10 Gifts You Deserve to Give Yourself

post written by: Marc Chernoff

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“You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough.”
―Mae West

This morning a close friend of the family passed away far too early.  While I’ve spent most of the day grieving, I’ve spent the last couple hours thinking about the fact that our lives are sometimes much shorter than we expect them to be, and that each moment is a miracle – perhaps an obvious thought that simply sinks in a bit more on a day like today.
As I sit here, one question keeps dancing around my mind:  What can you do with your moments to maximize their value?
An answer that immediately comes to mind:  Use them to give yourself priceless gifts nobody else can give you…

1.  An open mind in full acceptance of life’s changes.

You’re not the same person you were a year ago, a month ago, or a week ago.  You’re always growing.  Experiences don’t stop.  That’s life.
Sometimes there are things in our lives that aren’t meant to stay.  Sometimes the changes we don’t want are the changes we need to grow.  Growth and change may be painful sometimes, but nothing in life is as painful as staying stuck where you don’t belong.  The bottom line is that you can’t reach for anything new if you’re holding onto yesterday.  You may think holding on makes you strong, but often it is letting go and starting anew in the present.

2.  A meaningful path and purpose.

If your life is going to mean anything, you have to live it yourself.  You have to choose the path that feels right to YOU, not the one that looks right to everyone else.  It’s always better to be at the bottom of the ladder you want to climb, than the top of the one you don’t.  So don’t wait until you’re halfway up the wrong ladder to listen to your intuition.  Every morning, ask yourself what is really important, and then find the courage, wisdom and willpower to build your day around your answer.
In the end, it’s not what you say, but how you spend your time that counts.  If you want to do something, you’ll find a way; if you don’t, you’ll find an excuse. 

3.  The time to do what truly matters.

Identify what’s most important to you.  Prune nonessential commitments.  Eliminate as much as you possibly can of everything else.  No wasted time, no fluff, no regrets.
The mark of a successful person is the ability to set aside the “somewhat important” things in order to accomplish the vital ones first.  When you’re crystal clear about your priorities, you can painlessly arrange them in the right order and discard the activities and commitments that do not support the ones at the top of your list.

4.  The space to BE, without needless worry.

If you think and you think and you think, you will think yourself right out of happiness a thousand times over, and never once into it.  Worrying doesn’t take away tomorrow’s troubles, it takes away today’s peace and potential.  Stop over-thinking everything.  Life is too short.
Your biggest limitations are the ones you make up in your mind.  The biggest causes of your unhappiness are the false beliefs you refuse to let go of.  You are capable of far more than you are presently thinking, imagining, doing or being.  You will, however, become what you habitually contemplate, so clear your mind and let your hopes, not your fears, shape your future.  How?  Meditate.  Run.  Set your mind free.

5.  Permission to be imperfect as you grow.

You may not be where you want to be yet, but if you think about it, you’re no longer where you once were either.  You have good reason to believe that you can trust yourself going forward.  Not because you’ve always made the right choices, but because you survived the bad ones, and taken small steps in the right direction.
Focus on the right things and just do the best you can.  Don’t allow yourself to be crippled by stress and self-loathing.  Everything is only as it is.  There’s no reason to let it destroy you.  Breathe.  Let every moment be what it’s going to be.  What’s meant to be will come your way, what’s not will fall away.  And remember that a great gift may not always be wrapped as you expect.  (Read The Last Lecture.)

6.  Reassurance of being ENOUGH.

Tell yourself, “I am ENOUGH.”  Accept your flaws.  Admit your mistakes.  Don’t hide and don’t lie.  Deal with the truth, learn the lessons, endure the consequences of reality, and move on.  Your truth won’t penalize you.  The mistakes won’t hurt you. The denial and cover-up will.  Flawed and vulnerable people are beautiful and likable.  Liars and phonies are not.  Every beautiful human being is made entirely of flaws, stitched together with good intentions and finished with unique edges.
You are YOU for a reason.  Ignore the distractions.  Listen to your own inner voice.  Mind your own business.  Keep your best wishes and your biggest goals close to your heart and dedicate time to them every day.  Don’t be scared to walk alone, and don’t be scared to enjoy it.  Don’t let anyone’s ignorance, drama, or negativity derail you from your truth.

7.  The right relationships.

Not everyone will appreciate what you do for them.  You have to figure out who’s worth your attention and who’s just taking advantage of you.  If your time and energy is misspent on the wrong relationships, or on too many activities that force you to neglect your good relationships, you can end up in a tedious cycle of fleeting friendships, superficial romances that are as thrilling as they are meaningless, and a general sense of wondering why you always seem to be running in place, chasing affection.
Choose yourself rather than settle for those who treat you as ordinary.  YOU certainly aren’t.  Never settle for being someone’s “option” when you have the potential to be someone’s “first choice.”  You are the sum of the people you spend the most time with.  If you hang with the wrong people, they will bring you down, but if you hang with the right people, they will help you grow into your best self.  The RIGHT people for you will love all the things about you that the WRONG people are intimidated by – that’s what you need to look out for.

8.  Self-education.

As Mahatma Gandhi once said, “Live as if you were to die tomorrow.  Learn as if you were to live forever.”  Life is a book and those who do not educate themselves read only a few pages.  When you know better you live better.  Period.
All education is self-education.  It doesn’t matter if you’re sitting in a college classroom or a coffee shop.  We don’t learn anything we don’t want to learn.  Those who take the time and initiative to pursue knowledge on their own time are the only ones who earn a real education in this world.  Take a look at any widely acclaimed scholar, entrepreneur or historical figure you can think of.  Formal education or not, you’ll find that he or she is a product of continuous self-education.

