighing it down.
Here are nine such thoughts to stop thinking, for your relationship’s sake:
   1.  “My relationship with him/her will solve all MY problems.” The most powerful relationship you will ever have is the relationship with yourself.  If you’re not comfortable enough with your own inner truth when entering a relationship, then you’re not ready for that relationship.  Because you are incapable of loving another unless you love yourself, just as you are incapable of teaching someone else something unless you yourself understand it.
Learn to love yourself first, instead of loving the idea of someone else loving you.

2.  “We should be the center of each other’s universe.”

A good relationship happens when two people accept each other’s past, support each other’s present, and encourage each other’s future, without trying to micromanage any of part it.  So don’t rush relationships, especially those that feel overbearing.  Find a partner, and friends for that matter, who encourage you to grow, who won’t cling to you, who will let you go out into the world, and trust that you will come back.  And always pay them the same courtesy.  This is what true love and real friendship is all about, and it’s always worth waiting for.

3.  “Good relationships are always easygoing.”

Wrong…  Good relationships require work.  Good relationships require sacrifice and compromise.  True love in both dating relationships and marriages are not about being there when it’s convenient, these relationships are about being there when it’s not.  Even if you can’t seem to walk that mile in your partner’s shoes, you are still capable of walking beside them to be a supporter until the day they learn to smile again.  (Read The Friendship Factor.)

4.  “I need to do whatever it takes to be loved.”

Sometimes we try to show the world that we are flawless in hopes that we will be loved and accepted more.  But we can’t please the people we love by being someone other than who we are, and we shouldn’t try.  Loving someone should not mean losing YOU.  True love empowers you, it doesn’t erase you.
The beauty of us lies in our vulnerability, our sincerity, our complex emotions, and our authentic imperfections.  When we embrace who we are and decide to be authentic, instead of perfect, we open ourselves up to real relationships, real happiness, and real success.  Thus, happy couples accept each other just the way they are.  There is no need to put on a mask.  There is no need to pretend to be someone you’re not.  You are more than enough just by being YOU.

5.  “Forgiveness isn’t necessary.”

Whoever said revenge is sweet never tasted the sweetness of forgiveness.
Love is living your own life, but sharing it.  And this requires constant forgiveness.  It’s making a million mistakes and turning them into learning experiences.  Love is patience, optimism, and sometimes it’s a simple hug when there is nothing left to say.
But remember, forgiveness isn’t just for your current happy relationships.  You have to forgive your past failed relationships too.  Yes, that’s right, you have to forgive them.  You don’t have to like them, you don’t have to be friends with them, you don’t have to spend time with them ever again, but you have to forgive – to let go, to let it rest, to let bygones be bygones.  By not forgiving you are forcing yourself to carry bricks from your past relationship failures forward with you into all your present and future relationship interactions.  And by doing this, you inevitably build the same flawed relationship structures that fell apart before.

6.  “I don’t have time for them today.”

If you neglect your relationship, your relationship will neglect you too.  So realize that today will never come again.  Be a blessing.  Be a friend.  Be there for the one who matters most.  Make a difference.  Take time to care.  Tell your significant other how special they are.  Do something that encourages a smile and a brighter day.  By doing so, you will not only help them, you will help yourself too.  Because when you seek to inspire happiness in someone close to you, you will not only find it, you will become it.

7.  “They should change for me.”

The biggest mistake is believing there is only one right way to listen, to talk, to have a conversation, or to have a relationship.
The deepest craving of human nature is the need to be appreciated as is.  Sometimes we try to be sculptors, constantly carving out of others the image of what we want them to be – what we think we need, love, or desire.  But these actions and perceptions are against reality, against their benefit and ours, and always end in disappointment – because it does not fit them.  The beginning of love is to let those we care about be perfectly themselves, and not to distort them to fit our own image.  Otherwise we love only the reflection of ourselves that we see in them.

8.  “It’s just easier if I keep my feelings to myself right now.”

There is no day but today.  Say what you need to say.  Share your love openly and honestly with your other half, right now.
Realize that, no matter what, you’re going to lose important people in your life.  No matter how much time you spend with someone, or how much you appreciate them, sometimes it will never seem like you had enough time together.  So don’t learn this lesson the hard way.  Express your love.  Tell the one you love what you need to tell them.  Don’t shy away from important conversations because you feel awkward or uncomfortable.  You never know when you might lose your opportunity for good.  (Read The Last Lecture.)

9.  “All relationships can and should be fixed and maintained.”

It may sound harsh, but not every couple was meant to be a couple.  And that’s OK.  It’s always better to be alone with dignity than in a relationship that constantly requires you to sacrifice your happiness and self-respect.
Although not all relationships are meant to be, there are no failed relationships, because every person in your life has a lesson to teach.  Sometimes you simply outgrow people.  Sometimes you just have to accept it and move on.  Do what you can, but don’t kill yourself trying to fix the unfixable.
When someone leaves your life, it’s important to emotionally release them.  Know in your heart that it’s not an ending – it’s a new beginning.  It just means that their part in your story is over.  Your story will go on…
Think about it.  How many people don’t get the one they want, but end up with the one they’re supposed to be with?

Afterthoughts

Good relationships don’t just happen – they take time, patience and two people who truly want to work to be a part of something bigger than themselves.  Relationships like this are not just about sharing laughs when times are easy; they’re about the commitment to fight through and overcome all the hard times together too.  In the end, happy couples think clearly, collaborate willingly, and don’t let expectations and negativity get in the way of the bond they share.

Your turn…

In your experience, what are some common misunderstandings, or thinking traps, that hurt intimate relationships?  Please leave a comment below and share your thoughts with the community.
Photo by: Y-a-n

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20 Tiny Thoughts Crushing Your Biggest Dreams

post written by: Marc Chernoff

  

It is ultimately only our own thoughts that hurt us.

