22 Harsh Truths that Will Jolt You Awake

post written by: Marc Chernoff

Once you know better, you can do better.

Angel and I receive dozens of amazing emails from amazing people every day.  This morning I received three that truly blew me away.  And while I won’t share these emails in their entirety with you, out of respect for each person’s privacy, I will share one small paragraph – a bite-sized story – from each that I know will make you think:

• “My mom is a healthy 55-year-old who successfully owns and operates a popular bakery downtown – a goal she’s had all her life.  15 years ago she was diagnosed with stage 3 breast cancer.  In the face of possible death, she quit her store clerk job, opened the bakery, started chemo and radiation therapy, and succeeded on all fronts.”
• “This afternoon my teammate broke his right arm during our first game of the season.  It was actually his first game in over two years, after his doctors told him that he would never play again due to knee surgery.  This evening when I stopped by to see him I assumed he would be terribly upset.  Instead he smiled and said, ‘That hour I spent on the field today was once only a dream.’”
• “Two of my ex-coworkers actually laughed at me last year when I told them I dreamed of opening my own hair salon.  When I spoke with you and Angel on a coaching call that same afternoon, Angel said something like, ‘We’ve known quite a few people who went after their dreams and succeeded.  One thing they all had in common was they got laughed at in the process.’  Well, I’m happy to say, I opened my salon six months ago and business is great!”

So what do you think?  For me, above all, these stories remind me that living a rewarding life isn’t easy, and it certainly isn’t guaranteed, but it’s possible with the right attitude and drive, and worth every bit of effort you can muster.
So with this theme in mind, here are a few harsh truths that I hope will jolt you awake and motivate you to make changes – to do what it takes – to live your version of a great life:

1. No one else can give you the exact answers you need to be happy and successful. – There are many important answers only you can give yourself, through firsthand experience and self-reflection.  So stop listening to what the world says you should want.  Start listening to who you are.  Once you’re tuned-in to yourself, a time will come when you finally get it.  When in the midst of life’s chaos and commotion you stop dead in your tracks and, from somewhere deep down, the voice inside your head cries out “ENOUGH!”  This moment is the turning point that leads to happiness and success.
2. The things we do right are often NOT the right things to do. – It’s always better to go slowly in the right direction than quickly in the wrong direction.  Ask yourself if what you’re doing is moving you closer to where you want to be.  Know that doing the right things is far more important than doing things right.  There is nothing quite so wasteful as doing with great proficiency something that should not be done at all.
3. The unhappiest folks are those who care the most about what everyone thinks. – Truth be told, you have nothing to prove and everything to be.  Let the opinions of others inform you.  Don’t let them limit you.
4. The people you surround yourself with will make you or break you. – Surround yourself with positive people – positive influences.  Let them serve as subtle, yet continuous reminders to be your very best.
5. Being real and straightforward may not make you the most popular person in the room. – But it will make you the right friends and contacts.
6. You will always be incredibly imperfect. – If you wait until you’re “perfect” before you share your stories, ideas, talents, and gifts with the world, no one will ever hear from you.  (Read The Gifts of Imperfection.)
7. The draw of comfort is the biggest dream killer. – In the end, you can be comfortable or courageous, but not both at once.
8. You cannot change what you refuse to confront. – If you want something new, you have to stop doing something old.  If you want something you’ve never had, then you’ve got to do something you’ve never done.  The bottom line is that you’ll never leave where you are until you decide where you’d rather be.  Don’t be afraid to start over and rebuild what you truly want.
9. We all make choices, but in the end our choices make us. – Between what happened and what will happen is your choice.  You are not a product of your circumstances; you are a product of your decisions.  It’s about not letting your fear decide your future.
10. The only path between wanting and having is doing. – There’s no getting around the need to take deliberate, focused action.
11. Your dreams come true only when YOU make them come true. – And that’s precisely what makes them worth having and working hard for.
12. Winners win not because they’re allowed to, but because they decide to. – Promise yourself something wonderful, and then do what it takes to fulfill that promise.  You were born to be a success.  Although to be successful, you must plan to be, prepare to be, expect to be, and work to be, every day.  Success is not a secret.  Success is a direction, a process, and a way of life.
13. If achievement had no price, it would be of no value. – Pay the price.  Do the work, and enjoy the rewards.  It is far better to be exhausted from meaningful work than to be tired of doing nothing.  Put in the effort and live the life you’ve imagined.
14. Problems are part of every success story. – Life becomes more rewarding as it becomes more demanding.  If you’re having problems, that’s good.  It means you’re making progress.  It means you’re learning and growing.  The only people with no problems are the ones doing nothing.
15. Focusing on petty problems is the greatest human addiction. – Break this habit.  The negative things in life don’t need your help 24/7.  Focus on your joys, your loves, and your goals instead.  Give your energy to the positive sides of life – the opportunities – and take a step in the right direction.  Big results in life and business are gained by noticing and exploiting good opportunities, not by finding and solving every petty problem. 
16. Failures are inevitable and necessary. – Failure should be your teacher, not your attacker.  Failure is a lesson, not a loss.  It is a temporary, necessary detour, not a dead end.
17. In life, what you want and what you get are rarely perfectly congruent. – In the end, after all is said and done, what’s meant to be will come your way, and what’s not will fall away.  Just remember that life’s greatest gifts may not always be wrapped the way you expect.
18. You are exactly where you’re supposed to be at this very moment. – Even if things aren’t the way you want them to be.  Even if there’s more to do or undo.  Even if you feel like you need to start over from scratch.  Every experience and step is necessary.
19. You can’t change yesterday, but you can ruin today by worrying about tomorrow. – Be present.  Focus.  Tomorrow will reveal itself exactly as it should.
20. When you spend your time worrying and over-thinking everything, you’re simply using your imagination to create things you don’t want. – Nuff said.
21. You can’t live a positive life with a negative attitude. – The most underrated trait of all successful people I’ve ever met: Positivity.  Your attitude directly determines how well you live your life.  (Read Authentic Happiness.)
22. Life changes constantly, and often unpredictably. – Yes, life changes, but so can you.  If you’re being pulled in every direction by forces beyond your control, take time to breathe and realign yourself with what you value most in life.  Have the courage to make a necessary change when you must, the strength to see it through, and faith that everything will turn out the way it’s supposed to be.

Afterthoughts

Life is tough sometimes.  There’s so much you simply can’t control, but you have to let these things GO.  Do not let what is out of your control interfere with all the things you can control.  Be positive.  Focus on the important steps you CAN take today, and go for it!  No regrets.  No looking back.  Just hold on to life and move forward confidently.
We have no way of knowing exactly what lies over the horizon, but that’s what makes the journey even more exciting – that’s what makes today the most important day of your life.  Make it count!

