7 Tips for Preserving a Marriage 20+ Years

When we were growing up, we learned that couples in fairy tales always lived "happily ever after." But we never discussed what happened after "happily ever after." It turns out that this is when the real work begins. Marriage is not easy. We are taking two people who have come from different households and maybe different backgrounds and expecting them to just get along. In this country, we do not teach people how to be married, and this is one of the failings of our system. Here is a list of seven suggested tips for preserving a marriage for the long-term:

1) The first thing you should learn in a marriage is how to communicate with each other. That means that if you want to request a change in someone's behavior, you have to use "I" stems rather than "you" stems, which are by nature accusatory. Remember that all communication should be based on how you feel about your partner's behavior and what changes you would like to see take place.

2) Always remember to stay on topic. If you are having a discussion about something that bothers you, you should stick to that discussion and not bring in outside issues, aka "the kitchen sink." For example, if your partner comes home late for dinner, the fact that he or she forgot your birthday last year should not be part of the discussion. Focus, focus, focus. Tell him or her how you feel. Use "I" words rather than belittling and personal attacks.

3) Listen to what the other person is saying. Just because someone says something does not mean you have to respond immediately. Try listening -- if your mouth is working, your ears probably are not. The most important thing to remember about an argument is that it is just a blip in the relationship and not a volcano that you allow to explode and end the relationship.

4) Make a date with your spouse. Life goes on. Children grow and have needs. Business and your career may seem very important, but if you do not give priority to your spouse, there is likelihood that someday you will not have one. In other words, make a date and keep it. If Wednesday is date night, nothing changes date night unless someone has been hit by a car. This is the night that you prioritize and you let your spouse know he or she is so important that nothing will interfere: business, children or anything else.

5) Learn how to have a fight. Every couple will have fights during the course of their marriage, and this is not the end of the world. If fighting is done properly, it can actually build the relationship. All fights should be brief and -- if possible -- scheduled. It's okay to be really angry, it's okay to blow your top, but you should schedule a time for it and limit it. You should not drag up old business, but instead focus on the issue and say, "I'm really angry and here is why." Screaming at someone does not really move the ball. If you are trying to blow off steam and get a point across, make your point, and move on.

6) Make a point of saying something nice to your spouse every day. It can be as simple as "thanks for doing the dishes," or "I like your new haircut." People listen better when you start a conversation by saying something positive.

7) Stay in touch with your spouse. We tend to talk more to the people we work with versus the person we live with. Marriage does not give anyone the ability to read minds. Taking time at the end of each day to share your experiences is important to keeping in touch with each other. If you want changes in your career, to go back to school, or to redecorate the living room, share it. Many divorcing couples have just "grown apart." Don't let that happen to you.

None of these suggestions are easy, but they are designed to make a better marriage. Twenty years with the same person is a long time. If you want to make it 20, or 40, or 60 years, you need to learn the meaning of communicating in a positive way, fighting appropriately, and putting your spouse first. These suggestions are designed to ensure the strength of your bond. And while getting along with someone that was raised differently than you were is a difficult process for the long haul, these tips should help make it easier and, ultimately, more rewarding.

By Lynne Gold-Bikin

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10 Things You Should Never Say About Yourself

post written by: Marc Chernoff

“None but ourselves can free our minds.”
―Bob Marley

When I was a freshman in high school, and struggling to find my way, someone anonymously slipped a note into my locker one afternoon.  It said, “Don’t let them get inside your head.  You’re not boring, nerdy or weird.  You’re complex, creative and far too intelligent for their small words.  And for the record, you are also infinitely more attractive than you give yourself credit for.”
I never discovered who wrote the note, but whoever they are, they changed my life.  From that day forward, I changed the way I talked to myself.
Specifically, I STOPPED saying…

1.  “I’m not good enough yet.”

You might think you’re not good enough, but you’ll surprise yourself if you keep trying.  Your past does not determine who you are. Your past prepares you for who you are capable of becoming.  What ultimately defines you is how well you rise after falling.  Don’t ever be afraid to give yourself a chance to be everything you are capable of being.  Forget the haters.  Never undervalue who you are and what you’re capable of.  Excellence is the result of loving more than others think is necessary, dreaming more than others think is practical, risking more than others think is safe, and doing more than others think is possible.

2.  “I should be living up to other people’s expectations.”

Remember, it’s always better to be at the bottom of the ladder you want to climb than the top of the one you don’t.  Happiness and success is all about spending your life in your own way.  Always be yourself and walk your own path.  No one can ever tell you you’re doing it wrong.  Everyone has their own dreams, their own struggles, and a different path that makes sense for them.  You are YOU for a reason.
If you end up living a boring, miserable life because you ignored yourself and instead listened to a parent, a teacher, or some gal on TV telling you how to live your life, then you have no one but yourself to blame.  Just remember, the smartest and most courageous act is simply to think for yourself and listen to you own intuition.  In the end, it’s better to die your way, than live someone else’s idea of your life.

3.  “What they think and say about me matters.”

What would you do differently if you knew nobody would judge you?
Don’t let others crush your dreams.  Do just once what they say you can’t do, and you will never pay attention to their negativity again.  Don’t walk away from these negative people… RUN!  Good things happen when you distance yourself from negativity and those who create it.
Truth be told, no one has the right to judge you.  People may have heard your stories, but they can’t feel what you are going through; they aren’t living YOUR life.  So forget what they say about you.  Focus on how you feel about yourself, and do what you know in your heart is right.

4.  “I need recognition for my actions to be worthwhile.”

Do what you know is right.  Integrity is doing the right thing, no matter what, even when nobody’s going to know whether you did it or not.  Life always finds its balance.  Don’t expect to get back everything you give.  Don’t expect recognition for every effort you make.  And don’t expect your kindness to be instantly recognized or your love to be understood by everyone you encounter.
What seems like the right thing to do could also be the hardest thing you have ever done.  Do it anyway.  There is no greatness or peace of mind where there is betrayal of your own goodwill.  Always aim at complete sincerity of your thoughts, words and deeds.  If it is wrong, don’t do it.  If it is untrue, don’t repeat it.  Do what you do because you believe it’s the right thing to do.  Do the right thing even when nobody is looking.  Be one of the people who make a true difference in the world by leaving it a little better and more wholesome than you found it.

5.  “It’s too late for me.”

Don’t let yesterday steal your present.  Don’t judge yourself by your past… you don’t live there anymore.  Let go, grow, and move forward.  As we grow older and wiser, we begin to realize what we need and what we need to leave behind.  Sometimes walking away is a step forward.  Sometimes a break from your routine is exactly what you need.  Unless you try to master something beyond what you already know, you will feel forever stuck.
Don’t waste another minute regretting what you did yesterday, and start doing what you have to do now, so tomorrow you won’t regret what you did today.  It’s not too late.  If you feel like it is, it’s just your inner fears lying to you.  But remember, fear doesn’t exist anywhere except in your mind.  It’s difficult to follow your heart, but it’s a tragedy to let the lies of fear stop you.  (Read Awaken the Giant Within.)

6.  “I need to have it all figured out.”

Does the walker choose the path, or the path the walker?  Believe it or not, sometimes it’s the latter.
Sometimes the greatest dreams that come true are the dreams you never even knew you had.  It’s about open-minded exploration.  There are no wrong turns in life, only paths you didn’t know you were meant to walk.  You never can be certain what’s around the corner.  It could be everything, or it could be nothing.  You keep putting one foot in front of the other, and then one day you look back and realize you’ve climbed to the peak of the most beautiful mountaintop.

7.  “I do not have enough to be positive and grateful.”

