FORTUNE FAIR

Wednesday, 3 June 2015

5 Powerful Rituals of Mentally Strong People

WRITTEN by MARC CHERNOFF

“Nothing can dim the light which shines from within.”
―Maya Angelou

“My dad is a blind cancer survivor. He lost both his eyes when he was in his early 30’s to a rare form of cancer. Despite this, he raised my sister and I, and took care of my mom who was in and out of rehab for alcoholism and depression. My mom is a fully recovered alcoholic now, my sister and I have graduated college, and my parents are still together and back to being happy. I’m certain none of this would have been possible if my dad hadn’t been such a resilient, positive force in our lives. My dad’s mental strength literally saved our family.”

Those are lines right out of an email I received this morning from Kristin, a coaching/course student of ours (I’m sharing this with permission). Her portrayal of her dad is both inspiring and a wonderful reminder of the importance of inner resilience. With enough mental strength, an ordinary human being can be an extraordinary hero.

And you don’t have to be born mentally strong either. You can develop this vital trait with practice. Here are five key things people with remarkable mental strength do daily:

1. They use passion and love to fuel their drive to get the hard things done.

Life is not easy, which is why you have to do hard things to be happy in life. The things no one else is doing. The things that frighten you. The things others can’t do for you. The things that make you question how much longer you can hold on and push forward.

Because those are the things that define you. Those are the things that make the difference between existing and living – between knowing the path and walking the path – between a life of defeat and a life filled with happiness and success.

Adversity is an inevitability, and it’s much like walking in to a turbulent windstorm. As you fight to push through it, you not only gain strength, but it tears away from you all but the essential parts of you that cannot be torn.

Once you come out of the storm you see yourself as you really are in raw form, still holding the passions and values that move you, and little else. These are the lusts that matter – the inner love and vows that define you. It is this kind of love that drives you forward and even when the going gets tough. It is this kind of love that strengthens the mind, body and soul. (Read The Road Less Traveled.)

2. They focus their energy solely on what they can control.

There’s a quote I’ve always loved that’s often credited to Ignatius: “Pray as if God will take care of all; act as if all is up to you.”

That’s a strong way to live. It’s about using your faith to fuel positive action.

And the same premise applies to luck too. Yet, many people feel luck has everything to do with where they stand in life – whether their lives are happy or sad, successful or unsuccessful, etc. If life is good, luck favored them, and if it isn’t, luck was against them. But that’s not the whole truth.

Mentally strong people know that good luck plays some role in their happiness or success, but they don’t wait around for good luck to strike, or sit around worrying about the possibility of bad luck. They do what they can right now with the hand they’ve been dealt. Incredible progress happens in our lives when we decide to take control of what we do have power over instead of craving control over what we don’t.

The truth is, 10% of your life is decided by uncontrollable circumstances and 90% is decided by how you react to those circumstances. By not wasting mental energy worrying about what should have happened, or what might happen, you can put all your effort into making the right things happen to the best of your ability. (And then if you do get lucky, hey, you’re even better off.)

Bottom line: You cannot control everything that comes your way, but you are in absolute control of how you react to it. And that changes everything.

3. They make every action a positive one.

The most effective way to prevent what’s negative is to promote what’s positive. The best way to influence bad behavior is not to control, regulate or demand, but to inspire, motivate and lead by example. You get more reward from your efforts when they’re applied in a positive direction. So instead of rebelling against what you dislike, work to build and support what you value and admire.

The answer to despair is not to despise it, for that only adds fuel to the fire. The answer is to overwhelm it with goodness, love and proactivity. Focus your attention and energy on what’s working, and make more of it. Praise what’s good and right, useful and valuable, and help it grow stronger. Nurture and promote what you love about life. Delight in the good things, and give the full power of your awareness to them.

Be a positive force by acting with positive resolve. Ultimately, happiness comes a lot easier when you stop complaining about your problems and you start being grateful for all the problems you don’t have. Although every day may not be good, there’s always something good about every day. Appreciating these good things, and feeding off their positive energy to create positive action, is what makes a good life in the end. (Read Begin with Yes.)

4. They are relentlessly consistent.

Years ago, when I was extremely focused on weight lifting and physical strength training, I gradually learned that you can’t be truly committed to any goal if you have a weak mind. To combat this, I wrote two simple questions on two different post-it notes and stuck one on my bathroom mirror and the other inside my gym locker:

How many workouts have you missed because your mind, not your body, told you that you were too tired?
How many workout reps have you skipped because your mind, not your body, said, “Nine reps is enough. Don’t worry about the tenth”?

To this day, the answer to both questions is probably thousands for most people, including myself. Weakness of the mind is a real dream killer, and the only way to fix this weakness in daily practice.

Far too often we think that mental strength is all about how we respond to extreme circumstances. How did she perform on stage during that nationally televised event? Did he bounce back after his business partner betrayed him and bankrupt their company? Can she keep her life together even after suffering from a major, debilitating physical injury?

There’s no doubt that extreme circumstances test our bravery, determination and mental strength, but what about common, daily circumstances?

Just like every muscle in the body, the mind needs to be exercised to gain strength. It needs to be worked consistently to grow and develop over time. If you haven’t pushed yourself in thousands of little ways over time, of course you’ll crumble on the one day that things get really challenging.

But it doesn’t have to be that way.

Choose to get to the gym when it would be easier to sleep in. Choose to do the tenth rep when it would be easier to quit at nine. Choose to create something special when it would be easier to consume something mediocre. Choose to raise your hand and ask that extra question when it would be easier to stay silent. Prove to yourself, in a thousand little ways, that you have the guts to get in the ring and wrestle with life.

Mental strength is built through lots of little victories. It’s the individual choices that we make on a daily basis that build our ‘mental strength’ muscles. We all want this kind of strength, but you can’t think your way to it. You have to do something about it religiously. It’s your daily actions that prove your mental fortitude.