The floor is yours…

Which of the points in this post do you sometimes struggle with?  How have you coped?  What other truths have you learned that have helped you live well?  Leave a comment below and share your thoughts and insights.
Photo by: Ares Nguyen

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12 Promises You Should Make to Yourself and Keep Forever

post written by: Marc Chernoff

When you become your own best friend, life is easier.

Life is not all rainbows and butterflies.  It can be tough sometimes.  And you’ve paid a heavy price to get this far, so the best option is to really make it count by moving forward from where you are.  Free yourself from the world’s negativity – from the sources of ignorance telling you what you can and cannot do – by promising to look ahead, to live ahead, and to get ahead.  In other words, start making positive promises to yourself!
Promise to fight back, to fight harder, to laugh louder and longer and slap adversity back into its seat whenever it dares to stand against you.  Promise to be a force to be reckoned with – because you are a force to be reckoned with.
Make these promises to yourself, and keep them forever.
Repeat after me: “I promise…”

1. “I will not hold the past against myself.” – Your problems, your weaknesses, setbacks, regrets and mistakes teach you if you’re willing to learn, or they will punish you if you’re not.   So let them teach you, every day.  Take everything as a lesson learned.  If you regret some of the decisions you have made in the past, stop being so hard on yourself.  At that time, you did your best with the knowledge you had.  At that time, you did your best with the experience you had.  Your decisions were made with a younger mind.  If you were to make these decisions with the wisdom you have today, you would choose differently.  So give yourself a break.  Time and experience has a wonderful way of helping us grow and learn to make better choices today, for ourselves and those we care for.
2. “I will own my life and never deny responsibility for it.” – Through the grapevine, you may have learned that you should blame your parents, your teachers, your mentors, the education system, the government, etc., but never to blame yourself.  Right?  It’s never, ever your fault… WRONG!  It’s always your fault, because if you want to change, if you want to let go and move on with your life, you’re the only person who can make it happen.  It’s YOUR move to make.  It’s YOUR responsibility.  Own it!
3. “I will speak kindly and consciously to myself.” – Wait, what did you just say to yourself?  Were they the inspiring, encouraging words you would speak to a friend?  Or were they the belittling remarks you might shout to an enemy if you had no heart.  Or the negative assessments about life you would utter if you had no faith?  All day long we speak silently to ourselves, and a part of us believes every word.  So stay mindful, and ask yourself, “If I had a friend who always spoke to me in the same way that I am speaking to myself right now, how long would I allow that person to be my friend?”  (Read Loving What Is.)
4. “I will listen to what my heart and soul is telling me.” – When something feels right, that means it is right for you (at least it is worth looking into).  And if you genuinely feel deep down that something is wrong, it probably is.  Pay attention to your authentic feelings, and follow where they lead.  When you’re following your inner voice, doors tend to eventually open for you, even if they mostly slam at first.
5. “I will live a life that feels right to me, not one that looks right to others.” – Give yourself permission to follow the path that makes YOU happy.  And realize that some people in your life will refuse to walk beside you as you embark on this journey; they simply won’t approve no matter what you say, and that’s OK.  Sometimes when you commit yourself to creating your own happiness, it clashes with the perceptions of others.  Sometimes when you gain something great, you have to let go of something else.  And sometimes this ‘something else’ is a relationship that only wants you to do what they want you to do.
6. “I will let go of relationships that are obviously not meant to be.” – Most people come into your life temporarily simply to teach you something.  They come and they go and they make a difference.  And it’s OK that they’re not in your life anymore.  Not all relationships last, but the lessons these relationships bring to you do.  If you learn to open your heart and mind, anyone, including the folks who eventually drive you mad, can teach you something worthwhile.  Sometimes it will feel weird when you realize you spent so much time with someone you are no longer connected to, but that’s exactly how it’s supposed to be.  You are exactly where you’re supposed to be.  We all are.
7. “I will not let any situation permanently steal my smile.” – Even when times are tough, take a moment to pause and remember who YOU are.  Take a moment to reflect on the things that have real and lasting meaning in your life.  And then smile about how far you’ve come.  Honestly, nothing in this world is more beautiful and powerful than a smile that has struggled through the tears.  Any fool can be happy when times are easy.  It takes a strong soul with real heart to develop smiles out of situations that make us weep.  No matter how long it takes, it will get better.  Keep going.  Tough situations build strong people in the end.
8. “I will celebrate and appreciate the life I have.” – Too many people overvalue what they are not and undervalue what they are.  Don’t be one of them.  Take a breath of fresh air.  The past is behind you.  Focus on what you can do today, not on what you could’ve or should’ve done yesterday.  Remember, for everything you’ve lost, you’ve gained something else.  Appreciate what you have and who you are today.  Life does not have to be perfect to be wonderful.  Count your blessings, not your troubles.  It costs nothing to be positive, and it changes things for the better.  Your thoughts are yours to control, so make good use of them to give your actions and your life a powerful advantage.
9. “I will realize and use my power to make a difference.” – The most common way people give up their power is by thinking they don’t have any.  Don’t do this.  The world needs you.  In a world filled with doubt, you must dare to dream.  In a world filled with anger, you must dare to forgive.  In a world filled with hate, you must dare to love.  In a world filled with distrust, you must dare to believe.  And once you do, I promise, you will find that power you once thought you lacked.
10. “I will dedicate myself to personal excellence.” – Anything worth doing, is worth doing right.  And excellence is never an accident.  It’s the result of high intention, focused effort, intelligent direction, skillful execution, and the vision to see obstacles as opportunities.  It’s also important to note that excellence cannot be judged by looking at where you are at any given point in time, but by measuring the distance you have traveled from the point where you started.  It’s about being diligent and making progress – either a step forward or a lesson learned – day in and day out.  (Read The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People.)
11. “I will keep stretching myself beyond my previous level of comfort.” – Just because you’re struggling doesn’t mean you’re failing.  Every great success requires some type of worthy struggle to get there.  Know this!  When you’re struggling, that’s when you’re growing stronger and smarter.  The more time you spend there, the faster you learn.  It’s better to spend an extremely high quality ten minutes growing, than it is to spend a mediocre hour running in place.  Every day, you want to practice at the point where you are on the edge of your ability, stretching yourself over and over again, making mistakes, stumbling, learning from those mistakes and stretching yourself even farther.
12. “I will embrace the changes I know I need to make.” – Life is a balancing act of holding on and letting go – of staying put and moving on.  We strive to make the right choices, but how do we know when it is truly time to move forward with our lives?  The signs aren’t always easy to accept, but they are there and you know it.  Relationships, jobs, and even the cities we live in have expiration dates.  Sometimes we hold on to what’s not working out of fear that we won’t be able to adapt to necessary changes.  And thus, the outcome is always the same: more pain, immense frustration, and lasting regret.  Be smarter than that.  Embrace the changes you know you need to make.

