6 Things Every Couple Should Stop Doing

post written by: Angel Chernoff

“Long-term relationships, the ones that matter, are
all about weathering the peaks and the valleys.”
―Nicholas Sparks

Today, Marc came home with roses for me.  “What are these for?” I asked.  He said several men at a local entrepreneurship meet-up he attended this afternoon were complaining about their wives and family life.  “I just kept thinking about how lucky I am… how lucky WE are,” he continued.  “After more than a decade of living and working together, and marriage, and all the ups and downs, I honestly still had nothing to complain about.  I just sat there in silence and smiled.”
Of course, this made me smile too, so I gave Marc a huge hug.
This evening when I sat down to brainstorm some ideas for a new post, Marc’s story about the other men’s complaints kept echoing through my mind.  And this got me thinking about all the failed relationships and marriages I’ve witnessed over the years, and what they had in common.  So I started jotting down notes, and before I knew it I had the perfect outline for this post – six things every couple should stop doing.
If your relationship with your partner doesn’t feel as healthy and happy as it once did, there’s a good chance you both need to STOP…

1.  Being too busy to be present with each other.

The best gift you can give someone you love is the purity of your full presence.  Presence is complete awareness, or paying full attention to “the now.”  If you do not find at least some amount of presence in the moments you share with your partner, it is impossible to listen, speak, compromise, or otherwise connect with them on a meaningful level.
To cultivate your presence, all you need to do is sit quietly for as long as you desire and put your full attention on your breath – thinking only of what each inhale and exhale feels like.  Don’t judge or resist your inner-workings.  Simply accept and breathe.  Practice this a few times a day, and it will start to feel more natural.  This way, when you are in the thick of a deep conversation with your partner, you can access that presence and listen without judgment or impatience, speak with clarity, and learn to fully connect and compromise.
Bottom line:  Be Present.  Give your partner your full attention.  Let them see their own beauty in your eyes.  Let them find their own voice through your listening ears.  Help them discover their own greatness in your presence.  (Read The Power of Now.)

2.  Feeling too comfortable to compliment each other.

The secret to a healthy, lasting relationship is not about how many days, months, or years you’ve been together, it’s about how much you truly love each other every day.  You must directly express this love through your words and actions.  It seems like such a small thing, but in our busy lives we often forget that a kind word, a helping hand, or just a smile and a quick “thank you” can create a bright spot in your partner’s life.
Relationships last a lifetime only when two people make a choice to keep it and work for it.  Tell your partner you love them every night, and prove it every day.  These acts of love don’t need to be extravagant; they just need to be true.
Also, acknowledging and appreciating each other’s daily victories is one of the most loving things two people can do for each other.  So before going to bed every night, take a moment to openly discuss and appreciate three things you each accomplished during the day, no matter how small.  Compliment each other and celebrate together.  What we focus on expands.  What we appreciate, appreciates in value.

3.  Resisting compromise.

Good relationships don’t just happen, and they aren’t built solely on a foundation of convenience.  They take time, patience, effort, and two people who want to be together and are willing to meet in the middle.  When there’s a disagreement, they work out a solution that works for both parties – a compromise, rather than a need for the other person to change or completely give in.
Ultimately, love is when another person’s happiness is equally as important as your own.  It’s not only about romance, candle-lit diners and walking hand in hand; it’s about a lifetime of commitment and cooperation.  Two people don’t stay in love because they sleep in the same bed, but because they share the same foundation of honesty, trust, and respect. 

4.  Wanting to be right.

When it comes to closest relationships, you don’t always have to be right, you just have to not be too worried about being wrong.  Ask yourself, “Does it really matter?”  Oftentimes it’s far better to be kind than to be right.
Express your opinions freely and politely with your partner, remembering that if your purpose is to ridicule or prove them wrong, it will only bring bitterness into your relationship.  Respecting their opinion, without judging or jumping to conclusions, always carries more weight than simply being right.
Bottom line:  Life is so much better when you focus on being happy together, rather than worrying about who is more right as an individual.

5.  Hiding personal flaws and problems from each other.

You attract a person by the qualities you show them, you keep them around based on the qualities you truly possess.  Problems and flaws are a part of everyone’s life.  If you try to hide them, you don’t give the person who loves you a chance to truly know you and love you fully.
As flawed as you might be, as out of place as you sometimes feel, and as lacking as you believe you are, you don’t have to hide the imperfect pieces of yourself from your partner.  They see your flaws as features that make you interesting, and they see your problems simply as a sign that you’re human too.
By hiding things from your partner, you allow small problems to escalate and dominate both your life and your relationship.  If you make a mistake, it might be irritating, but don’t bury it inside you.  Be open about it, address it, and move on.  Our problems are really our blessings if we use them to grow stronger, both as individuals and as couples.  (Read Daring Greatly.)