Some days you’ll find diamonds and some days all you’ll see is coal.  However, every day is a golden opportunity to learn, practice gratitude, and positively impact the world around you.  Do not ask for instant fulfillment in your life, but for patience to accept your current frustrations.  Do not ask for perfection in all you do, but for the wisdom to not repeat past mistakes.  Do not ask for more before saying, “THANK YOU” for everything you have already received.
And remember, everything in life is temporary.  So if things are good, enjoy it.  It won’t last forever.  If things are bad, don’t worry because it won’t last forever either.  Just because life isn’t stress-free right now, doesn’t mean you can’t laugh.  Just because something is bothering you, doesn’t mean you can’t smile.  The trick is to be grateful when your mood is high and graceful when it is low.

8.  “My life should be easier and free of discomfort.”

Great challenges make life interesting; overcoming them makes life meaningful.  It’s how you deal with failure and discomfort that determines your level of success and happiness.  Laugh at your mistakes and learn from them.  Joke about your troubles and gather strength from them.  Have fun with the challenges you face and then conquer them.
Emotional discomfort in life, when accepted, rises, crests and crashes in a series of waves.  Each wave washes an old layer of you away and deposits treasures you never expected to find.  Out goes inexperience, in comes awareness; out goes frustration, in comes resilience; out goes hatred, in comes kindness.  No one would say these waves of emotional experience are easy to ride, but the rhythm of emotional discomfort that you learn to tolerate while doing so is natural, helpful and prevalent.  The discomfort eventually leaves you stronger and healthier than it found you.  (Read Man’s Search for Meaning.)

9.  “I can’t forgive them.”

Forgiveness is a promise.  When you forgive someone you are making a promise not to hold the unchangeable past against your present self.  Forgiveness doesn’t mean what happened was completely excusable, and it doesn’t necessarily mean that person should still be welcome in your life.  It simply means you have made peace with the pain, and are ready to let it go and move on with your life.
Forgiveness has nothing to do with freeing a criminal of his or her crime.  It has everything to do with freeing yourself of the burden of being a victim – letting go of the pain and transforming yourself from victim to victor.

10.  “I am alone.”

You can’t make it through on your own.  None of us can.  That’s why, thank goodness, you are never as alone as you sometimes feel.  So many of us are fighting the same exact battle alongside you.  You may feel alone sometimes, but you are not alone in being alone.
To lose sleep worrying about a loved one.  To have trouble picking yourself up after someone lets you down.  To feel rejected because someone didn’t care about you enough to stay.  To be afraid to try something new for fear you may fail.  None of this means you’re weird or dysfunctional.  It just means you’re human, and that you need a little time to regroup and recalibrate yourself.
No matter how embarrassed or pathetic you feel about your own situation, there are others out there experiencing the same emotions.  When you hear yourself say, “I am all alone,” it’s just your mind trying to sell you a lie.  There’s always someone who can relate to you.  Perhaps you can’t immediately talk to them, but they are out there, and that’s all you need to know right now.

Next steps…

If I eavesdropped on your self-talk, would I hear statements that empower happiness, or statements that refute it?  The next time you decide to unclutter your life and clean up your space, start with your intellectual space by clearing out the old lies and negative self-talk you often recite to yourself.

The floor is yours…

What would you add to the list?  What kind of negative self-talk do you need to stop?  What will you never say about yourself again?  Share your thoughts with us by leaving a comment below.
10 Things You Should Never Say About Yourself Photo by: Gianmaria Zanotti

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8 Things Extraordinary People Give to Others

post written by: Angel Chernoff

There is no exercise better for your heart than
reaching down and lifting others up.

Today, as I was sitting on the edge of a cliff at a local park, staring off into the distance and thinking about my day, I turned around to see a young lady who was almost in tears slowly walking down to where I was sitting.  I got up, walked up to her and asked, “What’s wrong?”  She told me she was deathly afraid of heights, but was worried about me and wanted to get over her fear because I looked lonely sitting by myself, and she wanted to make sure I was OK and in a healthy state of mind.
Her name is Kate, and her braveness and kindness blew my mind.
I spent the rest of the day thinking about what an extraordinary person Kate is and about what it means to be extraordinary.  Above all, I think, extraordinary people give generously in numerous ways.  Specifically, they give others…

1.  Reliable, sincere support.

The closest thing to being cared for is to care for others.  We are all in this together and we should treat each other as such.  The very demons that torment each of us, torment others all over the world.  It is our challenges and troubles that connect us at the deepest level.
If you think about the people who have had the greatest positive effect on your life – the ones who truly made a difference – you will likely realize that they aren’t the ones that tried to give you all the answers or solve all your problems.  They’re the ones who sat silently with you when you needed a moment to think, who lent you a shoulder when you needed to cry, and who tolerated not having all the answers, but stood beside you anyway.  Be this person for those around you every chance you get.

2.  Undivided attention and focus.

There is greatness and beauty in making time, especially when it’s inconvenient, for the sake of someone nearby.
You don’t have to tell people that you care, just show them.  In your relationships and interactions with others, nothing you can give is more appreciated than your sincere, focused attention.  Being with someone, listening without a clock and without anticipation of results is the ultimate compliment.  It is indeed the most valued gesture you can make to another human being.
When we pay attention to each other we breathe new life into each other.  With frequent attention and affection our relationships flourish, and we as individuals grow wiser and stronger.  We help heal each other’s wounds and support each other’s growth.  So give someone the gift of YOU – your time, undivided attention and kindness.  That’s better than any other gift, it won’t break or get lost, and will always be remembered.  

3.  The freedom to be themselves.

Life’s greatest privilege is to become who you truly are.  You have to dare to be yourself, one hundred percent, however anxious or odd that self may prove to be.  The people who support you in doing so are extraordinary.  Appreciate these people and their kindness, and pay it forward when you’re able.
Never bully someone into silence.  Never victimize others for being different.  Accept no one’s close-minded definition of another person.  Let people define themselves.  You have the ability to show people how awesome they are, just the way they are.  So act on this ability without hesitation; and don’t forget to show yourself the same courtesy.

4.  Their willingness to be open-minded and wrong.

The mind is like a parachute; it doesn’t work when it’s closed.
It’s okay to disagree with the thoughts or opinions expressed by others.  But that doesn’t give you the right to immediately reject any sense they might make.  Nor does it give you a right to accuse someone of poorly expressing their beliefs just because you don’t like what they are thinking and saying.  Learn to recognize the beauty of different ideas and perspectives, even if it means overcoming your pride and opening your mind beyond what is comfortable.
Healthy relationships and human interactions are not a power struggle.  Be willing to be wrong, while simultaneously exploring your truth.  (Read The Four Agreements.)

5.  A voice of inspiration and positivity.

If you attach to the negative behavior of others, it brings you and everyone close to you down to their level.  Stay positive when negativity surrounds you.  Smile when others frown.  It’s an easy way to make a difference.  Every time words are spoken, something is created.  Be conscious of what you say and how you say it.  Use words that build up, appreciate, encourage and inspire.
It’s your job to inspire and motivate others, to feed another’s senses with the ideas and endeavors that move you.  Inspiration and positivity begets inspiration and positivity times infinity.  Imagine if the people who were inspired to create the light bulb, the telephone, and the personal computer didn’t share it with the world.

6.  Recognition and praise.

A brave, extraordinary soul recognizes the strength of others.  Give genuine praise whenever possible.  Doing so is a mighty act of service.  Start noticing what you like about others and speak up.  Having an appreciation for how amazing the people around you are is extremely rewarding.  It’s an investment in them that doesn’t cost you a thing, and the returns can be astounding.  Not only will they feel empowered, but also what goes around comes around, and sooner or later the people you’re cheering for will start cheering for you too.
Also, be sure to follow this rule: “Praise in public, penalize in private.”  Never publicly ridicule someone when you have the option not to.  If you don’t understand someone, ask questions.  If you don’t agree with them, tell them.  But don’t judge them behind their back to everyone else.