Afterthoughts

In a world where vows are often left unfulfilled – where making a pledge means less than it used to – where promises seem like they’re made to be broken – it would be nice to see words come back into power, wouldn’t it?  Yet, words can be twisted into any shape, so you must be careful not to be careless.  Remember this when you make promises to yourself.  Your promises must be backed by devoted action.
The image you have of yourself in the future depends on the actions you watch yourself take today.
Promise yourself and then prove it!

The floor is yours…

Which of the points above resonate with you the most?  What promises do you want (or need) to make to yourself?  Leave a comment below and share your thoughts with us.
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10 Things to Remember When You’re Feeling Stuck

post written by: Marc Chernoff

Never assume that you’re stuck with the way things are.
Life changes, and so can you.

“I don’t know what to do.”  “I’m in a rut.”  “I feel stuck.”  These are words Angel and I hear frequently from coaching clients and blog subscribers (subscribe here) alike.  We all struggle with this kind of mindset sometimes, and if you’re struggling right now, it’s time to push through.  There’s plenty you can do.
The truth is, you have the power to move forward no matter what obstacles block your path.  You have the power to live up to your highest vision of how your life can be.  You have the power to follow through and make significant progress on your biggest goals.  You have all this power because you have the CHOICE.  In each moment you can choose what you think, what you do, and who you want to be.
If you’re being pulled in every direction by forces beyond your control, take time to realign yourself with what you value most in life.
You don’t have to continue doing things the way you’ve always done them.  You don’t have to be held a prisoner by your old, familiar habits and assumptions.
Today is a new day, filled with new possibilities, so remember…

1. Feeling stuck is a FEELING, not a fact. – When we feel stuck, typically our first instinct is to look outside of ourselves for someone or something to blame.  In reality, we ought to be looking at how we’re feeling, what we’re thinking, and how we plan to respond.  Your life is your responsibility.  While you can’t always change what’s outside of you, you can certainly change your perception of it.  And the funny thing is, when you change the way you look at things, the things themselves change.
2. Yesterday’s bad news is not worth reliving. – You can’t have a better today if you’re still thinking and worrying about yesterday.  Whatever could have been or should have been, doesn’t matter.  Even though you may want to move forward in your life, you have one foot on the brakes when you’re thinking about the past.  In order to free yourself, you must learn how to let go of whatever old news is keeping you stuck.  Release your regrets.  Discard yesterday’s frustrations.  Refuse to entertain old pain.  The energy it takes to hang onto these things is holding you back from a new beginning.  What is it you want to let go of today?  Do it!
3. Feeling stuck is a sign that it’s time to make a change. – It could be a change of heart, a change in your perspective, or a change in your habits.  But the point in any case is that the way you are doing things is no longer working.  Imagine yourself as a river, flowing into a great ocean.  Oftentimes a river grows narrower and appears on the surface to lack movement just before it breaks through to the larger body of water.  The same thing happens to us as we prepare for a breakthrough in life.  Our flow must contract before it can expand.  And the contraction is equally important to the expansion.  (Read Buddha’s Brain.)
4. What you need to do won’t be easy, but it will be worth it in the end. – If you’ve been asking the same questions for a long time, yet you’re still stuck, it’s probably not that you haven’t been given the answers, but that you don’t like the answers you were given.  Remember, it takes a great deal of courage to admit that something needs to change, and a lot more courage still, to accept the responsibility for making the change happen.  Growth and change may be painful sometimes, but nothing in life is as painful as staying stuck where you don’t belong.
5. An excuse is standing somewhere between you and the next step you need to take. – If you really want to do something, you’ll find a way.  If you don’t, you’ll find an excuse.  This may be tough to accept, but it’s the truth.  Stop making excuses for why you can’t get it done and start focusing on all the reasons why you must make it happen.  The only person who can truly hold you back is you.  So no more excuses – it’s time to change.  It’s time to choose what’s best for YOU.  Oftentimes when we feel stuck, we are waiting for something magical to happen.  We wonder when the winds will change in our favor.  We do this instead of embracing the present and admitting the change we need to make.  What is keeping you from stepping forward?  If not fear of failure, then what?  Insecurity?  Laziness?  What is your excuse?  We all have one.  And when we focus on our excuses more than our steps forward, we walk in a circle and fall into the familiar pit we call “Stuck.”
6. Other people’s opinions can only stop you if you let them. – If you find yourself constantly trying to prove your worth to someone else, you’ve already forgotten your value.  Don’t do this to yourself.  Care too much about what other people think and you will always be their prisoner.  Your freedom lies not in the physical space around you, but in your mind.  As long as you cling to other people’s definitions of your truth, your beauty, and your happiness, you will always be chained.  Thoughts that begin with, “I have to…” or “I really should…” reveal where we feel most obligated to direct our energy.  Redefine things for yourself.  Write your own definitions.  Finish your own sentences.  Find your own way.  And most importantly, listen to your intuition.  It already knows what you truly need.   
7. Authenticity is liberating. – By allowing yourself to be yourself, you allow others to be themselves around you too.  This creates an honest, liberating environment in which to live.  In a society where people love to point fingers and poke fun, you can only fight social judgment with naked honesty.  When you speak up about your challenges and open yourself up to receiving care and support, you allow others to do the same.  The truth is, we’re all in this together, undergoing the same learning process and internal struggles.  We’re all equally perfect in our imperfections.  There’s no reason to hide behind lies.
8. Real growth happens from the inside out. – If the conditions are right, it’s easy to grow horizontally by acquiring more money, newer cars, bigger homes, etc.  Vertical growth, on the other hand, is when you stay in the same place with the same things, but grow deeper and deeper into yourself.  It’s when you can say, “Five years ago I would lose my temper in a few seconds, but now it takes all week.”  This kind of growth is more rare, but it’s the only true growth there is.  Sadly, many of us feel stuck, and we age much faster than we grow, because we focus exclusively on horizontal achievements.  We spend so much of our lives going through the external motions of what society tells us ‘maturity’ is – getting married, buying houses, working our way up the corporate ladder, etc. – that we fail to concentrate on our own inner growth and goals.  We never allocate enough time just for us.
9. Life is a journey, not a destination. – Detach from the results of your efforts.  A lot of internal change comes about from letting go of ingrained social fears, superstitions, and doubts about what is “normal.”  By letting go of what “should” happen or what “could” happen, you free up your life to various little surprises and joys.  You may not lead the exact life you want, but you will lead a meaningful, miraculous existence, guaranteed.  Life is sometimes difficult, but it’s not a chore.  Make it an adventure.  Make it fun.  Make the choice to feel good about yourself, about your world, about your possibilities and the step you’re taking right now.  (Read The Untethered Soul.)
10. You’re way stronger and a lot less stuck than you think. – Take heart, and remember that the biggest breakthroughs often come after a long period of being stuck.  Which is why feeling stuck for a while is necessary.  Embrace this.  When things seem to be at their worst is the ideal time for you to be at your best.  If you can’t take a big step forward, take a little one.  Tip-toe if you must.  Just keep reminding yourself that you are strong enough to take the next tiniest step, and that this step is the only step that matters right now.