The bottom line is that when things get difficult for most people, they find something easier to do. When things get difficult for mentally strong people, they find a way to stay on track.

5. They act as if what they do makes a difference.

And it does!

This is perhaps the most fundamental way people with remarkable mental strength change the world. And you can be one of them!

What really matters in life is not what we have, but how we use it; not what we buy, but what we build; not what we own, but what we share with the world; not our capability, but our character; not our success, but our true significance. Live a life that makes you proud – one that matters and makes a difference.

Your positivity will inspire the world today – let it ring loudly and frequently.
Your gratitude will give life its beauty today – express it.
Your efforts will make life richer today – be generous.
Your passion and love and curiosity will make a whole new set of experiences possible – open your heart and mind.

You get the idea…

You are needed. You are significant. Whatever you do will matter immensely, going far beyond you and coming back in profound ways you can’t even imagine. So always go above and beyond, especially for those who need you the most. In a world full of people who couldn’t care less, be someone who couldn’t care more.

Your turn…

What’s one habit or belief that has helped you stay mentally strong through good times and bad? Or on the flip side, what’s one habit or belief that has slowed you down and weakened your mental strength? I’d love to hear from you. Leave a comment below and share your thoughts and insights.

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9 Things You Should Do Every Day Before 9 A.M.

WRITTEN by MARC CHERNOFF

The morning is enormously important. It’s the foundation from which the day is built. How you choose to spend your morning can be used to predict the kind of day you’re going to have.

When I awake in the morning, my mind gradually gathers, and I begin to move as the early morning light is just starting to seep through the windows. My family is still sleeping. It’s a peaceful beginning.

I stretch, have a glass of water, start the tea kettle, and practice a gratitude meditation for ten minutes. Then I enjoy a cup of tea as I read one chapter of a good book. And finally, I write for an hour before the busyness of the day begins.

Once my family awakes, I pause to join them for a short time and we follow some simple morning rituals together too.

This is just a rough sketch of my mornings, and they make me happy.

It wasn’t always this way though. I used to awake in a hurry, rushing and cranky before stumbling into work and errands and meetings. It was awful, but it was my life. I didn’t know any better, so I didn’t think I could change things. Thankfully, I was wrong.

I’ve changed my mornings, so they work for me and not against me, with just a few simple rituals. And I’ve shared these morning rituals with thousands of coaching clients/students over the years, and many of them come back to me a month or two later and say, “Thank you!” Perhaps they will help you as well.

1. Get an early start.

If your mornings are chaotic, the simple solution is to get up a little earlier than the chaos. This, of course, starts the night before by going to bed a bit earlier too.

Adjust gradually, wake up just 10 minutes earlier each week forthe next 6-9 weeks, and you’ll barely notice the change from day to day. This extra time will help you avoid stress, speeding tickets, tardiness and other unnecessary headaches.

2. Meditate on the goodness.

Begin each day with love, grace and gratitude. When you arise in the morning think of what an incredible privilege it is to be alive – to be, to see, to hear, to think, to love, to have something to look forward to. Happiness is a big part of these little parts of your life; joy is simply the feeling of appreciating it all.

Realize that it’s not happiness that makes us grateful, but gratefulness that makes us happy. Make a habit of noticing the goodness that’s already yours first thing in the morning, and you will see more goodness everywhere you look throughout the day.

3. Stretch it out.

Simple, but so often forgotten… stretching your body in the morning has these key benefits:

Creates an increased range of movement in the body’s joints
Enhanced muscular flexibility and coordination
Increased circulation of the blood to various vital organs
Increased mental and physical energy levels (resulting from increased movement and circulation)

If you’re uncertain about how to stretch properly, you can find hundreds of great tutorials on YouTube. Choose one that you think will suit you best and practice it for a minute or two every morning. You will sense a change yourself, guaranteed.

4. Drink a tall glass of water before consuming anything else.

Another obvious practice that goes by the wayside…

Your body is more than 60% water, and when you’ve been sleeping all night without drinking any water, it gets dehydrated and desperate for hydration. So quench your thirst with exactly what your body needs. Avoid drinking coffee, tea or other beverages before you have at least one tall glass of water. By doing so your body will start to wake up and you’ll naturally feel more energized and alive. (Read Healthy Habits.)

5. Keep things simple.

One of my personal mistakes several years ago was trying to fit too much into my mornings. When I first started waking up early I wanted to workout, meditate, handle household chores, read, write, cook breakfast, reply to work emails, run errands, etc., and it turns out I couldn’t do all those things. I was waking up early and stressing myself out. I made my early mornings just as packed as the rest of the day.

What has helped me is having a few key things I do early, but not being over-committed to lots of goals and agendas. I’d rather have space and flexibility, which makes the time much more peaceful and useful. So the glass of water, stretching, gratitude meditation, tea, reading and writing are the only agendas I have on most mornings, but I’m flexible with those also.

6. Do a few things that move you.

Again, DO NOT fill your mornings with things you have to do… but, DO have a few things you can’t wait to get out of bed and get started on. For me, that goes back to my short list, which includes reading and writing – two of my greatest passions. For you, perhaps a long meditative walk, yoga, prayer, painting, or simply reading the morning paper.

In other words, don’t just have a long list of things you think you should do but don’t really want to do. Give your early mornings to yourself as a gift.

7. Read, review or listen to something that nurtures your mind.

Some of the happiest and most successful people I know read a bit of scripture each morning, some read inspiring books, articles or quotes, while others listen to radio, podcasts or audio programs that move them to get their day started. The key is having a ritual focused on absorbing small doses of self-improvement content to stretch and nurture your perspective and knowledge base. It starts the day off on a positive note with positive, productive ideas to guide your day’s journey. And that’s crucial, because your thoughts guide your reality.