6.  Trying to get even, as a replacement to forgiveness.

Getting even doesn’t help a relationship heal.  If you’re feeling pain, don’t take action that creates even more pain.  Don’t try to cover darkness with darkness.  Find the light.  Act out of love.  Do something that will enable you to move forward towards a more fulfilling reality.
If your partner makes a mistake that hurts you, and you want your relationship grow beyond it, you have to start with forgiveness.  Without it, the potential for long-term happiness in a relationship is impossible.
You don’t forgive your partner because you’re weak; you forgive them because you’re strong enough to know that human beings make mistakes.  Forgiveness is giving up your craving to hurt them for hurting you.  It doesn’t mean you’re erasing the past, or forgetting what happened.  It means you’re letting go of the resentment and pain, and instead choosing to learn from the incident and move forward with your life… and hopefully move forward with your relationship too.

Afterthoughts

The greatest relationships take a great deal of work.  They don’t just happen, or maintain themselves.  They thrive only when two people make an effort and take the risk of sharing what it is that’s going on in their heads and hearts.
Keep in mind that every couple has ups and downs, every couple argues, and that’s the way it should be – you’re a partnership, and partnerships can’t function without regular communication and compromise.  When you don’t talk it out, there’s a lot of important stuff that ends up not getting said.
And, above all, remember that it’s not all about you.  There is greatness in doing something you dislike for the sake of someone you love.

Your turn…

What relationship mistakes would you add to this post?  What should every couple stop doing to each other?  Leave a comment below and share your thoughts with us.
Photo by: Nattu

A Love That Is Free Will Forever Be

post written by: Marc Chernoff

Ten years later, they’re still together…

The Girl in the Mirror

She looks at herself in the full length mirror that hangs from her bedroom wall.  Completely naked and exposed, yet confident.  She’s older than she was five years ago, but feels much younger.  And she thinks momentarily about the different men who held her in front of this mirror.
They thought they possessed her.  They thought she was theirs.  Because she was in their arms, so delicate and sweet.  But really she possessed them.  Because she possesses the space in front of the mirror.  And the moments that occur there too.
She gazes down at the man lying naked in her bed.  But he’s not just another man.  For the first time in years, this one sleeps differently.  With a subtle smile, a dash of poise, and a history free of envy.  And she smiles and giggles to herself.
Just then, he stirs, slowly lifts his head, squints his eyes, and looks at her standing across the room, naked in front of the mirror.  His movement startles her and she jumps.  Not because he sees her naked, but because she isn’t ready for him to be awake.  Not yet.
This is her time, the early morning, when the world is quiet and she can hear the sound of her own breathing.  It’s a sacred time when answers and insights aren’t as hard to come by.  A time when her mind is at peace and her heart beats slower.  And it begins beating slower again.  Because he closes his eyes and falls back asleep.
She slips on her robe, tiptoes into the kitchen, pours coffee grounds and water into the coffee maker, places two slices of bread in the toaster, and opens the window curtains.  The warm, early morning sun floods into her apartment.  A few minutes later, the toaster pops.  She spreads strawberry jam on the toast, pours a cup of coffee, opens the front door, and sits down on the doorstep.
And she thinks about how happy she is.  Happy to simply be.  To be free.  To not be tied down by another person or have another person tied down by her.  She stares up at the morning sky for a prolonged moment and smiles.
“I’m in love,” she says aloud.

The Guy in the Bed

He hasn’t fallen back asleep.  When he lifts his head, squints his eyes, and sees her standing naked in front of the mirror, he senses that she isn’t yet ready for him to join her.  So he closes his eyes and pretends to sleep.
He listens as she giggles, slips on her robe, tiptoes into the kitchen, and rattles the toaster, the coffee maker, and the curtains.  He loves these little noises…  Noises he calls music.
Like the music of last night, when they talked and laughed for hours over a bottle of wine.  Until unexpectedly, she kissed him.  And then he kissed her back.  Because of her philosophy and her beauty.
She took off his shirt.  He took off hers.  And it went on like that for what seemed like hours until they were together in bed, naked.  He thought he could love her.  He wondered if he did love her already.  And he wondered if she felt the same way.
When the kitchen noises stop, he gets up, slips on his boxers, and tiptoes into the living room where he sees her sitting peacefully on the doorstep.  She’s completely bathed in the sun’s light.  As she eats toast and drinks coffee, she seems to be laughing… a sweet, silent laughter.
He wants to bother her.  To tell her that he’s hungry too, and that he wouldn’t mind sharing a slice of her toast.  But he doesn’t.  Because she seems so happy and free… the way it should be.  So instead he stands in the doorway and admires her from a distance.  And he thinks about the fact that she isn’t his… that she will never be his.  And that it’s okay.
Because she just said, “I’m in love.”
Photo by: Jey Heich

7 Ways to Stop Fearing What Everyone Thinks of You

post written by: Marc Chernoff

The unhappiest people in this world are the people who
care the most about what everyone else thinks.