Your turn…

What would you add to the list?
What do you try to keep in mind to motivate yourself when you’re feeling stuck?
Leave a comment below and share your thoughts with the community.
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9 Signs It’s Time to Take a Step Forward

post written by: Angel Chernoff

inShar

You think 60,000 thoughts a day.  Don’t waste 59,999 of them on limited, negative, unproductive thinking.

A person does not have to be behind bars to be a prisoner.  People can be prisoners of their own concepts, choices and ideas.  This is how countless intelligent people waste the majority of their lives.  It’s sad, but true.
As life coaches, Marc and I speak with these people every day, and every single day the same thinking traps reveal themselves.  And not surprisingly, when we bring these thinking traps to the attention of our clients, most of them can’t see their faults, at least not initially.  Because it’s hard to admit that the way you’ve been doing things for the past decade or more has been holding you back.
So that’s what I want to discuss with you today – nine of the most common (and heartbreaking) signs that you’re wasting your life in a mindset that’s keeping you trapped, and some tips to help you take a step forward.
Even if you are generally comfortable with your present life, take a look at the list below.  As I’ve said, many of the people we’ve worked with over the years, who came to us because they felt stuck, initially refused to admit that they carried these beliefs and behaviors, even when the evidence stacked against them was undeniable.  It’s worth taking a few minutes to see if any of these points are holding you back from your full potential.

1.  You’ve spent lots of time recently thinking you aren’t good enough.

Give up your limiting beliefs about what you can or cannot do, about what is possible or impossible.  From now on, you are no longer going to allow your limiting beliefs to keep you stuck in the wrong place.
A belief is not an idea held by the mind, it is an idea that holds the mind.  Know this.  There will NEVER be a perfect time to pursue your dreams and goals.  You will never feel 100% ready, because you will never be 100% complete.  You’re growing every day.  You just have to find faith in yourself right now.  Faith means living with uncertainty, feeling your way through life, letting your intuition guide you like a flashlight in the dark.
What if, for today, you choose to believe that you have enough, you are enough, and that you’ve come far enough to be worthy?  What if, for today, you choose to believe that you are strong enough, wise enough, kind enough, and loved enough to move forward?  What if, as the sun sets on today, you choose to believe that you did a pretty good job?  And what if tomorrow morning, you choose to believe it all over again?

2.  You’ve been busy trying to satisfy everyone else’s expectations.

Way too many people are living a life that’s not theirs to live.  They live their lives according to what others think is best for them… they live their lives according to what their parents think is best for them… to what their friends, their enemies, their teachers, their government and the media think is best for them.  They ignore their inner voice and intuition.  They are so busy pleasing everyone else, with living up to other people’s expectations, that they lose control over their lives.  They forget what makes them happy, what they want, what they need… and eventually they forget about themselves altogether.
You have one life – this one right now.  You must live it, own it, and above all, NOT let other people’s opinions distract you from your truth.  (Read Choose Yourself!)

3.  You catch yourself complaining about things constantly.

Your constant need to complain about those many, many, many things – people, situations, events, etc. – is doing nothing but making you unhappy and depressed.
Nobody can make you unhappy, no situation can make you sad or miserable unless you allow it to.  It’s not the situation that triggers those feelings in you, but how you choose to look at it.  This may be hard to accept, but it’s the truth.  Your life is as YOU see it.  Never underestimate the power of positive thinking (and positive action).

4.  You have a habit of blaming everyone else.

Give up on your need to blame others for what you have or don’t have, for what you feel or don’t feel.  Stop giving your power away and start taking responsibility for your life.
Either you own your problems, or they will own you.  Period.

5.  You’ve been more focused on not failing than actually succeeding.

You are comfortable with mediocrity – you choose not to try.  Because it’s safer.  Because it’s easier to talk about learning that new skill as opposed to actually learning it.  Because you think everything is too hard or too complicated so you will just “sit this one out,” or maybe you’ll “do it someday.”  Because you hate your job but won’t apply for a new one – because it’s easier to reject the possibility of rejection.
Snap out of it!
While you’re sitting around failing to try, you really need to be out there trying to fail, challenging yourself, learning new things and failing forward as fast as possible.  Your desire to succeed must overpower your fear of failure.  Because if you are too afraid of failure, you can’t possibly do what needs to be done to be successful.  (Read The Up Side of Down.)

6.  You are stuck on wanting to be right.

There are so many of us who can’t stand the idea of being wrong, wanting to always be right, even at the risk of ending great relationships or causing a great deal of stress and pain in our personal and professional lives.  It’s just not worth it.  Whenever you feel the burning desire to jump into a fight over who’s right and who’s wrong, ask yourself these questions:

• “Would I rather be right, or would I rather be kind?”
• “What difference will it make?”
• “Is my ego really that big?”

Bottom line: You are an ever-changing work in progress, and so is everyone else.  You don’t have to always be right, you just have to not be too worried about being wrong.  Screwing up, for all of us, is part of the growth process.  Being wrong and looking like a fool sometimes is the only path forward.

7.  You keep letting your fear decide your future.

Fear is a feeling, not a fact.  It’s just an illusion that doesn’t exist – you created it.  It’s all in your mind.  Correct the inside and the outside will fall into place.
As Franklin D. Roosevelt so profoundly said, “The only thing we have to fear, is fear itself.”  Know this.  Never let your fear decide your future.  Let your dreams be bigger than your fears and your actions louder than your words.
No risk, no reward.  No pain, no gain.  You’ve heard this before.
Human beings don’t become wise by reading books and thinking about things – they become educated.  Living out experiences firsthand in the real world, one day at a time, is what gives birth to wisdom.  Ultimately wisdom is what you get when you test out the waters for yourself.  This kind of life experience is the most valuable asset you own.
Sometimes on the road to acquiring wisdom life will beat you down, but you have to stand back up.  Because nothing is more beautiful and powerful than a soul who has weathered and grown through life’s difficulties.  Don’t regret your time, even the moments that were filled with hurt.  Smile because you learned from it all and because you gained enough strength to rise above it all.  In the end, it’s not what you have been through that matters; it’s how you got through it that defines your life and your legacy.

8.  You believe the best is behind you.

You have to let the past GO!  I know, I know… it’s not easy.   Especially when the past looks so much better than the present, and the future looks so uncertain.  But you have to take into consideration the fact that the present moment is all you have and all you will ever have.  And the past you are now longing for – the past that you are now dreaming about – was mostly ignored by you when it was present.  Don’t do this to yourself again.
Don’t waste your present with a past that has no future.