So indulge in something positive every morning when you awake, and let it inspire you to do something positive before you go back to sleep at night. That’s how memorable, manageable days are made.

8. Be present, breathe, and appreciate the space between activities too.

Your early morning moments aren’t just about the things you do; they’re also about the open space between the things. That means the space itself is something to be appreciated as well.

So if you meditate and read, the morning isn’t just valuable because of the meditation and reading… the space around those two activities is also incredible. The time spent walking over to your meditation mat, or finding your book, or turning the pages, or pouring a cup of tea, or sitting and watching the sunrise… these little open spaces are just as important as anything else.

Pace yourself so you’re not hurrying from one thing to the next, but instead noticing and appreciating the spaces in between, too.

9. Move on gracefully to what’s most important.

As human beings we are goal oriented. We like making progress. When we accomplish one of our goals, we smile about it. That’s why the happiest people I know are also some of the most successful people I know.

As your early morning winds down, the key is to funnel your attention directly into the right things, not the urgent things. Because at some point we all wonder, “Why is it so impossible to get everything done?” And the answer is stunningly simple: We’re doing too many of the wrong things.

Several research studies have shown that people never get more done by blindly working more hours on everything that comes up. Instead, they get more done when they follow careful plans that measure and track key priorities and milestones. So if you want to be more successful, less stressed, and a lot happier at the end of each day, don’t ask how to make something more efficient until you’ve first asked, “Do I need to do this at all?”

Simply being able to do something well does not make it the right thing to do. I think this is one of the most common problems with a lot of time-management advice; too often productivity gurus focus on how to do things quickly, but the vast majority of things people do quickly should not be done at all.

Afterthoughts

A great morning isn’t something that magically happens – it’s created consciously.

You don’t have to implement all these ideas, but I challenge you to try one or two and see how your mornings improve.

I bet you’ll begin to enjoy them as much as I do.

The floor is yours…

How do you like to start your mornings? What helps you start the day off right? Please let us know by leaving a comment below.

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40 Powerful Mantras to Help You Think Positive

WRITTEN by ANGEL CHERNOFF 40 Powerful Mantras to Help You Think Positive

When things go wrong, don’t go with them.

“I don’t want to feel overwhelmed. I’m tired of the anxiety and stress. Too often my mind is consumed with negative thoughts and my body is filled with physical tension. It hurts. I don’t want to feel like this. I don’t want to feel like I live in a whirlwind of exhaustion 24/7. I don’t want to just ‘get by’ day to day…”

Those are the opening lines right out of a live chat session I had last night with a long-time reader and recent course student of ours. I’m sharing this with you today (with permission) because, in slightly different words, I’ve literally heard this same message from coaching clients, students and readers 1,000+ times over the past decade.

Can you relate? To an extent, I bet you can. Sometimes we all can.

Whenever I’m coaching someone who shares these feelings, I gracefully shift their focus from what they don’t want to what they DO want. Because I know that what we focus on grows stronger in our lives. I remind them that their life story is an expression of who they believe themselves to be – the thoughts and words they choose to express themselves, gradually shapes the core of their identity and destiny.

So let me ask you this:

How have you written your story so far? Have you put your thoughts and words to positive use? If I eavesdropped on your self-talk or your conversations with others, would I hear statements that create happiness, or statements that refute it?

Your ability to write a positive life story hinges on your language. It is your inner and outer verbal expression that makes your joy possible and that infuses your life with purpose, meaning and vitality.

So today, I challenge you to replace your negative thoughts and words with positive alternatives. Take a look at the quotes below that I have selected from our blog archive. Pick one (or more) of them that relates to your present troubles, and use it as a mantra by repeating it to yourself every time you feel negativity creeping up inside you.

If the grass looks greener on the other side… Stop staring. Stop comparing. Stop complaining and start watering the grass you’re standing on.
Satisfaction is not always the fulfillment of what you want; it is the realization of how blessed you are for what you have.
Sometimes you just have to look back at your past and smile about how far you’ve come.
Just because it didn’t last forever, doesn’t mean it wasn’t worth your while.
For everything you’ve lost, you’ve gained something else. Appreciate what you have today. Life does not have to be perfect to be wonderful.
Just because you are struggling does NOT mean you are failing. Every great success requires some kind of struggle to get there.
You cannot expect victory while planning for defeat.
Even though you cannot control everything that happens, you can control your attitude toward what happens. And in that, you will be mastering change rather than allowing it to master you.
Use your struggles and frustrations today to motivate you rather than annoy you. You are in control of the way you look at life.
Stop beating yourself up. You are a work in progress; which means you get there a little at a time, not all at once.
Sometimes things must change so you can change. Sometimes you must break a little so you can get a peek inside to see what an awesome powerhouse you are. Sometimes mistakes must be made so wisdom can be earned. Sometimes you must overcome heartache so you can begin to follow your heart again.
The true measure of your success is how many times you can bounce back from failure.
Sometimes the wrong choices bring us to the right places. To be creative and productive in life, you must first lose your resistance to being wrong.
When you are no longer able to change a situation, you are challenged to change yourself.
If you feel like your ship is sinking, it might be a good time to throw out the unnecessary stuff that’s been weighing it down. (Read The Power of Less.)
Stepping onto a brand new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation that no longer fits, or no longer exists.
The story of your life has many chapters. One bad chapter doesn’t mean it’s the end. So stop re-reading the bad one already and turn the page.
The truth is, unless you let go, unless you forgive yourself, unless you forgive the situation, unless you accept that the situation is over, you cannot move forward.
Yes, it takes hard work to let go and refocus your life, but it’s worth every bit of effort you can muster.
Head up, heart open. To better days approaching!
You’re never as good as everyone says when you win, and you’re never as terrible as they tell you when you lose. The important thing is what you’ve learned, and what you’re doing with it.
Be careful about who you give the microphone and stage to in your life. Don’t just listen to the loudest voice. Listen to the truest one.
You’re not a failure because you can’t be all things to all people. You’re a human.
Never allow someone or something that adds very little to your life, to control so much of it.
Never surrender your hopes and dreams to the tragic limitations others have placed on their own lives. The vision of your true destiny does not reside within the narrow-minded outlook of naysayers. Focus on facts, not judgments.
Don’t sit around. Start moving! In the beginning you may not go in the direction you dream, but as long as you’re moving, you’re creating possibilities.
You may be the only person left who believes in you, but that’s enough. It takes the glimmer of just one star to pierce a universe of darkness. Never give up on yourself.
Encourage yourself, believe in yourself, and love yourself today. Never doubt who you are.
You are not a victim. No matter what you have been through, you are still here now. You may have been challenged, hurt, betrayed, beaten, and discouraged, but nothing has defeated you. You have been delayed but not denied.
You have to accept whatever comes your way, and the only important thing is that you meet it with the best you have to give. Nothing more, nothing less.
99% of the time, the only thing standing between you and your goal is the fateful story you keep telling yourself as to why you can’t achieve it. (Read The Miracle Morning.)
You were put on this earth to achieve your greatest self, to live out your purpose, and to do it courageously.
Whether you say, “I can” or “I can’t,” you’re right either way.
All great achievements require time. And all great achievements are worth your time.
The person who moves a mountain begins by carrying away small stones.
When things are tough, you must be tougher. Don’t pray for an easy life. Pray for the strength to endure a tough one that leads to success.
If you want to be happy and bright, let go of your need to always be right.
Worry is a massive waste of time and energy. It doesn’t change anything. All it does is steal your joy and hinder your ability to make positive changes.
Sometimes you simply have to stop worrying, wondering, and doubting. Have faith that things will work out, maybe not how you planned, but just how it’s meant to be.
In life, you usually get what you ask for, eventually, and it rarely comes in the package you think it’s supposed to come in.