7.  The compassion and space to save face.

What others say and do is often based entirely on their own self-reflection.  When someone who is angry and upset speaks to you, and you nevertheless remain very present and continue to treat them with kindness and respect, you place yourself in a position of great power.  You become a means for the situation to be graciously diffused and healed.
A Zen teacher once told me, “When somebody backs themselves into a corner, look the other way until they get themselves out; and then act as though it never happened.”  Allowing people to save face in this way, and not reminding them of what they already know is not their most intelligent behavior, is an act of great kindness.  This is possible when we realize that people behave in such ways because they are in a place of great suffering.  People react to their own thoughts and feelings and their behavior often has nothing directly to do with you.  (Read Buddha’s Brain.)

8.  Gentleness and consideration.

Be gentle and compassionate with those around you.  Mother Nature opens millions of flowers every day without forcing the buds.  Let this be a reminder not to be forceful with those around you, but to simply give them enough light and love, and an opportunity to grow naturally.
Ultimately, how far you go in life depends on your willingness to be helpful to the young, respectful to the aged, tender with the hurt, supportive of the striving, and tolerant of those who are weaker or stronger than the majority.  Because we wear many hats throughout the course of our lives, and at some point in your life you will have been all of these people.

Afterthoughts

The difference between ordinary people and extraordinary people is the word “extra.”  As Anne Frank once said, “No one has ever become poor by giving.”  Whenever you can, go out of your way and do something nice and unexpected for those around you, especially those who may never be able to repay you.  Be the “extra” in extraordinary.

Your turn…

In your mind, what makes a person extraordinary?  What else do extraordinary people give to others?  Leave us a comment below and share your thoughts.
Photo by: Jesslee Cuizon

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A Miracle Cure for Stress

post written by: Marc Chernoff

This guest post was written by Mary Jaksch, the author of Goodlife ZEN.

Do you feel like life is accelerating?  Maybe you look back at the last five years and wonder where time went.  It may even feel as if all that’s left is stress – without moments of joy and peace.
I must admit, I also feel like this sometimes.  But when I do, I reach for the miracle cure.  This miracle cure doesn’t come in a bottle.  We can’t buy it.

We already have the cure for stress within us.

I’m talking about the miracle of ‘Now’.  It’s quite amazing.  When we enter the ‘Now’ and become present - even just for a moment - stress dissolves.
How can we become present?
Awareness is the key to becoming present.  We often confuse awareness with concentration, but these two mind-states are very different.  Concentration is like a narrow beam of light shining on a task.
Awareness is the soft, full light of attention.
The word ‘attend’ implies that there is tenderness at work… that we are seeing with our heart.  Attention means paying tender regard to the beasts and birds, neighbors, coffee cups and pencil sharpeners.  When we pay tender regard to the dishes, even dish-washing becomes a joy.
Toni Packer, a contemporary meditation master says:

Attention comes from nowhere. It has no cause. It belongs to no-one.
When it functions effortlessly, there is no duality.

What she’s saying is that when we’re attending to the present moment, we lose the sharp distinction between the self locked in this skin-bag, and the world outside.
When we attend in this way, we feel the world open. And we make friends with our body.
Suddenly we become fully aware of the tenseness in our shoulders, the little bubble of hope in our mind, or the haze of sadness in our heart.  And with this awareness we find that people are friendlier and cats purr louder.

Paying tender regard is simple, but not easy.

We need to stay steady in the face of our changing moods and the stimuli bombarding our senses.
What’s the connection with stress?
When we are stressed, our mind is split.  One part is firmly focused on whatever is pressing in upon us, while the other part is giving minimal attention to whatever tasks need to be done quickly in the meantime.
Let me give you an example.  Imagine that you are late for work and you are rushing around your home in preparation to leave.  If a loved one starts telling you something important about what they are going to do today, how much of your attention is going to be focused on what they are telling you?  Not much, I would think.
When we become present, we stop being preoccupied.  In the space that opens for a moment, we can breathe deeply and listen deeply.  For a moment, stress slips off our shoulders.  And we can learn to have more and more moments of peacefulness in our life.
A student of mine wrote:

Each moment is a new opportunity.  The next one is as fresh and full of promise as the thousand before that you missed, and it is completely empty of any judgment whatsoever.  Nothing is carried over that you take with you.  You don’t have to pass a good-person exam before you enter, it is totally unconditional.  It’s as if it is saying… “Okay, so you missed me the last ten thousand moments, but look!  Here I am again… and again… and again!” And you are welcomed with open arms.

Here’s how to take the miracle medicine:

There is a very simple way to become present.  And the great thing is that the more you practice it, the easier it becomes.  You can try it right now.
Inhale deeply through your nose and exhale slowly through your mouth.  Listen to the sounds around you and feel the ground under your feet.  As soon as you are present, gently touch your thumb and forefinger together on each hand.
This light touch is the trigger that can help you access the present moment, and escape stress.
Whenever you feel stressed, stop for a moment, take one deep breath, and touch your thumbs and forefingers together.

Photo by: Chris Gin

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7 Sources of Stress You Tolerate Too Often

post written by: Marc Chernoff

i

“The most wasted of all days is one without laughter.”
―E.E. Cummings

Life is to be enjoyed and appreciated, not endured and tolerated.  Which is why today is a perfect day to stop tolerating…

1.  People who are purposely difficult.

Don’t let anyone’s negativity stop you from being happy.  Negative company will never give you a positive life.  Examine what you tolerate.  Every time you subtract negative from your life, you make room for more positive.  Happiness is found around encouraging, loving people.
Learning to ignore certain people is one of the great paths to inner peace.  Life gets easier when you delete those who make it difficult.

2.  Your attempts to live up to the expectations of others.

Remember, you can’t base your idea of success and happiness on other people’s opinions.  We’re not here to live up to each other’s expectations; we’re here to follow our own intuition and do our best.  When you clear out other people’s expectations, or the classic things you are “supposed” to want, you create the time needed to take steps towards your true destiny.
Bruce Lee once said, “I’m not in this world to live up to your expectations and you’re not in this world to live up to mine.”  Let this be your motto from this day forward.  

3.  Your own needless negativity.

Stop focusing on how stressed you are and remember how blessed you are.  Complaining won’t change the outcome, but a positive attitude will.  Life is too short to spend at war with yourself.  Practice acceptance and forgiveness.  Don’t let dumb little things break your happiness.
True wealth is the ability to experience and appreciate each moment for what it’s worth.  It is not what happens to you, but how you respond to what happens to you. Count your blessings while others are adding up their troubles.  No matter how bad it hurts now, someday you will look back and realize today’s struggles made you a much stronger person.  So always laugh when you can; it’s the cheapest medicine.  When you smile about the life you live, you end up living a life worth smiling about.

4.  The itch of old wounds from the past.

The first step to living the life you want is leaving the life you don’t want.  Letting go of the past is your first step towards happiness.
You are not your past failures.  You are not your past habits.   You are not how others have at one time treated you.  You are only who you think you are right now in this moment.  You are only what you do right now in this moment.
You are here for a special reason.  Stop being a prisoner of your past.  Become the architect of your present and future.  Learn from your regrets, but do not punish yourself with them.  Live beyond your petty, fleeting fears and focus on the profound possibilities that await your immediate attention.  (Read The Untethered Soul.)

5.  The excuses you keep making for procrastinating.

Today, stop making excuses for why you can’t get it done and start focusing on all the reasons why you must make it happen.  Stop talking about what you have done or what you are going to do.  Just do it and let your actions speak for themselves.  Most great things in life don’t happen by chance, they happen by choice.  You never know what’s possible until you risk finding out.
Remember, it’s always better to look ahead and prepare than to look back and regret.  In the end, there is only one thing that makes your dreams and goals completely impossible to achieve:  Your lack of action.