9.  You’ve been actively resisting change.

As Oscar Wilde so profoundly said, “To live is the rarest thing in the world.  Most people exist, that is all.”
Living a positive life hinges on your ability to accept the fact that everything is constantly moving forward, away from everything that previously existed.  Not only do you have to emotionally detach from the past, but you also have to willingly thrust yourself forward into the unknown.  You have to open yourself to trying new things, especially those that you may previously never have thought of doing, or had been too hesitant to attempt.  This is how you open doors of opportunity for positive growth.
So many people live within the confines of unhappy situations and yet refuse to take the initiative to change their circumstances.  They are conditioned to believe that the only choice is the current choice, because it’s the life they know.  Their comfort zone blinds them from the truth – that nothing is more damaging to the human spirit than a mind that resists progress and change.
All of your personal growth and much of your joy in life will come from your encounters with new experiences, and hence there is no greater commitment than to embrace an endlessly changing horizon.

The floor is yours…

If you can relate to any of these points, remember, you are not alone.  We all struggle with faulty mindsets that sneak up on us sometimes and keep us running in place.  The key is awareness – recognizing these thinking traps and stopping them before they stop us.
So, which of the points in this post do you sometimes struggle with?  What thoughts, choices and behaviors get in your way of stepping forward?  How have you coped?  Leave a comment below and share your thoughts and insights.
Photo by: Eliot

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10 Toxic Behaviors that Kill Your Confidence

post written by: Marc Chernoff

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You can have all the knowledge in the world, but it means nothing without building up the confidence to do something with it.

Two decades ago, when the bullies at our high school called her a nerd for being a virgin and a straight-A student, my best friend Sara smiled and confidently said, “Thank you.  I’m really proud of it.”  She honestly was.  What those bullies said never bothered her one bit.  And this is just one tiny example of Sara’s incredible self-confidence.
I was reminded of Sara this morning when I received an email from a blog subscriber named Lane who is struggling with a similar bullying issue at a small community college where he’s taking classes.  After describing his predicament in detail, he ended his email with this:
“I love your book and blog.  Both have helped me get through a very low point in my life.  But even though I’ve made progress, I often struggle with my self-confidence.  These bullies really get the best of me.  And I know my shattered confidence is really taking a toll on me.  Therefore, what I need now more than ever is to learn how to walk in a more confident person’s footsteps, by changing the behaviors that kill my confidence.”
So, pulling from a decade of experience as a life coach, in an effort to help Lane walk more closely Sara’s footsteps, here are some toxic, confidence-killing behaviors to avoid:

1. Getting caught up in lots of needless drama. – Some people love to stir up controversy and drama for no apparent reason.  Don’t buy in to their propaganda.  Stay out of other people’s drama and don’t needlessly create your own.  Instead, imagine what would happen if you spent this entire day, and every day hereafter, with all your energy directed toward your most positive possibilities.  Rather than being annoyed, be amused.  Instead of getting angry, become curious.  In place of envy, feel admiration.  Life is too short to argue, fight or be negative in any way.  Count your blessings, value the people who matter and move on from the drama with your head held high.
2. Seeking approval from everyone around you. – Confident people have no interest in pleasing everyone they meet.  They are aware that not all people agree on things, and that’s just how life works.  They focus on the quality of their relationships, instead of the quantity of them.  So never let the opinions of the masses define who you are or what you can or can’t do.  When you let go of the need to impress everyone, that’s when you begin to be truly impressive to the few people who actually matter.  And when you earn the trust and respect of these select few people, no matter where you go or what you try, you will do it with confidence – because you know the people who matter are behind you.
3. Making excuse after excuse after excuse. – Have a plan that’s bigger than your excuses.  There is so very much to touch, to do, to create, and to experience.  Confident people take ownership of their thoughts and actions.  They don’t blame the traffic for being tardy at work – they know THEY were late.  They don’t excuse their shortcomings with excuses like “I don’t have time” or “I’m just not good enough” – they make the time and they keep on improving until they see results.  Even a tiny effort is infinitely more productive than a big, impressive excuse.  So stop seeing every obstacle as an excuse and start seeing those obstacles as forming a pathway to your goals.  (Read The Last Lecture.)
4. Ignoring or second-guessing your intuition. – Intuition is very real and something that is never wise to ignore, because it comes from deep within your subconscious and is derived from your previous life experiences.  If everyone else is telling you “yes” but your gut is telling you otherwise, it’s usually for a good reason.  When faced with difficult decisions, seek out all the information you can find, become as knowledgeable as you possibly can, and then listen to your God-given instincts.  Believe in yourself.  Know that trusting your intuition is equivalent to trusting your true self; and the more you trust your true self, the more control you have of making your goals and dreams come true.
5. Disempowering yourself with weak language. – Confident people use words with intention.  Consider the difference between these two aspiring bloggers:  One says, “Yes, I am a blogger.  You like meditation and yoga too?  Excellent!  We need to connect – check out my new mindfulness guide I just posted at…” vs. “Well, I am trying to blog but am not sure I am doing it right (nervous giggle).  I wish I had started sooner… blah, blah.”  Who do you think gets the most views, comments and social shares?  Bottom line:  If you’re trying to build something or become something, own it and speak like you mean it.
6. Thinking, “Why me?  Why me?” – On the contrary, confident people think, “Why not me?”  Sadly though, many people feel they have to wait: to be hired, to be good enough, to be chosen – like the old Hollywood cliché, to somehow be “discovered.”  But confident people know that access is basically universal these days (especially if you’re online reading this article).  They can connect with almost anyone through social media.  (Everyone you know knows someone you should know.)  They know they can attract their own funding, create their own products and services, build their own networks of clients and partners, choose their own path – they can choose to follow their dreams.  And very quietly, without calling too much attention to themselves, they go out and do it.
7. Needing to always be right. –  Confident people take a stand not because they think they’re always right, but because they’re not scared to be wrong.  Cocky, conceited people tend to take a position and then preach, argue, and totally disregard differing opinions or points of view.  They “know” they’re right (even when they’re wrong) and they want (actually, they need) you to know it too.  Their behavior isn’t a sign of confidence, though; it’s the trademark of a bully.  Truly confident people don’t mind being proven wrong.  They know that finding out what is right is a lot more important than being right.  And when they’re wrong, they’re secure enough to back down graciously and appreciate the lesson learned.
8. Talking just to hear yourself talk. – Begging for attention by talking constantly is just another mask for insecurity.  Thus, confident people are often quiet and unassuming, and they listen as much if not more than they speak.  They already know what they think, so they want to know what you think.  Follow in their footsteps by asking open-ended questions on the topic of discussion, and give others the freedom to be thoughtful, introspective and resourceful.  Ask questions like: What do you do?  How do you do it?  What have you learned from it?  What would you do differently if you were starting over?  And so forth.  Ask these questions to learn, because you know a lot, but not everything, and the only way to learn more is to listen more.  (Read What Got You Here Won’t Get You There.)
9. Letting success get to your head or failure get to your heart. – If success makes you arrogant, you haven’t really succeeded.  If failure makes you determined, you haven’t really failed.  Period.  Think about success and failure differently.  Don’t take everything that goes wrong personally, and don’t get a big head when everything goes right either.  Be a humble, life-long learner.  Create, enjoy, learn, love, experience, succeed, fail, persevere, make mistakes, make progress, take risks, and find the treasure in each day.
10. Hiding from new life experiences. – Get out there.  Let life touch you.  Yes, it will hurt sometimes.  But the pain will be much deeper if you build an impenetrable wall around yourself – your own 100-foot tall wall of comfort – your own self-inflicted prison sentence.  Life is too short for that.  Don’t let the fear of making the wrong decision prevent you from making any decision at all.  You have too many beautiful places to go.  Today is full of possibility.  Now, do something about it.