Your turn…

What’s one mantra or personal reminder that helps you stay positive when life gets stressful? Please share it with us by leaving a reply below.

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7 Reasons it’s Time to Move On and Embrace Change

WRITTEN by MARC CHERNOFF

9 Addictions 90 Percent of Us Struggle With

Change isn’t part of the process; it is the process. The bad news: nothing is permanent. The good news: nothing is permanent.

Today, with the help of a friend, Brian Gardner (check out his inspiring site), we made the first design change to our site in nearly a decade.

Yes, a decade.

If you think about how drastically the internet and technology has matured in the past ten years, it’s impossible not to wonder why we didn’t update our site design sooner.

All details aside – and there are plenty of them – the answer is: Resistance to change.

Sure, in the past we’ve preached about prioritizing content over design. And yeah, it wasn’t broken, so we didn’t absolutely need to fix it. But these rationalities were just covering up the fact that we were stuck in our comfort zones.

In this subtle, yet obvious way, we weren’t practicing what we preach. But thankfully we finally caught ourselves and came to our senses.

And as we rolled out the new design this morning, I couldn't help but appreciate the synchronicity of this short email from a coaching/course student that popped up in my inbox at the same exact time (I’m sharing this with permission):

“I just wanted to send a quick note of thanks. Today marks a full year that I’ve been eating right and working out regularly, which is, as you know, something I resisted for years. This time last year I weighed 312 pounds. When I saw my weight on the scale at the doctor’s office I knew it was time for a change. And after some much-needed coaching from you and Angel, a year of exercising my willpower, and using no dieting pills or gastric bands or anything, I went back to the doctor’s office for my annual check-up. ‘199 lbs,’ my doctor said. ‘You know, your positive lifestyle change just added roughly 10 years to your life expectancy.’ My 9-year-old daughter, who came with me, grabbed my hand and said, ‘I look forward to spending those extra years with you, daddy.’”

Wow! Talk about a beautiful reminder to embrace positive change in your life.

Yes, you may feel resistance, like Angel and I did with our site’s redesign. It may not be easy. But we all have to stretch our comfort zones and move our lives forward.

The truth is, living is a risk. Happiness is a risk. If you’re not a little scared sometimes, then you’re not doing it right. Don’t worry about mistakes and failures, worry about what you’re giving up when you don’t even try. Worry about the life you’re not living and the opportunities you’re forgoing, as you merely exist in the safety of your comfort zone. Give yourself permission to be one of the people who survived doing it wrong, who made mistakes, but recovered from them and grew into your strongest self.

That’s what I wish for Angel and me, and that’s what I wish for YOU.

So in a general sense, here are some good reasons it’s time for all of us to embrace change and move onward…