“What’s wrong with wanting to please others?”
That’s what several people asked me via email in response to one of my recent articles.  Today, I want to discuss why it’s not healthy to try to please everyone, and how to stop yourself from doing so.
Seeking approval from others is perfectly fine up until the point where you are compromising your health and happiness in the process.  It becomes a serious problem if you feel as though widespread positive approval from others is the very oxygen you need to breathe.  There was a time in my life when I felt exactly this way.
I literally felt like I was short of breath – almost as if I’d die if my peers didn’t approve of me.  This is a condition that developed in my mind when I was very young, after kids in grade school teased me for being a “nerd.”  I did everything I could to win their approval.  And although I grew out of my awkward stage pretty early in my teenage years, the damage was done – I was left feeling insecure.  I was conditioned to seek and beg for outside approval at all times.
The big problem was that, as a twenty-something college graduate entering the work force, I felt that anything I did or even thought only had validity if it was the “right thing” to say and think.  And by “right thing,” what I really mean is “what other people thought was right.”  I was terrified to step outside the box of acceptability – which was especially harmful to my creativity as I tried to nurture my passion for writing and blogging.
Once I realized what I was doing, I read several books, spoke with a coach, and focused diligently on healing this broken part of myself.
The bottom line is that constant approval-seeking forces you to miss out on the beauty of simply being yourself, with your own unique ideas and desires.  If you are led through life only doing and being what you’ve come to believe is expected of you, then, in a way, you cease to live.
So how can you stop fearing what everyone thinks of you?  Let’s take a look:

1.  Get comfortable with not knowing what other people think.

When I first started writing on this blog, I’d agonize over whether people would think what I was writing was good enough.  I desperately hoped they’d like it, and oftentimes I’d catch myself imagining they didn’t.  Then one day I realized how much energy I was wasting worrying about it.  So I’ve gradually learned to relax with simply not knowing.
Some problems in life, such as not knowing what others think of you, are not really meant to be resolved.  How people perceive you may have more to do with them than you anyway.  They may even like or dislike you simply because you’ve triggered an association in their minds by reminding them of someone they liked or disliked from their past, which has absolutely nothing to do with you.
So here’s a new mantra for you – say it, and then say it again: “This is my life, my choices, my mistakes and my lessons.  As long as I’m not hurting people, I need not worry what they think of me.”

2.  Know that most people are NOT thinking about you anyway.

Ethel Barrett once said, “We would worry less about what others think of us if we realized how seldom they do.”  Nothing could be closer to the truth.
Forget what everyone else thinks of you; chances are, they aren’t thinking about you anyway.  If you feel like they always are, understand that this perception of them watching you and critiquing your every move is a complete figment of your imagination.  It’s your own inner fears and insecurities that are creating this illusion.  It’s you judging yourself that’s the problem.

3.  Accept that someone else’s opinion is NOT your problem.

How many times have you looked at a person and initially misjudged their brilliance?  Appearances are deceptive.  How you seem to someone and how you actually are rarely congruent.  Even if they get the basic gist of who you are, they’re still missing a big piece of the puzzle.  What someone thinks of you will rarely contain the whole truth, which is fine.
If someone forms an opinion of you based on superficialities, then it’s up to them, not you, to reform those opinions based on a more objective and rational viewpoint.  Leave it to them to worry about – that is, if they even have an opinion at all.
Bottom line:  The opinions other people have about you is their problem, not yours.  The less you worry about what they think of you, the less complicated your life becomes.  (Read The Four Agreements.)

4.  Ask yourself, “Does what they think even matter?”

People will think what they want to think.  No matter how carefully you choose your words and mannerisms, there’s always a good chance they’ll be misinterpreted and twisted upside down by someone.  Does this really matter in the grand scheme of things?  No, it doesn’t.
How others see you is not important.  How you see yourself means the world.  When you’re making big decisions, remember, what you think of yourself and your life is more important than what people think of you.  Stay true to YOU.  Never be ashamed of doing what feels right.  Decide what you think is right and stick to it.

5.  See the benefit in being unique.

If you’re thinking like everyone else, you aren’t thinking.  And if you aren’t thinking, you aren’t truly living.
It’s human nature to attempt to mimic other humans we look up to – perhaps a parental figure or a celebrity – especially when we are feeling insecure in our own skin.  But attempting to be someone else will always leave us feeling empty inside.  Why?  Because what we appreciate about the people we admire is their individuality – the qualities that make them unique.  To really copy them, we need to develop our own individuality, and in that way, we would actually be less like them and more like our true selves.
We all have quirks and unique perspectives.  The more relaxed you become with your own differences, the more comfortable you will start to feel just being YOU.  Celebrate being different, off the beaten path, a little on the weird side… your own special creation.  If you find yourself feeling like a fish out of water, by all means find a new river to swim in.  But DO NOT change who you are; BE who you are.  (Read The Road Less Traveled.)