6.  A “safe” lifestyle void of excitement and passion.

You deserve to be happy.  You deserve to live a life you are excited about.  Don’t let others make you forget that.  Don’t play it so safe that you put yourself in situations where none of your potential options satisfy your calling.
Have you ever tucked something of value in a “safe place” out of fear that you might lose it?  And then one day awoke to the realization that you hid it so well, even YOU can no longer find it?  If so, then you understand the wisdom of leaving your heart and dreams unlocked and open.  To reach for what can be, even when you’re doubtful…  To let go of what is lost, even when it’s painful…  To live as though you’re brave, even when you’re fearful…  These are the trials you face and the choices you must make along the path to happiness and success.
Close your eyes for a moment and ask yourself this:  Isn’t it better to be extremely happy for a while, even if you eventually lose it, than to be just okay for your whole life?  (Read Buddha’s Brain.)

7.  Self-neglect.

The most difficult phase of life is not when no one understands you, it’s when you don’t understand yourself.  It is easy to live for others, and so many people do, but I challenge you to live for yourself and your own values, ideas, and dreams.  Believe in yourself.  Listen to your soul.  Yes, help others, but don’t neglect YOU in the process.  Give yourself the time you deserve.
Live your life so that when you’re old, you never have to let the person you became fantasize about the person you were capable of being.  And someday when it’s time to ask where all the time went, you can answer, “It went to joyful moments of self-discovery, to passionate endeavors, to doing work that felt like play, to standing up for what I believe in, and to exploring this beautiful world with an open heart.  My time went to living MY life!”

Afterthoughts

Needless tolerations can bleed you dry and make it impossible for you to function effectively.  You can’t live a happy, fulfilling life if you’re spending all your energy tolerating things that shouldn’t be tolerated.  It’s time to put your foot down.
Remember, life is change, but growth is optional.  So choose wisely starting now.  Let today be the first day of the rest of your new life…

Your turn…

What would you add to this post?  What sources of stress do you tolerate too often?  Please leave us a comment below and share your thoughts.
Photo by: Striatic

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10 Ways to Live Life with No Regrets

post written by: Marc Chernoff

As Kurt Vonnegut once said, “Of all the words of mice and men, the saddest are:  “It might have been.”
Forget the past.  Forget your age.  Today is the first day of the rest of your life.  At the end of it, let there be no excuses, no explanations, and no regrets.
Here are ten ideas to get you there…

1. Wear your truth. – As long as you keep being YOU, as long as you keep staying true to yourself and the passions that move you, it doesn’t matter how many jobs you get or don’t get, how many mistakes you make, or how many times you have to pull a u-turn.  None of it matters.  What matters is that you’re living in your truth.  The people who need you will eventually find you – the real you.  And you will find the people you need.  You will find the answers you need.  But more importantly, you will find the questions you would have never thought to ask.  Read The Art of Non-Conformity.
2. Take time before it’s too late. – Before you know it you’ll be asking, “How did it get so late so soon?”  Take time to figure yourself out.  Take time to realize what it is you want.  Take time to take risks.  Take time to love, laugh, cry, and forgive.  Life is shorter than it often seems.  Take time before it’s too late.  Look straight ahead and say “YES” to the opportunities coming your way.  Happiness and success never come to look for you while you wait around.  You’ve got to get out there, take chances, and work at it to make your dreams come true.
3. Be the leader of your own journey. – There are far too many capable people who don’t pursue their dreams and goals because they let their fears and others talk them out of it.  They give up before they even try, and simply let life’s river flow them downstream.  Choose to be stronger than that.  Choose to swim upstream when you have to.  Choose to do the things in life that move you.  Let others lead small lives.  Let others argue over small things.  Let others cry over small wounds.  Let others leave their future in someone else’s hands.  But not you.  Read Quitter.
4. Take calculated risks. – There is no excuse for being an amateur forever.  Life is short.  The day is rapidly approaching when the risk to remain perched in your nest is far more detrimental than the risk it takes to fly.  Fly!  Spread your wings.  Start now.  What a disgrace it would be for you to grow old without ever seeing the beauty and strength of your full potential.
5. Change your thoughts. – Thoughts are power.  They create and destroy.  What is possible is everything.  What you do is up to you.  Look around and you will see that almost your entire life has been born out of your thoughts.  Know this, and plant your seeds accordingly.  You can change your mind at any moment.  So go ahead.  Change it right now.
6. Think you CAN. – If it doesn’t challenge you, it won’t change you.  And change breeds growth.  So when a goal seems big and a plan looks tough, just start, push through it for awhile, and soon the next thing you need to do will look possible.  Step by step you can get through anything – this is the truth and you have to believe it.  In the end, you’re going to succeed because you’re crazy enough to think you can.
7. Concentrate on being your best self. – Negativity becomes a life altering habit, just the same as positivity; the difference is the amount of belief you hold in yourself, and how you use this belief to fuel your growth.  Never think that what you have to offer is insignificant.  When the time is right, there will be forces out there in need of exactly what you have to offer.  So hang in there, stay positive, and remember that the connections you’re looking for in life typically become visible when you’re working hard at being your best self, and not looking at all.
8. Pay attention to life while you’re living it. – Realize that life is simply a collection of little chances for happiness, each lived one second at a time.  That some time each day should be spent noticing the beauty in the space between the big events.  That moments of dreaming and sunsets and refreshing breezes cannot be bettered.  But most of all, realize that life is about being here and now, watching and listening without a clock and without anticipation of results at every moment, and sometimes, on good days, for letting these little moments fill your heart with passion and love.  Read The Power of Now.
9. Share your love openly and honestly with those you love. – No matter what, you’re going to lose people in your life.  Realize that no matter how much time you spend with someone, or how much you appreciate them, sometimes it will never seem like you had enough time together.  Don’t learn this lesson the hard way.  Express your love.  Tell people what you need to tell them.  Don’t shy away from important conversations because you feel awkward or uncomfortable.  You never know when you might lose your opportunity.
10. Say “goodbye” so you can say “hello.” – In life, goodbyes are a gift.  When certain people walk away from you, and certain opportunities close their doors on you, there is no need to hold onto them or pray to keep them present in your life.  If they close you out, take it as a direct indication that these people, circumstances and opportunities are not part of the plan for the next step of your life.  It’s a hint that your personal growth requires someone different and something more, and life is simply making room.  So embrace your goodbyes, because every “goodbye” you receive sets you up for an even better “hello.”

Photo by: J.T. Noriega

10 Ways to Create Your Own Good Luck

post written by: Marc Chernoff

Diligence is the mother of good luck.
-Benjamin Franklin 

I have great news!  Today could be your lucky day.  It’s not a matter of chance, it’s a matter of choice.  Lucky people are ordinary people who create their own good luck by practicing simple luck-producing habits.  Here’s what you need to do:

Constantly try new things.

There’s a saying that the definition of madness is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.  If you want to improve your luck, you have to try new things to see what works and what doesn’t.
Unlucky people tend to be creatures of habit.  They take the same route to and from work every single day, talk to the same types of people at social functions, and live out the same routine day in and day out.
In contrast, lucky people try to introduce variety into their lives.  For example, one lucky friend I know recently described how he thought of a color before arriving at a business convention and then introduced himself to people wearing that color.  This kind of behavior boosts the likelihood of chance opportunities by introducing variety into an otherwise status-quo situation.  And in my friend’s particular case, his (somewhat odd) tactic led to a fairly substantial contract deal with a new client.

Think about how lucky you are right now.