Afterthoughts

If you only remember two words from this whole article, let them be: “Learn” and “Believe.”
Learn:  As in… learn through experience.  Learn from others.  Remain humble, open-minded and teachable.  Put yourself out there and let it all sink it.  Push yourself to the edge of your comfort zone, so you can expand it and grow a little more confident every day.
Believe:  As in… believe in yourself and your ability to succeed.  Believe in your intuition, especially when you have to choose between two good paths.  Believe that the answers are out there waiting.  Believe that life will surprise you again and again.  Believe that the journey is the destination.  Believe that it’s all worth your while.  Believe that you are confident enough to see it through.

The floor is yours…

Which of the points above resonate with you the most?  Do you have any other tips for building self-confidence?  Leave a comment below and share your thoughts and insights with us.
Photo by: Ranna Nicolau

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4 Ways to Protect Yourself From Emotional Manipulation

post written by: Marc Chernoff

“Anything is better than lies and deceit!”
―Leo Tolstoy

How could anyone fall for that?  How could I have been so foolish?  Why do they believe such lies?  How could we have been conned like that?
There are emotionally manipulative people of varying degrees all around us.  When we are young we like to think that we are immune to the psychological pressures that confuse, manipulate and condition other people.  We are not so gullible, are we?  But part of truly maturing as an individual involves understanding how you too are led by the environment, influenced by others, and driven by the needs you have as a human being.
Human beings can be manipulated precisely because we share innate psychological characteristics that render us ALL susceptible, to a point.  Although, like any other weakness, some people are naturally more prone to succumb, while others have higher levels of immunity to the external pressures that can make us do things we would normally never think of doing.
But assuming that we are already “immune” is naive and the surest path to being a victim of manipulation.  Let me give you a powerful example:

Emotionally Manipulated to Death

The day is November 18, 1978, and you’re in Guyana.  There you stand in the middle of Jonestown, a loyal member of Jim Jones’ cult known as “The People’s Temple”.  He commands you to drink a cup of poisonous, cyanide-laced Kool-Aid and take your own life.
What do you do?
Well of course you don’t do it, right?  Who is Jim Jones, or anyone for that matter, to tell you to end it all?  You are not a robot that can be ordered to kill yourself against your own will!  But an astounding 907 people simply followed his orders and died that fateful day.  And many of these people poisoned their children before they took their own lives.  People who wanted to live and wanted their children and spouses to live.
Why did these people do this?  Why did men and women, many college educated, allow themselves to be abused and brainwashed by this man?  Why did they agree to sell their homes and give all their possessions and money to “The People’s Temple” – an obvious cult?
Were these people of abnormally low intelligence?  Were they clinically insane?  Or was Jim Jones a highly skilled manipulator of human emotions?  Did he know exactly how to push a human being’s “buttons,” and string them along even to the extent that they would poison their own children before ending their own lives?
Either way, that was just “Jonestown”, right?  It was an isolated event.
Wrong!  “Jonestown” has happened numerous times throughout history – and it will happen again.  I bet you can think of other examples where people were willingly driven to their own demise.  It may not be “Jonestown” – it may go by a different name, but we see the same exact psychological mechanisms of manipulation in play.  Understanding these mechanisms can help immunize you not just to the grosser psychological manipulations of a wicked cult leader, but also to the more subtle psychological conditioning that we all encounter as part of everyday life.

We All Have Basic Human Needs

Jim Jones was a master of deceiving people by appearing to give them what they needed.  And this is the crucial point to grasp.  We all have innate human needs.  If your fundamental psychological needs as a human being are not being adequately met, then, unless you understand precisely what’s happening and respond appropriately, you will be motivated to latch on to any source that appears to satisfy these needs.
Some of your basic human needs include:

• The security of a safe environment in which to grow.
• A sense of autonomy and control of your life.
• A sense of self-worth earned through creative problem solving and the achievement of personal goals.
• Being part of a broader, likeminded community.
• A sense of status within social groupings (which includes feeling important or respected in some way).
• Being emotionally connected to certain people (family, friends, etc.).
• Meaning and purpose arising from being able to make a difference.

Again, if any of these basic needs are not sufficiently met in your life, you will feel inexplicably attracted to anyone or anything that promises to supply what is lacking.  The awareness that this is happening can save you an incredible amount of trouble.
Many of Jim Jones’ devotees were drawn from a pool of disgruntled people who were not leading satisfying lives or meeting their basic needs in healthy ways.  People facing uncertain times or uncertain futures, people with low self-esteem and negative self-images, and so forth.  Jones held out the promise of certainty, social acceptance, community, self-respect, purpose and feelings of security inside his “temple.”  And there must have been some really deep seeded beliefs instilled in these people, because eventually they followed Jones, like some new-age Pied Piper, into oblivion.

Universal Applicability and Susceptibility

It’s rather easy to see that if your needs are not being adequately met in a healthy way, and someone or something comes along that promises to supply all of your needs in one convenient package, then that can seem pretty irresistible.
If you disagree, think about this: On a more conventional level, consider how many people feeling neglected in a marriage have a careless affair with someone because it was “so nice to be listened to, flattered, romanced, etc.”  The very same unconscious propulsion towards an affair like that might drive others into the arms of a cult (or even to buy a timeshare or a new wonder drug!)

Rational Justifications for Irrational Behavior

We all need some level of quality attention and strive to meet that need in various ways, but our thirst for it can blind us to the sleazy aspects of the person (or entity) that’s tempting us.  Our emotional drive is so powerful that it will enlist the help of the conscious mind to invent compelling, logical arguments to support what we feel compelled to do.  Jim Jones’ devotees too would certainly have developed a belief system around the cult, and they wholeheartedly believed that they had rational arguments for sticking with it.
It’s easy to say afterwards, “How could I have been so foolish?”  But extreme incidents like the Jonestown massacre demonstrate just how mind-numbingly powerful the drive to meet our basic human needs is.  They can completely overwhelm clear thinking – just as a person dying of thirst in a desert might desperately put an ice-cold bottle of poison to their lips, if it were offered to them.