The mind is your battleground.  It’s the place where the greatest conflict resides.  It’s where half of the things you thought were going to happen, never did happen.  But if you allow those thoughts to dwell in your mind, they will succeed in robbing you of peace, joy, and ultimately your life.  You will think yourself into a nervous breakdown, into depression, and into defeat.  I know because I’ve been there.
What can be done?  To start, say this to yourself every morning when you first wake up:
“I’m letting go of all the negative feelings, fears and thoughts from yesterday.  I have no room for them!  I will focus only on positive thoughts and resolutions today.”
And then practice what you preach.  It will gradually make a difference in your life, guaranteed.
Because truthfully, there is so much about your fate that you can’t control, it makes no sense to neglect all the things you CAN control.  You can decide how you spend your time, whom you socialize with, whom you share your life, money and energy with.  You can pick your words and the tone of voice in which you speak to others.  You can select what you will eat, read and study every day.  You can choose how you’re going to respond to unfortunate situations when they arise, and whether you will see them as curses or opportunities for growth…
And most importantly, you can choose your thoughts, which dictate pretty much everything else.
Train your mind to see the good in everything.  Positivity is a choice.  The happiness of your life depends on the quality of your thoughts.
In other words, you are what you think.  You can’t change anything if you can’t change your thinking.
Here are twenty thoughts it’s time to change:

1. “My dreams and goals can wait.” – Live a life you are proud of.  In the end, your greatest fear should not be of failure, but of succeeding at things that don’t matter to you.  We never tell ourselves that we will never live our dreams.  Instead we just keep talking about how we will start living our dreams tomorrow.
2. “I don’t have time.” – Bottom line: “I don’t have time,” is really just another, perhaps politer, or perhaps naive, way of saying, “It’s not that important to me.”
3. “I’m not talented enough.” – Learn the value of work and practice – just the repeated concerted effort to get better at things.  Forget the notions of talent and genius.  I can hear you thinking, “Oh, these other people, they just have something that I don’t have.”  When really, they are just people who work and practice more.  Understand this.  Work and practice are the keys to anything you want to do.  If you want to play the guitar – anybody can learn to play the guitar – you can be good at it.  Maybe you won’t be Jimi Hendrix, but you could be really good.  You can be good enough to write good songs or make music with others or whatever.  There’s no such thing as not having enough talent to get to that level.  Because persistence is talent, really.  Just sticking with it.  Talent is not stopping.  (Read The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People.)
4.  “This problem is too big to solve.” – The problem is not the problem.  The problem is the incredible amount of over-thinking you’re doing with the problem.  Let it go and be free.
5. “I’m not ready yet.” – The truth is nobody ever feels ready when an opportunity arises.  Because great opportunities in life force us to grow emotionally and intellectually.  They force us to stretch ourselves and our comfort zones, which means we won’t feel comfortable at first.  And when we don’t feel comfortable, we don’t feel ready.  But that doesn’t change the fact that sometimes the course of our lives depends on what we do or don’t do in a few seconds, a heartbeat, when we either seize an opportunity, or just miss it.  Miss the moment and you may never get a chance again.  So in case you never get a second chance, don’t be afraid!  And what if you do get a second chance?  Take it!  It’s as simple as that.
6. “I knew I wasn’t good enough.” – Your struggle is part of your story.  Being rejected from something you want often means you are being directed toward something you need.
7. “I’m a failure.” – Not trying is failing.  Everything else is just practice.  It’s OK if you mess up, that’s how you get wiser.  Give yourself a break.  And don’t give up!  Good things take time, and you’re getting there, one step at a time.
8. “I just want everything to be easy.” – In every adversity there is a message.  Struggles and crises are nature’s way of forcing change – breaking down old structures, shaking loose negative habits so that something new and better can grow in their place.  So remember, just because you are struggling does NOT mean you are failing.  Every great success requires some kind of struggle to get there.  
9.  “They have it so much easier than me.” – No one has it easier than you.  Every one of us is fighting our own private battles.  The strongest among us aren’t those who show strength we can see, but those who have won incredible inner battles we know nothing about.
10. “I have nothing to be thankful for.” – Choose positivity today.  If you’re struggling to be thankful for what you have, think for a moment and be thankful for what you’ve escaped.  Honestly, it doesn’t really matter if your glass is half empty or half full.  Be thankful that you have a glass and that there’s something in it.
11. “I have too many flaws.” – Wrong.  When you’re comfortable in your skin, even your flaws look beautiful.  And once you’ve embraced your flaws, no one can use them against you.
12. “They don’t have what it takes either.” – We have enough critics.  Be an encourager.  One sincere word of encouragement after failure is worth more than a day of praise after success.  So start cheering for the people around you.  Not only will they feel empowered, but also what goes around comes around, and sooner or later the people you’re cheering for will start cheering for you too.
13. “I don’t have time for anyone else.” – One of the most spiritual things you can do is embrace your humanity.  Connect with those around you today.  Say, “I love you,” “I apologize,” “I appreciate you,” “I’m proud of you”… whatever you’re feeling.  Send random emails and texts, write a friendly note, embrace your truth and share it.  Create a smile today for someone else… and give plenty of hugs.  This connectedness will strengthen you.
14. “My closest relationships can wait.” – If you never stop to enjoy who’s beside you, someday you’ll realize you’ve wasted all your years looking for something, a sort of trophy you think you’ll get only if you really, really do enough to deserve it.  But then one day you’ll wake up and not want it anymore; you’ll want something else, something warm and sheltering, something you can turn to, regardless of what you do, regardless of who you have ultimately become.  Something that will just be there, always, like tomorrow’s morning sky.  And the only way to create this “something” is to nurture the amazing people in your life.
15. “I can break my promise just this once.” – Be committed.  Commitment means staying loyal and keeping your promises, long after the time and mood you made the promises in has left you.  Doing so is vital to relationships and long-term success in every imaginable walk of life.
16.  “One little lie couldn’t hurt.” – Lying is a vicious disease.  It spreads quickly.  And liars are the only people who expect acknowledgment for being honest.  Don’t be one of them.  Don’t lie.  Do the right thing, even if you are the only one who knows.
17. “They care about me, but they are just too busy to keep their promises.” – It may be hard to accept, but when you are important to another person, they will always find a way to make time for you – no excuses, no lies, and no broken promises.
18.  “I refuse to cry.” – We need never be ashamed of our tears.  Do not apologize or feel ashamed for crying.  Without this emotion, you are only a robot.  Crying is one of the highest devotional songs.  The ones who know crying, know what it means to be spiritual.  If you can cry with a pure heart – through forgiveness and acceptance – nothing else compares to such a prayer.  Crying includes all the core principles of humanity.  (Read Daring Greatly.)
19.  “I refuse to forgive.” – Forgive the past.  It’s over.  Learn from it and let go.  People and situations are constantly growing and changing.  Do not cling to a limited, disconnected, negative image of a person or time in the past.  See your life now.  Your relationships and circumstances are always alive and changing.
20.  “My heart has been broken too many times to take new risks.” – Sometimes it takes a heartbreak or a major letdown to shake us awake and help us see we are worth so much more than we are settling for.  Will letting go be hard?  Sure, but not nearly as hard as holding on to something that wasn’t real.  You have to put your heart out there.  Because the emotions that can break your heart are oftentimes the very ones that heal it and help it grow.