6.  Be fully present and aware of how you DO want to feel.

It’s OK to know how you do not want to feel, but that’s not all you should be thinking about.  Imagine someone trying to learn to read by spending all their time focusing on how they do not want to not be able to read.  It doesn’t really make any sense, does it?
Enough is enough!  Forget what you do not want to feel for a moment.  Work out how you DO want to feel right now in the present moment.  Train yourself to live right here, right now without regretting how others once made you feel, or fearing the possibility of future judgment.
If you were delivering life-saving mouth-to-mouth resuscitation on your mom in public, you’d be 100% focused and present.  You wouldn’t be thinking about what bystanders thought of your hair, your body type, or the brand of jeans you were wearing.  All these inconsequential details would vanish from your consciousness.  The intensity of the situation would motivate you to choose not to care about what others might be thinking of you.  This proves, quite simply, that thinking about what others are thinking about you is YOUR CHOICE.

7.  Speak and live your truth.

Speak your truth even if your voice shakes.  Be cordial and reasonable, of course, but don’t tread carefully on every word you say.  Push your concerns of what others might think aside.  Let the consequences of doing so unravel naturally.  What you’ll find is that most of the time no one will be offended or irritated at all.  And if they do get upset, it’s likely only because you’ve started behaving in a way that makes them feel they have less power over you.
Think about it.  Why be fake?
In the end, the truth usually comes out one way or the other, and when that happens, you’re standing alone if you’ve been living a lie.  So live your whole truth starting now.  If someone gives you a hard time and says, “You’ve changed,” it’s not a bad thing.  It just means you stopped living your life their way.  Don’t apologize for it.  Instead, be open and sincere, explain how you feel, and keep doing what you know in your heart is right.

Afterthoughts

A life spent ceaselessly trying to please people who, perhaps, are incapable of ever being pleased, or trying too hard to always be seen as doing “the right thing,” is a sure road to a regretful existence.
Do more than just exist.  We all exist.  The question is:  Do you live?
I eventually realized existing without ever truly living was not what I wanted for myself.  So I made changes – I implemented all seven of the points discussed in this article and never looked back.  If you are in the same place I once was, seeking approval from everyone for every little thing you do, please take this post to heart and start making changes today.  Life is too short not to.

Your turn…

How has the fear of what other people think interfered with your life?  What has it stopped you from doing?  How have you coped?  Leave a comment below and share your insights with us.
Photo by: Zev

How To Choose Happiness With Words

post written by: Marc Chernoff

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This guest post was written by Tehseen, the author of Recharge Your Mind.

Happiness is simply a state of mind.  No, I’m not implying that we can instantly heal the pain of a severe or unexpected personal tragedy just by thinking about being happy.  Rather, I am referring to our levels of happiness on routine days when things in our lives are close to normal.  In these neutral times, when we are neither ecstatic nor extremely sad, the slightest change in attitude can swing our happiness balance drastically in either a positive or negative direction. One of the primary factors that affect our attitude is our choice of words.
Words have a lot of power and influence on both the speaker and the listener.  When we speak we sometimes unintentionally choose words that have a negative undertone.  This can make us seem unhappy (and negative) in the eyes of others.  Even worse, after we have spoken these words our unconscious mind starts believing in them.  “If this is what came out of my mouth, it must be the way I truly feel.”
However, this is not always true.  The first fleeting words that come to mind are not necessarily the most accurate representation of our feelings and intentions.  We must realize that we have the power to choose the words we use, and if we pick them carefully, they can change the way we feel.
Here are three typical scenarios where positive language can inject positivity and happiness into our lives.

Inject Happiness into Casual Communication

Typically, when I ask someone “How are you?” they reply, “I’m fine” or “I’m okay.”  But one lazy Monday afternoon last month a new colleague of mine replied, “Oh, I am fabulous!”  It made me smile, so I asked him what was making him feel so fabulous and he said, “I’m healthy, my family is healthy, and we live in a free country.  So I don’t have any reason not to be happy.”  The difference was simply his attitude and his choice of words.  He wasn’t necessarily any better off than anyone else, but he seemed twenty times happier.
It really struck a chord with me.  Suddenly I realized that I have a choice.  I can either say “the glass is half empty” or “the glass is half full.”  Why not rejoice in the fact that, thankfully, I don’t have anything to be terribly upset about.
So now when someone asks me how I am doing, I say “I’m doing wonderful!” or “Everything is awesome!” or something similar that reflects a positive, happy mood.  Since I’ve made a regular habit of doing this, multiple friends and acquaintances have noticed a positive change in my attitude.  And I do genuinely feel happier.  Also, it seems like the people around me are smiling more now too.  So I guess it’s contagious.