Weapons of Influence and Manipulation

Famous social psychologist Robert Cialdini conducted a study of how and why people comply (or buy) in business situations, and identified a set of principles which he called the “weapons of influence.”  Although he was looking at business related events and interactions, his principles apply equally well to unsuitable, manipulative relationships of any kind.  And if you look closely, it’s not hard to see the link between Cialdini’s principles and the basic needs I outlined above.
Cialdini’s weapons of influence:

• Reciprocation – “But they’ve done so much for me!”  When you feel indebted to someone, then the law of reciprocation is influencing you.  Jim Jones constantly reminded his devotees of all he and “The People’s Temple” had done for them – how he had “saved them” and how they “owe” themselves to the “temple.”  If someone constantly reminds you how much they are doing or have done for you, they are being manipulative.  It runs all the way from free samples in product marketing/advertising to someone doing an unrequested favor for you just so they can ask you for a favor in return – the aim is to make you feel obligated to reciprocate.  (Read Influence: Psychology of Persuasion.)
• Commitment and consistency – If people publicly commit verbally or in writing to an idea or goal, they are more likely to honor that commitment.  We like to appear consistent and dependable to both ourselves and others (think of the disapproval heaped upon politicians who change their minds).  To suddenly stop following orders or abandon once-deeply-held beliefs can simply feel impossible to many, even in the face of mounting evidence that disproves the belief.
• Social proof – People will do things they see other people doing.  Period.  “A thousand other people can’t be wrong, right?”  or “If everyone else is doing it then it must be OK.”  This kind of thinking is how people get swayed into being “fashion victims” as well as “cult victims.”  And it’s complicated too, because this is not just thoughtless blindness on our part.  Hundreds of years ago, for human beings to survive in a world of predators, we had to form tight-knit social groups and look to others for behavioral cues.  This is still useful up to a point, but the manipulators of the world can easily use this to their advantage.
• Authority – People will tend to obey authority figures, even if they are asked to perform unjust acts.  Authority figures come in many different flavors and facades (and Jim Jones was certainly naturally authoritative).
• Likability – People are more easily persuaded and manipulated by other people whom they like.  But likable people might not do very likable things and that’s the problem.  Cialdini demonstrated that people tend to buy from people they like, or buy things people they like buy.  We also tend to like attractive people.  It’s no coincidence that cult leaders tend to be charismatic, likeable and attractive.  (Read How to Win Friends and Influence People.)
• Scarcity - If something seems scarce, demand for it will increase.  “Limited time offer” or “while supplies last” or “only for the first 100 buyers” are all ways that the scarcity principle is used in marketing.  In manipulative relationships it may be used like this: “You will never meet anyone else like me!”  It’s subtle, but the implication is that I am rare, and therefore more valuable to you.  Jim Jones phrased it like this: “‘The People’s Temple’ is the only place you can be saved” – all cults will have a similar manipulative slogan.

4 Smart Ways to Protect Yourself

To protect yourself from the more excessive and evil manipulations of organizations and individuals, you need to:

1. Be aware that extreme “promise of gain” and “threat of loss” are basic universal tools for manipulating belief and behavior.
2. Understand that if your basic emotional and physical needs are not adequately met, you become more vulnerable to being manipulated by anyone willing to exploit this gap.  Just understanding this can help immunize you against becoming a victim.
3. Observe how Cialdini’s “weapons of influence” operate in everyday life (often in benign ways) and how they are indirectly linked to basic human needs.
4. Stay calm.  Breathe.  A calm mind can perceive the world much more clearly and objectively.

Afterthoughts

Most people and organizations are not actually out to exploit and manipulate others in an evil way, but as the unfortunate followers of Jim Jones discovered back in 1978, when they do, horrifying things can happen.
So… I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again:  Live by choice, not by chance.  Make changes, not excuses.  Be motivated, not manipulated.  Work to excel, not compete.  Choose to listen to your inner voice, not the jumbled opinions of everyone else.
And if you feel like you’re struggling with a manipulative relationship situation of any kind, know that you are not alone.  Many of us are right there with you, working things out for ourselves.  Stand strong!  Stay inspired! 
The bottom line is that there are manipulative people in this world that will try to mess with your mind, but you can defend yourself.  It’s about arming yourself with awareness.

The floor is yours…

In what way have people tried to manipulate you?
When and how did you realize this?  What did you do about it?
Please leave a comment below and share your thoughts and insights.
Photo by: Rebecca Finch

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40 Things I Want to Tell My Kids Before They’re Too Cool to Listen

post written by: Marc Chernoff

“Children must be taught how to think, not what to think.”
―Margaret Mead

Seven weeks ago today, Angel gave birth to our son Mac.  The experience was miraculous.  As every parent can attest, the miracle of childbirth takes on a whole new meaning when it’s YOUR child being born.  It’s one of those life experiences you can’t fully grasp until you live through it.
Anyway, I awoke this morning thinking about the whole experience, and two thoughts immediately came to mind:

• How in the world did Angel and I suddenly become parents?  Whoa!
• There are so many things I want to tell Mac – as soon as possible, before he’s in school with his friends and too cool to listen.  And before Angel and I go from “mommy and daddy who knows best” to “mom and dad who couldn’t possibly understand.”

So in no particular order, here are 40 things I intend tell him (and his sister or brother when they come along):