Lucky people tend to see the positive side of their ill fortune.  They imagine how things could have been so much worse.  For instance, I met a rather cheerful, successful and lucky business client recently who showed up to our meeting with a cast from shoulder to wrist on her left arm.  She then explained to me how she had fallen down a flight of stairs.  “But I am the luckiest person alive,” she continued.  “I walked away from that fall with a broken arm instead of a broken neck.”
Another interesting example of this is how research suggests that Olympic athletes who win bronze medals are typically happier than their Silver medalist counterparts.  This is because silver medalists think that if they had performed slightly better they might have won a gold medal.  In contrast, bronze medalists focus on how if they’d performed slightly worse, they wouldn’t have won anything.
Having a positive outlook on life is a must if you are to become a luckier person.  If your outlook on life is doom and gloom, then that’s all you’ll experience.  Fortunately, the opposite is also true.  You control your luck and your life by controlling your thoughts.
Look around.  Appreciate the things you have right now.  Many people aren’t so lucky.  Read The Power of Positive Thinking.

Notice little things and solve small problems.

I chatted with an aspiring web application developer recently who was complaining that all the big ideas were being worked on already and that there was nothing groundbreaking left to do.  As he talked, I realized he was referencing massive projects that others were working on that seemed mostly out of reach.  And as I thought about all these ‘grand ideas’ I realized that in most cases they probably didn’t start with a massive plan or project, but rather started by trying to solve a simple problem.
This is the impression I get when I read about the early stages of companies like Google.  I’m pretty sure Google’s founders didn’t have the goal of organizing the all of the world’s information as their primary focus when they first started – instead they started with a series of smaller problems (problems are potential opportunities) and slowly expanded their end goal from there.

Work on things you’re passionate about.

Some of us were born to be musicians – to communicate intricate thoughts and rousing feelings with the strings of a guitar.  Some of us were born to be poets – to touch people’s hearts with exquisite prose.  Some of us were born to be entrepreneurs – to create growth and opportunity where others saw rubbish.  And still, some of us were born to do whatever it is, specifically, that moves you.
Don’t waste your life fulfilling someone else’s dreams and desires.  You must follow your intuition.  Good luck and true wealth come naturally to those who are passionate about their work.  Read Quitter.

Establish relationships with people who share your interests.

If you’re already passionate about something, finding and connecting with others who share your passionate viewpoint can help you in numerous ways.  You can tap into their knowledge on the topic, share your own ideas and experiences, and often share and learn things outside of your common interest area.
Make an extra effort to reach out to people who you’ve identified as having an interest overlap.  If you happen to meet someone casually who has an interest overlap with you, don’t hesitate, jump on board with that connection.  It can provide a great opportunity for you to build a friendship in an unexpected place.
Share your skills, ideas, and knowledge freely with others.  If you’re already involved in a group with a particular interest, make an effort to reach out to newcomers.  Not only will a friendly face help to encourage them to get involved, they’ll often hold you in high regard, as you’re the one who broke down some of that ‘newness’ barrier for them.  Similarly, when people come to such meetings looking for help, don’t hesitate to assist in any way you can.

Help others out when you’re able.

Remember, in life, you get what you put in.  Luck often comes in the form of help when you need it, and the best way to ‘grease the rails’ for help when you’ll eventually need it is by helping others right now.  If you’re presented with an opportunity to help – particularly one that you can fulfill without infringing on your other responsibilities – the luckiest thing you can possibly do is help in every way you possibly can.
And when you help others, don’t expect something in return. Instead, just enjoy the experience of helping that person out and building a stronger personal relationship with them. That stronger relationship will be there for you later on in your time of need – just trust in it and be a helpful friend whenever you can.

Take calculated risks.

Lucky people take more risks.  This doesn’t mean they gamble their livelihood by taking ill-advised risks on sketchy business opportunities.  Taking a risk can be calculated – you weigh your options, know what you can afford to lose, and go for it.  If it doesn’t work out, you go for it again when you can afford to lose a little more.
When you take small, calculated risks, either you succeed or you learn something.  Win-Win.  Remember, if you never act, you will never know for sure, and you will be left standing in the same unlucky spot forever.

Pay close attention to the present.

Unlucky people often dwell on mistakes from the past, obsessing about the bad luck that put them in their present unlucky situation, or they concern themselves too much with future ideals.  Lucky people, on the other hand, concentrate on the present moment.
Life is happening right now.  You can’t learn something new or uncover a new opportunity that’s happening now if your mind is stuck in another time.  Opportunities present themselves every day, all around you, but you have to pay close attention to your surroundings to notice them.  Read The Power of Now.

Identify the lesson.

Everything is a life lesson.  Everyone you meet, everything you encounter, etc.  They’re all part of the learning experience we call ‘life.’
Never forget to acknowledge the lesson, especially when things don’t go your way.  If you don’t get a job you wanted or a relationship doesn’t work, it only means something better is out there waiting.  And the lesson you just learned is the first step towards it.
Remember, having good luck is a choice.  Use all of the lessons you learn to make educated decisions and create good luck for yourself in the future.

Work toward your goals every day without fail.

The harder you work, the luckier you will become.  Stop waiting around for things to work out on their own.  They won’t.  If you keep doing what you’re doing, you’ll keep getting what you’re getting.
While many of us decide at some point during the course of our lives that we want to answer our calling, only an astute few of us actually work on it.  By ‘working on it,’ I mean truly devoting oneself to the end result.  The rest of us never act on our decision.  Or, at best, we pretend to act on it by putting forth an uninspired, half-assed effort.
If you want good luck in your life, you’ve got to be willing to give it 100% every day.  No slacking off!  Achieving your goals and dreams can be a lot of work.  Be ready for it.  Read Getting Things Done for some practical guidance in this arena.
Photo by: Matthew Fang

10 Risks Happy People Take Every Day

post written by: Marc Chernoff

“You cannot protect yourself from sadness
without protecting yourself from happiness.”
―Jonathan Foer

Almost two decades ago, somewhat as a joke since she tutored me throughout grade school, I asked my grandmother to sign my yearbook.  This was her closing paragraph:
“The best thing you can do from this day forward is to follow your intuition.  Take risks.  Don’t just make the safe and easy choices because you’re afraid of what could happen.  If you do, very little worth remembering will ever happen.”
Years later, as I grew interested in the psychology of happiness, I realized how pertinent my grandmother’s words were.  Risk is an inherent part of living a good life.  Without taking risks, you cannot truly live… you merely exist.  Which is why the happiest among us take small risks every day.  Let’s take a look at ten examples, and examine some ideas on how to implement them in your own life.

1.  They risk the possibility of being hurt.

As you grow up, you will learn that even the one person who wasn’t supposed to ever let you down probably will in some small way.  You will have your heart broken probably more than once.  You too will inadvertently break some hearts, so remember how it felt when yours was broken.  You’ll occasionally argue with your closest friends.  You’ll blame new loves for things an old one did.  You’ll cry because time is passing too fast, and you’ll eventually lose someone you thought you couldn’t live without.  This is what happens when you open your heart and mind to the greatest joys of life.
Chuck Palahniuk once said, “The only way to find true happiness in life is to risk being completely cut open.”  Nothing could be closer to the truth.  Anybody who is capable of living and loving is bound to get hurt at some point, but that’s a risk that’s well worth the reward.  The result is a life filled with honesty and love.
So take too many pictures, laugh too much, and love like you’ve never been hurt.  Don’t be afraid that your days will end in pain, be afraid they will never begin with honesty and love.  Life is too short to let it pass by.  Open your heart and mind and live it to the fullest!

2.  They risk being real in front of others.

You don’t need everyone to like you.  You are a piece of art.  Not everyone is going to see your beauty.  Ultimately, it’s YOUR opinion of yourself that matters, and if someone doesn’t like it, forget about them.  Stop being a people-pleaser all the time, because when you go around pleasing everyone but yourself, you are the one that gets hurt.
Your value doesn’t decrease based on someone’s inability to see your worth.  It’s their loss, not yours.  So be careful not to give so much of yourself to others that you end up completely losing yourself.  In the end you will know who truly loves you; they’re the ones who respect you for who you are, and no matter what, they stand by your side.  Surround yourself with these people. 