Everything changes, whether you embrace change or not. – If nothing ever changed there would be no sunrise the next morning. Most of us are comfortable where we are even though the whole universe is constantly changing around us. Learning to accept this is vital to our happiness and general success. Because only when we change, do we grow, and begin to see a world we never knew was possible. And don’t forget, however good or bad a situation is now, it will change. That’s the one thing you can count on. So embrace it, and realize that change happens for a reason. It won’t always be easy or obvious at first, but in the end it will be worth it.
There’s plenty of life left to be lived. – It’s never too late to live a day that makes you proud. If you don’t learn anything else from this post, learn that. We get one shot at the present and we can make it great. Today is the day! There’s no age limit on changing your course, and to settle in and be stuck in a life that isn’t authentic is a tragic waste. Honestly, it’s never too late or too early to be who you are capable of being. There’s no perfect time – you can simply start and stop whenever you want. You can change or stay the same. You can make the best or the worst of today. It’s up to you, so make the best of it. Do things that startle you. Feel things you’ve never felt before. Spend time with people who help you grow. Live a life you’re proud of. And if you find that you’re not, have the courage to change things.
You can’t grow by standing in one place. – When things aren’t adding up in your life, it’s time to start subtracting. Sometimes you must let go to grow. You cannot discover new oceans unless you build up enough courage to lose sight of the old, familiar shoreline. Be brave. Follow your values. Listen to your intuition. And remember, no venture is ever a waste of time. The ones that don’t work out teach you lessons that prepare you for the ones that do. (Read Daring Greatly.)
The past never changes. – You can spend hours, days, weeks, months, or even years sitting alone in a dark room, over-analyzing a situation from the past, trying to put the pieces together, and justifying what could’ve or should’ve happened. Or you can just leave the pieces in the dark and walk out the front door into the sunlight to get some fresh air.
Holding on to old pain is self-abuse. – Your past has given you the strength and wisdom you have today, so celebrate it. Don’t let it haunt you. Replaying a painful memory over and over in your head is a form of self-abuse. Toxic thoughts create a toxic life. Make peace with yourself and your past. When you heal your thoughts, you heal the health of your happiness. So stop focusing on old problems and things you don’t want in your future. The more you think about them, the more you attract what you fear into your everyday experiences – you become your own worst enemy.
Moving on creates positive change. – You may blame everyone else and think, “Poor me! Why do all these crappy things keep happening to me?” But the only thing those scenarios all have in common is YOU. And this is good news, because it means YOU alone have the power to change things, or change the way you think about things. There is something very powerful and liberating about surrendering to change and embracing it – this is where personal growth and evolution reside.
New opportunities are out there waiting for you. – Nobody gets through life without challenges and disruptions… just as nobody gets through life without losing someone they love, something they need, or something they thought was meant to be. But it is these trials that make us stronger and eventually move us toward future opportunities. Embrace these opportunities. Enter new relationships and new situations, knowing that you are venturing into unfamiliar territory. Be ready to learn, be ready for a challenge, and be ready to experience something or meet someone that just might change your life forever.

Your turn…

What changes do you want to make in your life? What do you need to move on from? Leave a comment below and share your thoughts with us.

Oh, and how do you like our new site design? We would appreciate your feedback on that too.

Photo by: Ashley

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9 Addictions 90% of Us Struggle With

WRITTEN by MARC CHERNOFF

We are addicted to our thoughts. We cannot change anything if we cannot change our thinking.

“I’m addicted!” she said.

“But didn’t you just tell me you’ve been clean for 15 years?” I asked.

“I have been,” she said.

“So what are you addicted to?” I asked.

“To doing what I shouldn’t be doing, even though I know better,” she said. “I’m addicted to doing it the wrong way, because it’s easier and safer, and just the way I’ve always done it. I’m addicted to letting my negativity and anger and fear get the best of me every day. And honestly, that’s just scratching the surface of it. But the scariest part of it all is that I know dozens of other people who are just like me in this regard. We’re all addicts and we don’t even acknowledge it!”

Those are lines right out of a live chat session I had this morning with a coaching client and student of ours. I’m sharing this with you (with permission) because nothing could be closer to the truth.

Almost every one of us is an addict, and what we are addicted to is…

1. Wanting and expecting everything to be easy.

All great achievements require time and work. Good things don’t come easy. And patience is the only way you can endure the grey periods.

When we want things to be easy, and expect them to be, we are inevitably disappointed. Our disappointment then motivates us to give up too soon. And the thing with giving up too soon is you never know. You never know whether you could have put in the effort and done something incredible with your life. I made changes because I was sick of not knowing. What about you?

Find the courage to do the hard things in life. The things no one else is doing. The things that frighten you. The things others can’t do for you. The things that make you question how much longer you can hold on and push forward. Because those are the things that define you. Those are the things that make the difference between existing and living – between knowing the path and walking the path – between a life of mediocrity and a life filled with happiness and success.

Yes, find the courage!

And remember, courage doesn’t always roar out load. Sometimes courage is simply the quiet voice at the end of the day whispering, “I will try again tomorrow.”

2. Shackling ourselves to what we already know.

We are products of our past, but we don’t have to be prisoners of it. When you stop learning you stop living a meaningful life. Life’s richness does not come from always residing within familiar and comfortable territory. It’s when you venture out away from the familiar that you grow stronger and more capable.

You must hold tightly to your core values while at the same time opening your heart and mind to new ideas, feelings and experiences. Your own perspective will become clearer when you look at things from different angles. Find ways to provide a healthy challenge to your current understanding of life, and you will discover and experience far more of life’s magic in the days ahead.

Bottom line: As long as you are breathing, you are just beginning. NOW is a new beginning. Don’t pretend like you’re stuck. You aren’t. (Read The Book of Awakening.)

3. Comparing ourselves to everyone else, and then competing with them.

Let go of the foolish need to compare yourself to everyone else, and you’ll free yourself to accomplish what matters most to you. Sometimes you have to remind yourself that you don’t have to always be and do what everyone else is being and doing.

If you compete with others, you will become bitter. If you compete with a previous version of yourself, you will become better. It’s as simple as that. You are not in competition with anybody except yourself; plan to outdo your past not other people.

And keep in mind that when you’re not competing against others, you can instead work with them on a common goal. You can use your combined insights and talents to achieve what none of you can alone. Incredible personal growth and learning occurs through relationships when the competitive spirit is replaced with a collaborative one.

4. Secretly wishing for everyone’s stamp of approval.

You don’t need anyone’s affection or approval in order to be good enough in your own eyes.

Repeat that to yourself and think about it.

When someone rejects or abandons or judges you, 99% of the time it isn’t actually about you. It’s about them and their own insecurities, limitations, and needs, and you don’t have to internalize any of it.

Your worth isn’t contingent upon other people’s acceptance of you – it’s something inherent. You are alive, and therefore you matter. You’re allowed to think things and feel things. You’re allowed to assert your needs and take up space. You’re allowed to hold on to the truth that who you are is worthy. And you’re allowed to remove anyone from your life who insists on making you feel otherwise.