1. Attitude is a little thing that makes a big difference. – Don’t base your attitude on how things are.  Choose your attitude so it supports and expresses the way you wish to be.  Frustration and stress come from the way you respond and react, not the circumstance themselves.  Adjust your attitude, and the frustration and stress is gone.
2. What you experience starts with your perception. – In almost every case, nothing is stopping you… nothing is holding you back but your own thoughts about yourself and “how life is.”  Your perception creates your beliefs.  And your beliefs create your behaviors.  And your behaviors produce your experience.
3. Let go of the need to complain about life. – Spend your moments actually living its beauty.  Change the phrase “have to” to “get to.”  So many things we complain about are things others wish they had the chance to do.
4. Positivity always pays off. – Your thoughts do not end when you finish thinking them.  They continue to echo through your life.  Choose wisely and intentionally.  Be outrageously and unreasonably positive.  Be funny and creative and ridiculous and joyful all at the same time.  Smile as often as possible.  A smile actually changes the vibe of your body.  It alters, physiologically, the chemistry of your being.  It will make you feel better and do better.
5. Negativity just shortens your life. – Before you waste it on anger, resentment, spite or envy, always think of how precious and irreplaceable your time is.
6. Worry is the biggest enemy of the present moment. – It does nothing but steal your joy and keep you very busy doing absolutely nothing at all.  When you spend time worrying, you’re simply using your imagination to create things you don’t want.  (Read The Power of Now.)
7. Don’t run away from things; run toward them. – The best way to move away from something negative is to move toward something positive.
8. Nothing is as bad as it seems.  Nothing. – There’s a benefit and a blessing hidden in the folds of every experience and every outcome.
9. Gratitude helps every situation. – How can you transform suffering into joy, and struggle into peace?  GRATITUDE.  Start being grateful for all the problems you do NOT have.
10. Everything is falling together perfectly, even though it looks as if some things are falling apart. – Trust in life’s process.  Happiness is allowing yourself to be perfectly OK with what is, rather than wishing for and worrying about what is not.  When life is “falling apart,” things could actually be falling together… maybe for the first time.
11. Change is necessary. – Change is the process of life itself.  In fact, everything is changing every second of our lives.  However good or bad the situation is now, it will change.  That’s one thing you can count on.  So never assume that you’re stuck with the way things are.  Life changes, and so can you.  Take a breath of fresh air.  The past is long gone.  Focus on what you can do, not on what you could have or should have done.
12. You are capable of handling far more than you think. – Accept each moment, without judgment or anxiety.  Remind yourself that all is well, and that you can handle whatever comes along.
13. If you’re having problems, that’s good. – It means you’re making progress.  The only people with no problems are the ones doing nothing.
14. It’s takes just as much energy to waste your time as it does to use it wisely. – It is far better to be exhausted from lots of effort and learning, than to be tired of doing absolutely nothing.
15. There’s a big difference between being busy and being productive. – Don’t confuse motion and progress.  A rocking horse keeps moving but never makes any forward progress.
16. You can’t achieve what you do not attempt. – Everything you achieve comes from something you attempt.  Everything!  Make the attempt.  The path between wanting and having is doing.
17. The right thing and the easy thing are rarely the same thing. – Do what matters, not just what is convenient.  Do what is fulfilling, not just what is easy.  When faced with a choice, choose the path that strengthens you.  Choose to learn, choose to grow, choose to more fully become who you are.
18. You can’t be your best without first being yourself. – Be highly effective by being highly authentic.  Take a moment to pause and remember who you are and what you stand for.  Take a moment to reflect on the ideas and principles that have real and lasting meaning in your life.
19. Meaningful work is important. – You are at your best when you are moving toward a meaningful, positive and ambitious goal.  So never follow goals you’re reluctant to pursue.  Find ones that will keep you awake at night with excitement.
20. Always realign yourself with your highest priorities. – If you’re being pulled in every direction by forces beyond your control, take time to realign yourself with what you value most in life.  What is important in your life is what you decide is important, and this decision will ultimately create who you are.
21. Set your sights high. – Make your dreams big, exciting and undeniable.  They’re the ones that will push you forward.  Whatever is beyond your reach right now will not always be beyond your reach.  Keep going.
22. Miracles happen every day. – If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them.  And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
23. If you’re going to do something, do it with enthusiasm and devotion. – Hold nothing back…  In life.  Or love.  Or business.  Or anything at all.  Every morning, ask yourself what is really important and then have the courage to build your day around your answer.
24. Focused effort pays. – An attitude of “whatever is convenient” won’t accomplish much, ever.  An attitude of “whatever it takes” is impossible to stop.  So remember, effort does not cost you – it pays.  What you invest in effort is never wasted.  Sincere, focused effort always brings something of value – an outcome that teaches you what the next step is.
25. What you are capable of achieving is heavily based on how much you want it. – When it means enough to you, then you can do it.  When you are willing and committed and persistent, you will get yourself there, every time.
26. You can always take a small step in the direction of your dreams. – There is absolutely nothing about your present situation that prevents you from following your dreams, one step at a time.  Use each setback, each disappointment as a cue to push on ahead with more determination than ever before.
27. Set time aside to celebrate your progress at least once a month. – Look at how far you’ve come.  You have made progress.  And now, imagine how far you can go.
28. Other people’s opinions don’t have to be your reality. – Let the opinions of others inform you, don’t let them limit you.  Learn to value yourself and what you stand for.  Allow yourself to be yourself.  If you don’t want what the world says you should want, have the courage to say so.
29. Break the rules sometimes. – Don’t break the law, but break the rules.  If all you are doing is following someone else’s rules, then you have not grown, you have only obeyed.
30. You alone, get to choose what matters and what doesn’t. – The meaning of everything in your life is the meaning you give it.
31. Listen to your intuition. – When something feels right, that means it is right for you.  When something feels wrong, that means it is wrong for you.  Pay attention to your authentic feelings, and follow where they lead.
32. Own and embrace your imperfections. – Because once you’ve accepted your flaws, no one can use them against you.  (Read The Gifts of Imperfection.)
33. Every mistake is a step forward. – You cannot make a mistake; you can only make a decision that will be your next best step.
34. Every day is a clean slate. – Don’t you dare give up on Today because of the way things looked Yesterday.  Don’t even think about it.  Every day is a new day to try again.
35. No moment is wasted when you live it with presence and purpose. – Value and enjoy the journey, even when there are detours along the way.  Appreciate every moment, whatever each moment may bring.  From the genuine appreciation of these little moments will come a remarkable life.
36. Treat everyone, especially yourself, with kindness and respect. – Treat yourself as the most important person in the world, and treat others as you treat yourself.  Do not miss a single chance – not one single opportunity – to tell someone how wonderful they are, how beautiful they are inside and out.  Live so that people will enjoy your presence when they’re with you, and appreciate you just as much or even more when they’re apart from you.
37. Accept important apologies you never received. – If you love someone and you want to forgive them, relieve them of the need to apologize to you, for anything.
38. True love is freedom. – Love lets go.  Let go of expectation, let go of requirements and rules and regulations that you would impose on your loved ones.  The gift of pure love allows you to bless others and accept them without condition, granting them freedom to make their own choices.
39. Everyone you meet can teach you something important. – In fact, the people who are the most difficult to deal with can also be your most valuable teachers.
40. No matter how much you know, there’s a whole lot you don’t know. – In almost every situation, a little more willingness to acknowledge that there may be something you do not know could change everything.  Go somewhere new, and countless opportunities suddenly appear.  Do something differently, and all sorts of great new possibilities spring up.  Keep an open mind.

Afterthoughts

Above all, I think the best thing we can do for our kids as they grow is to allow them to do things for themselves, allow them to be strong and responsible, allow them the freedom to experience things on their own terms, allow them to take the bus or the train and learn from life firsthand… allow them to be better people, allow them to believe more in themselves.

Your turn…

What would you add to the list?
What do you want to tell your kids before they’re too cool to listen?
Leave a comment below and share your thoughts with the community.
Photo by: Kevin Keller

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