The floor is yours…

Truth be told, it is ultimately only our own thoughts that hurt us.
So think about it: What negative thoughts and destructive thinking patterns do you struggle with?
Leave a comment below and let us know.
Photo by: Lauren Rushing

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12 Rituals Happy, Successful People Practice Every Day

post written by: Marc Chernoff

“The only person you are destined to become is the person you decide to be.”
―Ralph Waldo Emerson

Every day Angel and I work with coaching clients who say all the right things and then do the exact opposite.  They hope to experience growth, but they resist change.  They want less stress, yet they indulge in drama.  They long for better relationships, and then they refuse to trust anyone.
In other words, what they say they want and what they do with their time are hopelessly disconnected.  And the two will never meet without intervention.
It’s important to note, though, that I get it.  I understand where they’re coming from.  I used to make the same mistakes.  Change is hard to deal with.  Needless drama can be addictive.  Relationships take a lot of work.  I’m sure you can relate.
In a nutshell, when it comes to working hard to achieve a substantial life goal of any kind – earning a degree, building a business, fostering a relationship, raising a family, becoming more mindful, or any other personal achievement that takes time and commitment – one thing you have to ask yourself is:
“Am I willing to spend a little time every day like many people won’t, so I can spend the better part of my life like many people can’t?”
Think about it.  We ultimately become what we repeatedly do.  The acquisition of knowledge doesn’t mean you’re growing – growing happens when what you know changes how you live.
And isn’t it funny how day by day nothing changes, but when you look back everything is different?  That’s the power of daily rituals.
Here are twelve daily rituals for long-term happiness and success:

1.  Exercise your integrity.

Living with integrity means:  Not settling for less than what you are capable of.  Communicating clearly and asking for what you want and need from people.  Speaking your truth, even when others judge you for it.  Behaving in ways that are in harmony with your morals and values.  Making choices based on what you believe, and not what others believe.  And, of course, always doing the right thing, even when it’s hard, and even when nobody’s going to know whether you did it or not.

2.  Steer clear of drama and those who create it.

There comes a time in life when you have to let go of all the needless drama and the people who create it.  Staying out of other people’s drama is an incredibly effective way to stress less and smile more.
A good rule of thumb: If you can’t say it to their face, you shouldn’t say it behind their back.  As Eleanor Roosevelt once said, “Great minds discuss ideas, average minds discuss events, and small minds discuss people.”  Life is much too short to waste time talking about people, gossiping, and stirring up drama that has no substance.  If you don’t know, ask.  If you don’t agree, say so.  If you don’t like it, speak up.  But never judge people behind their back.  (Read The Four Agreements.)

3.  Replace judgment with encouragement.

No one truly knows what they will do in a certain situation until they are actually in it.  Yes, it’s very easy to judge someone else’s actions by what you assume your own actions would be if you were in their shoes.  But you only know what you THINK you would do, not what you WOULD do.
The truth is, we tend to judge others by their actions and ourselves by our ideals.  So do your best to catch yourself when this happens.  Remember that when we judge or criticize another person, it says nothing about that person, and everything about our own need to be critical.
Bottom line:  We have enough critics in this world.  Be an encourager.  You’ll see why.

4.  Be positive and spend time with positive people.

Happiness is not the absence of problems, but the ability to deal with them.  Raise your awareness to your own inner strength and positivity.  You are in charge of how you react to the people and events in your life.  You can either give negativity power over your life, or you can choose to be positive instead by focusing on the great things that are truly important.  So talk about your blessings more than you talk about your problems.  Just because you’re struggling doesn’t mean you’re failing.  Every great success requires some kind of worthy struggle to get there.
In addition, do your best to spend more time with positive people and less time with negative ones.  People that deliberately doubt, judge and disrespect you are not worth your long-term time and attention.

5.  Make new choices as needed, rather than letting old ones make you.

You don’t get to choose if you get hurt in this world, but you do have some say in who and what hurts you.  After all, who we ultimately become depends, in part, on who and what we let into our lives.  So don’t just settle for relationships and situations that have proven to be unworthy.  Exercise your right to choose differently.
Be the hero of your life, not the victim.  You may not control all the circumstances that happen to you, but you can decide not to be continuously reduced by the same ones.

6.  Simplify whatever you can, whenever you can.

As E.F. Schumacher once said, “Any intelligent fool can make things bigger, more complex, and more violent.  It takes a touch of genius and a lot of courage to move in the opposite direction.”
Simplifying is not seeing how little you can get by with – that’s poverty – but how efficiently you can put first things first, and use your time accordingly to pursue the things that make a lasting difference in your life.  Less really is more.  Instead of adding, improve your life by subtracting.  Get rid of unnecessary clutter, negative influences and toxic relationships.  There is a big difference between what you want and what you need – between what’s excessive and what’s essential.