5. Taking things personally and dramatically.

Another driver cut you off in traffic. Your friend never texted you back. Your coworker went to lunch without you. Everyone can find a reason to be offended on a daily basis. But what caused you to be offended? You took things personally and dramatically. You made it all about YOU by assigning negative intent to these otherwise innocent actions. And you let your temper roar.

Don’t do this to yourself. Don’t pretend like everyone’s actions are about YOU. They aren’t. People’s actions are about THEM. So let it GO!

How would your life be different if you walked away from drama, gossip and unconstructive assumptions?

Let today be the day you find out. (Read The Four Agreements.)

6. Being more loving to others than we are to ourselves.

Life gets a lot easier when you are your own best friend. So don’t forget about YOU out there, and don’t be too hard on yourself either. There are plenty of others that will do both of these things for you.

There’s absolutely nothing selfish about self-care. If you don’t take good care of yourself then you can’t take good care of anyone else. Because we can’t give what we don’t have. Treat yourself right and you’ll be life-giving to others.

7. Believing we don’t have enough to give back.

You don’t have it all, but you have more than enough. Don’t be scared to share.

Generosity is what keeps the things you own from owning you. In other words, generosity isn’t just to help others, it’s also to liberate you. Which is why you cannot live abundantly until you have done something nice for someone who can never repay you. Know this and live graciously.

There is no exercise better for your heart and mind than reaching down and lifting people up.

8. Thinking and thinking, and OVER-thinking some more.

Sometimes your mind unnecessarily wrestles with events that aren’t even remotely likely. Your sore throat is life threatening. Your lost driver’s license fell into the hands of a miscreant looking to steal your identity. Negativity like this only breeds more negativity. It’s a happiness riptide. It will carry you away from the shore and, if you don’t swim away, it will pull you under.

Never over-think a dilemma. Answers come to a relaxed mind. Space allows things to fall into place. A calm attitude yields the best results.

When your fears and anxieties have you looking too deeply into things, it creates problems – it doesn’t fix them. If you think and you think and you think, you’ll think yourself right out of happiness a thousand times, and never once into it.

9. Dreaming of what could have been, or should have been.

Before you can truly LIVE today, a part of you has to die first. You have to let go and bury what could have been, how you should have responded and what you wish you would have done differently. You have to accept that you can’t change a past experience, opinions of others at that moment in time, or outcomes from their choices or yours. When you finally accept this truth, then you will finally understand the true meaning of forgiving yourself and others. From this point you will finally be present and free.

Go ahead! Let go. Forgive. Be present and free. Today.

Afterthoughts

If you’re struggling with any of these points, know that you are not alone. Many of us are right there with you, working hard to feel better, think more clearly, and live a life free of addiction. The bottom line is that it’s never too late to take a step in the right direction. It’s never too late to break free and become the person you are capable of being. Addictions of all kinds CAN be beaten!

Your turn…

Which of the addictions above do you sometimes struggle with? What else would you add to the list? Leave a comment below and share your thoughts.

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Wednesday, 13 May 2015

16 Simple Ways to Love Yourself Again

POST WRITTEN BY: MARC CHERNOFF

Learn to love yourself first, instead of loving the idea of other people loving you.

“Today I lost the respect of a few people I love, and the desire to kill myself, when I finally took your advice and told everyone the truth about who I really am and what I’ve decided to do with my life. In a nutshell, I've chosen to love and honor myself, instead of convincing others to do it for me every day.”

Those are lines right out of a live chat session I had this morning with a longtime reader and recent course member of ours. Although this person asked to remain anonymous, they gave me permission to share this with you, and I’m so glad they did.

Because the greatest struggle in life is the struggle to accept, embrace and love ourselves, with all of our imperfections. To be 100% honest about who we are, how we feel and what we need. To stop discrediting ourselves for everything we aren’t, and start giving ourselves credit for everything we are. And to be aware that not everyone we love will agree with us every step of the way, and to be OK with it.

We have to learn to be our own best friends, because sometimes we fall too easily into the trap of being our own worst enemies. We love the idea of others loving us, and we forget to love ourselves.

What we must realize is that our greatest task is not about discovering self-love; it’s about breaking down the walls we have built against it. When we have the courage to push through these walls – to know and embrace ourselves, despite our humanness, our flaws, and our rejections – we also open the door to connecting in more caring, empathic and intimate ways with others who are truly worth loving.

Which is why it’s time to…

Start telling yourself what you love about yourself. – In your own life it’s important to know how spectacular you are. You really have to look in the mirror and be kind. Because what we see in the mirror is often what we see in the world. Our disappointment in others often reflects our disappointment in ourselves. Our acceptance of others often reflects our acceptance of ourselves. Our ability to see potential in others often reflects our ability to see potential in ourselves. Our patience with others often reflects our patience with ourselves. You get the idea – you’ve got to show yourself some love first and foremost.