9.  A chance to touch your dreams.

Everyone dreams, but not equally.  Too many people dream only at night in the quiet of their own minds, and then awake to find it was all an illusion.  Don’t be one of them.  Dream by the day instead.  Be one of the people who dream with their eyes wide open, and who works to make them come true.
Rest when you are tired, but don’t give up.  You never know what’s just around the corner.  It could be everything you’ve been working for, or it might be just another mile marker on your journey.  Either way, when you keep putting one foot in front of the other, one day the next step you take will be the one that carries you to your goal.  (Read Tuesdays with Morrie.)

10.  The freedom to express your whole truth.

The greatest and most gratifying experiences in life cannot be seen or touched.  They must be felt with the heart from the inside out.  There’s nothing more inspiring than the complexity and beauty of human, heartfelt feelings.  Sadly though, many people let the fear of judgment numb and silence them.  Their deepest thoughts and feelings often go unspoken, and thus barely understood.
Do NOT let people invalidate or minimize how you feel.  If you feel something, you feel it and it’s real to you. Nothing anyone says has the power to invalidate that, ever.  No one else lives in your body, or sees life through your eyes.  No one else has lived through your exact experiences.  And so, no one else has the right to dictate or judge how you feel.  Your feelings are important.  Don’t let anyone lead you to believe otherwise.

Your turn…

Which of the points above are you struggling with?  What gifts do YOU need to start giving yourself?  Leave a comment below and share your thoughts with us.
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12 Easy Ways to Make Life Simple Again

post written by: Angel Chernoff

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Life is not complicated.  We are complicated.  When we stop doing the wrong things and start doing the right things, life is simple.

Would you like to uncomplicate your life?  I bet you would!

For the cynics who might say that the list of ideas below is too long to be ‘simple,’ there are really only two steps to simplifying:

1. Identify what’s most important to you.
2. Eliminate as much as you possibly can of everything else.

Of course, that advice is not terribly useful unless you understand how to apply this concept to different areas of your life; so I present to you the points below as well.  And since there can be no ‘one size fits all,’ step-by-step guide to simplifying your life, I’ve compiled an incomplete list of ideas that should help you move in the right direction.  Not every tip will fit your lifestyle, so just choose a few that do and apply them accordingly.

3.  Learn to let GO of what wasn’t meant to be.

Letting go is part of moving on to something better.  You will not get what you truly deserve if you’re too attached to the things you’re supposed to let go of.  Sometimes you love, and you struggle, and you learn, and you move on.  And that’s OK.  You must be willing to let go of the life you planned for so you can enjoy the life that is waiting for you.

4.  Stop berating yourself for being a work in progress.

Start embracing it!  Because being a work in progress doesn’t mean you’re not good enough today.  It means you want a better tomorrow, and you wish to love yourself completely, so you can live your life fully.  It means you’re determined to heal your heart, expand your mind and cultivate the gifts you know you’re meant to share. May we all be works in progress forever, and celebrate the fact that we are!

5.  Don’t wish your life away.

The truth is, your whole life has been leading up to this moment.  Think about that for a second.  Every single thing you’ve gone through in life, every high, every low, and everything in between, has led you to this moment right now.  This moment is priceless, and it’s the only moment guaranteed to you.  This moment is your ‘life.’  Don’t miss it.  (Read The Power of Now.)

6.  Forget what everyone thinks and wants for you.

One of the greatest freedoms is simply not caring what everyone else thinks of you.  Sometimes you need to step outside, get some air, and remind yourself of who you are and what you want to be.  The best thing you can do is follow your heart.  Take risks.  Don’t just accept the safe and easy choices because you’re afraid of what others will think, or afraid of what might happen.  If you do, nothing will ever happen.  Don’t let small minds convince you that your dreams are too big.  They aren’t.

7.  Stop worrying and complaining.

Start focusing on the things you can control and do something about them.  Those who complain the most accomplish the least.  And when you spend time worrying, you’re simply using your imagination to create things you don’t want.  It’s usually only as good or bad as you think it is.

8.  Start making moves.

Sometimes we ask questions not to seek answers but to affirm something our soul knows already.  You’re not doing yourself a favor by merely hearing the same answer from people over and over again.  It is accepting the truth, making a conscious change and finally moving on to other things that is your answer.  Give your soul a chance to explore the life you are meant to live.  Stop asking the same questions – at some point you have to make a decision and take action.  (Read Getting Things Done.)

9.  Focus on being productive, not being busy.

Don’t just get things done; get the right things done.  Results are always more important than the time it takes to achieve them.  Stop and ask yourself if what you’re working on is worth the effort.  Is it bringing you in the same direction as your goals?  Don’t get caught up in odd jobs, even those that seem urgent, unless they are also important.

10.  Look for the silver lining in every tough situation.

When things are hard, and you feel down, take a few deep breaths and look for the silver lining – the small glimmers of hope.  Remind yourself that you can and will grow stronger from these hard times.  And remain conscious of your blessings and victories – all the things in your life that are right.  Focus on what you have, not on what you haven’t.

11.  Spend more time with the right people.

These are the people you enjoy, who love and appreciate you, and who encourage you to improve in healthy and exciting ways.  They are the ones who make you feel more alive, and not only embrace who you are now, but also embrace and embody who you want to be, unconditionally.

12.  Let things be less than perfect.

Smile every chance you get; not because life has been easy, perfect, or exactly as you had anticipated, but because you choose to be happy and grateful for all the good things you do have, and all the problems you know you don’t have.  You must accept the fact that life is not perfect, that people are not perfect, and that you are not perfect.  And that’s okay, because the real world doesn’t reward perfection.  It rewards people who get GOOD things done.  And the only way to get GOOD things done is to be imperfect 99% of the time.

Afterthoughts

Truth be told, life is actually pretty simple, but we often insist on making it complicated.  If you’re struggling with any of the points above, there is a clear path to getting back on track.  Your habits are simply broken and need to be repaired.  When you trust a broken set of habits every day, it’s only a matter of time before life gets confusing and complicated.
It doesn’t have to be this way though.  You can make adjustments starting today that will instantly help you feel better, think more clearly, and live more effectively.  That’s why we wrote our book, “1,000 Little Things Happy, Successful People Do Differently.”  It is filled with short, concise tips on how to do just that.