7.  Uphold your truth.

Too many of us prefer gentle lies to hard truths.  But make no mistake, in the end it’s better to be hurt by the truth than comforted by a lie.  Especially if this lie is tied to your identity in any way.  Because you can pretend for a while, but you can’t get away from yourself.  You can’t decide not to see and feel yourself anymore.  You can’t decide to turn off the noise in your head and be someone else entirely.
Don’t try to be what “they” like – be who you are.  The people worth spending time with are interested in others who are confident enough to be themselves.  And that works out well, because you won’t be happy being anyone else.  (Read The Gifts of Imperfection.)

8.  Express your love without reservations.

Love is a verb.  Act on it.  Today, be the reason someone feels incredibly loved and needed.  Give your love away like your life depends on it.
Many moons from now, people won’t remember what clothes you wore, the car you drove, and maybe not even your name.  But they will remember how you made them feel and the positive memories you gave them.  The true impact you make on people will depend on the time and attention you give to teaching those who know less, caring for those who have less, supporting those who are striving, and tolerating those who are different than you.  All of which represent the full expression of your love.

9.  Nurture your relationship with your significant other.

Intimate love is not just about finding the right person, but working with them to create the right relationship.  It’s not about how much love you have in the beginning, but how much love you build and nurture until the end.  A relationship should be healthy, caring, loving, kind, upbeat and positive.  It should make your smile a little wider and your life a little brighter in the long run.
A relationship like this sounds great, but it isn’t easy.  It takes time and attention, and two people who are willing to work together every day to build something special.

10.  Loosen your grip on what’s not meant to fit in to your life.

Things will happen that you will not always understand, but maybe you’re not supposed to understand everything.  Maybe you’re just supposed to have faith, accept it and let it happen.
So never force anything.  Give it your best shot, and then let it be.
Most negative circumstances are only a part of your life because you keep thinking about them.  Positive things happen in your life when you emotionally distance yourself from the negative things.  So stop holding on to what hurts, and make room for what feels right.  Don’t let what is out of your control interfere with all the things you can control.

11.  Embrace your humanness.

“Human” is the only real label we are born with.  Yet we forget so easily.
To become attached to an opinionated label of depressed, divorced, diseased, rejected, or poor, is to be like the rain, that doesn’t know it is also the clouds… or the ice, that forgets it is water.  For we are far more than the shape we’re currently in.  And we, like the wind, water, and sky, will change forms many times in our lives, while forever remaining beautifully human.

12.  Ask yourself the right questions.

Voltaire once said, “Judge a man by his questions rather than by his answers.”  This is such sound advice, because if you keep asking yourself the wrong questions, you will never get an answer you like.
What questions are you asking yourself?  Are they helping you better understand your purpose?  Or do they have your mind spinning in circles?
Truth be told, the questions you’re regularly exposed to act as guideposts that have a powerful influence on the direction of your life.  And, not surprisingly, the questions you hear most often come directly from YOU.  So instead of looking outside yourself for answers, start asking yourself the right questions.  For instance…

• “Who am I?”
• “What do I need?”
• “How do I function best?”
• “What do I have to give?”
• “What’s the next step I can take right now?”

It’s all about self-inquiries that help you stay true to your principles, pursue your desires, grow through adversity, and add value to the world around you. 

Your turn…

What would you add to the list?  What’s one daily ritual that has helped you find more happiness and success in life?  Leave us a comment below and let us know.
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6 Strong Signs it’s Time to Let Go

 post written by: Angel Chernoff

You will never achieve what you are capable of if you are
too attached to the things you’re supposed to let go of.

Many people believe holding on and hanging in there, infinitely, are signs of incredible strength.  But there are times when it takes much more strength to know when to let go, and then to actually do it.

1.  Someone constantly expects you to be someone you’re not.

A great relationship is about two things: First, appreciating the similarities, and second, respecting the differences.  So be cordial, but don’t completely change who you are for someone else simply because it’s what THEY want, or because it’s what THEY think is best for you.
If someone expects you to be someone you’re not, take a step back.  It’s wiser to lose relationships over being who you are, than to keep them intact by pretending to be someone else.  It’s easier to nurse a little heartache and meet someone new, than it is to piece together your own shattered identity.  It’s easier to fill an empty space in your life where somebody else used to be, than it is to fill the empty space within yourself where YOU used to be.

2.  A person’s actions don’t match their words.

Be wary of people who only tell you what you want to hear.  It’s so easy to believe someone when they’re telling you exactly what you want to hear, but you have to watch what they do too.  Actions speak louder than words – actions speak the whole truth.
Honestly, everybody deserves somebody who helps them look forward to tomorrow.  If someone has the opposite effect on you, because they are consistently inconsistent, and their actions never match up with their words, it might be time to let them go.  It’s always better to be alone than to be in bad company.  In the end, true friendship is a promise made in the heart – silent, unwritten, unbreakable by distance, and unchangeable by time.  So don’t just listen to what your “friends” say; watch what they do over the long-term.  Your true friends will slowly reveal themselves.

3.  You have a habit of moping and feeling sorry for yourself.

If you don’t like something, change it.  If you can’t change it, change the way you think about it.  Being hurt is something you can’t stop from happening, but being miserable is always your choice.  No matter how bad things are, you can always make things worse.  Negative thinking creates negative results.  Positive thinking creates positive results.  Period.  The only limits to the possibilities in your life tomorrow are the “buts” you use today.  Things always turn out best for people who make the best out of the way things turn out.
Eventually you will realize that happiness is not the absence of problems, but simply the ability to deal well with them.  Imagine all the wondrous things your mind might embrace if it weren’t wrapped so tightly around your struggles.  Always look at what you have, instead of what you have lost.  Because it’s not what the world takes away from you that counts; it’s what you do with what you have left.

4.  You’re clutching tight to an easy-street mentality.

Great accomplishments aren’t easy; they’re worth it!  So forget how you feel and remember what you deserve.  Right NOW is always the best time to break out of your shell.  Chances must be taken, mistakes must be made, and lessons must be learned.
Someday you will look back on your life and realize that everything worthwhile you’ve ever accomplished initially challenged you.  And that is as it should be, because big challenges often prepare ordinary people for extraordinary success.  Every struggle arises for a reason – either for experience or as a lesson.  A great journey is never easy, and no dose of adversity along the way is ever a waste of time if you learn and grow from it.
Remember, an arrow can only be shot by pulling it backwards, and such is life.  When life is pulling you back with difficulties, it means it’s going to eventually launch you forward in a positive direction.  So keep focusing, and keep aiming!