Be one with what is. – Something that’s really difficult, but totally worth it, is giving up on being perfect and beginning the journey of becoming your true self. The most beautiful part of this journey is simply returning to the peaceful feeling of being. This peace is the result of retraining your mind to process life as it is, rather than as you think it should be.
Focus less on winning the approval of others. – Remind yourself that you don’t have to do what everyone else is doing. And you don’t have to get permission to do it differently either. Your time on this planet is precious. As the saying goes, “What you do today is important, because you are exchanging a day of your life for it.” Don’t wait around for someone else to give you permission to live.
Distance yourself from those who bring you down. – Being in no relationship is better than being in a wrong one. Don’t worry too much about folks who don’t worry about you. Know your worth! When you give yourself to those who disrespect you, you lose. Your friends in life should motivate, inspire and respect you. Your circle should be well rounded and supportive. Keep it tight. Quality over quantity, always.
Forgive your past self. – When you confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with the light of your forgiveness, your willingness to wrestle with your demons in this way will cause your angels to sing. It’s just a matter of accepting that sometimes good people like you make bad choices. It doesn’t mean you’re bad; it means you’re human. Get bored with your past; it’s over. Forgive yourself for what you think you did or didn’t do, and focus on what you will do starting now. (Read The Miracle Morning.)
Start making the changes you know you need to make. – Just because something made you happy in the past doesn’t mean you have to keep it forever. If you want to see changes in your life today, you’ll have to do things that you’ve never done before. Different input = different output. Move away from the things that drain you and move toward the thoughts and activities that empower and fulfill you.
Embrace the mistakes you haven’t even made yet. – To be successful in the long run, you must fail sometimes. So don’t let the fear of making the wrong decision prevent you from making any decision at all.
Show gratitude for who you are and what you have right now. – No, you won’t always get what you want. And no, you won’t always be exactly where you want to be. But remember this: There are lots of people who will never have what you have right now. So use pain, frustration and inconvenience to motivate you rather than annoy you. You are in control of the way you look at life.
Do something every day that makes you happy. – There’s a big difference between empty fatigue and gratifying exhaustion. Life is too short. Invest in the activities you deeply care about. A good life is about making a good decision every day to do something that moves you – caring for yourself by doing things you care about. It’s a matter of realizing that there’s nothing selfish about self-care. Because we can’t give what we don’t have. You have to experience life on your terms before you can be life-giving to others.
Give yourself a fair chance to explore new ideas and opportunities. – Don’t let not knowing how it’ll end keep you from beginning. When we act, uncertainty chases us out into the open where opportunity awaits.
Listen to your intuition and be honest with yourself about everything. – We cannot speak with integrity about a lifestyle we are not living. We don’t need more dazzling storytellers; we need more genuine ones. Listen to that inner voice. Confidence comes from knowing that what you’re doing is right, and that what you’re doing is right for YOU.
Believe in your abilities. – All things are possible! The key is to identify what you want, claim it as part of who you are, and believe that you are worthy to have it. (Read Awaken the Giant Within.)
Focus on writing your story, instead of reading, watching and hearing about everyone else’s. – And when you catch yourself comparing your life to someone else’s, remember that people often only show their highlight reel – especially online – not their reality.
Pay close attention to your life as you’re living it. – One of the greatest presents you can give yourself (and your loved ones), is to be present, every chance you get. Your life is not between the moments of your birth and death; your life is between now and your next breath. Distractions are in the palms of our hands these days, but we need to remember to look up more often. So much is lost when we don’t.
Loosen up and be a little less serious about it all. – All self-misery has its roots in self-pity, and all self-pity is rooted in taking life too seriously. If you take everything too seriously, especially yourself, you’ll wind up fearing every new step you take. Loosen up and laugh it off when you can – especially when things don’t go as planned. People with a good sense of humor have a better sense of life. You grow up the day you have your first real laugh at yourself and your circumstances.
Go out of your way to be loving and kind to others too. – Almost everything comes full circle. People who love themselves come across as very caring, generous and kind to others too; they express their self-confidence through humility, forgiveness and inclusiveness. So seek to understand others before you attempt to judge. And be thankful for rude, difficult people too – they serve as great reminders of how not to be.

Closing Thoughts

The bottom line is: People will come and go. Events will come and go. Day and night will come and go. But a true love for yourself will always remain with you, if you nurture it.

So put these things on your TO-DO list today, and tie them to the points above:

Spend time doing things that help you love yourself more.
Spend time thinking about things that help you love yourself more.
Spend time with people who help you love yourself more.

Repeat tomorrow.

Your turn…

Which of these points do you struggle with? How will you love yourself more today? Leave a comment below and share your thoughts with us.

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5 Ways to Find Beauty in Painful Life Changes

POST WRITTEN BY: MARC CHERNOFF

Stepping onto a brand new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation that no longer fits, or no longer exists.

The reason for our suffering, in all walks of life, is our resistance to life’s inevitable changes.

And life is all changes. To have lived is to have changed often.

Sometimes this is hard to accept…

What you have today may become what you had by tomorrow. You never know. Things change, often spontaneously. People and circumstances come and go. Life doesn’t stop for anybody. It moves rapidly and rushes from calm to chaos in a matter of seconds, and happens like this to people every day. It’s likely happening to someone nearby right now.

Sometimes the shortest split second in time changes the direction of our lives. A seemingly innocuous decision rattles our whole world like a meteorite striking Earth. Entire lives have been swiveled and flipped upside down, for better or worse, on the strength of an unpredictable event. And these events are always happening.

However good or bad a situation is now, it will change. That’s the one thing you can count on.

And while I resist change, and suffer sometimes just like everyone else, I have learned to adapt. I have learned to be flexible and look for the beauty in life’s changes, even when they aren’t what I want. But before we get into how to do that, let’s take a look at…

Common Life changes All of Us Tend to Resist

Someone you respect snaps and yells at you – The change is rooted in the fact that we expect certain people to behave a certain way. Specifically, we expect them to always treat us kindly, fairly and respectfully, but the reality is that they don’t. They lose their tempers sometimes. And when they do, we resist this reality, and want things to be the way we want them to be. It forces us to change our perceptions and expectations. And so we get confused, agitated, or even offended.
Your 10-month-old (or 10-year-old or 20-year-old) refuses to listen to you – Again, we expect our children to behave a certain way, but of course reality is different, especially as they are growing and maturing. And when the present reality of their behaviors doesn’t conform to our expectations, we get worried and stressed out.
You get laid off or fired by your employer – Sometimes, in the haste of our busy lives, we tend to confuse what we do for a living with who we are. So when you lose your job, things get really complicated because this change affects not only your livelihood but your identity as well. If you are a personal fitness trainer, and you lose your job, and you’re struggling to find a new one, who are you in the interim? You now have to deal with the changes in how you identify yourself. This can be extremely challenging, and resisting these changes (and the financial challenges that come with the job loss) can be quite painful.
You suddenly realize you have too much on your plate – In other words, you’ve gradually committed yourself to way too many obligations and you’re finally at the point where you feel overwhelmed by the fact that you have more things you’re ‘supposed to’ be doing and not enough time to do them. You realize something has changed, and something needs to change again – because you can’t possible be everything to everyone, or everywhere at once. And this upsets you, because you thought you could do it all, but of course you can’t.
A close friend or family member passes away – One of the ultimate life changes is death, of course. A person who gave meaning to our life is now no longer in our life (at least not in the flesh), and we are not the same person without them. We have to change who we are – we’re now a best friend who sits alone, a widow instead of a wife, a dad without a daughter, or a next-door neighbor to someone new. We want life to be the way it was, before death, but it never will be.