The floor is yours…

So which of the points above are you struggling with most right now?  What has been unnecessarily complicating your life?  Please leave a comment below and share your thoughts and insights with us.
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4 Ways to Quiet the Negative Voice Inside You

post written by: Marc Chernoff

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There is little difference in people, but that little difference makes a big difference.  The little difference is attitude.  The big difference is whether it is positive or negative.
―W. Clement Stone

Why do we think negatively when we know better?
Because thinking negatively, expecting “the worst,” seeing the downside of positive situations, and even downright expecting failure, all convey a kind of backwards-thinking, emotional insurance policy.  It goes something like, “If I expect a tragedy, then I won’t be disappointed when it takes place.”
Our desire to want to be right is another common reason we subconsciously choose negative thinking.  Sometimes, as foolish as it sounds, we would rather be right about our negative predictions than have a positive outcome prove us wrong.  And since negative thinking leads to negative actions, or no action at all in many cases, by thinking negatively we create a self-fulfilling prediction for ourselves.  In other words, we think negatively, predict a negative outcome, act negatively, and then receive a negative outcome that fulfills our prediction.
Of course, none of this is what we truly want or need in our lives.  So how can we stop talking ourselves into these thinking traps?  Let’s take a look at four powerful ways to quiet the negative, inner voice that leads us astray:

1.  Start focusing on the grey area between the extremes.

Life simply isn’t black or white – 100% of this or 100% of that – all or nothing.  Thinking in extremes like this is a fast way to misery, because negative thinking tends to view any situation that’s less than perfect as being extremely bad.  For example:

• Rather than the rainstorm slowing down my commute home from work, instead “it wasted my whole evening and ruined my night!”
• Instead of my business venture taking a while to gain traction, “it’s never going to work, and it’s going to completely ruin my financial future.”
• Rather than just accepting the nervousness of meeting a new group of people, “I know these people are not going to like me.”

Since 99.9% of all situations in life are less than perfect, black and white thinking tends to make us focus on the negative – the drama, the failures, and the worst case scenarios.  Sure catastrophes occur on occasion, but contrary to what you many see on the evening news, most of life occurs in a grey area between the extremes of bliss and devastation.
If you struggle with seeing the grey area of a situation, sit down with a pen and paper, write down the best-case outcome, the worst-case outcome, and at least one realistic outcome that falls between the two extremes.  For example, say you’ve been worrying about a new intimate relationship, write down:

• Worst-case outcome (unlikely extreme):  “The relationship is a total disaster that ends with two broken hearts.”
• Best-case outcome (unlikely extreme):  “The relationship is total bliss with zero arguments until the end of time.”
• Realistic-case outcome (highly likely):  “There will be great times, good times, and not so good times, but we will work together, respect each other, and give our relationship a fair chance before drawing any conclusions.”

Make the realistic-case outcome as detailed and long as you like, or list more than one realistic-case outcome.  Giving your mind more options to consider will help reduce extreme emotions and allow you to think more clearly and realistically.  (Read The Happiness Advantage.)

2.  Stop looking for negative signs from others.

Too often we jump to conclusions, only to cause ourselves and others unnecessary worry, hurt, and anger.  If someone says one thing, don’t assume they mean something else.  If they say nothing at all, don’t assume their silence has some hidden, negative connotation.
Thinking negatively will inevitably lead you to interpret everything another person does as being negative, especially when you are uncertain about what the other person is thinking.  For instance, “He hasn’t called, so he must not want to talk to me,” or, “She only said that to be nice, but she doesn’t really mean it.”
Assigning meaning to a situation before you have the whole story makes you more likely to believe that the uncertainty you feel (based on lack of knowing) is a negative sign.  On the flip-side, holding off on assigning meaning to an incomplete story is a primary key to overcoming negative thinking.  When you think more positively, or simply more clearly about the facts, you’ll be able to evaluate all possible reasons you can think of, not just the negative ones.  In other words, you’ll be doing more of:  “I don’t know why he hasn’t called, but maybe…”

• “…he’s extremely busy at work.”
• “…his phone battery is dead.”
• “…he’s simply waiting for me to call him.”
• etc.

You get the get the idea.  None of these circumstances are negative and all are as plausible as any other possible explanation.
Next time you feel uncertain and insecure, and you catch yourself stressing about a problem that doesn’t exist, stop yourself and take a deep breath.  Then tell yourself, “This problem I’m concerned with only exists in my mind.”  Being able to distinguish between what you imagine and what is actually happening in your life is an important step towards living a positive life.

3.  Evaluate and eliminate unreasonable rules and expectations.

You must deal with the world the way it is, not the way you expect it to be.  Life is under no obligation to give you exactly what you expect.  In fact, whatever it is you’re seeking will rarely ever come in the form you’re expecting, but that doesn’t make it any less wonderful.
Stop forcing your own misconstrued expectations and rules on life…

• “He was late, so he must not care about me.” – Or perhaps he just got caught in traffic.
• “If I can’t do this correctly, then I must not be smart enough.” – Or perhaps you just need more practice.
• “I haven’t heard back from my doctor, so the test results must be bad.” – Or perhaps the lab is just really busy and your results aren’t available yet.
• etc.

Inventing rules like these about how life must be, based on your own stubborn expectations, is a great way to keep your mind stuck in the gutter.  This isn’t to say that you should never expect anything at all from yourself and others (diligence, honesty, ambition, etc.), but rather that the rules that govern your expectations should not steer you toward unreasonably negative conclusions.
If you feel dissatisfied or let down by an outcome, then you must have been expecting something different.  Rather than get upset, ask yourself, “Were my expectations too narrow?” and “What new truths have I learned?”
The bottom line is that you must see and accept things as they are instead of as you hoped, wished, or expected them to be.  Just because it didn’t turn out like you had envisioned, doesn’t mean it isn’t exactly what you need to get to where you ultimately want to go.  (Read The Road Less Traveled.)