5.  You truly dislike your current situation.

In life, it’s always better to be at the bottom of the ladder you want to climb, rather than the top of the one you don’t.  So don’t let people who gave up on their goals talk you out of going after yours.  The best thing you can do in most situations is to follow your intuition.  Take risks.  Don’t just make the safe and easy choices because you’re afraid of what might happen.  If you do, nothing good will ever happen.
In addition, realize that it’s not always about trying to fix something that’s broken either.  Sometimes it’s about starting over and creating something brand new.  Sometimes you need to distance yourself to see things clearly.  Sometimes growing stronger means growing apart from old habits, relationships, and circumstances, and finding something different that truly moves you – something that gets you so excited you can’t wait to get out of bed in the morning.  That’s what LIVING is all about.  Don’t just settle for the default settings in life, when you can customize absolutely everything.  (Read The 4-Hour Workweek.)

6.  You catch yourself obsessing over, and living in, the past.

Holding on to what’s no longer there holds too many of us back.  Some of us spend the vast majority of our lives recounting the past and letting it steer the course of the present.  Don’t waste your time trying to live in another time and place.  Let it GO!  You must accept the end of something in order to build something new.  So close some old doors today.  Not because of pride, inability or egotism, but simply because you’ve entered each one of them in the past and realize that they lead to nowhere.
Even after the toughest times, eventually you will overcome the heartache, and forget the reasons you cried, and who caused the pain.  You will realize that the secret to happiness and freedom is not about control or revenge, but in letting things unfold naturally, and learning from your experiences over the course of time.  After all, what matters most is not the first, but the final chapter of your life, which unveils the details of how well you wrote your story.  So let go of the past, set yourself free, and open your mind to the possibility of a new beginning.

Your turn…

If you feel like you need to let something go, but you simply haven’t been able to do so, know that you’re not alone.  Accepting what is, letting go, and moving on are skills that all of us must learn when facing the realities of life, but these are also skills that take time to master.  And today we challenge you to put in a little time…
Sit quietly with yourself, and ask, “What’s the #1 thing I need to let go of right now?”  Once you have it figured out, leave us a comment below and let us know what you’re going to start letting go of.
Photo by: Lotus Carroll


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20 Questions that Will Free Your Mind from Negativity

post written by: Marc Chernoff

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In the long run, the simple questions you ask yourself on a regular basis will determine the type of person you become.

“Today, I miss who I was.  I miss the girl who had something to be proud of.  I miss the girl who was genuinely happy in her own skin.  I miss the girl who was innocent and free and thought for herself.  I miss the girl who would look in the mirror and not see every flaw.  I miss the girl who didn’t let the negative words of others bother her.  I’ve transformed myself to make everyone else like me.  But now I don’t like me.  I really miss who I was.”
That’s the opening paragraph to a long, heartfelt email I received last night from a reader named Lori.  Her email goes on to, inadvertently, describe nearly a dozen self-defeating questions she asks herself on a regular basis – questions I know for a fact she doesn’t even mean to be asking.
Negativity often breeds not from the answers we receive from this world, but from the questions we ask ourselves every day.  Like Lori, if you ask negative questions, you will get negative answers.  There are no positive answers to:

• “Why me?”
• “Why didn’t I?”
• “What if I’m not good enough?”
• etc.

Think about it.  Would you allow someone else to ask you the demoralizing questions you sometimes ask yourself?  I doubt it.  So stop and swap them for questions that push you in a positive direction.  Here are some ideas to get you started…