3.  They risk missing out on something new, so they can appreciate what they have.

You will always be missing out on something.  You simply can’t have it all.  Thus it will always seem like something wonderful might be happening elsewhere.  And that’s OK.  Let it go, and realize you have everything right now.  The best in life isn’t somewhere else; it’s right where you are at this moment.  You have to accept that some things will never be yours, and learn to value the things that are only yours.
What you take for granted, someone else is praying for.  Happiness never comes to those who don’t appreciate what they already have.  Don’t wait until what you HAVE becomes what you HAD.  Pause and appreciate all the good things you have in your life right now, as they are happening.

4.  They risk helping others without expectations.

As Ralph Waldo Emerson once said, “The purpose of life is not to simply be happy.  It is to be useful, to be honorable, to be compassionate, to have it make some difference that you have lived and lived well.”
Happiness doesn’t come through selfishness, but through selflessness.  Everything you do comes back around.  Greet people with a smile.  Encourage them.  Compliment them.  Notice their progress, cheer them on, and help them smile.  Smiles are contagious.  The more happiness you help others find in life, the more happiness you will find.

5.  They risk taking full responsibility for their own happiness.

Remember, happiness comes from your own choices and actions.  Waiting for someone else to make you happy is the best way to be sad.  The more you take responsibility for your past and present, the more you are able to create the future you seek.
So stop blaming others for what you have or don’t have, or for what you feel or don’t feel.  When you blame others for what you’re going through, you deny responsibility and perpetuate the problem.  Stop giving your power away and start taking responsibility for your life.  Blaming is just another sorry excuse, and making excuses is the first step towards both misery and failure.  YOU, and only you, are responsible for your decisions; make a good one right now that your future self will thank you for.  (Read Buddha’s Brain.)

6.  They risk the consequences of taking action.

Today is a new day – a new beginning.  You have been given this day to use as you please.  You can waste it or you can use it for something worthwhile.  Either way, what you do today is important because you are exchanging a day of your life for it.  You can’t always wait for the perfect time, because there may be no such thing. Sometimes you must dare to jump.
It is only possible to live happily ever after on a daily basis.  Laziness and procrastination may appear attractive, but action leads to happiness.  Great challenges make life interesting; overcoming them makes life meaningful.  When tomorrow comes, today will be gone forever.  In its place will be something that you have left behind.  Let it be something worthwhile – something you are thankful for.

7.  They risk bearing the discomfort of growth.

Needless worry gives small things a big shadow.  In the end, you can either focus on what’s tearing you apart, or what’s holding you together.  You have to roll with life instead of against it.  And sorry for spoiling the ending for you… but everything is going to be OK – you just need to learn a lesson or two first.
Don’t run from the realities of your present struggles.  The pain and defeat contained within them are necessary to your long-term growth.  Remember, there is a difference between encountering defeats and being defeated.  Nothing ever goes away until it teaches you what you need to know to grow.

8.  They risk the possibility of failing.

If you are too afraid of failure, you can’t possibly do what needs to be done to succeed in living a fulfilling life.  The key is to get comfortable with being uncomfortable.  Comfort is state of being in which to find rest and renewal for a short time; it is a dreary and dismal place to remain permanently.  If you don’t challenge yourself on a regular basis, by taking small steps into unfamiliar territory, your abilities and effectiveness will become stale and weak.  The reason life can be so rewarding is precisely because nothing is guaranteed.
Some of your best life experiences and opportunities will come to you only after you dare to lose.  When your efforts are met with failure, you know you are on to something; because on the flip-side of that failure is a real, substantial accomplishment that doesn’t come easy.  Your failed attempt is simply evidence that you are reaching higher.  And “higher” is always the best direction to travel in.  (Read The Road Less Traveled.)

9.  They risk being disappointed by accepting the truth.

Down days and disappointments are completely normal, and not something you should feel guilty about having.  Happiness is never constant.  Surrendering to your sadness, or whatever negative emotion is trying to come to the surface, does not make you a bad person.  But remember, if you aren’t sincerely thankful for every smile, don’t be totally shocked by every tear.  Keep things in perspective.
Once you embrace unpleasant news, not as a negative but as evidence of a need for positive change, you’re learning from it and growing.  Whatever life throws at you, even if it hurts, be strong and fight through it.  Remember, strong walls shake but never collapse.  Life always offers you another chance… it’s called tomorrow.

10.  They risk letting go and starting anew.

Holding on to what’s no longer there holds too many of us back.  Some of us spend the majority of our lives recounting the past and letting it steer the course of the present.  Don’t waste your time trying to live in another time and place.  Let the past GO!  You must accept the end of something in order to begin to build something new.  So close some old doors today.  Not because of pride, inability or egotism, but simply because you’ve entered each one of them in the past and realize that they lead to nowhere.
When we continue to repeat a story in our head, as all of us do, we eventually believe that story and embrace it – whether it empowers us or not.  So the question is:  Does your story empower you?  Don’t place your past mishaps on your mind, their weight may crush your current potential.  Instead, place them under your feet and use them as a platform to view the horizon.  Remember, all things are difficult before they are easy.  What matters the most is what you start doing now.

Next steps…

Remember, what counts the most is not what you learned by reading this article, but how you apply the knowledge.  You must take action.  So start small, but start now.
Choose one of the ten points above that speaks to you and practice working on it today, tomorrow and every day for the next few months.  Eventually, one day, without even thinking about it you’ll start doing it automatically.  And you’ll suddenly realize that your diligent practice has evolved into a permanent, internalized habit of happiness.

Your turn…

What would you add to this post?  What risks must you be willing to take to be happy?  Please leave a comment below and share your thoughts with the community.
Photo by: Stuart Anthony

Terrified In Life or Bored Until Death? I’d Rather Be Terrified!

 post written by: Marc Chernoff

The optional risk associated with free choice is the greatest catch-22 in life.  When presented with the choice, do you try something new or do you accept the proverbial zone of comfort for which you are already well acquainted?  So many of us complain about the boring cycle of repetition present in our weekly routines, yet we choose no clear course for correction.  Why?  The reason is simple.  The very source of our boredom also provides a solid foundation of unadulterated comfort.  We are comforable with our current surroundings.  Steering off the known track is risky, and we are terrified of what might happen if we do.
So, what happens when we stick to the current track?  Nothing!  Nothing new will ever happen.  We jog along the same circular track at a steady pace daily.  We pass by the same mile marker at the exact moment we did yesterday, and the day before, and the week before that.  There is not a worry on our minds because we already know the terrain that lies ahead.  We do feel a slight sense of redundant boredom, yet we immediately fall numb to the rhythmic sensation of familiarity in a zone of absolute comfort.
Someday we must break the cycle.  We must choose risk over refuge.  We must act on chance when we have the choice.  We must ask ourselves, would we rather be terrified in life or bored until death?  As for me, if I had the choice to be eternally bored or terrified on occasion, I’d much rather be terrified.  How about you?