4.  Embrace rejection and use it to find the right opportunities.

As soon as someone critiques and criticizes you, as soon as you are rejected, you might find yourself thinking, “Well, that proves once again that I am not worthy.”  What you need to realize is, these other people are NOT worthy of YOU and your particular journey.  Rejection is necessary medicine; it teaches you how to reject opportunities that aren’t going to work, so can quickly find new ones that will.
Rejection doesn’t mean you aren’t good enough; it means the other person failed to notice what you have to offer.  It means you have more time to improve your thing – to build upon your ideas, to perfect your craft, and indulge deeper in to the work that moves you.
“Will you be bitter for a moment?  Absolutely.  Hurt?  Of course, you’re human.  There isn’t a soul on this planet that doesn’t feel a small fraction of their heart break at the realization of rejection.  For a short time afterwards you ask yourself every question you can think of…

• “What did I do wrong?”
• Why didn’t they like me?
• How come?
• etc.

But then you have to let your emotions fuel you!  This is the important part.  Let your feelings of rejection drive you, feed you, and inspire one heck of a powerful opening to the next chapter of your journey.
As you look back on your life, you will often realize that many of the times you thought you were being rejected from something good, you were in fact being redirected to something better.  You can’t control everything.  Sometimes you just need to relax and have faith that things will work out.  Let go a little and just let life happen the way it’s supposed to.  Because sometimes the outcomes you can’t change, end up changing you and helping you grow far beyond your wildest dreams.

Afterthoughts

Think positive.  Life is good.  Too many people miss the silver lining because they’re expecting pure gold.  Positive thinking isn’t about expecting the best to always happen, but accepting that whatever happens is the best for the moment.  So keep smiling and keep staying true to your heart.  Someday, the negative voice inside you will have nothing left to say.

The floor is yours…

What negative thoughts do you often struggle with?  How do you cope?  Please leave a comment below and share your insights with us.
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7 Smart Ways to Stop Fearing Rejection

post written by: Marc Chernoff

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When you’re feeling insecure, you typically don’t notice the hundreds of people around you who accept you just the way you are.  All you notice are the few who don’t.

In what way is the fear of rejection holding you back?  How would your life be different if you didn’t care whether everyone liked you and agreed with you, or not?
To answer these questions, we must understand that the vast majority of our fears and anxieties amount to one thing:  Loss.
We fear:

• Losing our youth.
• Losing our social status.
• Losing our money.
• Losing control.
• Losing our comfort.
• Losing our life.
• Etc.

We also fear, perhaps more than anything else, being rejected by others.  This kind of fear is widespread and debilitating if left unaddressed.  Why is this fear so deeply entrenched in us?  In ancient tribal times, being rejected from the safety of the community could have meant death.  So it’s no wonder, really, that we want to be accepted by others.
Fear is an instinctual human emotion designed to keep us aware and safe – like the headlights on a car clearly illuminating the twists and turns on the road ahead.  But too much fear, like high beams blinding us on a dark, foggy road, can cause the loss of the very thing we feared losing in the first place.
This is especially true when it comes to fear of rejection.  Let me give you an example from my own life:
When I was a teenager, I was always the outcast trying desperately to fit in with my peers.  I bounced around to three different schools, and various social circles in each school within a four-year timespan, and I faced rejection after rejection.  I can distinctly remember shooting hoops on the basketball court by myself on numerous occasions, always the new kid, always longing for acceptance.
For the longest time, I thought these childhood “outcast” experiences were the root cause of my obsessive, people-pleasing ways in my adulthood.  In my twenties, I was always looking for signs that others didn’t like me.  I would seek reassurance, always wondering what people “really” thought of me.
Do you look for acceptance and reassurance from others too?
Constantly seeking acceptance and reassurance from other people is a dead end.  These things can only be found within you, not from others.  Why?  Because any look, word, or reaction from someone else can be warped and misinterpreted as an upcoming rejection when it simply isn’t.
My fear also extended beyond my personal relationships.  I was a budding writer and hesitated to start “Marc and Angel Hack Life” for several months, for fear of having my writing judged and rejected by others.
In this post I want to share some tips that helped me feel self-assured and eventually allowed me to overcome my fear of rejection.

1.  Realize that fear itself is the real enemy.

Franklin D. Roosevelt so profoundly said, “Only thing we have to fear is fear itself.”  Nothing could be closer to the truth.  This is especially true as it relates to self-fulfilling prophecies.
A self-fulfilling prophecy is a false belief about a situation that motivates the person with the belief to take actions that cause the belief to come true.  This kind of thinking often kills opportunities and tears relationships apart.  For instance, you might wrongly believe that a group of people will reject you, so you become defensive, anxious, and perhaps even hostile with them.  Eventually, your behavior brings about the feared rejection, which wasn’t there to begin with.  And then you, ‘the prophet,’ feels that you were right from the very beginning: “I knew they didn’t like me!”
Do you see how this works?  Look carefully at your own tendencies.  How do your fears and beliefs about possible rejection influence your behavior toward others?  Take a stand.  Instead of letting fear show you what might be wrong in your relationships, start looking for signs of what might be right.

2.  Let go of your “end of the world” thinking.

All variations of fear, including the fear of rejection, thrive on “end of the world” thinking.  In other words, our emotions convince us that an undesirable outcome results in annihilation.

• What if they don’t like me?
• What if he rejects me?
• What if I don’t fit in and I’m left sitting alone at the party?
• Etc.

None of these things result in the “end of the world,” but if we convince ourselves that they do, we will irrationally fear these outcomes and give our fears control over us.  The truth is, we – human beings – are inefficient at accurately predicting how future misfortune will make us feel.  In fact, most of the time we avoid consciously thinking about it all together, which only perpetuates our subconscious fears.
So ask yourself: “If disaster should strike, and my fear of being rejected comes true, what are three constructive ways I could cope and move forward with my life?”  Sit down and tell yourself a story (write it down too if it helps) about how you will feel after rejection, how you will allow yourself to be upset for a short while, and then how you will begin the process of growing from the experience and moving on.  Just doing this exercise will help you to feel less fear around the possibility of rejection. 