1. What could you be grateful for and positive about right now, if you really wanted to? – Your greatest weapon against stress and negativity is your ability to choose one thought over another.  Happiness escapes from those who refuse to see the good in what they have.  When life gives you every reason to be negative, think positive.
2. What’s one problem you’re thankful you don’t have? – Smile right now; not because life has been easy, perfect, or exactly as you had anticipated, but because you choose to be happy and grateful for all the good things you do have, and all the problems you know you don’t have.
3. What are you holding on to that you need to let go of? – Oftentimes holding on actually makes us weaker, and letting go builds our strength.  Does that thing you were extremely upset about six months ago, or last year, really matter now?  I bet it doesn’t.  And if you’re still thinking about it, it’s not serving your best interests.  (Read The Untethered Soul.)
4. Who, or what, needs your forgiveness? – Forgiveness doesn’t always lead to healed relationships and situations.  Some relationships and situations aren’t meant to be.  Forgive anyway, and let what’s meant to be, BE.  Go ahead and set yourself free.  When you hold resentment toward another, you are bound to that person or condition by an emotional link that is stronger than steel.  Forgiveness is the only way to dissolve that link and break free.
5. What’s the right thing to do? – Just because you can, doesn’t mean you should.  Just because it’s easy, doesn’t mean it’s worth your while.  Do what’s right, not what’s easy.  It’s a far less stressful way to live.
6. What’s something nice you can do for someone else right now? – Do all the good you can, to as many people as you can, as often as you can.  No act of love and kindness, no matter how small, is ever wasted.  Good vibes always come back around.
7. What compliments have you received lately? – Remember, butterflies don’t know the color of their wings, but the human eyes know how beautiful they are.  Likewise, in the haste of your busy days, you likely don’t notice just how great you are, but others nearby still see that you are incredible.  When someone says something nice about you, it’s worth remembering.
8. What do you know you’re great at? – Although it’s nice to hear people compliment you, it’s not essential to your self-worth.  And if no one offers to give you a compliment, give yourself one.  You are GOOD enough, SMART enough and STRONG enough.  You don’t need other people to validate you every minute; you are VALUABLE!  Notice your strengths, focus on them, and celebrate them.
9. What would you do differently if you knew nobody would judge you? – Truth be told, you can’t please everyone and you shouldn’t try.  Care less about what the haters say about you and smile more about what you know is true.  Live your life and be happy with yourself, without their negative judgments.  Practice listening to compliments and constructive criticism, and ignoring insults and negativity.  It’s far from easy, but it’s worth working on.
10. What activities help you feel most like yourself? – In other words, figure out what motivates you to grow into your most authentic self.  And remember that you can’t grow unless you’re willing to change.  But as you grow you’ll notice you don’t change much… you just become more of who YOU are.
11. What gets you excited about life? – Think… If you truly wanted to be excited right now, what could you get excited about?  Find it and focus on it more often.  When you truly believe in what you’re doing, it shows and it pays.  Success in life is for those who are excited about where they’re going. 
12. What excuses do you need to stop making? – As George Washington once said, “It is better to offer no excuse than a bad one.”  Nothing could be closer to the truth.  If you are good at making excuses, you will never be good at anything else.  No matter what the obstacles are that you see in front of you, the only thing truly standing between you and what you want is the excuse you keep telling yourself as to why you can’t achieve it.
13. If you learn from your mistakes, why are you always so afraid to make a mistake? – If you want to do it right, make lots of mistakes and accept a great deal of discomfort along the way.  It might sound crazy, but it’s worth your while.  In life, mistakes make you smarter and discomfort makes you stronger.  Both are necessary growing pains.
14. When was the unexpected better than what you expected? – When something goes wrong in your life, just yell, “Plot twist!” and then do your best to adapt.  You won’t always get where you intended to go in life, but you will eventually arrive precisely where you need to be.
15. What do you now know better for next time? – Don’t let your fear of past events affect the outcome of your future.  Live for what today has to offer, not what yesterday has taken away.  There will always be obstacles, but we are confined most often by the walls we build ourselves.  What we see depends on how we look at it.  Forget what you’ve lost and focus on what you’ve learned.
16. What’s the next best step forward from here? – Every unwelcomed event, person or situation is really just a doorway into the next YOU.  A stronger, wiser YOU.  (Read Change Your Thoughts.)
17. What’s priceless about this moment? – Step forward, but don’t rush.  Don’t completely waste the season of life you are in now, simply because you want the next one to begin.  There is always beauty waiting to be realized.  Notice the goodness happening around you right now, even if you have to look a little harder than usual.
18. When was the last time you noticed the sound of your own breathing? – Relax.  You are enough.  You have enough.  You do enough.  Breathe extra deep, let go and just live right now in the moment.
19. Who do you need to spend less time with? – There are over seven billion people in the world right now; don’t let a handful of negative ones ruin your happiness.  No, you can’t choose every person you meet in life, but you can choose who you spend your time with.  So be thankful for the people who walk into your life and make it better, but also be thankful for the freedom to walk away from the ones who don’t.
20. How have insignificant past rejections messed with your self-confidence? – Don’t let old rejections take up permanent residence in your head.  Kick them out on the street.  Realize that sometimes you have to try to do what you think you can’t do, so you realize that you actually CAN.  And sometimes it takes more than one attempt.  If ‘Plan A’ doesn’t work out, don’t fret; the alphabet has another 25 letters that would be happy to give you a chance to get it right.  The wrong choices usually bring us to the right places, eventually.  You just have to believe in your own potential to get there.

Afterthoughts

Life is filled with unanswered questions, but it is the courage to ask enough of the right ones that ultimately leads you to an understanding of yourself and your purpose.
You can spend your life wallowing in fear by avoiding the obvious, or asking negative questions like, “Why me?”  Or you can be grateful that you’ve made it this far – that you are strong enough to breathe, walk and think for yourself – and then ask, “Where do I want to go next?”

Your turn…

What did I miss?  What encouraging questions do you need to start asking yourself?  Leave us a comment below and let us know.
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18 Reasons to Give Up Trying to Live Up to Everyone’s Expectations

post written by: Marc Chernoff

Your needs matter too.  Don’t ignore them.  Sometimes you have to do what’s best for you and your life, not what’s best for everyone else.

A life spent ceaselessly trying to please people who are perhaps incapable of ever being pleased, or trying too hard to always be seen as doing “what’s expected of you,” is a sure road to a regretful existence.  Angel and I were on this road once, but I’m happy to say we’re paving our own path now based on our own needs, morals and values.  And today I hope to inspire you to do the same…
Do more than just exist.  We all exist.  The question is: Do you live?
Angel and I eventually realized existing without ever truly living was not what we wanted for ourselves.  So we made changes – we gradually embraced all the points discussed in this article and never looked back.  If you are in the same place we once were – seeking approval from everyone for every little thing you do – please take this post to heart and start making changes today.  Life is too short not to.