Keep Friendly Discussions Friendly

We’ve all been involved in friendly discussions that turn into heated arguments.  This usually results in a complete breakdown of productive communication.  The reason for this is simple.  When people get into heated arguments they get unhappy, and unhappy people are not productive.  More often than not these arguments transpire due to our choice of words rather than our point of views. If communicated peacefully and appropriately people usually tolerate each other’s perspectives pretty well.  Hence, it’s very important to choose our words wisely even when we strongly disagree with someone.

• Instead of telling the other person “You always…” try saying “Sometimes you…”.
• Instead of saying “That’s not true,” try saying “I don’t think I completely understand your point of view.”
• Instead of telling your friend “I don’t want to go to that bar,” you can say “Oh, we can go to that bar too if you want, but I would rather…”

Using words that make the other person feel negated always creates negativity in conversations.  On the other hand, choosing words that assure the listeners that their perspectives are being respected drastically improves the chances of getting your point across without heating things up.
Wendell Johnson once said:

Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use.

Maintain a Hopeful Outlook

When we are talking or thinking about ourselves we are typically the least careful with our choice of words.  We assume that there are no restrictions on what to say or how to think about our own person.  In some situations this might be true, but the positivity or negativity of our words and thoughts still affect us.
For example, there is a huge difference between saying “I wish I have a house that big someday” versus “It would be great to have a house that big someday.”  The latter gives a greater sense of possibility and confidence which allows us to believe that ‘yes’ it is possible and ‘yes’ it could happen one day.  Whereas, using words like ‘I wish’ makes it seem unreachable and impossible, which generally leads to feelings of discontentment.

Conclusion

These are just some simple examples that illustrate how important it is to choose and use positive words.  Remember, our words transparently coincide with our mindset.  Positive language creates a healthy balance between our mind and our heart.

Photo by: Greekadman

8 Chances Unhappy People Never Take

post written by: Marc Chernoff

“The only way to find true happiness is to risk being completely cut open.”
―Chuck Palahniuk

This morning, for some reason the register at our local quickie mart would not accept my credit card, which was the only form of payment I had on me.  It didn’t report my card was declined, but the transaction process just seemed to cycle in an infinite loop.  After trying twice, the cashier smiled, took a $10 bill out of her own pocket, used it to ring up the milk and eggs I was trying to buy, and handed me the change and receipt.  She said, “Honey, I’m not sure what’s wrong with the credit card machine at the moment, but I see you in here all the time.  Pay me back when you get the chance.”
I was blown away!  I couldn’t stop smiling, and neither could she.  Her gesture of kindness honestly made both of our mornings.
This afternoon when I sat down to write, I immediately thought about my joyful encounter this morning, and the first thing that came to mind was, “That wonderful lady really took a chance on me.”  Which got me thinking about all the chances we have to make our lives a little brighter and happier, and how many of these chances we never take.
So if you’ve been feeling a bit unhappy lately, it might be time to…

1.  Take a chance on others by giving them a hand.

The happiest and most successful people are always looking for ways to help others.  The unhappiest and most unsuccessful people are still asking, “What’s in it for me?”
Ultimately, your greatest successes in life will not be measured by how high you have climbed, but by how many people you have helped up with you.  This is how success leads to happiness.  What goes around comes around.  It’s impossible to not feel good when you are doing good for others.
Today, help those around you and celebrate their strengths.  Lift them up and help them thrive.  When you choose to see and support the best in others, you end up finding the best in yourself.

2.  Take a chance on your dignity and self-worth.

Be strong enough to let go and wise enough to fight for what you deserve.  Sometimes you have to get knocked down lower than you have ever been to stand up taller than you ever were before.  Sometimes your eyes need to be washed by your tears so you can see the possibilities in front of you with a clearer vision again.  Don’t settle.

Keep up your dignity and always be true to yourself.  Truly loving yourself involves faith and trust and belief in who you are, and a willingness to act upon it.  So stop daydreaming and start DOING.  Develop a backbone, not a wishbone.  Take full responsibility for your life – take control.  You are important and you are needed.  It’s too late to sit around and wait for somebody to do something someday.  Someday is now, and the somebody the world needs is YOU.

3.  Take a chance on imperfection.

If you always look for perfection, you’ll always look unhappy.  When you stop expecting people and situations to be perfect, you can start to appreciate them for who and what they are.  Imperfections are important, and so are mistakes.  We get to be good by learning from our mistakes and we get to be real by being imperfect.
Today, be tolerant of people’s mistakes.  Sometimes good people make bad choices.  It doesn’t mean they’re bad; it simply means they’re human.
Likewise, learn to walk in your own shoes imperfectly.  If you want to truly grow into your best self, let go of the notion of perfection and replace it with the notion of endless playful exploration.  It is better to live your own destiny honestly, joyfully and imperfectly, than to live up to one of society’s contrived expectations with perfection.