3.  Question what “rejection” really means.

If a person discovers a 200-carat white diamond in the earth but, due to ignorance, believes it to be worthless, and thus tosses it aside, does this tell us more about the diamond or the person?  Along the same lines, when one person rejects another, it reveals a lot more about the “rejecter” than the “rejected.”  All you are really seeing is the, often shortsighted, opinion of one person.  Consider the following…
If J.K. Rowling stopped after being rejected by multiple publishers for years, there would be no Harry Potter.  If Howard Schultz gave up after being turned down by banks 200+ times, there would be no Starbucks.  If Walt Disney quit too soon after his theme park concept was trashed by 300+ investors, there would be no Disney World.
One thing is for sure: If you give too much power to the opinions of others, you will become their prisoner.  So never let someone’s opinion alter your reality.  Never sacrifice who you are, or who you aspire to be, just because someone else has a problem with it.  Love who you are inside and out, and keep pushing forward.  No one else has the power to make you feel small unless you give them that power.  And when someone rejects you, don’t inevitably feel it’s because you’re unworthy or unlovable, because all they’ve done is give you clear feedback about their own shortsightedness.

4.  Let your presence overpower your fear.

Ever noticed how people who are struggling with emotional problems tend to tell you how they don’t want to feel?  Fair enough, but at some point we all need to focus on how we DO want to feel.
When you’re in a social situation that’s making you anxious, forget what you don’t want to feel for a moment.  Work out how you DO want to feel right now in the present moment.  Train yourself to live right here, right now without regretting how others once made you feel, or fearing the possibility of future judgment.
This is YOUR choice.  You CAN change the way you think.
If you were delivering life-saving mouth-to-mouth resuscitation on your mother in public, you’d be 100% focused and present.  You wouldn’t be thinking about what bystanders thought of your hair, your body type, or the brand of jeans you were wearing.  All these inconsequential details would vanish from your consciousness.  The intensity of the situation would motivate you to choose not to care about what others might be thinking of you.  This proves, quite simply, that thinking about what others are thinking about you is YOUR CHOICE.  (Read The Power of Now.)

5.  Let go of your need to always be right.

The reason your fear of rejection sometimes gets the best of you is because a part of you believes you’re always right.  If you think someone doesn’t like you, then surely they don’t.  Right?  WRONG!
People who never learn to question their emotions, especially when they’re feeling nervous or anxious, make life much more difficult than it has to be.  If your perception is always so accurate, why do you make so many mistakes?  Exactly.  It’s time to let go a little.  Being more confident in life partly means being OK with not knowing what’s going to happen, so you can relax and allow things to play out naturally.  Relaxing with “not knowing” is the key to confidence in relationships and peace in life.
So here’s a new mantra for you – say it, and then say it again: “This is my life, my choices, my mistakes and my lessons.  I have nothing to prove.  And as long as I’m not hurting people, I need not worry what they think of me.”

6.  Embrace and enjoy your individuality.

Constantly seeking approval means we’re perpetually worried that others are forming negative judgments of us.  This steals the fun, ingenuity, and spontaneity from our lives.  Flip the switch on this habit.  If you’re lucky enough to have something that makes you different from everybody else, don’t be ashamed and don’t change.  Uniqueness is priceless.  In this crazy world that’s trying to make you like everyone else, find the courage to keep being your remarkable self.  And if they laugh at you for being different, laugh back at them for being the same.
It takes a lot of courage to stand alone, but it’s worth it.  Being unapologetically YOU is worth it!  Your real friends in life will reveal themselves slowly – they’re the ones who truly know you and love you just the same.  Bottom line: Don’t change so people will like you; be yourself and the right people will love the real you.  (Read The Mastery of Love.)

7.  Use rejection as a priceless growth opportunity.

As soon as someone critiques and criticizes you, as soon as you are rejected, you might find yourself thinking, “Well, that proves once again that I am not worthy.”  What you need to realize is, these other people are NOT worthy of YOU and your particular journey.  Rejection is necessary medicine; it teaches you how to reject relationships and opportunities that aren’t going to work, so you can quickly find new ones that will.  It doesn’t mean you aren’t good enough; it just means someone else failed to notice what you have to offer.  Which means you now have more time to improve yourself and explore your options.
“Will you be bitter for a moment?  Absolutely.  Hurt?  Of course, you’re human.  There isn’t a soul on this planet that doesn’t feel a small fraction of their heart break at the awareness of rejection.  For a short time afterwards you will ask yourself every question you can think of…

• What did I do wrong?
• Why didn’t they like me?
• How come?
• Etc.

But then you have to let your emotions fuel you!  This is the important part.  Let your feelings of rejection drive you, feed you, and inspire one heck of a powerful opening to the next chapter of your story.
As you look back on your life, you will often realize that many of the times you thought you were being rejected from something good, you were in fact being redirected to something better.  You can’t control everything – especially the opinions of others.  Sometimes you just need to relax and have faith that things will work out.  Let go a little and just let life happen the way it’s supposed to.  Because sometimes the outcomes you can’t change, end up changing you and helping you grow into your strongest, smartest self.

The floor is yours…

In what ways do you struggle with the fear of rejection?  How do you cope?  Please leave a comment below and share your insights with us.
Photo by: Cia de Foto

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8 Things Happy, Successful People Never Say

post written by: Marc Chernoff

That’s what careless words do…
They make you love life a little less.