1. First and foremost, you are not obligated to live up to everyone’s expectations. – Life is under no obligation to give us what we expect.  And you are under no obligation to give others what they expect.  Period.  Do things because you care.  Do things because you know it’s right.  Don’t just do things because everyone else expects you to.
2. Expectations just get in the way of great life experiences. – Don’t let expectations (especially other people’s expectations) get in your way.  Truth be told, the unexpected is often better than the expected.  Our entire lives can be described in one sentence: It didn’t go as planned, and that’s OK.
3. You don’t need others to hold your hand every step of the way. – Be willing to go alone sometimes.  You don’t need permission to grow.  Not everyone who started with you will finish with you.  And that’s OK.  (Read The Road Less Traveled.)
4. You get to learn from your mistakes without unnecessary third-party pressure. – You’re going to mess up sometimes.  But the good news is, as long as you’re listening to your intuition, you get to decide how you’re going to mess up.  Which means you get to decide how you’re going to live and what you’re going to learn along the way.
5. No one knows you better than you know yourself. – How you seem to others and how you actually are, rarely match.  Even if they get the basic gist of who you are, they’re still missing a big piece of the puzzle.  What other people think of you will rarely contain the whole truth, which is fine.  So if someone forms an opinion of you based on superficialities, then it’s up to them, not you, to reform those opinions.  Leave it to them to worry about.  You know who you are and what’s best for you.
6. Only YOU can define what’s possible for you and your life. – Some people will kill you over time if you let them; and how they’ll kill you is with tiny, harmless phrases like, “Be realistic.”  When this happens, close your ears and listen to your inner voice instead.  Remember that real success in life isn’t what others see, but how you feel.  It’s living your truth and doing what makes you feel alive.
7. In the end, happiness is simply living your life your own way. – There comes a time when your back is up against the wall and you realize all you can do is say, “Screw it, I’m doing things my way!”  That’s the earth-shattering moment you stop planning for someone else’s expectations, and start making progress on what’s truly important to YOU.  That’s when you begin to live life according to your own morals and values.  That’s when you can finally be at your happiest.
8. You can best serve yourself and others by giving yourself what YOU need. – Don’t ask yourself what the world needs, ask yourself what makes you come alive, and pursue it at all costs.  That’s what this world needs – people like YOU who come alive.  Which means your needs matter; so don’t ignore them.  Sometimes you have to do what’s best for you and your life, not just what seems best on the surface for everyone else.
9. Rather than being confined by opinions, you get to create your own reality. – If J.K. Rowling stopped after being rejected by multiple publishers for years, there would be no Harry Potter.  If Howard Schultz gave up after being turned down by banks 200+ times, there would be no Starbucks.  If Walt Disney quit too soon after his theme park concept was trashed by 300+ investors, there would be no Disney World.  One thing is for sure: If you give too much power to the opinions of others, you will become their prisoner.  So never let someone’s opinion define your reality.  (Read Daring Greatly.)
10. You allow yourself the freedom to speak your truth. – Yes, speak your truth even if your voice shakes.  Be cordial and reasonable, of course, but don’t tread carefully on every word you say.  Push your concerns of what others might think aside.  Let the consequences of doing so unravel naturally.  What you’ll find is that most of the time no one will be offended or irritated at all.  And if they do get upset, it’s likely only because you’ve started behaving in a way that makes them feel they have less power over you.  Think about it.  Why lie?
11. The wrong people won’t be able to tamper with your standards. – Remember, failed relationships aren’t designed to encourage you to lower your standards, but to raise them and keep them up.  So while you’re out there making decisions instead of excuses, learning new things, and getting closer and closer to your goals, know that there are others out there, like me, who admire your efforts and are striving for greatness too.   Bottom line: Don’t let the wrong people bring you down.
12. The haters will have less of an effect on you. – Don’t worry about the haters, ever.  Don’t let them get to you.  They’re just upset because the truth you know contradicts the lies they live.  Period.
13. Your individuality can be openly celebrated and enjoyed. - Constantly seeking approval means you’re perpetually worried that others are forming negative judgments of you.  This steals the fun, ingenuity, and spontaneity from your life.  Flip the switch on this habit.  If you’re lucky enough to have something that makes you different from everybody else, don’t be ashamed and don’t change.  Uniqueness is priceless.  In this crazy world that’s trying to make you like everyone else, find the courage to keep being your remarkable self.  It takes a lot of courage to stand alone, but it’s worth it.  Being unapologetically YOU is worth it!
14. There will be less drama to deal with. – Forgo the drama.  Ignore the negativity around you.  Just be sincere and kind, and promote what you love instead of bashing what you hate.
15. You will have more time to socialize with the right people. – When you’re feeling insecure, you typically don’t notice the hundreds of people around you who accept you just the way you are.  All you notice are the few who don’t.  Don’t ever forget your worth.  Spend time with those who value you.  No matter how good you are to people, there will always be negative minds out there who criticize you.  Smile, ignore them, and carry on.  You might feel unwanted and unworthy to one person, but you are priceless to another.
16. Great relationships are not governed by one-sided expectations. – When it comes to your relationships, don’t keep everything you need to say to yourself.  Let it out.  Express your point of view.  Communication is not just an important part of a relationship, communication is the relationship.  Communicate even when it’s uncomfortable and uneasy.  One of the best ways to heal and grow a relationship is simply getting everything on the inside out in the open.  Compromise.  That’s how good people make great things happen together.
17. You get to be YOUR best, without competing with everyone else. – When you are happy to simply do your best and not compare or compete, everyone worth your while will respect you.  Here’s some healthy food for thought:  Always… Be strong, but not rude.  Be kind, but not weak.  Be humble, but not timid.  Be proud, but not arrogant.  Be bold, but not a bully.
18. You are not obligated to anyone more so than you are to yourself. – Your relationship with yourself is the closest and most important relationship you will ever have.  So don’t forget about YOU out there, and don’t be too hard on yourself either.  There are plenty of others willing to do both for you.  And remember, if you don’t take good care of yourself, then you can’t take good care of others either; which is why taking care of yourself is the best selfish thing you can do.

The floor is yours…

What’s the best reason you can think of to give up trying to live up to everyone else’s expectations?  Leave a comment below and share your thoughts.
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9 Things You Should NOT Have to Give Up to Be Happy

post written by: Marc Chernoff

“All happiness depends on courage and work.”
―Honoré de Balzac

“This morning my best friend, Karl, confided in me that he’s having trouble playing a depressed character in our school’s end of the semester play.  ‘Call me one of the lucky ones,’ he said.  ‘But I just have no emotional tie to the role, and I know it’s hurting the quality of the character I’m trying to portray.’  The kicker, Karl is one of the kids, just like me, who constantly gets picked on by the popular jocks at our school.  We’re always being called names, but Karl never lets it bother him.  He loves who he is, and he’s happy.”
Those are the opening lines to an email I received this morning from a reader named Darin.  The remainder of Darin’s email discusses his personal struggle with finding happiness.  “I feel like I’ve given up too much in the pursuit of happiness,” he says.  “And it’s only recently that Karl has helped me come to grips with the fact that there are some things I should NOT have to give up to be happy – like giving up my time and energy worrying about the hollow words of teenage bullies.”
Darrin’s words hit home with me, not only because I once let a high school bully get the best of me, but because I know all of us, in all walks of life, have taken a wrong turn in the pursuit of happiness a time or two.  And all of us could use a bit more of Karl’s innate self-confidence and poise.
So my hope is that this post helps serve as a reminder:  Although sacrifices must be made, you should not have to give up…

1.  Your God-given truth.

There will always be people who refuse to respect you – the way you look, the way you talk, the things you say, the styles you enjoy, your beliefs, your interests, your loves, etc.  In other words, they won’t support you in being true to yourself.  The good news is, it’s up to you if you want to let them mess with your character, or if you would rather stand up for yourself and accept yourself just the way you are.  I beg you to choose the latter.
Do your best to be as good as you can be, and if that’s not enough for someone, it surely will be for someone else.  You are not here to please everyone, and you are certainly not here to please them at the expense of your own truth.  So care less about what they say and smile more about what you know is true.  Live your life and be happy with yourself, without their judgments.