9 Warning Signs You’re On the Wrong Track

post written by: Marc Chernoff

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“May you live every day of your life.”
―Jonathan Swift

A few years ago one of our close friends unexpectedly passed away at age 27.  Angel and I spent several weeks mourning, reflecting, and re-evaluating our purpose and path forward.  The aftermath of this tragedy reframed our thinking on many levels, and completely overhauled how we approach our lives, our dreams, and our relationships.
We suddenly realized how the fragility of life makes every moment so meaningful, and that most of us waste far too many moments immersing ourselves in needless distractions that steal our attention away from the things that actually matter.
If you feel like you’re on the wrong track with what matters most to you, here are nine warning signs to look for, and tips to get you back on track:

1.  All the decisions you’ve made someone else made for you.

There are people who live their entire lives on the default settings, never realizing they can customize everything.  Don’t be one of them.
You have to live your own life your own way.  That’s all there is to it.  Each of us has a unique fire in our heart for something that makes us feel alive.  It’s your duty to find it and keep it lit.  You’ve got to stop caring so much about what everyone else wants for you, and start actually living for yourself.
Find your love, your talents, your passions and embrace them.  Don’t hide behind other people’s decisions.  Don’t let others tell you what you want.  Design and experience YOUR life!  The life you create from doing something that moves you is far better than the life you get from sitting around wishing you were doing it. 

2.  You’re only doing what you’re doing because it’s safe.

Never let your fear decide your future.  To play it too safe is one of the riskiest choices you can make.  You cannot grow unless you are willing to change and adapt.  You will never improve yourself if you cling to what used to be simply because it’s familiar and comfortable.
Accept what is, let go of what was and have faith in what could be.  The bold steps you take into the unknown won’t be easy, but every step is worth it.  There’s no telling how many miles you will have to run while chasing a dream, but this chase is what gives meaning to life.  And even if you have to fail several times before you succeed, your worst attempt will always be 100% better than the person who settles and never tries at all.

3.  You have chosen the easiest possible path.

Nothing in life is easy. Don’t expect things to be given to you.  Go out and achieve them.  Good things come to those who work for them.  Some have natural talent, while others make up for it with tremendous heart and determination, and it’s almost always the latter group that succeeds in the long run.
There is too much emphasis on finding a ‘quick fix’ in today’s society.  For example taking diet pills to lose weight instead of exercising and eating well.  No amount of magic fairy dust replaces diligent, focused, hard work.
Working and training for something is the opposite of hoping for it.  If you believe in it with all your heart, then work for it with all your might.  Great achievements must be earned.  There is no elevator to success; you must take the stairs.  So forget how you feel and remember what you deserve.  NOW is always the best time to break out of your shell and show the world who you really are and what you’re really made of.  Start right where you are, use what you have, do what you can, and give it your best shot.

4.  Obstacles are all you see.

The big difference between an obstacle and an opportunity is how you look at it.  Look at the positives and don’t dwell on the negatives.  If you keep your head down, you’ll miss life’s goodness.
There’s no shortage of problems waiting to be addressed.  When you see problems piled on top of problems, and when there seems to be no end to the work that must be done in order to resolve them, what are you really seeing?  You’re looking at a mountain of opportunity.  You’re looking at a situation in which you can truly make a difference.  You’re looking at an environment where you can reach great heights by raising the stakes and pulling the reality of what’s possible along with you.
When you look at an obstacle, but see opportunity instead, you become a powerful source that transforms grief into greatness.  (Read Flourish.)

5.  You are working hard, but making zero progress.

To achieve success and sustain happiness in life, you must focus your attention on the right things, in the right ways.  Every growing human being (that means all of us) has resource constraints: limited time and energy.  It is critical that you spend your resources effectively.  You have to stay laser-focused on doing the RIGHT work, instead of doing a bunch of inconsequential work, right.
Not all work is created equal.  Don’t get caught up in odd jobs, even those that seem urgent, unless they are also important.  Don’t confuse being busy with being productive.

6.  You have a started a dozen projects and completed none of them.

We are judged by what we finish, not what we start.  Period.
Think about it, you rarely fail for the things you do.  You fail for the things you don’t do, the business you leave unfinished, and the things you make excuses about for the rest of your life.
In all walks of life, passion is what starts it and dedication is what finishes it.

7.  You are too busy to connect with others in a meaningful way.

Never get so busy making a living that you forget to make a life for yourself.  Never get so busy that you don’t have time to be kind and connect with others.  The happiest lives are connected to quality relationships.  If you are too busy to share an occasional laugh with someone, you are too busy.
Truth be told, sometimes we’re so busy watching out for what’s just ahead of us that we don’t take time to enjoy where we are and who we’re with.  So lift your head up today and appreciate those standing beside you.  The people you take for granted today may turn out to be the only ones you need tomorrow.
Oh, and if you’re currently on the fast track to success, be sure to be nice to people on your way up, because you might meet them again on your way back down.  Remember life is a circle.  Everything comes back around.

8.  The people you make time for don’t make time for you.

Wrong things happen when you trust and worry about the wrong people.  Don’t make too much time for people who rarely make time for you, or who only make time for you when it’s convenient for them.  Know your worth.  Know the difference between what you’re getting from people and what you deserve.
Surround yourself with those who will support you when it rains, not just when it shines.  And above all, remember that people come and people go.  That’s life.  You have to stop holding on to those who have let go of you long ago.  (Read Emotional Blackmail.)

9.  You are playing a role in life’s drama circle.

Needless drama doesn’t just walk into your life out of nowhere; you either create it, invite it or associate with those who bring it.  Do not let anyone’s ignorance, hate, drama or negativity stop you from being the best person you can be.
Be an example of a pure existence.  Don’t spew hostile words at someone who spews them at you.  Ignore their foolish antics and focus on kindness.  Communicate and express yourself from a place of peace, from a place of love, with the best intentions.  Use your voice for good – to inspire, to encourage, to educate, and to spread the notions of compassion and understanding.
If someone insists on foisting their hostility and drama on you, simply ignore them and walk away.  Sometimes people will talk about you when they envy the life you lead.  Let them be.  You affected their life; don’t let them affect yours.  Those who create their own drama deserve their own karma.  Don’t get sidetracked by people who are not on track.

Next steps…

If you are reading this, smile.  Although nothing in life is ever guaranteed, you can always choose to make the present a positive, productive experience.
What you do with this moment is what’s most important, because the present is the steering wheel of your life.  The only difference between where you are and where you want to be, at any point in time, is what you are presently doing.  Your present actions can instantly steer you onto the right track.  From this moment forward everything changes if you want it to.  You simply have to decide what to do right now.

Your turn…

In what way have you traveled down the wrong track in life?  What have you learned and what changes have you made?  Leave us a comment below and share your thoughts.
Photo by: Dustin McClure

12 Relationship Truths We Often Forget

post written by: Marc Chernoff

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It’s easy to make your relationships more complicated than they are.  Here are twelve simple reminders to help you keep them on course.