How well have you chosen your words?  Have you put them to positive or negative use?  If I eavesdropped on your self-talk, or your conversations with others, would I hear statements that create happiness or statements that refute it?
Words are powerful.  They can create or they can destroy.  Even the small words you whisper under your breath can be the ones to hurt you, or save you.  Your ability to write a happy life story hinges on your language.  It is your inner and outer verbal expression that makes your joy possible and that infuses your life with purpose and vitality.
Today, I challenge you to choose your words wisely.  It’s time to STOP saying…

1.  “My goals and dreams can wait.”

To accomplish great things, you must not only act, but also dream, not only plan, but also believe.  Be a dreamer, a believer, and a courageous and cheerful thinker.  Be a positive motivator, a productive doer, and a go-getter who keeps her head in the clouds and her feet on the ground.  Let the spirit of passion and possibility ignite a fire within you to do something worthwhile today, and don’t forget to spread your enthusiasm to those around you.
There’s no excuse for being an amateur forever.  Life is short.  The day is rapidly approaching when the risk to remain perched in your nest is far more detrimental than the risk it takes to fly.  Fly!  Spread your wings.  Start now.  What a disgrace it would be for you to grow old without ever seeing the beauty and strength of your full potential.
Be bold enough to use your voice, brave enough to listen to your heart, and strong enough to live the life you’ve always imagined.  And remember, people are going to talk regardless of what you do or how well you do it.  So worry about yourself before you worry about what others think.

2.  “I don’t have a choice.”

William James once said, “When you have a choice to make and you don’t make it, that in itself is a choice.”  Nothing could be closer to the truth.
Ultimately, life has no meaning; you have a meaning and you bring it to life.  It is a waste to always be questioning yourself when you are the answer.  Until you can look at yourself in the mirror and honestly say, “I have a choice.  I am here now because of the choices I’ve made in the past,” you will never be able to say, “I choose differently.”
You’re choosing, all day, every day.  If you’re struggling at a job you don’t love, look at it this way: you’re choosing to make a living to pay your mortgage, support your family, and fuel your dreams.  Don’t resist it; own it – that’s where your power is.  If you’re in a relationship that’s causing you pain, you’re choosing to be in it.  Maybe staying will lead to essential growth or a breakthrough or a deeper understanding of love.  Or not.  But you’re choosing to be in or out, right now.  Whichever you choose, own it – that’s where your power is.

3.  “They are probably right, so I must be wrong.”

Don’t allow others to confuse you.  Don’t let them convince your heart what is right for you.  Your heart already knows.  Listen to it.  Don’t let anyone dilute the power of your inner voice.  You’ve got to stand up for something specific, on your own two feet, or you will achieve nothing worthwhile in your own mind.  Within you there is formidable and undeniable sense of purpose.  Happiness comes from making a solid and persistent connection to that purpose.  When your intentions are supported by a “why” that has meaning, you will find the “how” to bring them to life.
Bottom line:  What’s right for you may be wrong for others, and vice versa.  The truth is that the world isn’t really as it is, but as we see it.  And we all see it differently.  So don’t be scared to step out of line.  It’s OK to go off the beaten path, as long as you know why going a different way is right for you.  Some people may resent the freedom that you create in your life when you choose to be true to yourself.  If you come across these people, ignore them and carry on.

4.  “This sucks.”

The worst obstacle in life is a bad attitude.  Remember, it’s not what happens to you, but how you respond to what happens to you.  You can’t let one bad moment spoil a bunch of good ones.  Don’t let the silly little dramas of each day get you down.  Smile, even when it feels like things are falling apart.  Smiling doesn’t always mean you’re happy; sometimes it just means you’re strong.
Likewise, do not let the negative opinions of others derail you.  Throughout your life you will meet two kinds of people: those who are a drain on your energy and try to derail your dreams, and those who give you the energy to pursue your dreams.  Ignore the first kind and cherish the second.  People that doubt, judge, and disrespect you are not worth your time and attention.  (Read The Four Agreements.)

5.  “I hate you.”

As Martin Luther King Jr. so profoundly said, “Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that.  Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that.”  Truth be told, when we harbor feelings of hate, it eventually gets the best of us.  Everything and everyone you hate rents permanent space in both your head and heart.  So if you want to eliminate something or someone from your mind, don’t hate.  Instead, disconnect yourself, move on, and don’t look back.
And remember that getting even doesn’t help you get ahead.  You will never get ahead of anyone as long as you try to get even with them.  Sometimes we don’t forgive people because they deserve it; we forgive them because they need it, because we need it, and because we cannot move forward without it.  To forgive is to rediscover the inner peace and purpose that at first you thought someone took away when they betrayed you.

6.  “I can’t.”

Yes you CAN!  Stop stressing over what could have been, because the chances are if it should have been, it would have been.  You may feel discouraged.  You may feel upset.  You may feel too old.  You may be sick.  You may be divorced.  You may be unemployed.  You may be financially strapped.  You may be… etc.  But you’re not dead – YOU ARE ALIVE.  Your journey is far from over.
Forget about how you thought things were supposed to be.  Just because some things didn’t work out as you had expected, or didn’t happen as fast as you thought they would, is no excuse to give up on yourself.  Time passes one way or the other.  Do what you need to do so that, at the very least, you can look back someday and say, “I gave life my best shot.”  (Read You Can Heal Your Life.)

7.  “I missed my chance.”

Nothing is permanent in this crazy world, not even your mistakes, failures, or troubles.  So laugh at the confusion, live consciously in the moment, and enjoy your life as it unfolds.  You might not be exactly where you had intended to go, but you are precisely where you need to be to take the next best step forward.
As Maria Robinson once said, “Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending.”  This is your life; shape it, or someone else will try for you.  Strength shows not only in the ability to hold on, but in the ability to start over when you must.  It is never too late to become what you might have been.  Keep learning, adapting, and growing.  You may not be there yet, but you are closer than you were yesterday.