2.  Responsibility for your own life.

Sigmund Freud once said, “Most people do not really want freedom, because freedom involves responsibility, and most people are frightened of responsibility.”  Don’t let this be you.  When you blame others for what you’re going through, you deny responsibility – you surrender power over that part of your life.
Make no mistake, in the end, the price of happiness IS responsibility.  As soon as you stop making everyone and everything else responsible for your happiness, the happier you’ll be.  If you’re unhappy now, it’s not someone else’s fault.
Ultimately, your happiness depends on your self-reliance – your unshakable willingness to take responsibility for your life from this moment forward, regardless of who had a hand in making it the way it is now.  It’s about taking control of your present circumstances, finding your true self by thinking for yourself, and making a firm choice to live YOUR way.  It’s about being the hero of your life, not the victim.  (Read A New Earth.)

3.  Love that comes naturally to you.

When you love openly and honestly, you always strive to become better than you are.  When you strive to become better than you are, everything around you becomes better too.  There is never a perfect time or place for love like this either.  It happens naturally and accidentally, in a heartbeat, in a single flashing, fluttering instant in time.
As Robert Frost once said, “We love the things we love for what they are.”  And this is precisely what gives life it’s magic.  Where there is true love, there is true life.
Don’t let anything stop you from loving.  Don’t let anything stop you from living.

4.  Your curiosity.

Joy comes easy to us in our youth because we haven’t become set too firmly in our ways.  Our willingness to curiously assess new situations and varying perspectives allows us to experience flashes of insight and beauty wherever we go.  Those of us who fight the draw of our comfort zones as we age, who sustain our curiosity into our later years, learn a lot more and experience far more happiness in the long run.
Curiosity, after all, is the foundation of lifelong growth.  It allows us to retain a beginner’s mind even as our wisdom expands.  In this way, an enduring curiosity permits our hearts and minds to grow younger, not older every day.
So always remain curious and teachable.  Keep an open mind and do not stop questioning and learning.  Look forward, open new doors and experience new things.  Do so because you’re curious, and because you know that today’s journey is always just beginning.

5.  Your ability to make progress.

Happiness isn’t possession.  It’s progress.  It’s seeing your efforts create outcomes.
So don’t let the fantasy of an easy life imprison you.  Short-term discomfort and failure are two of the surest stepping-stones to long-term happiness and success.  Find the strength to keep going, even when the going gets tough.  Good things don’t come to those who wait.  Good things come to those who are patient… while working hard for what they want most in life.
Remember, every day you may make progress – every step may be rewarding – and yet there will stretch out before you an ever-lengthening, ever-ascending, ever-improving path.  You know you will never get to a place where there is nothing left to experience and learn.  But this, in a surprising way, only adds to the joy and glory of your journey.

6.  Meaningful dreams and goals.

If you’re bored with life – if you don’t get up every morning with a burning desire to do things – you haven’t set the right goals, and you aren’t doing enough with your dreams.  You’re on the wrong path to happiness.
Every morning you have the same two choices:

1. Continue to sleep with your dreams.
2. Wake up and do something that brings them to reality.

When a dream matters enough to a person, that person will find a way to achieve what at first seemed impossible.  You know this is true.  You know what you need to do.  Do it.  Go confidently in the direction of your dreams.  Put in the effort and live the life you’ve imagined.  The only thing that can truly stop you, is YOU.

7.  Your patience.

Patience does not mean waiting and doing nothing.  Patience involves productive activity.  It means doing your very best with the resources available to you, while understanding that the results you seek are worth the required time and effort, and not available elsewhere for any less time and effort.
In other words, patience is the ability to keep a good attitude while working hard on the activities and goals that bring you happiness.
Ultimately, the two hardest tests on the road to personal growth are the patience to wait for what you want and the courage not to be disappointed when it doesn’t arrive as soon as you had expected.  Patience can be bitter, but the seeds you plant now will bear sweet fruit.  And these fruits are worth waiting for.  There’s no point in hurrying through life and never tasting their sweetness.  (Read Buddha’s Brain.)

8.  All your present contentment.

Sometimes we avoid experiencing exactly where we are because we have developed a belief, based on past experiences, that it is not where we should be or want to be.  But the truth is, where you are now is exactly where you need to be to get to where you want to go tomorrow.  So appreciate where you are.
Happiness is a mindset that can only be designed into the present.  It’s not a point in the future or a moment from the past; yet sadly, this misconception hurts the masses.  So many young people seem to think all their happiness awaits them in the years ahead, while so many older people believe their best moments are behind them.
Don’t let the past, or the future, steal your present contentment.  Stop over-thinking and worrying about every other time and place, every waking minute.  Worry and rumination are the worst enemies to living happily in the present.  Do what you need to do now, and value the process of doing so.  Pay attention.  Experience it.  Life is too short for anything less.

9.  Good times shared with good friends.

Although happiness is a journey that requires effort and progress, it must also be shared.  If you attempt to do it all alone, you will not succeed as a human being.  Your heart will wither if it does not occasionally answer another heart.  Your mind will shrink away if it hears only the echoes of your own thoughts, and finds no other inspiration or relevant conversation.
Any bit of happiness unshared can scarcely be called happiness in the long run; it lacks substance and taste.  So whatever it is that makes you happy, do it and share it.  Don’t hide it and hoard it.

Your turn…

What did I miss?  What should we never have to give up in life?  Where do we sometimes take a wrong turn in the pursuit of happiness?  Leave a comment below and share your thoughts.

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