1. All successful relationships require some work. – They don’t just happen, or maintain themselves.  They exist and thrive when the parties involved take the risk of sharing what it is that’s going on in their minds and hearts.  Open communication and honesty is the key.  (Read The Road Less Traveled.)
2. Most of the time you get what you put in. – If you want love, give love.  If you want friends, be friendly.  If you’d like to feel understood, try being more understanding.  It’s a simple practice that works.
3. You shouldn’t have to fight for a spot in someone’s life. – Never force someone to make a space in their life for you, because if they know your worth, they will create one for you.
4. There is a purpose for everyone you meet. – Some people will test you, some will use you, and some will teach you; but most importantly some will bring out the best in you.  Learn to see and accept the differences between these people, and carry on accordingly.
5. We all change, and that’s okay. – Our needs change with time.  When someone says, “You’ve changed,” it’s not always a bad thing.  Sometimes it just means you stopped living your life their way.  Don’t apologize for it.  Instead, be open and sincere, explain how you feel, and keep doing what you know in your heart is right.
6. You are in full control of your own happiness. – If your relationship with yourself isn’t working, don’t expect your other relationships to be any different.  Nobody else in this world can make you happy.  It’s something you have to do on your own.  And you have to create your own happiness first before you can share it with someone else.  If you feel that it’s your partner’s fault, think again, and look within yourself to find out what piece is missing.  Your partner can never ‘complete’ you because you are already whole.  The longing for completion that you feel inside comes from being out of touch with who you are.  (Read Stumbling on Happiness.)
7. Forgiving others helps YOU. – Forgiveness is not saying, “What you did to me is okay.”  It is saying, “I’m not going to let what you did to me ruin my happiness forever.”  Forgiveness is the answer.  It doesn’t mean you’re erasing the past, or forgetting what happened. It means you’re letting go of the resentment and pain, and instead choosing to learn from the incident and move on with your life.
8. You can’t change people; they can only change themselves. – Instead of trying to change others, give them your support and lead by example.  If there’s a specific behavior someone you love has that you’re hoping disappears over time, it probably won’t.  If you really need them to change something, be honest and put all the cards on the table so this person knows what you need them to do.
9. Heated arguments are a waste of time. – The less time you spend arguing with the people who hurt you, the more time you’ll have to love the people who love you.  And if you happen to find yourself arguing with someone you love, don’t let your anger get the best of you.  Give yourself some time to calm down and then gently discuss the situation.  (Read The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People.)
10. You are better off without some people. – When you have to start compromising yourself and your morals for the people around you, it’s probably time to change the people around you. If someone continuously mistreats you or pushes you in the wrong direction, have enough respect for yourself to walk away from them. It may hurt for a little while, but it’ll be ok. You’ll be ok, and far better off in the long run.
11. Small gestures of kindness go a long way. – Honor your important relationships in some way every chance you get.  Every day you have the opportunity to make your relationship sweeter and deeper by making small gestures to show your appreciation and affection.  Remember, making one person smile can change the world.  Maybe not the whole world, but their world.  Your kindness and gratitude matters.
12. Even the best relationships don’t last forever. – People don’t live forever.  Appreciate what you have, who loves you and who cares for you.  You’ll never know how much they mean to you until the day they are no longer beside you.  And remember, just because something doesn’t last forever, doesn’t mean it wasn’t worth your while.

Photo by: Josh Liba

10 Truths You Will Learn Before You Find Happiness

post written by: Angel Chernoff

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by Bernadette Logue

“Happiness is when what you think, what you say,
and what you do are in harmony.”
―Mahatma Gandhi

We are all beautiful human beings here in this world trying to find our way.  Every day we seek to better understand the meaning of our lives.  We long to discover our gifts and release them fully into the world, and we hope to find happiness and peace along the way.  For some of us the key to these desires rings loud and clear, driving what we do and how we do it.  For others, these deep seeded needs are buried below the noise of daily life, below ego, below fear, below the pressures and norms that we face in society… and thus, they are rarely addressed.
Along my own journey of self-actualization, I’ve witnessed dozens of great people discover their own paths to happiness and self-fulfillment, and I’ve noticed many common themes emerge.  In all cases, the happiness they discover and gradually develop internally is seeded by the realization of certain fundamental truths.
It seems we are all here to realize these truths, in our own way, in our own time.  And once they resonate fully, not just intellectually, but emotionally and spiritually, we are then able to find the happiness and peace we seek…
1.  It’s impossible for anyone else to define YOU. You are indefinable.  You are the only one in this world who gets to say who you are.  Circumstances and the opinions of others can only define you if you allow them to.  Do not give away your power and the magic of your essence by putting weight on negative situations in your life or the negative words of other people.

2.  You were born with everything you need.

There is nothing you are missing.  There is no need to frantically become more, be more, do more, or get more.  You are whole and complete, and were gifted every talent and insight you needed to thrive in this world in the moment you were born.  Your only job is to accept this truth and then allow it to unfold.  Some gifts don’t become apparent until later in life.  Some insights only become clear to you once you have life experiences that unlock such wisdom from within you.  Trust in this and relax.

3.  Perfection is a man-made illusion.

We are beautifully imperfect beings, operating in a very imperfect world, and that is just the way it is meant to be.  Striving for perfection is a hollow goal, one that can never be achieved.  Society shows us doctored images of perfection constantly in marketing, media, opinions and expectations.  Do not buy into this illusion; it will only lead you into darkness.  Embrace your quirks, your flaws and the fact that life is a roller coaster at times.  Strive for excellence, have high standards… but never confuse that with the crippling behavior of perfectionism.

4.  You are NOT your thoughts.

You are the witnessing essence and consciousness behind the noise in your mind.  Your mind doesn’t define you, nor does it control you.  It is not who you are.  As soon as you recognize this, by watching your thoughts like an intrigued third-party observer, you will create instant distance from those thoughts and therefore no longer be identified with or enslaved by them.  (Read The Power of Now.)

5.  Your beliefs can be modified to lift you up.

Whatever you believe to be true about yourself and life in the long-term becomes your reality.  Your beliefs are ingrained patterns of thinking that you build up over a lifetime.  They are habitual ways of processing the world around you.  If those beliefs don’t work in your favor, you can change them.  How?  In the very same way the negative beliefs formed in the first place – via repetitive thoughts that you accepted to be the truth.  Ingrain new beliefs by consciously choosing and repeating messages that lift you up.

6.  The past and future don’t exist.

Now is the moment.  The past is just a memory.  The future is a mental projection.  You can choose to dwell back in the past for learning and joyous reflection.  You can choose to dwell in the future for visualization and practical planning.  However, any time your awareness floats away to the past or future frequently for negative purposes, you are suffocating your ability to thrive in the only moment you ever have… the now.  Past and future literally do not exist right now – feel the freedom in this truth.  (Read The Untethered Soul.)

7.  Your calling in life is to fully express who you already are.

The world will never see another human being like you.  There is no one on the face of the planet that has what you have.  Your uniqueness, in every respect, is your gift.  Life asks one thing of you… to be the full expression of yourself so that you can leave your unique imprint on all those you encounter and upon the world.  Never underestimate the power of your energy and how it ripples outwards to affect everything and everyone around you – IF you are being your full, authentic self.  Honor your intuition and act upon all your inspirations.

8.  Challenges are gifts for your growth.

Without challenges you cannot unlock your full potential.  Obstacles are opportunities for growth.  The world needs the fullness of who you are, and it is through your experiences in life that you unfold into that fullness.  How can you demonstrate willpower and strength if your resolve has never been tested?  How can you role model love and compassion if you have never faced the opposite?  Knowing there is a higher purpose within dark times, is what leads you to be at peace in the midst of those storms, knowing that you are a diamond being forged under pressure.

9.  Forgiveness is choosing happiness over hurt.

We do not forgive others in order to free them of the situation, burden, guilt or regret.  We forgive others to free ourselves and walk into compassion and love by doing so.  It is in freeing ourselves that our energy level rises, our consciousness rises, and in doing so those around us benefit too.  The words of forgiveness have a positive impact on those we forgive, but ultimately forgiveness is a choice that allows us to be happy again.  This goes for both forgiveness of others and forgiveness of self.

10.  Surrender is the essence of a happy life.

Letting go is not giving up.  Letting go is surrendering any obsessive attachment to particular people, outcomes and situations.  Surrender means showing up every day in your life with the intention to be your best self, and to do the best you know how, without expecting life to go a certain way.  Have goals, have dreams, aspire and take purposeful action, but detach from what life must look like.
The energy of someone aspiring to create their dreams, teamed with surrender, is far more powerful and creative than someone determined to create outcomes with a desperate ‘must have’ mentality.  Surrender brings inner peace and joy, and lest we forget that our outer lives are a reflection of our inner state of being.  (Read 1,000 Little Things Happy, Successful People Do Differently.)

The floor is yours…

What would you add to this post?  What’s one realization or truth you’ve learned that has helped you find more happiness in life?  Leave a comment below and share your thoughts.

Photo by: Frank Wuestefeld