8.  “Never mind… it’s not important…”

A great deal of unhappiness comes into the world because of confusion, bewilderment, and things left unsaid.  Many times in life I’ve regretted the things I’ve said without thinking.  But I’ve never regretted the things I said nearly as much as the words I’ve left unspoken.
Speak up.  Don’t hide your thoughts and feelings, especially when you can make a difference.  Be brave.  Say what needs to be said.  When you don’t communicate effectively with those around you, there’s a lot of important stuff that ends up not getting said and a lot of beautiful emotion that ends up not being felt.  There’s no greater sadness than holding on to the words you never had the courage to speak.

Your turn…

What would you add to the list?  What’s something you should NOT say if you want to increase your potential for happiness and success?  Leave a comment below and share your thoughts.

Photo by: David Kracht


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12 Tough Truths that Help You Grow

post written by: Marc Chernoff

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As you look back on your life, you will often realize that many of the times you thought you were being rejected from something good, you were in fact being redirected to something better.  You can’t control everything.  Sometimes you just need to relax and have faith that things will work out.  Let go a little and just let life happen.  Because sometimes the truths you can’t change, end up changing you and helping you grow.
Here are twelve such truths…

1. Everything is as it should be.  It’s crazy how you always end up where you’re meant to be – how even the most tragic and stressful situations eventually teach you important lessons that you never dreamed you were going to learn.  Remember, oftentimes when things are falling apart, they are actually falling into place.
2. Not until you are lost in this world can you begin to find your true self.  Realizing you are lost is the first step to living the life you want.  The second step is leaving the life you don’t want.  Making a big life change is pretty scary.  But you know what’s even scarier?  Regret.  Vision without action is a daydream, and action without vision is a nightmare.  Your heart is free, have the courage to follow it.  Read Awaken the Giant Within.
3. It’s usually the deepest pain which empowers you to grow to your full potential.  It’s the scary, stressful choices that end up being the most worthwhile.  Without pain, there would be no change.  But remember, pain, just like everything in life, is meant to be learned from and then released.
4. One of the hardest decisions you will ever face in life is choosing whether to walk away or take another step forward.  If you catch yourself in a cycle of trying to change someone, or defending yourself against someone who is trying to change you, walk away.  But if you are pursuing a dream, take another step.  And don’t forget that sometimes this step will involve modifying your dream, or planning a new one – it’s OK to change your mind or have more than one dream.
5. You have to take care of yourself first.  Before befriending others, you have to be your own friend.  Before correcting others, you have to correct yourself.  Before making others happy, you have to make yourself happy.  It’s not called selfishness, it’s called personal development.  Once you balance yourself, only then can you balance the world around you.  Read Psycho-Cybernetics.
6. One of the greatest freedoms is truly not caring what everyone else thinks of you.  As long as you are worried about what others think of you, you are owned by them.  Only when you require no approval from outside yourself, can you own yourself.
7. You may need to be single for awhile before you realize that, although the co-owned belongings from your failed relationships might not have been divided equally, the issues that destroyed the relationships likely were.  For how can you stand confidently alone, or see the same issues arising in your newest relationship, and not realize which broken pieces belong to you?  Owning your issues, and dealing with them, will make you far happier in the long run, than owning anything else in this world.
8. The only thing you can absolutely control is how you react to things out of your control.  The more you can adapt to the situations in life, the more powerful your highs will be, and the more quickly you’ll be able to bounce back from the lows in your life.  Put most simply: being at peace means being in a state of complete acceptance of all that is, right here, right now.
9. Some people will lie to you.  Remember, an honest enemy is better than a friend who lies.  Pay less attention to what people say, and more attention to what they do.  Their actions will show you the truth, which will help you measure the true quality of your relationship in the long-term.
10. If you concentrate on what you don’t have, you will never have enough.  If you are thankful for what you do have, you will end up having even more.  Happiness resides not in possessions, and not in gold; happiness dwells in the soul.  Abundance is not about how much you have, it’s how you feel about what you have.  When you take things for granted, your happiness gets taken away.  Read The Happiness Project.
11. Yes, you have failed in the past.  But don’t judge yourself by your past, you don’t live there anymore.  Just because you’re not where you want to be today doesn’t mean you won’t be there someday.  You can turn it all around in the blink of an eye by making a simple choice to stand back up – to try again, to love again, to live again, and to dream again.
12. Everything is going to be alright; maybe not today, but eventually.  There will be times when it seems like everything that could possibly go wrong is going wrong.  And you might feel like you will be stuck in this rut forever, but you won’t.  Sure the sun stops shining sometimes, and you may get a huge thunderstorm or two, but eventually the sun will come out to shine.  Sometimes it’s just a matter of us staying as positive as possible in order to make it to see the sunshine break through the clouds again.

Photo by: Martin Gommel

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7 Stressful Things to Start Ignoring

post written by: Marc Chernoff

in

Life is too short to stress yourself with things that
don’t even deserve to be an issue in your life.

When I was nine-years-old, my dad came into my room one Sunday afternoon with teary eyes and told me that we might lose our house.  He explained that he had been struggling to find a job, and if he didn’t find one soon we would not be able to afford to live in our house anymore.  I could tell he was sad, angry, and worried all at once.  Without thinking about it, I hugged my dad and said, “It’s just a house.  I don’t care where we live, as long as we’re together.”
My dad, who’s now 70, loves to reminisce about this story.  He says my innocent, sincere response brought perspective to the stressful predicament our family was facing at the time.  Suddenly, he realized the sky wasn’t falling.  We were all healthy and capable of getting through this together.  And we did.
As we journey through life, so many of us let stress get the best of us.  Don’t let this happen to you.  Don’t let your mind stir up and put up with unnecessary drama.  Do your best, take small steps forward, keep things in perspective, and ignore the following…

1.  Blatant negativity.

Keep calm and think positively.  Evolve your being and inspire yourself and others.  Say it out loud, “I am sorry negativity, I have no time for you.  I have far too many positive things to do.”  Take the next 24 hours and every time you start to complain, realize it, admit it and stop it.  How often do you complain and harp on negative thoughts?  It may be more often than you think.  Know that bringing awareness to this unproductive habit is the first step to overcoming it.  You are not allowed to complain about something unless you’re going to do something about it.
It’s better to be a lion for a day than a sheep all your life.  Instead of complaining about your circumstances, get busy creating new ones.  Remember that stumbling blocks become stepping stones when you look for the positive in a situation, even if you have to look a little harder than usual.  Be thankful for the little struggles you go through today.  They make you stronger and wiser.  Don’t let them break you; let them make you.
And when it comes to your interactions with negative people…  Smile, even if you have to force it.  Laugh, even if it hurts.  Don’t let them get to you.  You are amazing and life is good, regardless of what others say.  Those who talk down to you are just trying to walk tall by making you feel small.  Rise up.  If someone has nothing nice to say, ignore them.