4.  Take a chance on the present moment.

Endless worry and rumination are the enemies to living in the present moment.  The search for happiness is sometimes the main reason for unhappiness.  Enjoy your life today; don’t wish it away by waiting for better days ahead.  Accept and appreciate things now, and you’ll find more happiness in every moment you live.
If you are feeling down right now, each second that passes is another moment to turn it all around.  Feelings, good and bad, always come and go.  The trick is to be grateful when your mood is high and graceful when it is low.  Every day may not be good, but there’s something good about every day.  Appreciating these good things is what makes a good life in the end.  (Read The Power of Now.)

5.  Take a chance on your heart and intuition.

Happiness comes more easily when you feel good about yourself without feeling the need for anyone else’s approval.  As long as you are worried about what others think of you, in a way, you are owned by them.  Only when you require no approval can you truly own yourself.
Listen to your soul.  Trust your intuition; it will rarely lead you astray.  If it doesn’t feel right in your gut, then it probably isn’t.  So stop worrying about what you’re supposed to do and start doing what you know is right.  No matter how you live, someone will be disappointed.  Just live your truth and be sure YOU aren’t the one who is disappointed in the end.

6.  Take a chance on doing the right thing, even when no one is watching.

Most of the good things you do will go unnoticed by others.  Do them anyway, because you will notice.  Many of the contributions you make will not be fully realized by others.  Make them anyway, because you realize they are the right things to do.
It’s great when you receive recognition for the things you do, yet even when there is no possibility of recognition, YOU still recognize the reasons you are putting forth the effort.  Your honest, authentic view of yourself influences all that you do.  And that view is formed mainly during times when no one is watching.  Your life is a living expression of who you know yourself to be, regardless of what others think or see.

7.  Take a chance on feeling vulnerable.

We often keep our hearts and minds closed, not because we don’t trust others not to hurt us, leave us, or let us down, but because we don’t trust ourselves to survive the pain if they do.  How ironic, considering that only by opening up and suffering through this type of discomfort, do we come to realize our true strength and potential for peace of mind.
Take any emotional feeling – love for a significant other, or grief over a lost family member, or fear and pain from a deadly illness.  If you hold back on your emotions and you don’t allow yourself to go all the way through them, you can never get to the point of being detached from them.  In other words, if you spend all your energy being afraid of feeling your true emotions – the vulnerability that love, sincerity and acceptance entails – you will be forever stuck.
But by throwing yourself into these emotions, by allowing yourself to fully embrace them to the point where you’re effectively in over your head, you leave no emotion abandoned or question lingering in your mind.  You know what love is.  You know what grief is.  You know what fear is.  And only when you know these things can you say, “I’m OK.”  (Read Daring Greatly.)

8.  Take a second chance whenever possible.

We all need second chances.  This isn’t a perfect world.  We’re not perfect people.  I’m probably on my 1,000th second chance right now and I’m not ashamed to admit it.  Because even though I’ve failed a lot, it means I’ve tried a lot too.
Most of the time the only difference between winning and losing is not quitting.  We rarely get things right the first time.  Almost every major accomplishment in a person’s life starts with the decision to try again and again – to get up after every failed attempt and give it another shot.
Live, learn, and let go.  Don’t hold yourself down with the things you can’t control.  Don’t carry your mistakes around with you.  Instead, place them under your feet and use them as stepping stones.  If you take another step, and another, you’ll be surprised to know how far you can go from the point you thought was the end.  Every moment gives you a new beginning and a new ending.  You get a second chance, every second.  Just because something doesn’t go as planned, doesn’t mean it wasn’t worth your while.  Sometimes you have to fail forward, by learning what doesn’t work to discover what does.

Afterthoughts and next steps…

Life is a journey that’s only traveled once; don’t waste it.  Today’s moments quickly become tomorrow’s memories.  Appreciate today for what it is and make your time count.  Make it memorable.  Don’t let your coulda’s and shoulda’s of yesterday determine your can’s and will’s of today.  Live your life so that you never have to regret the chances you never took, the love you never let in, and the gifts you never gave out.

Your turn…

What would you add to this post?  What chances do you need to start taking for your happiness and well-being?  Leave a comment below and share your thoughts.
Photo by: Stephen Poff

75 Ways To Stay Unhappy Forever

post written by: Marc Chernoff

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Dale Carnegie once said, “It isn’t what you have, or who you are, or where you are, or what you are doing that makes you happy or unhappy.  It’s what you think about.”
I don’t think anyone could say it any better than that.  I’ve watched so many friends search tirelessly for happiness by changing jobs, moving to new cities, pursuing intimate relationships, and tweaking all sorts of other external factors in their lives.  And guess what?  They’re still unhappy.  Because they spend all of their time and money adding positive externals to their lives when their internals are still in the negatives.
So with that in mind, here are 75 ways to stay unhappy forever.  Of course, I would highly recommend you read each bullet point and then move swiftly in the opposite direction.