Obviously, that’s just the tip of the iceberg. Change is the only constant thing in life. Every fraction of a second is different, and we resist it. Our day gradually passes, our body gradually ages, our relationships gradually shift, other people don’t act the way they used to, we ourselves begin to think differently, and this is tough to deal with.

So this is the pain of life’s changes, of realizing that we are not in control, of reality evolving and not meeting our expectations.

But how do we find the beauty in this?

The key is to cope with change in healthy ways, rather than hopeless ways…

We can cope with change hopelessly in many ways (and sadly many of us do):

Screaming at other people and ourselves
Drinking lots of alcohol
Using drugs
Watching one mindless television show after the next
Sitting around all day and feeling sorry for ourselves
etc.

Or we can find healthy ways to cope:

Exercising
Meditation and mindfulness rituals
Discussing our problems honestly with a counselor or coach
Focusing on the next step forward – i.e. controlling what can be controlled rather than craving control over the uncontrollable
etc.

But the most important thing to understand is that all healthy coping strategies require us to embrace life’s changes, first and foremost.

Think about it. If changes are a basic fact of life, then why resist? Why not embrace, let go and live fully?

Why not see the beauty in life’s changes?

I know it’s hard – but only because we’re so darn used to resisting.

Let’s put aside our habitual resistance and judgmental impulses for a bit, and instead look for…

The Beauty in Life’s (Painful) Changes

Someone you respect snaps and yells at you – This person is hurting, frustrated or angry, and is taking it out on you because you’re close to them. They’re reaching out, wanting to be saved from the uncontrollable, and (of course) they’re not succeeding. Can you empathize with this? Have you ever been in their shoes? There is beauty in our parallels, in our joint struggles, in our interconnection as human beings. Emotionally embrace this beautiful, hurting human being, feel her pain as she deals with the change in her life, give your compassion, and then carry on without taking her struggles personally.
Your 10-month-old (or 10-year-old or 20-year-old) refuses to listen to you – Remarkably, your child is maturing and asserting her independence. She’s thinking her own thoughts, and proving that she is her own human being, not just a little minion that follows orders. Have you ever been in her shoes – perhaps at work or earlier in life? Have you ever been agitated by someone else trying to control you? There is beauty in this kind of growth and independence, this fighting spirit, this coming of age. See the beauty and smile. Appreciate it. Give your child some space to learn and grow.
You get laid off or fired by your employer – As difficult as losing your job is, it’s an ending that leads to the beginning of everything that comes next. Let the heaviness of being successful be replaced by the lightness of being a beginner again. This new beginning is the start of a different story, the opportunity to refresh your life, to reinvent who you are. See the beauty in this opportunity – the freedom and liberation from a fixed routine – a solid foundation from which you can rebuild your life the way you always wanted it to be.
You suddenly realize you have too much on your plate – When your plate is too full, life is difficult, there’s no question about that, but it’s still possible to appreciate the chaos of your daily tasks and obligations. No, you can’t do everything, or be everything to everyone, or be everywhere at once, but you can let go of wanting everything to be under your complete control every second. There is beauty in the chaos of your day. It is random, it is wild… it is real life. And it means you have people, projects, passions, and ideas in your life that move you. Notice the pain of your resistance, and the beauty in your struggle. Then realize you can only do one thing at a time, so just do that one thing. Then let it go, and do the next thing. And do it with a cheerful heart.
A close friend or family member passes away – Certainly the most painful life change of them all, death can be sad. Angel and I have dealt with the loss of siblings and best friends to illness, so we know from experience that when you lose someone you can’t imagine living without, your heart breaks wide open. And the bad news is you never completely get over the loss – you will never forget them. However, in a backwards way, this is also the good news. You see, death is an ending, which is a necessary part of living. And endings are necessary for beauty too – otherwise it’s impossible to appreciate someone or something, because they are unlimited. Limits illuminate beauty, and death is the definitive limit – a reminder that we need to be aware of this beautiful person or situation, and appreciate this beautiful thing called life. Death is also a beginning, because while we have lost someone special, this ending, like the loss of a job, is a moment of reinvention. Although sad, their passing forces us to reinvent our lives, and in this reinvention is an opportunity to experience beauty in new, unseen ways and places. And finally, of course, death is an opportunity to celebrate a person’s life, and to be grateful for the beauty they showed us.

Closing Thoughts

With a life coaching career that spans a decade, Angel and I have worked with people of all ages, in all walks of life, from every corner of the globe, and I can honestly say that nothing is more beautiful and powerful than a smile that has struggled through the tears. So don’t regret your time, even the moments that were filled with painful life changes. Smile because you learned from these twists and turns and gained the strength to rise above them and adapt.

Ultimately, it’s not what you have been through that defines who you are; it’s how you got through it that has made you the person you are today, and the person you are capable of being tomorrow.

Your turn…

What painful life changes have you had to cope with? How have these changes shaped the person you are today? Leave a comment below and share your thoughts and insights.

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