2.  The people who try to dump on everything you do.

When you follow your heart and intuition, someone will try to discredit you for it.  When you finally find something that makes you happy, not everyone will be happy for you.  When you show unwavering kindness to others, some people will question your motives.  When you are honest to the core, some folks will attempt to use your honesty against you.  When you look for the best in everyone you meet, a few of them will take advantage of it.
Don’t let any of these people stop you from doing these things.  These people don’t matter.  In the end, what does matter is how you feel about yourself and the life you have led.  You will ask yourself one question: “Am I proud of how I lived?”  Make the answer: “Yes!”  

3.  Other people’s opinions of what’s best for you.

You can’t always be agreeable; that’s how people take advantage of you.  You have to set boundaries.  Don’t ever change just to impress someone.  Change because it makes you a better person and leads you to a better future.  Being your true self is the most effective formula for happiness and success there is.
Truth be told, one of the greatest freedoms is simply not caring what everyone else thinks of you.  Take risks.  Follow your intuition.  Don’t just accept the safe and easy choices because you’re afraid of what others might think or say.  Sometimes you need to step outside, get some fresh air, and remind yourself of who you are and what you want to be.  You have to take a stand and do your own thing your own way, no matter what anyone else thinks or says about you.  Don’t let small minds convince you that your dreams are too big.  They aren’t.

4.  That lingering idea of perfection.

The quest for perfection always ends in devastation.  Thinking you have to do things perfectly is like strapping an extra 500 pounds to your back – it absolutely crushes you.  According to research professor, Brené Brown, “Perfection is correlated with depression, anxiety, addiction, and life paralysis or missed opportunities.  The fear of failing, making mistakes, not meeting people’s expectations, and being criticized keeps us outside the arena where healthy competition and striving unfolds.”
You might not be the most beautiful, the strongest, or the most talented person in the world, and that’s OK.  Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not.  You’re great at being YOU.  You might not be proud of all the things you’ve done in the past, but that’s okay too.  The past is not today.  Be proud of who you are, how you’ve grown, and what you’ve learned along the way.
Ultimately, you need to realize that perfect is the enemy of great.  And the real world doesn’t reward perfection; it rewards people who get great things done.  And the only way to get great things done is to be imperfect 99.9% of the time.  (Read Daring Greatly.)

5.  Ungrateful, materialistic thinking.

When life is good, enjoy it.  Don’t go looking for something better.  Happiness never comes to those who don’t appreciate what they have.  A psychology study (Nickerson et al.) conducted in 2003 is proof of this.  The study examined the attitudes of 12,000 college freshmen when they were eighteen, and then measured their life-satisfaction at age 37.  Those who had expressed heightened materialistic aspirations as freshmen – always wanting something they didn’t have – were far less satisfied with their lives two decades later.
To be happy doesn’t mean you don’t desire more, it means you are thankful for what you have now and patient for everything yet to come.  Too many people spend money they haven’t earned, to buy things they don’t want or need, to impress folks they don’t even know.  Don’t be one of them.  Sometimes it’s easy to get so caught up in trying to attain something new and big, that you fail to notice all the little things that give life its magic.  As Epicurus once said, “Do not spoil what you have by desiring what you have not; remember that what you now have was once among the things you only hoped for.”

6.  The idea that everything should be easy.

Not everything that’s faced can be changed, but nothing can be changed until it’s faced.  Many people never achieve what they want in life because when opportunity knocks, they’re still sleeping and dreaming and waiting for a miracle.  Remember, problems are not stop signs, they’re guidelines.  Losing is a learning experience.  Strength does not come from winning at everything.  Your greatest struggles develop your greatest strengths.
In the end, you are not what you have done, but what you have overcome.  All the hardships.  All the mistakes.  All the rejections.  All the pain.  All the times you questioned why.  All of these things have given birth to the wisdom and strength that will help you shine your light on the world, even in the darkest of hours.  (Read The Road Less Traveled.)

7.  An inner resistance to change.

We all have a story.  We’ve all gone through something that has changed us in a way that we could never go back to who we once were.  In life, this kind of change is inevitable.  Everything around you is impermanent – your body, your possessions, your relationships, etc.  You don’t have control over every little thing that happens to you, but you do have control over how you decide to internalize it.
Pay as much attention to the changes that are working positively in your life as you do to those changes that are giving you trouble.  Appreciate how the unexpected is sometimes better than what you expected.  And above all, stop stressing over what’s behind you.  The end of something good is always the beginning of something great.  Say to yourself: “Dear Past, thank you for all the life lessons you have taught me.  Dear Present, I am ready now!”  Because a priceless new beginning always occurs at the point you thought would be the end of everything.
Bottom line:  Don’t sweat the small stuff.  Live simply.  Love generously.  Speak truthfully.  Work diligently.  Then let go and let what’s meant to be, be.

Your turn…

Oliver Wendell Holmes once said, “Too many people die with their music still in them.”  I believe this is due in part to our tolerance of the wrong things – needless sources of stress that can be ignored.  So what do you think?  What would you add to this list?  What sources of stress do you need to ignore more often?  Please leave us a comment below and share your thoughts.
Photo by: Andre Delhaye

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