1. Dwell on things that happened in the past.
2. Obsess yourself with all the things that might happen in the future.
3. Complain about problems instead of taking the necessary steps to resolve them.
4. Fear change and resist it.
5. Work hard, do your best and then condemn yourself for not achieving perfection.
6. Belittle yourself.
7. Hang out with other people who belittle you.
8. Try to control everything and then worry about the things you can’t control.
9. Lie to yourself and those around you.
10. Keep doing the same thing over and over again.
11. Be lazy and follow the path of least resistance.
12. Hold onto anger.  Never forgive anyone.
13. Always be right.  Never let anyone else be more right than you.
14. Compare yourself unfavorably to those who you feel are more successful.
15. Let small issues snowball into big problems.
16. Never learn anything new.
17. Never take responsibility for your own actions.
18. Blame everyone around you.
19. Don’t ask for directions and don’t ask questions.
20. Don’t let anyone help you.
21. Quit when the going gets tough.
22. Be suspicious.  Trust no one.
23. Get four hours of sleep every night and convince yourself that it’s enough.
24. Never throw anything way.  Even if you don’t use it, hold onto it.
25. Say “yes” to everyone.  Fill all your time with commitments.
26. Try to be everyone’s friend.
27. Multitask, multitask, multitask!  Do everything at once.
28. Never spend any time alone.
29. Don’t help others unless you have to.  Do only the things that benefit you directly.
30. Hang out with people who complain about everything.
31. Focus on what you don’t want to happen.
32. Fear the things you don’t fully understand.
33. Always seek external validation before you consider yourself good enough.
34. Take everything and everyone in life seriously.
35. Spend your life working in a career field you aren’t passionate about.
36. Focus on the problems.
37. Think about all the things you don’t have.
38. Read or watch lots of depressing news from broadcast media.
39. Set lofty goals for yourself and never do anything to achieve them.
40. Never exercise.
41. Only eat junk food and fried food.
42. Never check-up on your health.
43. Setup your lifestyle so it revolves around money.
44. Spend more than you earn and rack up lots of financial debt.
45. Don’t say what you mean.  Don’t mean what you say.
46. Frown.
47. Never tell anyone how you feel or what you’re thinking.
48. Make sure everything you do impresses someone else.
49. Always put your own needs on the back burner.
50. Get involved in other people problems and make them your own.
51. Make others feel bad about themselves.
52. Watch TV for several hours every day.
53. Gamble often.
54. Stay in the same place.  Don’t travel.
55. Don’t play, just work.
56. Let your hobbies go.
57. Let your close relationships go.
58. Never finish what you start.
59. Take everything personally.
60. Do lots of drugs.  Drink lots of alcohol.
61. Never say, “I’m sorry.”  Never say, “I love you.”
62. Don’t work hard at anything.
63. Always wait until the last minute.
64. Believe that, no matter what, you are entitled to things.
65. Let others make decisions for you.
66. Remember the insults.  Forget the compliments.
67. Let it all bottle up inside.
68. Rely on others for everything.
69. Fail to plan.
70. Don’t dream.
71. Don’t think about the future at all.
72. Always disregard other people’s opinions and suggestions.
73. Make promises you can’t keep.
74. Don’t decide on anything, ever.
75. Just keep going and going and going.  And never ever stop.

And now that you know what not to do, let me tell you a secret about happiness.  Nobody is happy all of the time.  It’s perfectly normal to experience considerable fluctuations in your level of happiness from day to day, month to month, and even year to year.
In fact, according to a recent scientific study, overall levels of happiness decline from one’s teens until one’s 40s and then pick up again until they peak in one’s early 70s.  So the chances are that your happiest days are yet to come.  Hopefully that gives you something to smile about.
Photo by: Helga Weber

20 Bad Habits Holding Good People Back

post written by: Marc Chernoff

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A change in bad habits leads to a good change in life…

Here are twenty bad habits many of us repeatedly struggle with:

1. Expecting life to be easy. – Nothing starts easy; everything begins at some level of difficulty.  Even waking up in the morning sometimes requires notable effort.  But one beautiful thing about life is the fact that the most difficult challenges are often the most rewarding and satisfying.
2. Overlooking your true path and purpose. – What really matters in life is not what we buy, but what we build; not what we have, but what we share with the world; not our capability but our character; and not our success but our true significance.  Live a life that makes you proud – one that matters and makes a difference.  Live a life filled with passion and love.  Read A New Earth: Awakening to Your Life’s Purpose.
3. Chasing after those who don’t want to be caught. – Do not chase people.  Be you, do your own thing and work hard on your passions.  The right people who belong in your life will eventually come to you, and stay.
4. Not asking for help when you know you need it. – No matter how far you’ve gone down the wrong road, you can always turn back.  Be STRONG enough to stand alone, SMART enough to know when you need help, and BRAVE enough to ask for it.
5. Letting one dark cloud cover the entire sky. – Take a deep breath.  It’s just a bad moment, or a bad day, not a bad life.  Everyone has troubles.  Everyone makes mistakes.  The secret of happiness is to count your blessings while others are adding up their troubles.
6. Holding on to things you need to let go of. – Letting go doesn’t mean giving up, but rather accepting that there are things in life that should not be.  Sometimes letting go is what makes us stronger, happier and more successful in the long run.
7. Spending time with people who make you unhappy. – People can be cruel, and sometimes they will be.  People can hurt you and break your heart, and sometimes they will.  But only YOU can allow them to continuously hurt you.  Value yourself enough to choose to spend time with people who treat you the way you treat them.  Know your worth.  Know when you have had enough.  And move on from the people who keep chipping away at your happiness.
8. Not making time for those who matter most. – When we take things for granted, these things eventually get taken away.  Too often we don’t realize what we have until it’s gone.  Too often we are too stubborn to say, “I’m sorry, I was wrong.”  Too often it seems we hurt the ones closest to us by letting insignificant issues tear us apart.  Appreciate what you have, who loves you and who cares for you.  You’ll never know how much they mean to you until the day they are no longer beside you.
9. Denying personal responsibility. – You’re getting almost everything you’re getting right now based on the decisions you have made; and you will continue to receive the same things until you choose differently.  You always have some element of control.  There are always other options.  The choices might not be easy, but they are available.  You will not get a different result until you exercise a choice that forces you to grow by habit, by action, and by change.
10. Letting everyone else make decisions for you. – Never allow someone or something that adds very little to your life, control so much of it.  You’ve got to stop caring about what everyone else wants for you, and start actually living for yourself.  Let go of the people and things that continuously hold you back and no longer serve you, because you only get one shot at life.
11. Giving up who YOU are. – Remove yourself from any situation that requires you to give up any one of these three things:  1) Who you are.  2)  What you stand for.  3)  The goals you aspire to achieve.  Read Quitter.
12. Quitting as soon as things get slightly difficult. – An arrow can only be shot by pulling it backward; and such is life.  When life is pulling you back with difficulties, it means it’s going to eventually launch you forward in a positive direction.  So keep focusing, and keep aiming!
13. Doing too much and pushing too hard, without pausing. – Plenty of people miss their share of happiness, not because they never find it, but because they never stop long enough to enjoy it.  Sometimes we are so focused on what we want that we miss the things we need most.
14. Discrediting yourself for everything you aren’t. – STOP discrediting yourself for everything you aren’t.  START giving yourself credit for everything that you are.
15. Running from current problems and fears. – Trust me, if everyone threw their problems in a pile for you to see, you would grab yours back.  Tackle your problems and fears swiftly, don’t run away from them.  The best solution is to face them head on no matter how powerful they may seem.  Either you own your problems and fears, or they will ultimately own you.
16. Constantly mulling over past hardships. – You’ll never see the great things ahead of you if you keep looking at the bad things behind you.  To reach up for the new, you must let go of the old.  You are exactly where you need to be to reach your goals.  Everything you’ve been through was preparation for where you are right now and where you can be tomorrow.
17. Denying your mistakes. – Remember that most honorable people of all are not those who never make mistakes, but those who admit to them when they do.  And then go on to do their best to make the wrong things right.
18. Expecting your significant other to be perfect. – Remember that you will never find a PERFECT partner to love you in the exact way you had envisioned, only a person who is willing to love you with all that they are.  Someone who will accept you for who you can and cannot be.  And although they will never be PERFECT, finding a partner like this is even BETTER.  Read The Mastery of Love.
19. Focusing on the negative. – Positive thinking isn’t about expecting the best thing to happen every time, it’s about accepting that whatever happens is good for this moment, and then making the best of it.  So stay positive, and hold on to what’s truly important.  Let your worries go.  No matter how you look at it, some outcomes just don’t make sense right away.  Choosing to carry on with your goals through this uncertainty is what matters.
20. Never allowing things to be good enough. – We are human.  We are not perfect.  We are alive.  We try things.  We make mistakes.  We stumble.  We fall.  We get hurt.  We rise again.  We try again.  We keep learning.  We keep growing.  And we are thankful for this priceless opportunity called life.

Photo by: Luigi Caterino